| "AWAKENING" Reviews/Comments [ 11 ] |
Reviewed By: inumoon3 [MediaMiner Member] On: September 26, 2004 20:21 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is an a really good original fic! And I read it like you asked and I can't believe you thought this up when you were younger! Anyway what happened when you imed me, but anyway great job!
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Reviewed By: Loveulesser On: September 05, 2004 17:53 CDT
Comment/Review:
Eya! I finally had free time so I was able to read this. Sorry that it took me so long. It's really good and it would be cool if you could make a game like this. Also...why don't you want me iming you? I was gonna comment on your story by using that, but hey. Uh...sorry if I did/said something wrong. Please continue this too. ((I'm actually not confused by it anymore))
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Title: continuation of review (part three)
Reviewed By: sephlier [MediaMiner Member] On: August 21, 2004 19:26 CDT
Comment/Review:
unnecessary detail, also. Example: "Many male soldiers ran out of their dorms crying mainly because the Female dorms gt destroyed leaving no woman alive.Most of the men had girlfriends there which was mainly why they were crying.Mika ran ahead of them,knowing a similar blast was to be fired." Maybe: Many of the male soldiers ran from their dorm room in tears. Some were saddened due to shock while others were brought to their knees by the shelling of the female dorms. Many of them had girlfriends that did not make it out alive. Mika ran ahead of his sorrowful comrades, knowing that the probability of another blast being fired was imminent. Your tenses seemed to shift between past and present, also. Watch out for spelling, I cannot stress this enough. Example: Manuver - Maneuver Tommarow/Tomarrow - Tomorrow Just to let you know, I use "tomarrow" in my journal entries and when I'm conversing with someone through the Instant Messengers. There are stories where the author will change spelling to give their characters a drawl. In my case, I do speak with a drawl but if it isn't dialogue you will often see it as "tomorrow." All in all, it's not a bad story. It puts me in mind of Final Fantasy VIII. You have the elements of the Seifer and Squall competitiveness and the female intervention. I'm going to read more of this when I get some more time. Your action sequences seem a little…distant somehow. I'll be able to tell you more about my thoughts on this story when I finish it l |
Title: continuation of review
Reviewed By: sephlier [MediaMiner Member] On: August 21, 2004 19:25 CDT
Comment/Review:
the reader-especially if they are unfamiliar with the contents of your note. In this case, there are several people that do not know who Riku is or have never played Kingdom Hearts. If it doesn't belong in the story, don't use it. Separate your character's dialogue, too. I have a problem with this also but I have not had the time for editing-just yet. Try to cut down on the use of "he's" and "she's." Try using lines like: The youth, the red head, the spiky haired boy, etc. The combinations are endless. Punctuation is a problem here also as well as inappropriate spacing between words after commas and periods. One space after a comma and two after a period. Example: "He bent down and turned the bubbler on.He felt so refreshed as the water streamed down his dry throat.He felt like he could sit there all day.He felt someone tap his back and he spun around." Avoid sentences like the one above. The punctuation and spacing is off and your use of "he" and "he felt" is overkill. You might want to try: He bent down and turned the bubbler on and enjoyed the refreshing feel of the water stream down his dry throat. He wanted to sit there all day until a tap on the shoulder broke his moment of comfort. In aggravation he spun around to confront the person behind him. "Yeah sure,"he said.He digged into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of Pepsi and handed it to her. Try: "Yeah, sure." he said and dug into his pocket. He removed a bottle of Pepsi and handed it to her. Keep an eye out for unn |
Title: This Is Only Chapters One Through Three
Reviewed By: sephlier [MediaMiner Member] On: August 21, 2004 19:23 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is the first story I have reviewed in a long time so forgive me if you see any mistakes. I would like to first point out that the placement of your story does not matter as long as it has some Final Fantasy elements. If you look at the other stories here, you will notice that there are several stories that are largely consisting of original characters with no Final Fantasy characters at all but they do keep some of the popular elements from the game. One of your reviewers might want to look back through and consider this before commenting on what makes an author.Now, for this review: The information I have provided below pertains to your first three chapters of AWAKENING. These are just little details that I noticed right off the bat. It's not a matter as to whether I like the story or not-it's just some errors I have found. Your pacing on this story is quite nice. It doesn't flash before your eyes like some of your other works. I think what you need to do though is go back through and a little more detail in some areas. There are other words you can use when describing people and their actions. Your first paragraph, I believe it is, has too much detail in it, however. You need to reorganize your character's traits by, maybe, combining some of your descriptions. Author's notes don't belong in the actual story body. If they are going to be used, keep them in story summaries or at the beginning or end of a chapter. Don't put them in the actual text; it can be confusing for |
Reviewed By: Tom RO 91 [MediaMiner Member] On: August 10, 2004 14:37 CDT
Comment/Review:
Omg.......comp problums
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Reviewed By: fujinakaheero [MediaMiner Member] On: August 09, 2004 18:30 CDT
Comment/Review:
No matter how much attention you want for your stories it's not right to be putting 'orginal' stories in these categorie. You can get introuble for it by Mediaminer people... maybe you should put it back because you can mis-lead people who probably think this is a FF story and than when they start reading it, it's not. A real author puts their stories where they belong and should accept the number or people that read their story even if it's not to many people. Just be happy that people would like to read your story... I do not mean that in a mean way. All I say is that you should take what you can get and be happy with it.
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Title: Oops
Reviewed By: Tom RO 91 [MediaMiner Member] On: August 03, 2004 08:05 CDT
Comment/Review:
That last review was sent by my freind who made the 1st review.I was logged in by my name.
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Reviewed By: Tom RO 91 [MediaMiner Member] On: August 01, 2004 21:26 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
It was good but I have some questions. How old are they? Who is Faris? White Angel Dark Angel? Weird.
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Reviewed By: Sadeo [MediaMiner Member] On: July 25, 2004 12:49 CDT
Comment/Review:
Good, very good. But, I gotta agree with the other guy, HOW THE HECK CAN SWORDS BEAT GUNS!?! *CRASH* *Groans* Kuso.......is it just me or every time I do something having the title 'Final Fantasy' my stupid muse's yami Asih blows up mah kitchen?! And the story could be counted like another Final Fantasy! So it has something to do with it. Ja Ne!
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Reviewed By: Freind of TOM RO 91 On: July 08, 2004 20:34 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 5 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
It was good...but the spelling could have been better and how can swords ever beat guns?
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