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| "Afterglow [Get Backers]" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Reviewed By: siti On: April 07, 2004 09:03 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
WWWWWOOOOOOWWWW,..this fic is Sooo Yuummyy,..i totally love it. ^_~\/ please continue with another BxG/GxB fic,....i just recently fallen in love with GETBACKERS through some of it's sites in Anipike, and which i hope to see the anime series when AXN show them soon here in my country. continue to write more BxG/GxB fics, i've become one of your fans E-sama. keep-up the good work kay, will be waitin for more from you soon. Ja-Ne! \/^_^\/
| Reviewed By: fragilistikal On: December 16, 2003 00:50 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hi, I just finished reading "Afterglow" and had some thoughts to share with you. Your writing is technically polished, and you certainly know how to get your thoughts across in your prose, and yet... And yet throughout the story, I couldn't help feeling as if it were *your* voice I was hearing, and not Ban's. There is a disparity in his inner voice (the narration), and his thoughts, especially considering the fact that the fic is in 3rd person limited. The narration is more stiff, more formal, than Ban is in his thoughts: "The memory would never cease to bring him sorrow, he'd loved both Himiko and Yamato like the siblings that fate had denied him, yet he'd had no choice in the matter. Someday he hoped to be able to tell the sixteen year old girl the truth about that horrible day, but for now, he chose to take a step back and return to another topic." versus: //So, anyway, Himiko figured I was straight when really I'm bi, that shouldn't have been any big deal.// The diction and syntax that you chose in this passage undermines the tone you are trying to achieve. After giving us a brief hint of the momentous catalyst Ban inflicted on their lives, and how much he repents, you have Ban call Himiko a "sixteen year old girl" which gives an air of condescension. (The problem lies in this: Why "sixteen year old girl"? Why not just "Himiko"? Or "Lady Poison"? It's all in the diction.) I felt no empathy for Himiko in these excerpts, and didn't feel that Ban did either - for a sister-figure, the family of the close friend he was forced to kill. Just Ban saying those words, like "sorrow" and "loved" and "horrible day" didn't make me sympathize. I felt that you could have fleshed out that painful thought with an actual segue into what their family dynamic was like in the old days; not a flashback, but a hint of what Ban lost that day and mourns even now. As it is, it felt cold. Ban then "[chooses] to take a step back and return to another topic," to the issue of his (ambi)sexuality. I thought this was out of character for Ban, as this sudden transition from something of major importance, something that nobody has learned to deal with yet, segued into Ban making an idle comment. If I was your beta, I would have suggested you leave out the entire first passage, as it makes Ban seem shallow and in the end it just becomes added baggage to a passage solely meant to segue into Ban becoming defensive about his relationship with Ginji. This sort of disparity effectively shook me out of your story, and made me take a step back and try to analyze your Ban. Who were you trying to portray in this story? Was this sort of style intentional? Were you trying to emphasize the different way Ban was raised to think (from his well-off background), between the way he learned to organize his thoughts (from his time with the Volts, etc)? And then I realized that I had totally fallen out of the rhythm of the story itself. I just wanted to give you a heads up on the issues I had with this story. As a striving writer myself, I'm always trying to make my goal: "show, don't tell." So I hope you get closer to your goal, too. =) -fragilistikal
| Reviewed By: fragilistikal On: December 16, 2003 00:47 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hi, I just finished reading "Afterglow" and had some thoughts to share with you. Your writing is technically polished, and you certainly know how to get your thoughts across in your prose, and yet... And yet throughout the story, I couldn't help feeling as if it were *your* voice I was hearing, and not Ban's. There is a disparity in his inner voice (the narration), and his thoughts, especially considering the fact that the fic is in 3rd person limited. The narration is more stiff, more formal, than Ban is in his thoughts: "The memory would never cease to bring him sorrow, he'd loved both Himiko and Yamato like the siblings that fate had denied him, yet he'd had no choice in the matter. Someday he hoped to be able to tell the sixteen year old girl the truth about that horrible day, but for now, he chose to take a step back and return to another topic." versus: //So, anyway, Himiko figured I was straight when really I'm bi, that shouldn't have been any big deal.// The diction and syntax that you chose in this passage undermines the tone you are trying to achieve. After giving us a brief hint of the momentous catalyst Ban inflicted on their lives, and how much he repents, you have Ban call Himiko a "sixteen year old girl" which gives an air of condescension. (The problem lies in this: Why "sixteen year old girl"? Why not just "Himiko"? Or "Lady Poison"? It's all in the diction.) I felt no empathy for Himiko in these excerpts, and didn't feel that Ban did either - for a sister-figure, the family of the close friend he was forced to kill. Just Ban saying those words, like "sorrow" and "loved" and "horrible day" didn't make me sympathize. I felt that you could have fleshed out that painful thought with an actual segue into what their family dynamic was like in the old days; not a flashback, but a hint of what Ban lost that day and mourns even now. As it is, it felt cold. Ban then "[chooses] to take a step back and return to another topic," to the issue of his (ambi)sexuality. I thought this was out of character for Ban, as this sudden transition from something of major importance, something that nobody has learned to deal with yet, segued into Ban making an idle comment. If I was your beta, I would have suggested you leave out the entire first passage, as it makes Ban seem shallow and in the end it just becomes added baggage to a passage solely meant to segue into Ban becoming defensive about his relationship with Ginji. This sort of disparity effectively shook me out of your story, and made me take a step back and try to analyze your Ban. Who were you trying to portray in this story? Was this sort of style intentional? Were you trying to emphasize the different way Ban was raised to think (from his well-off background), between the way he learned to organize his thoughts (from his time with the Volts, etc)? And then I realized that I had totally fallen out of the rhythm of the story itself. I just wanted to give you a heads up on the issues I had with this story. As a striving writer myself, I'm always trying to make my goal: "show, don't tell." So I hope you get closer to your goal, too. =) -fragilistikal
| Reviewed By: Lannie On: June 28, 2003 10:13 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hi Enigma! I've always enjoyed your fanfiction, so I was thrilled beyond belief to see that you wrote something for "GetBackers." This fic is quite sweet, well-written, and a treat for us BanxGinji/GinjixBan fans! Thanks for the story! | Reviewed By: Rubious2 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 27, 2003 16:09 CDT
Comment/Review:
"Ginji,next time, make sure Akabane isn't lurking about with a camcorder. Who knows what perverse pleasure he'll get when he watches that tape?"
"Ban-chan, you're right," whispers the blond GB as he snuggles against Mido Ban. "Could you put on those spurs now?"
Akabane steps out of the shadows and givs the Llama a thumbs-up. |
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