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| "The Love Triangle" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Title: FFARG Review of chpater 4 (Part 2)
Reviewed By: Tinkerbell Jepardy [MediaMiner Member] On: July 07, 2005 13:08 CDT
Comment/Review:
The very last bit of dialogue though just doesn't work for those that have an understanding of the Gundam Wing universe. '"Relena, wo ai ni."' Wo ai ni is Chinese, not Japanese. I can understand you wanting to use Heero's native language when he tells Relena something like that, but he is Japanese. So having him tell her 'Wo ai ni' doesn't make much sense to those who know much about the series.
| Title: FFARG Review of Chapter 4 (Part 1)
Reviewed By: Tinkerbell Jepardy [MediaMiner Member] On: July 07, 2005 13:08 CDT
Comment/Review:
I have reviewed chapter four of your fic 'The Love Triangle' as you requested. You have a good grasp on the characters and the emotions that they are going through. You also provide enough detail of what and how they are doing to be able to transport a readers mind to that same beach. The song 'The River' was a surprise, as its lyrics didn't really have any match to the story that you were writing, but you instead used it more as a way to show off the emotions of the story. That was a great way to combine the lyrics to your story, bringing about the hidden undercurrents in your own dialogue. While you do have great detail in the describing the world around Heero and Relena, you don't have hardly any detail in to what they are feeling and thinking. While their actions do expose some of it, there are times when they feel to blank. It would help out if you went further in to what they thought and felt as they went about their activities. It would provide a greater idea of what their goals are, and give an insight as to where your story is heading overall. Also once in a while your dialogue gets a little confusing, like for instance: 'Well hey you have to go somewhere tomorrow so I figured that you and me would have a happy day together you and me.' That is more of a proof reading problem then anything else though, a handy reminder to double check your fics before posting them.
| Title: Hello Fellow Duo Basher
Reviewed By: Nishii [MediaMiner Member] On: June 22, 2005 12:02 CDT
Rating(s):Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Comment/Review:
I can't wait to see where you go with this. It is too bad that more people haven't reviewed this fic. I really like it. And don't worry, Duo isn't too OC his character was created to be abused and bashed. Well at least that is what I always do with him. . You are working the songs in very well, but I would love to see longer chapters. Keep writing. Nishi
| Reviewed By: peachy On: May 23, 2005 11:38 CDT
Comment/Review:
juicilicious! ^^ This is like exactly what's happeneing in my soap at the mo. if i cant have you then she cant have you ever and you cant ever be happy without me so im gonna kill you scenario. sweet. you should patent that story line in america. i havent seen it done before this. you may make a few bucks.
| Reviewed By: spoony [MediaMiner Member] On: May 09, 2005 02:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
YAY! I get to be the first one to review. I am veeeeery flattered that one of my pics inspired a part of your ficcy ^____^ it's a bit weard cause I'm usually the one to be inspired to draw by fics =D. I like where you're going with this, but then again you can never go wrong with 1xR in my opinion ^_~. And YAAAAAAY for beach fun, LOL! The only suggestion I can make is maybe get a Beta reader, if you don't have one already, or reread the fics and shorten some of the sentences. Some of them are a bit to long and run in to one another and make it a bit difficult to transition from one thought to another. Your spelling is really good, although in a few places it felt like you forgot to type in a word or typed in the wrong one, LOL! I do that all the time myself, especially when I start thinking faster than I can type. I can't wait to see where this fic goes ^________^
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