Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: MissMusicality [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2005 12:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
Lol, well you certainly put this in the right genres. Thank you very much for submitting to FFARG. As a whole, the story was interesting, and I like how you took a deep look into one woman's psyche. Very well analyzed, and the sections seemed to fit together nicely. Your sentence structures would flow much better if you made them a little more complex. As of now, they are very simple sentences, all placed together, one after another, and none of them seem to progress into the next. Here is just an example: "Sora entered the elevator, one of the few places here that weren't haunted by that damn pink color. Sora saw she was the only person in the elevator. She pulled out her cigarette and lit one up." The repeated use of her name makes it more choppy, when you could change it to something like: "Sora entered the elevator, one of the few places here that weren't haunted by that damn pink color, and saw she was the only person there." Something similar to that effect could be used throughout your story, making it flow better. Also, you could use some minor grammer work throughout the piece. For example: "they're was always the smoke brake" should be "there was always the smoke break." Now, I understand that maybe you were going for the choppy effect, (and you would be right in doing so) but right now I think it's a little too much. Overall, excellent piece of work you have here! Very unique, and it was fun to read. Thank you again for submitting!
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