Title: FFRG (Prologue)
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: May 17, 2005 18:27 CDT
Comment/Review:
Immediately I spotted a rather disturbing lack of description. I scrolled through to check on this and I must tell you that dialogue does not stand on its own. You need more description to give meat to the skeleton that is speech. Your dialogue is rather well-written, though, especially with your use of verbs denoting speech. I would point out, though, that ellipses are four periods when used at the end of a sentence. Also, when you want to emphasize a word, do not use caps. Caps is unprofessional and sloppy looking; use italics. On that vein, when someone is yelling, do not use caps for the same reason. The exclamation point and a "he yelled" more than does the job. You also don't need to draw out a word in dialogue; it looks awkward. Saying something like "released a long, drawn out scream, 'Daddy!'." Do not use contractions in narration; they are okay in dialogue, but they also look sloppy when used in the normal narration. Now, for some pluses. The character interaction isn't too bad and your concept is good. With some more description and some rewording of some problem sentences (find a good betareader to point these out) you could have a very good fic on your hands. Thanks for submitting to FFRG :-)
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