Reviewed By: Sin6 On: May 18, 2004 00:23 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 5 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 5 of 10
Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
Just to say I'm a hard rater. I enjoyed the idea of the fic but there are a few things you need to work on. First off, add more descriptions in your writing, not just what people are wearing but about were they are, the atmosphere, the smells and the sounds. Like is the inside of the sorceror supply shop musty? or is it bright and clean? Is the hill they fight on a grassy hill or is it just dirt? Does the wind whisper through the grass like the ladies of the court? Etc etc. There is almost no description in this fic that isn't about something immediate to the plot. It's subtle descriptions that build a literary piece not blunt statements. Your grammer is good as far as I could see. I didn't run into any sentances that just screamed 'awkward'. You alternated between to spellings of Darren; Darren and Daren. I also didn't run into many interesting vocabulary words either. Might try adding a few, its the spice of literature. Good principle idea. But unfortunately your OC's are a little...dry and slightly Mary-Sue-ish. This can be fixed though as they are in early development. Give them flaws, make them more real. So maybe Katia doesn't always complete the protection spell on time and has a fight with Darren. It makes her real. Maybe she can't do Dragon Slave. It makes her real. Maybe she's not the first to know who Xellos really is, and maybe she is the first. At any rate I don't suggest making her the all-knowing demi-goddess who orcestrates everything, otherwise you'll have a raging Mary Sue on your hands, not a pleasant thing to have. I enjoyed it mostly. If you take my advice that I'm giving you it would up my enjoyment factor by eons. I was not brought into the fic but it didn't bore me to tears. Still, don't make Lina too predictable, or else she seems less Lina-y. Lina is unpredictable some N% of the time too. Overall it was okay. I'm reviewing this fic as a whole not just this chapter. This fic can go places but it can also lose its way. It all depends on you. Decide and then act accordingly. I give you this advice and hope that you follow it. I also hope you have the sense to realize a review when you get one and don't class this off as a flame. If you do, you haven't been listening. If you don't, you have my regards. Drop me a line if you so feel, sora_hane@hotmail.com
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