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| "Her Lady" Reviews/Comments [ 14 ] | Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: May 21, 2005 21:52 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Overall it is very good, mainly because I have a lot of inside information. You still have one or two grammer problems. However for the most part it is well written and has very nice character description. Keep up the good work.
| Reviewed By: Cliodhna Glen [MediaMiner Member] On: April 28, 2005 21:57 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
This has the makings of an interesting fantasy tale. For the most part, it flows well and reads well. Your biggest detractors are the extraneous words (already mentioned in previous reviews) and the slight tense shift - notice how the verbs in the first sentence go from ending in "ing" to ending in "ed" in the second sentence? Sometimes that flows fine, but other times (such as in your first paragraph) it can jolt the reader out of the scene. Some areas seem rushed and forced, like you were trying to force-feed as much information about characters as possible all at once. It will make the story richer in the long run if you let details spin out naturally - introduce characters when they appear on the scene and let the reader discover details as the characters in the story do. Certainly keep working on this - it has the potential for a very entertaining story inside it.
| Reviewed By: Yarrow [MediaMiner Member] On: April 21, 2005 19:28 CDT
Comment/Review:
'Something to do with Sapphos is afoot.' Subtle. Real subtle. :) So far, the story is pretty interesting and entertaining.
| Title: ffarg review--chapters I & II
Reviewed By: angelica incarnate [MediaMiner Member] On: March 18, 2005 13:41 CST
Comment/Review:
I'll start by saying I love the humor you've used in this piece; it's well placed and fun to read. Your POV shifts are very clean--it's clear to the reader who's thoughts they are hearing and you don't shift too often which makes it much easier to stay in the story. I like the plot so far and can't wait to see where you go with it. I think, as much as I like modernized fairy tales, that your slang is a little too modern for the world you are portraying. Your imagery is good, but sometimes the order of words is awkward or there are too many words describing one object or situation: it kind of gives the reader a bit of a sensory overload. Watch for the typos that pop up every so often. In the first chapter I specifically remember you having 'change' when you meant 'chance' and in the second chapter 'sweet' when you meant 'sweat.' Not a big deal, those can easily be caught by a beta reader or even by yourself if you set the writing aside for a night and then come back and read it again later. A good, humorous start and I shall look forward to checking back in on this piece in the future.
| Reviewed By: Neko Kurama [MediaMiner Member] On: March 14, 2005 17:21 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Great job on this story, you've made some big improvements on your writing since I first read your work. Keep it up.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: The Panasonic Princess [MediaMiner Member] On: March 13, 2005 15:17 CST
Comment/Review:
This made me smile, really. The writing is pretty decent, I found only a few typos and some parts that maybe could have been worded a little better. The plot is nice, maybe not the best. When I first began to read it, I thought 'Okay, another fairy-tale medieval princess story', but then I read on, and I have to say, you suprised me. That doesn't happen often. All I really had a problem with was the fact that the writing seems too modern for a king-and-queen, kindom-far-far-away kind of story. But, overall, it was really good, a nice read.
| Title: Chap. 2
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: March 12, 2005 06:20 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Before I begin, allow me to curse out the login that prevented me from being logged in. (Or at least making me think I'm not logged in.) Very nice, I can see the world being created, and there are several good referances. Once again though, I must note that there were a couple typos still. Otherwise it was a great chapter.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Flame Of Ice [MediaMiner Member] On: March 05, 2005 11:55 CST
Comment/Review:
I noticed you didn't introduce Kara's name until the third paragraph. The sentence in which it's introduced isn't very exciting, so I think it would be a better idea to shift it to the start of the second paragraph, so it doesn't seem like you're reluctant to tell us her name. You've also introduced the idea of Jark being old a little late, and I spent quite a bit of time imagining a tall, handsome man as the driver. ^_^;; Think about what details the reader would be better off knowing from the start, instead of keeping thing in unnecessary suspense or giving them an incomplete/incorrect picture. Although your story content is pretty strong, I think the biggest flaw in this chapter are the flashbacks. Now, flashbacks are very unwieldy things, since they break the reader's train of thought and sometimes they just act as an unwelcome interruption. Keep the flashbacks in straight past tense. Look at all the places you've written 'had' and you'll see the sentences sound just fine without it. The second flashback is fine, especially if you delete the 'And, somehow…' line and the had's. Tighten your structure and omit unnecessary words. (already commented on) Other than that, it was a thoroughly pleasing read. Good transitions, fast paced action, creative plotline. I love the ending. What a dashing young fellow the Knight must be! I look forward to reading the rest.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Flame Of Ice [MediaMiner Member] On: March 05, 2005 11:51 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
A very enjoyable first chapter, 13! The names really made me smile. There's a fair bit of tension too, which is always good. You've handled the action and descriptions pretty well; I especially liked that bit about "the sort of reckless bravery born of desperation and despair", although I'd scrap desperation, since its root is despair, and we can't have almost exactly the same descriptive words in the same sentence. Let's start with the careless mistakes, which can be fixed right away, and which a thorough beta could take care of. 'Kara poke(d) her head out of the cabin, and into the driver's seat' … this seems like she's boring her head into the seat, which sounds rather incongruous. 'light-coloured brunette' should be 'light-haired brunette' 'they may be some sort of brigand'. Brigand is singular, they is plural. I doubt that Jark wanted to "shut the pillow quickly"! 'the only change I may have' just doesn't sound as good as 'the only chance…' 'three times back', well, I don't know if you want to mean fast here, but back doesn't make much sense. 'au natural' is spelt 'au naturel' and you should have it in italics because it's not English. Also, the common meaning for that phrase is 'naked' so perhaps it would be better to replace it with an English word like 'inborn', 'innate'etc. 'the rider's hoofbeats'. The rider will not have hooves. 'slighting hint of amusement' slighting is a negative word and I'm sure you mean 'slightest'. (continued...)
| Title: FFARG II
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: March 05, 2005 10:46 CST
Comment/Review:
A couple typos, no more than any other author has, though one or two do change the meaning of the sentence (like one missing 's' that turns your protagonist male). The main 'problem' I see, it you can call it that, is extra words that don't really have to be there. Like when you refer to 'the sole driver,' the 'sole' isn't really necessary. Towards the end, the sentences start to feel kinda awkward and the [end?] thing really doesn't belong there. Overall, this is an interesting story that has great potential. I can't say much more until there is more of it. The place names seem familiar, though; perhaps the ruined castle of Eblan will play some part soon?
| Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: flowers [MediaMiner Member] On: March 05, 2005 10:22 CST
Comment/Review:
Well, this starts off as a very interesting read. Apart from a few typos pretty easy to understand. I noticed you used the term "crush on", maybe you would consider changing that to "having a crush on", I don't think that modern terms fit well with the whole victorian portrait you're painting, I've noticed a few other modernized terms as well that throws off the imagery, you may consider changing those. I also think you're cramming a lot of info about random characters into the first chapter, it will be hard for a reader to remember so many if the characters have signifigance later on. If the random characters don't have a role to play in the story, I would at least space out mentioning so many all together, it's overwhelming a bit. You've also deposited a few quotations in odd places. Easily taken care of with some beta-ing though. It's very enjoyable altogether, keep up the good work!
| Reviewed By: Sisi On: January 30, 2005 19:38 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
sounds of the horses' hoofs were the only sounds. This is repetitive dear, 'the clopping of the horses' hooves* is a bit better. (Hoof is singular, Hooves is plural) Jark? … ^_______^ Is that who I think it is? My Lady Kara, have it au natural. (Au natural? What is that?) Lord Dumas. *Laughs* I love it! Princess Witch. Hehehehe Over all my dear, there's very little I would change. There's very little I *could* change! Oh, and… Do I have a counterpart? *Wiggles*
| Title: Amazin'
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: January 29, 2005 14:53 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Ya did great. No less than I expected from you. I did however, notice one or two typos. So I suggest you go back through and clear those out. Other than that, I can't waiit fer the next chapter.
| Title: Niice!
Reviewed By: SlplessWitch On: January 27, 2005 20:07 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Oh I love it 13! Still creepy I'm Abbeh's sister... -shudders- Anyways, rocking awesome! Least you know how to spell and make decent sized chapters unlike many, many people. You and your Lords and Ladys! Though I can't disagree that their not fun to read about. Like I said before, great job, keep it up!
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