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| "The Princess Recalls Her One Adventure" Reviews/Comments [ 6 ] | Title: FFARG Ch2 cont
Reviewed By: Sidhe (Sisi) On: June 16, 2005 15:41 CDT
Comment/Review:
If you called someone a cow even 70 years ago they'd look at you and go: "Wtf?" Over all it's ok for the most part. I stand by this with almost everyone I review in that you must keep in mind that your reader will not know what you're thinking. You need to make yourself clear.
| Title: FFARG ch2 (Cont)
Reviewed By: Sidhe (Sisi) On: June 16, 2005 15:40 CDT
Comment/Review:
Instead of 'Your' you need to use "You're" because that is a contraction for "you are" rather than your as a possessive. You need to work on your capitalization. Capitalized words come after periods or exclamation marks, but not after "…" You also need to clearly define when your character is thinking and when you've gone back to narrating. You can do this by working in Italics Also, explaining briefly why Kagome is with Sesshoumaru and why she needs to pretend that she isn't Kagome. Even if you have it in a previous chapters so that people don't have to go back and check through. Describing the dress she had on more would be better than placing that in dialogue. I also believe she should be trying not to cough up a lung. And with leather you will still get damp, but leather stays warmer. I love your description of the lady behind the counter that's very well done and if you could take the description you have there to everything you'd be set. "Anyway, I didn't correct her" that's so very unprofessional when you write. "One in particular was trying everything in a skirt." You could or should place "Trying the patience of everything in skirts." I liked your description of Tarot it warms my card-reading heart to see someone actually do some sort of research or what not about them before using them in a story. Second, you're fairly ok about using newer words in an old setting of a story but 'cow' is a fairly new insult.
| Title: FFARG Ch2
Reviewed By: Sidhe (Sisi) On: June 16, 2005 15:38 CDT
Comment/Review:
Well first off, what you need to know about OOC is that I don't think it exists. As long as you have a good and clear enough explanations you can make the character you're working with do anything you want them to; just as long as you're willing to put the effort into explaining it. ^_~ For your first paragraph, in the end you use "his oh so pretty face!" Either you need to put "-'s" there or you could use another word like "His beautiful face!" If you put in more description on the look of his face, the eyes, how his mouth curves in either a smile or a frown. Also. Everyone knows what a crescent moon looks like. You overcomplicate things when you say looked like a 'C'. For the magpie comment you don't need it in parenthesis and all together if this isn't a comedy you don't need the comment. Shine will catch about anyone's eye. "They were so different, over-powering, completely mesmerizing." You need to put an 'and' after the last comma. Or a "…" may be acceptable. "ACK!!!!!" Are you a writer or are you a writer? This should not be here. At all in any context other than in dialogue, and even then it simply takes away from what you want to say. You could have her think something along the lines of "oh no" or anything like that. Ack is not acceptable. :: "Girl", :: I believe this should be "Girl," the comma should come inside the quotations. "KAGOME!!!! Your about to be killed,
| Title: FFARG Review Ch 1
Reviewed By: Aquamarine [MediaMiner Member] On: May 28, 2005 16:59 CDT
Comment/Review:
Gyousei, There's a quality about your narration that's very refreshing. Though Kagome is rightfully upset, she has maintained a sense of cynical humor. I found it amusing (and slightly disgusting) what she would rather bathe in than marry Naraku. She doesn't really know how to run away properly, either, does she? That just makes her more realistic. After all, she's a princess, what would she know about going off on her own? I suggest you use italics when Kagome is thinking, so we have a clear understanding of what is happening in the narration and what is happening in her thoughts. I was confused about this sentence - "As soon as they discovered he had an extra winkie at birth..." (That is to say, I'm sure I know what you're talking about, but the vocabulary doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story.) Also - "Yuka, a Lady of the court and also my "friend" told me of that." I know you probably mean that Yuka isn't a true friend, but us readers haven't discovered that yet. Maybe you could add one more sentence explaining why Kagome would feel the need to think of her as a "friend" and not a friend. Oh, and just fyi- It's "philosophize," not "philosiphise." ~ Aquamarine
| Title: GREAT
Reviewed By: lozcollie_collie On: May 15, 2005 17:58 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
great job update soon please..please.....i beg u
| Reviewed By: w_j [MediaMiner Member] On: January 12, 2005 18:26 CST
Comment/Review:
I read this on AFF.net. I like it and I hope you update soon. Thanks!
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