Title: FFRG review (chapter 1)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: July 17, 2005 02:05 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to the FFRG. Very interesting premise - I haven't read very many Gaara-centric Naruto stories, so this was a nice change for me. I do have several issues to comment on. Grammatically speaking, you have a solid base. However, you misuse many punctuation marks - most notably the comma. I noticed far too many commas, and a number of them should be replaced with other markings (such as dashes, semi-colons, or even with sentence-ending marks). The tense changes also threw me off; there were a few cases where you jumped to present tense, which isn't necessary in this chapter, especially since you present Gaara's thoughts as part of the narrative. The lack of contractions (for the most part) lent an overly formal and very stilted feel to parts of the story - adding the contractions in will help the narrative flow a little more naturally. As for style, you have many excellent turns of phrase, but you also have many over-reached ones as well. Several of your analogies were awkward and seemed to be too obscure. A few places were missing words as well, and you had excess words in other places. I'd suggest you get a decent beta reader to help you with these (and the grammatical) issues. On the flip side, your story is very interesting so far premise-wise, and I enjoyed your characterization of Gaara. Keep writing! Thanks again for submitting your story to the FFRG. ^^
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