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| "Rune's Quest for Peace" Reviews/Comments [ 4 ] | Title: FFRG ch2
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: June 24, 2006 16:43 CDT
Comment/Review:
First, I want to apologize for the late review; we've had internal issues. Now, the very first sentence of the fic bugged me - you made it come off like the grass is huge and strong enough to spring someone into the air. I highly doubt that's possible. His feet are what do it. Second paragraph is what he's thinking but that wasn't readily apparent as there is nothing else to set it apart from the narrative; italics work well here. "They're" is seen as "they are" not "they were," so that comes off like a tense change. And last annoying detail before I move onto the big picture: sight-seers - do you mean siteseers (tourists) or seers who see visions? Either way, that needs to be changed. Now, when you have a quotation inside another quotation, you should use a different mark, otherwise it can get confusing for a moment, which is long enough to jerk someone out of the story. If you use double-quotes around the main speech, use single around the what is being quoted in said speech. You should fix the formatting because all throughout the chapter you have clumps of paragraphs squashed together; maybe it's just your style, but I find it annoying. Now, some good stuff - you have nice ability to include just enough details that we can see the surroundings, without including a lot of superfluous descriptions. Kudos on that, I rarely ever see it anymore in the necessary places. After a brief look at the first chapter, I'm going to assume that you're not really writing this for people who know nothing at all about the canon or fandom, which can be good or bad; whichever it is, though, it means I can't really say much about how it didn't really pull me in and keep me interested. I've never heard of Dragon Knights before, so obviously I have no caring for the characters going into the fic. That's all for now; thank you for submitting to the FFRG and for your patience in getting reviewed.
| Title: FFARG ch 1
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: June 18, 2005 16:46 CDT
Comment/Review:
Shouting is not conducive to transcendental oneness. (Transcendental Oneness and You! page 5) This was the first thing I came to that sounded slightly odd. It's funny, but it doesn't look right perhaps without it as a quotation that way no one would get confused about tenses (I was going to thwap you with the stick of time tenses for a moment there) Perhaps if you touched more on where they are in the story or generally what they had been doing before they got to the castle it would be more clear (Unless that's for some foreshadowing purpose) You added another quote and I don't know why you didn't do it with the first one. I don't *really* know what's going on with this chapter but it's the first chapter so you're allowed to be a bit confusing. I like the use of quotes, and I love your writing style Vuir.
| Reviewed By: Kurayami Ryuu/the thing in the attic On: October 10, 2004 18:14 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Seriously, only one review? The insanity! *bonks random passer-by on head* Shame on you! Random passer-by: ... *edges away* ...Hmm, I seem to have that effect on people... Oh well! ^_^ I love the story! I was bored and since there was nothing to eat I got online instead and clicked on the first random story I saw and, wow, it was actually a good one! Horay! LOL... I commend you on the whole pre-horridly-ansty-Rath atmosphere of it all, and I shall have to read the other two ^_^
| Title: It's got a good start...
Reviewed By: Master_Of_Red_Eyes On: July 13, 2004 10:08 CDT
Comment/Review:
Heya there, I'm just gonna say that it has a really good, start, I'm hooked, but could ya update it?!?!
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