Title: FFRG review ch 1
Reviewed By: White_Winged_Atlantian [MediaMiner Member] On: November 11, 2005 15:27 CST
Comment/Review:
The only criticisms I could have with your beginning is that it's a bit /too/ enigmatic. You need to let some things slip or else people won't be grabbed by your story. "Laid out" sounds as if someone set dinner up for someone else. The words you're looking for are "Lay down, or Lain on her fifteen year old cousin's (That 's is a big part) bed". You have a lot of typos and I would suggest a good beta. You also have tense problems. "A single tear escapes from her sea-green eyes as she watches the love of her life take his final breathe." Is incorrect on a lot of levels. "A single tear escaped from her sea-green eyes, as she watched the love of her life take his final breath." There is no e at the end of breath. Otherwise you've changed the word to the action of taking breath, to breathe. And I take this time to elaborate on the enormity of the amount of typos you have. You should also explain what's been happening in your story up until now better, perhaps put in some of the politics of Veriza and other things. Overall this story needs some work but you've got a good start. Keep it up. ~ Sisi,
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