| "New Life" Reviews/Comments [ 28 ] |
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Reviewed By: C. Rose On: November 19, 2003 09:07 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 3 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 3 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 2 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 4 of 10
Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
This first chapter is disappointing. The biggest mistake I noticed was that you weren't starting a new line each time a character spoke. Ami, Usai, and the others had an entire coversation during a paragraph. This made it impossible to tell who was talking. The second thing I noticed was that you never described anything. Just by reading the story we can assume everyone is naked because there is no way to tell what anyone is wearing. Did Nabiki jump up on the roof wearing her school uniform? something else? A bikini? What? Overall you are moving to fast. You could have added in a bit of mental dialog for ranma when he was walking back to Nerima. The completely overused scene with Akane at the beginning is so tired that I skipped reading it. Ive rated this as a 5, meaning it's kind of average, but there is plenty of potential to work from. I'll try not to be so harsh on the next couple of chapters unless I find something that really needs to be 'flamed' ^_^
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Title: hi!
Reviewed By: queenserena12345 [MediaMiner Member] On: November 14, 2003 15:01 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Good job! Keep going, please! I just became a fan of Ranma 1/2, so i don't know much about it, but your story sure makes sense to me anyway!
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Reviewed By: Skunktrain On: November 13, 2003 21:11 CST
Comment/Review:
Your spelling did improve in this chapter, at this point I would worry more about grammar. Try reading this: http://www.rpgamer.com/fanfics/tips.html there is a lot of good advice on writing in general there, feel free to ignore the "when using MS Word" tips.
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Title: Good job! ^^
Reviewed By: Gourrina_chan [MediaMiner Member] On: November 12, 2003 19:20 CST
Rating(s):Originality/Creativity: 5 of 10
Comment/Review:
I would say this is a fairly new and unexplore idea if it wasn't the fact there is some story already using the plot Ranma and so and so run toward juuban for new life...but nevertheless I have never seen one using Nabiki and Haruku as friend before so please keep up the good job and hopefully you will update soon! ^_^
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Reviewed By: Paul C. Heintz On: November 12, 2003 08:00 CST
Comment/Review:
Chapter 2 review: Well, the spelling does seem improved in chapter 2, but there are still a number of them in chapter 1. As for formatting, I cannot stress enough how important it is to make each speaker change a paragraph change. It detracts from the story if one has to constantly figure out who is saying what. I am glad you are not making the other fiancee's the other scouts. I just cannot see Happosai acting like that, he could care less about the costs or her threats. But to allow them to peacefully leave. Might want to have a scene with a better explanation as to why Nabiki wanted to go with him, even if it is just her thoughts. I'm surprised there was no reactions or thoughts listed from any of the remaining Tendos. My favorite bit has to be the part with her telling Ranma that girls would not be a problem if he is there a girl. I knew even before you mentioned it was Haruka's house that him being a she would stop nothing. Unless it had been some time since last meeting with her, Nabiki should have known of Haruka's leanings. Unless she thought she was a boy. Wouldn't that be a hoot, since Ranma thought Ukyo was a boy. Where in the Ranma and SM storylines is this taking place? It has to be at least into the S season of sailor moon, and unsure about Ranma.
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Reviewed By: Sonic0815 On: November 12, 2003 05:35 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 3 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 4 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 4 of 10
Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
Ok... about the over-used "Ranma as a Sailor Scout"... i don't care... i just thought you should know :-) The grammar is still awful... you should also slow down a little bit. It looks like you write in a hurry - which is not really necessary. You also may want to look over the Happosai part. I don't think he would be so easily "turned over" by Nabiki. Genma possibly, but the old master pervert with more tricks up his sleeves than Mouse has weapons there? I don't think so :-) As a final note: get a pre-/proofreader to help with your spelling and grammar. The spelling could (partly) be fixed with a spellchecker, the proofreader should point out little (or big) things for correction. Best for this job would be a native english :-)
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Title: lo!
Reviewed By: Slywolf9 [MediaMiner Member] On: November 11, 2003 18:51 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
hey! YAY! u updated!!! HOORAH!!!! ahem, sry. gooood job! poor Ranma...had all da girls chasing him! eep! hehe-well, gooooood job! thanks for updating so soon! cant wait for more! -Lani
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Reviewed By: Busogre On: November 11, 2003 16:17 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 6 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Its pretty good, although a little on the cliche side. Its also a little fast moving, you should give a better explaination for why Nabiki wants to go to Juuban with Ranma.
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Reviewed By: Paul C. Heintz On: November 11, 2003 07:54 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 3 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 4 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is not a bad start, I like the idea, though a bit too short for my own tastes. You could have expanded on why Nabiki wanted to go with him, or why Setsuna was waiting a bit better. There are a couple fan cliches in this though. Akane could really hit Ranma 15 miles, as you state, though many fanfics have that in them as a opener. Ranma as a Senshi and as a Knight have been done before. However, if you are making this a Ranma/Nabiki match, that is unusual in a SM fic. I shudder at the thought of who the other 5 are, I really hope they are not his fiancees, that could be disasterous. But like the other reviewers, I think you really need to spell check and start a new paragraph each time someone else takes over the conversation. Also, you might want to break each scene change with some type of divider line or indicator.
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Title: lo
Reviewed By: Slywolf9 [MediaMiner Member] On: November 10, 2003 10:14 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
hey! good job! i dunno much about s.m. n nethin bout ranma, but i LOVE this so far! gooooood job! i really wanna noe wut happens, so please update sooooon! -Lani
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Reviewed By: Sonic0815 On: November 10, 2003 08:56 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 1 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 5 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 4 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
Please, for all that is holy, have a look at your grammar. That's atrocious. Especially in the later part of the chapter. Fix that and you will have a decent start for a story - even if the "Ranma is a Sailor Senshi"-Theme is awfully overused and gets old.
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Reviewed By: Lord Anime On: November 10, 2003 04:10 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
learn to spell other the that this this is a great fic
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Reviewed By: Skunktrain On: November 10, 2003 04:07 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 5 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
You were hurt by your poor grammar more than it would appear by looking at the numbers. Most of your spelling would be caught by a simple spellcheck ("cept" should have been "kept" and "non-negotiable" is the proper spelling), and you have to put a paragraph break in when somone new starts talking even if it means you have only one sentance in that paragraph. If you clean up your spelling and grammar, this will be much more enjoyable because most people don't enjoy playing the "Who is speaking and what did they say?" game.
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