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| "Swarm Saga" Reviews/Comments [ 28 ] | | Pages (2): [ 1 2 › » ] | Reviewed By: rdk On: July 06, 2007 10:07 CDT
Comment/Review:
I'm finally getting around to reading this and I've spent the past couple of days trying to catch up. I so enjoy an ensemble story and you have a good one going here. You have a wonderful blend of humor, action and drama, not to mention the hint of romance, to make this an interesting and fun read. There are a few grammatical errors and there were areas when I got confused between dialog and thought (and I apologize for not being able to find the point, because it all looks fine the second time around). And I'm not quite sure of certain actions - why Marron ended up at Goten's (was he closer or because she's more comfortable with him?). This may be apparent and I just need to re-read or it may be explained later. Over all a wonderful story and I look forward to more.
| Reviewed By: ilex9 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 23, 2007 00:49 CDT
Comment/Review:
Everytime I read one of your chapters, I'm reminded at how much better at this you are than I am. ;) Nice update - you gave us a little bit of most of the characters, and you got Vegeta to make me laugh (which doesn't happen often).
| Reviewed By: eshfemme [MediaMiner Member] On: January 07, 2006 21:30 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I really love this fic and the concept of it. I love the potential character development that you're setting up. I'm also happy that you're using your OC for the purposes of a foil and that it's not a traditional Mary Sue OC or romantic prospect. OCs have been so overused in this respect that it IS a fanfiction cliche for the OC to become what is essential a deus ex machina on the part of the author. I'm really glad that your OC is well-developed and that you are well aware of how you will use the OC to advance your plot. I really like all the tensions that you're building up and I hope that you will update soon as the next installment looks to be very exciting. Also, any Vegeta moments are always cool. The inexplicable Saiyan colony is a good mystery to dangle in front of us too. I felt that Vegeta's reaction is very in character and realistic since if I were him, I'd be wracking my brains too. Anyway, please update!
| Title: FFARG Review Ch. 4
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: November 30, 2005 20:43 CST
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your piece to FFARG. You have a good solid story here with a good plot. The pace of the chapter moves wonderfully and it has a nice flow to it. I like how you get into Goku's head as he watches Vegeta deal with the women that crashed the tournament. You keep Goku in character when dealing with a fight and Vegeta comes across as the arrogant prince we all love to hate at times. I also liked the little bit of comedy you threw in with the remark about Roshi telling all the old stories. I can tell that you have a good handle on grammar in your piece and you use the right amount of descriptive passages to pull the reader into the story. This is a solid piece that has a lot of potential in future chapters. I did, however, find myself giving one line of dialogue a second read through to understand that you were mentioning a planet name only because I had not read prior chapters. That aside I will say once more that you have a solid story that has a lot of potential Thank you once more for submitting your piece to FFARG.
| Title: FFRG review chap 4
Reviewed By: ElvinYouko [MediaMiner Member] On: November 30, 2005 12:30 CST
Comment/Review:
Many apologies for how long it to get a review to you. Now back to your regularly schedule review: Good Job! I just read chapter 4, so I don't understand all of the plot. The chapter plot was clear enough that I could follow it, always a good thing. I liked how you made Goku thoughtful and polite, instead of clueless. The only big problem that I could find was that your chapter is a little jerky. People are in one place, then they go to another without enough transition between for readers to adjust. Adding some thoughts while characters are transitioning would be helpful. An example in this chapter would be Goku thinking about what he's going to say to the others while dragging Vegeta out. Otherwise, very good.
| Title: FFRG Review Ch. 3
Reviewed By: Sueric [MediaMiner Member] On: November 28, 2005 20:07 CST
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting to FFRG. Firstly, I think that you have a very strong sense of description and a good handle on character voice. However, there were a few places where the wording seemed slightly off. For example, in the first paragraph of the chapter, "Vegeta blasted the door and stormed into the room as it splintered apart." The image here was that the room blasted apart, and I'm certain you meant that it was the door. Pronouns should only be used to reflect the last noun used (in this case, 'room') or it becomes confusing. There are a few other places of that nature scattered throughout an otherwise strong chapter. You have a very strong sense of description, both illustrative and action-based, and it is a nice mix as it does not weigh down the story but enhances it. There are some insignificant grammatical things (unnecessary commas, etc) but those are quite negligible. Overall, strong chapter, and very nicely done! Thanks again for submitting to FFRG!
| Title: FFRG Review: Ch 2
Reviewed By: Sueric [MediaMiner Member] On: September 28, 2005 23:14 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hi, and thank you for submitting Ch 2 of your fic to FFRG. The first thing I noticed was the rather stilted description of the action in the beginning of your submission. There is a strong voice to your writing, however the almost passive voice in the action sequencing at the beginning drew my attention, and some of the wordings could have been a little more powerful. For example, "the box exploded as the chairs hit the ground…" In this, the 'as' seems off. Did the chairs hit the ground because the box exploded or are they two separate happenings? Also, the quotes in the paragraph were distracting and would have been easier read had they existed as separate paragraphs. There were many longer paragraphs which weren't bad but could also be easier read if broken into 2 smaller paragraphs. Those things aside, I felt that your submission was strong; your style distinctive. Your care to grammar and spelling is commendable, and in that, you and your beta(s) are doing an awesome job. Dialogue flows well and is believable, and character voices seem to be easily defined. Overall, very nice chapter! Thanks for submitting to FFRG!
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: July 12, 2005 23:35 CDT
Comment/Review:
This was very well done. You kept several characters in character, though you may have wanted to add some description to some of the mentioned characters. Your OC doesn't seem to be too much of a Mary Sue, since she is taking a beating, and considering the DBZ universe... One should always expect a stronger fighter in the ring. I didn't see any grammer problems, and your descriptions were well done. Good job and thanks for submitting to FFARG.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Nekotsuki [MediaMiner Member] On: July 04, 2005 06:02 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hi! Now, I have limited knowledge of the DBZ universe - I know the characters, and I know a few of the stories, but that's it. Given that, I'm impressed with the amount of entertainment reading this chapter gave me. I can cheerfully say each of your cast maintained solid characterisation, and it's rare to see a well done, tense and drawn out interrogation scene. I could see it very clearly. Your spelling and grammar are excellent as a rule. Constructively, all I can tell you is that I occasionally lost track of who was staring at who, or who was speaking; when not completely familiar with the characters, you may confuse your reader when you use things like "the prince sneered at the scholar" directly after the 'scholar' has spoken and in the same paragraph. This breaks the usual format for dialogue in which the follow up description would usually be an action from the person speaking. Occasionally you used a comma wrong; that's about all I could find. Style wise you do just fine, and given I would imagine that DBZ is a hard fandom to write for successfully, I commend you. Thanks for submitting to FFARG!
| Reviewed By: Bardockgurl [MediaMiner Member] On: July 01, 2005 04:02 CDT
Comment/Review:
Oooh - look!! my reviewing skills rival my beta'ing ones!! I could have sworn I'd reviewed each subsequent chapter of this O.o I wanted to skip and dance over Yummy Yammy's new gal, and lament that with 200 Saiyans left, not one of them is tall scarred and sexy!! :(( Oh well, I can see how he can't be there... *sniff* And now we have to wait to see what happens, because you put your education above our entertainment... Where are your priorities woman?? :D
| Reviewed By: Dacheran [MediaMiner Member] On: June 10, 2005 21:17 CDT
Comment/Review:
I was wondering though, I wanted to mention, how you're going to deal with full moons for your OC. Or were you?
| Reviewed By: Dacheran [MediaMiner Member] On: June 10, 2005 06:54 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I both agree and disagree with Love of Vegeta... you shouldn't shy away from your original character too much. They CAN be done well, just aren't normally. You're doing a good job so far. I also like Seloli. Stuck up asocial characters are so much more fun than goody-hero types... (probably why I've never been a fan of the Son lineage.) I disagree on the Goten with Marron thing though *hsst!* for no real logical reason... But of the two, Trunks is way cooler in my opinion. GT ruined him though... GT ruined the whole series. *sigh* If only Akira Toriyama hadn't abandoned it... ah well. I digress. Yamcha should teach Aki his cool signature moves. And have either a son or daughter at some point. (not unheard of at that age, just uncommon) Simply because he's cool and it'd be a shame if he missed out on passing along new generations... I also wanted to compliment you on your skill at foreshadowing, at least at some things. And the skill with which you realistically develope the world and continuing generation. Really fleshes things out nicely. I noticed a typo though... forget which chapter. In which it says through instead of threw. I think. I might just be delirous from fatigue(as I tend not to do my reading till about 3:50 am without sleep.) The marron training after all is a bit done... but you did it well, and I'm probably going to do it too so I can't complain. :D Anyways... I'll stop rampling now. (Curse mediaminer's lack of paragraphs in reveiws!)
| Reviewed By: Love Of Vegeta [MediaMiner Member] On: March 24, 2005 09:57 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Another fabulous chappie!!! When Vegeta says; "You're more than welcome to try it again if you think you still can." I loved that!!! Yamacha's proposal was very well written, and I really hope Goten gets with Marron now, I feel so sorry for the lil saiyan! I'm not dissapointed about having to wait for the interogation, it is well worth the wait! And this chapter is great the way it is! Till the next chapter! I wish I could put little exclamation marks after your ratings! =) I'm in a happy mood.
| Reviewed By: Love Of Vegeta [MediaMiner Member] On: February 08, 2005 15:09 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
*Adds to favorites* Oh I love this fic! You've really done a good job with keeping everyone in character, and how they've all got their story to tell! You should really have more reviews for this fic, it's one of the best I've read in a while. I love stories with original characters, it makes the story more interesting. I hope you give Seloli a bigger part in this though, I think you've given her a perfect attitude for a saiyan, and I wanna see how Vegeta acts when he finaly gets a chance to interogate her! Please, please please write the next chapter! I'll be waiting!
| Reviewed By: pannybaby123 [MediaMiner Member] On: February 03, 2005 23:41 CST
Comment/Review:
yey u up dated!! great chapter writ more soon!!
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