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| "GRIFFEN" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: larotten On: October 30, 2001 07:29 CST
Comment/Review:
I like the action in this fiction. There's only a few things I would change. Folken is known as Strategos in the Zaibach empire. I adore Griffin. She's got pluck. Also, when you are writing in first person, which is the most difficult for me to do so I probably shouldn't talk, you need make it clear whose voice is speaking when you make switches. There was one part where both Dillandau and Griffin seemed to be speaking in first person and it became a little confusing for me. The first person takes the place of the third person narrator, so if you cleared up some things in this chapter, it would be top rate. I think you are off to a great start. When you refused to write more until you received a review, I completely related to your emotions. I was also just wondering how much of the series did you get to see. Celeina is a character that needs to be defined because of the that whole Celena/Dillandau transformation thing by the evil sorcerors. And that too could pose a problem with confusion. Keep writing. PLEASE!!! | Reviewed By: Duece of Spades On: November 07, 2001 21:50 CST
Comment/Review:
It's not bad! Don't critize your own work, there are enough jerks out there willing to do that for you. It could use some improvement, but it's not bad. Was the switch from third person POV (at the begining) to first person intentional? If it was, the transition could use some smoothing over. Furthermore, I'm a little confused in the timeline. Is this after the series, before the series, or during?
With Phoenix, I like her. Quite spunky, (just as a suggestion) Don't make her perfect. Have her screw up sometimes, make mistakes. If this character is perfect in all her planning, people may not like her as much. She'll seem less human. But that's just me. Feel free to disregard my review. And please continue. |
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