| "Toxic" Reviews/Comments [ 12 ] |
Reviewed By: supernerd3333 On: July 30, 2005 12:56 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I am very intrigued. What really did happen in ancient Egypt? Who does Yami really like? I am very confused. Oh well, please update soon.
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Title: FFARG part two
Reviewed By: SisiLuffs On: June 12, 2005 17:33 CDT
Comment/Review:
Also if you take what you had in parenthesis for Yami's reaction you could take it out of the brackets and just describe his reactions there. I was a bit confused at first. "You of all people should know that's all superstition-" Umm…Pana? If Yami is telling him that he believes in reincarnation shouldn't Seto clue in that Yami obviously doesn't think it's all superstition? Just a bit of confusion there. I like how you edged into the "that would be me thing" But you could make Yami look less like a blushing teenager by making him cut off his sentences and pause which give about the same effect as blushing and turning red. "Something struck Seto's heart-his soul, and he suddenly couldn't let Yami leave. His hand, acting upon its own accord, shot out and grabbed Yami on the arm, stopping him in his tracks." This here could be described more fully and slowly drawing out the tension and high parts of the moment by going in further into the subtle movements that Seto might make, a tremble or a heart beat or a ragged breath. I like the sense of danger and urgency you placed into the story near the end of the first chapter but I think Seto goes a little bit fast from thinking Yami is a bastard booger to 'my godz I want to save his life!" And to other reviewers, creative bullshit is damned good bullshit. The ability to be creative is a good thing.
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Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: SisiLuff On: June 12, 2005 17:31 CDT
Comment/Review:
Well first off the bat, is it so very important to have the thoughts between Yami and Hikari? It's a bit confusing. In the second paragraph of story where you list off that this wasn't the first night he'd spent…you could link the second one and the last one to let them flow better with an 'and' or another joining word. Right after that where you state that the dream, and then he dubbed 'them' memories. Change dream to 'dreams' and that will work better. You talk about the dreams as plural so it needs to be plural all through. ALSO! Something that just got drilled into my head, contractions like "he'd", "wouldn't", or "can't" don't happen in narration. You have to use them as "he had" or "would not" or "cannot". I don't know Yu-gi-oh very well, but the characters seem marvellously kept in character and not a lot of people do that. They talk very… I don't know exactly what it is but they're done very well. "before I go off to work, and… we'll talk all you want." You don't need a space after the "…we'll" Also as Seto stared into Yami's eyes looking for insincerity, you could have used "It was hard to see, but he felt no malice in Yami's words." When you say 'when Seto awoke' you could place in a time reference to give people a notion of how long Yami was kept waiting. "Mutou," I don't know what this means, and not all readers know Japanese. Just keep that in mind.
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Title: What the hell?!
Reviewed By: Deme [MediaMiner Member] On: October 04, 2004 18:13 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
Creative bullshit! That's what I say. First, Seto is schizophrenic and then soon becomes a hikari to a crazy, Yami-obsessed Sethos. Oh, and what's up with these names? What happened to the much more sexy name of Seth, and Atemu? I must say that this is interesting, but a little too rushed for my liking. Also, Sethos' personality is disturbing. I don't know, maybe it's the pairings that are making me bias. But still.. the only part that makes me uneasy is Sethos' unpredictable way. He is acting very OOC (so are everyone else) but still. Other than that, good fic.
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Reviewed By: Cody Thomas (the lazy bum) On: September 15, 2004 01:54 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
By "As soon as possible", you had better mean "By next week sometime!" I hate clifies! write more! NOW! Go, shoo, go write more story, no pocky until you do!
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Reviewed By: Niffe_24 [MediaMiner Member] On: September 07, 2004 13:52 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
I love it!! I can't wait to see what happens next!! Poor Yami!!
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Title: funny
Reviewed By: dm10 [MediaMiner Member] On: August 26, 2004 17:59 CDT
Comment/Review:
I know probably it wasn't meant to be funny, but this fic is hilarious! I really like it. Update please?
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Reviewed By: Cyfris [MediaMiner Member] On: August 01, 2004 23:31 CDT
Comment/Review:
sugoi!! coolies, please update again soon!
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Reviewed By: Cody Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: July 31, 2004 02:25 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
two chappies in two days! YEA! keep up this pace please!
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Reviewed By: HD On: June 28, 2004 05:50 CDT
Comment/Review:
Please . . . could you write some more? *makes big puppy/Yugi/Mokuba eyes*
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Reviewed By: Cody Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: June 25, 2004 14:43 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
wow, for a debut fic i must say your writing style is very well developed! kudos to you! I'm gonna put this story in my favorites so I can get notices when you update!
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Title: fan
Reviewed By: micky milo do On: March 22, 2004 04:47 CST
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I love yami/seto fics and i have to say this story is on my fav list. So please keep writing as i love this fic. Also your a great writer
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