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| "Chaos Insues" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: inuyasha-lover [MediaMiner Member] On: January 07, 2006 13:56 CST
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
i like this story please continue it soon
| Title: A lot of potential lies here.
Reviewed By: Lady Pesh [MediaMiner Member] On: January 29, 2004 15:05 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 3 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
I didn't read all of this fic. It didn't hold my attention. I can see that there is a great story here, but the pacing and descriptions aren't presenting it. You have a lot of action happening, but as soon as it starts, it's over. Slow down, and paint the pictures. Think of a manga. Battles are more than two frames long. There are usually, at least 4 or 5 frames highlighting the most exciting parts of the battle and the climax where a victor emerges. When Daria is attacked by the guards in the Core, the battle begins, her strategy is revealed, then the climax is reduced to 5 brutes showing up. Suddenly, we find Daria in jail. This leaves the reader feeling cheated. Another problem is the dialogue. It doesn't flow naturally when Daria keeps throwing out smart ass one-liners to herself. It even becomes a turn-off to her character after a short while. It gives the impression that she's a snot-nosed 12-year-old instead of a capable young woman. I suggest you find a beta reader to help you smooth out the rough edges, and you will wind up with a great tale on your hands. Good luck, and keep writing! ^__^
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