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| "A Promise Kept" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG Chapter two
Reviewed By: *Sisi* On: June 14, 2005 16:25 CDT
Comment/Review:
Your first sentence is supposed to draw your reader into your story and if there are weaknesses there, some readers will take that to mean that there will be weaknesses in your story weather or not it's true. You could have said "Sorata followed Kamui out of the hospital and into the rain; where Kamui simply stood there." ""Just like you said." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ " I don't know why the ~*~*~ is there, perhaps a formatting problem on the site? It's confusing though. You also said in the beginning that Sorata followed Kamui, and then you said he left the building. Either you could mention that he paused earlier on or do away with the sentence altogether. "Genki-ness" This is bad. Not only is it a lesser-used Japanese word but also it's Japanese nonetheless. Using Japanese in stories is usually confusing to readers that don't know the language, or they just take away from the whole sense you want to put along with your story. I wasn't aware Kamui had an aunt but if she's an original character she's very well done. Angst boy - You seem to put a lot of these things in your stories that take away from the narration rather than putting in the full description in. They seem humorous to the author but they just make you seem lazy. I did like the Japanese translation. Certain phrases sometimes you cant get out of using so it's always best to explain them well through dialogue or narration.
| Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Rini Saiyan-jin [MediaMiner Member] On: May 02, 2005 02:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
Nice introductory ... the italics are yours. A/N: I thought I made it …..weird. Okay? (Bold you're a/ns or triple space your first paragraph for separations) Sorata was death-glared… (Show! Don't tell, showing's good) (Matter of opinion, but I believe that you're using a lot of dashes. Sometimes elipses or parathensis are good, look for other options than using dashes all the time)"But anyways," Sorata shrugged. (The word 'Anways' is not exactly correct, even in dialogue, quoting from a source ""Anyways" is a strictly colloquial expression, as ungrammatical in written English as "anyhows" because adverbs cannot be plural.") Overall, I love the style you write. Very smooth and advances nicely into a story you're writing.
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