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| "Waste" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: Nothing wrong card On: November 21, 2003 15:36 CST
Comment/Review:
^_^ cool I lke it but the secornd part with the song 'hello' you said she then her so look back at ok. Keep up the good work!
| Title: If You Write Songs Fics, Go For More Fic Than Song
Reviewed By: Becca Stareyes [MediaMiner Member] On: November 21, 2003 08:00 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 4 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 6 of 10
Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
Normally I don't read songfics, and I have to say that yours has a lot of the reasons I don't. The first chapter is especially guilty of this -- it seems like there is more song than fic in it. The second one is better, but still kind of shaky. If you removed the song, the fic wouldn't have much substance. The time jumps in the fic also make it seem disjointed. One sentence and we're in Sakura's school, and then there are lyrics, and now we're in the hospital room for a few sentences before going into Meiling's mind. You definitely need to work on setting a scene -- as well as making your scenes longer. In short fiction -- what most songfics are -- scene changes should be avoided as much as possible. Also, there is very little to set this fic up as Card Captor Sakura -- about the only distinct mention unique to the world is that of Meiling thinking her comatose dream is a test of her magic. I'm not talking about magic and the supernatural -- characterization is also lacking. What takes Meiling from someone who seemed to be coping well (in grade school) with the fact Syaroran didn't seem to be as interested in her as she'd like to a teenager who is willing to kill herself? Honestly -- if you used the find/change function and switched in another love triangle (with appropriate pronoun changes), you could turn this fic into one for another fandom entirely and no one would be the wiser. On the plus side, the second chapter did seem better than the first -- the lyrics were more interspersed, and the description seemed stronger. So, you are improving.
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