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| "Vendetta Theory" Reviews/Comments [ 9 ] | Title: FFARG Review (Chapter 6)
Reviewed By: Yuugi-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: January 17, 2006 18:50 CST
Comment/Review:
First off this fanfiction piece has a well thought-out storyline to it (mostly because I can relate to some of the things) and the light and playful humor gives it a nice touch. However, there are some glaring errors (or at least to my eyes) that I want to point out to you. First of all, you seem to forget to start a new paragraph when you have character dialogue. You also have some punctuation issues, including the incorrect usage of periods at the end of phrases of dialogue, and capitalization issues after that. Last, but not least, you have minor typos, usually consisting of missing words. I suggest getting a good beta-reader. A list of them can be found in the beta-reader forum. Thank you for submitting to the FFARG!
| Title: FFRG review ch7 cont
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 29, 2005 16:28 CDT
Comment/Review:
. I like your description of this 'Hel' place, (Though I'm not sure why you don't add the second 'L' on.) I like your guide too, he, or it, is a humorous character, and as I'm reviewing this as I read it, I hope that it shows up more in this chapter. There's a part around half and a bit ways through where you start using 'It' seemingly eight times in each paragraph. That there is very cacophonous and harsh sounding, that is to say, not very nice. "The man flashed him a toothy grin, "Nope!" The lever was pulled, and Marcus' organs were left behind him." That is so funny I had tears running down my face. It was *very* well done. Overall, you've got some excellent grammar, and a good chapter going. I assume this is one of those chapters where the author; you, didn't feel that you needed to explain much because it was more of an intermission between points in the plot. But you have so much to work with in here that you could explain so much more fully, such as why Marcus died and who killed him, the imagery here you can describe greatly. Good work and keep writing, thank you for submitting to the FFRG.
| Title: FFRG review ch7
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 29, 2005 16:28 CDT
Comment/Review:
Good afternoon, and thank you for submitting to the FFRG. I know this is chapter seven, but there are often two ways to enter into a chapter, the first (usually if you are posting a chapter right after posting a chapter,) is a little less place and person descriptive and a person doesn't need to look back, because they just finished the chapter before it anywhere from a minute, to a day ago. The other is descriptive of place, person and situation. Normally I like to see the latter used in chapter use. That way no one is confused or unsure of what's going on in your story, which is something you definitely don't want. When speaking of bullets, they do not usually slam, or behave in the manner of a bull. Bullets are small; they pierce and sting. When venturing, one does not venture 'at' something, one ventures to or can venture a look at something; but generally only like that. I think you introduced Marcus' name too late in the story to have it as anything significant. Unless you explain why you, or your character does not state their name, it's pretty much pointless to not go over who he is or his name.
| Title: FFRG review (chapter 3)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: July 18, 2005 23:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to the FFRG. I didn't read the previous two chapters, so I really have no clue what's going on, but it does sound exciting! Great work on plot and suspense, and I really liked many of your descriptions. However (and you probably did this in an earlier chapter), "the boy" probably needs a name and a bit more of a description. I had a little 7 or 8 year old pictured in my mind with simply "the boy", at least until he picked up the gun and swore... As this is an original, you may want to remind your readers every so often what your characters look like with subtle little hints. Of course, that's just a suggestion (and I probably should read the previous chapters for that). I also had a little trouble trying to get a handle on his character, but since I have not read any other chapters, I'll just remind you to bring his personality out a bit more if you haven't already. Another thing I noticed was that your grammar needs polishing. I saw a lot of misused and missing punctuation marks (but nothing grotesquely obvious), and all of these mistakes can be fixed with the help of a good beta reader. Otherwise, this reads rather nicely, and it does make me curious as to what's going on. Keep writing, and good luck with all future (and current) writing projects. Thanks again for submitting your story to the FFRG.
| Title: FFARG ch5 cont
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: June 18, 2005 17:28 CDT
Comment/Review:
. "King of the God's" If he is the king of the gods you should make that "The king of the Gods'" You don't need an s after an s in possessive terms. This is interesting and I like it. Keep it up. *Thumbs up* (Curse 36 characters that kept me from adding in this paragrpah with the main bit)
| Title: FFARG ch5
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: June 18, 2005 17:26 CDT
Comment/Review:
"Hellish fire and smoke left deep impression, Naught for sins past, but one transgression." In this part there needs to be another word to even out the beat in the "Naught for sins past but one transgression" The order cannot be 'mimicked' but it can be carried out. And you have some wicked cool creatures here but one thing that goes with creating or using little known creatures you have to describe them deeply because unless you draw in pictures you need to paint with words and perhaps a touch on why they're there again so that readers don't have to strain themselves to remember what went on in a previous chapter. I love the Giants description but you could state why their skin is like armour (I'm assuming that's because it's thick). "The newly christened warlord pondered how he had turned from the trouble-making demi-god of mischief to the crazed vengeful entity he had metamorphoses." This sentence is really awkward and you answer the call of diction very well, indeed you step over and above what normal people can read because I can only assume that metamorphoses means to become or change into something, and I have a rather large vocabulary. You should go through and make sure everything that should be capitalized is capitalized. You could touch in on why G was chosen to mark those who've offended the gods.
| Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: devildice708 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 13, 2005 17:15 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting this to FFARG. This story is interesting to say the least. It actually reminds me of Max Payne or Dead to Rights, two of my favorite games, which attracted me to this fic. The problem, though, is that the heavy description you put into everything that is happening--no offense--made it kind of tedious to read, and made me scroll down some. Example: Ninth paragraph, I couldn't paste it on here because it was so long, which is mainly the problem. You don't need to write so much description. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us, but eighty percent of the time, it'll force a reader to just click away and read something else. You could try describing it one paragraph at a time, or cutting out some parts. 'He then spun the gun so the handle rested tight in his palm. The boy whipped him across the chin with the handle of the weapon. This temporarily stunned the man. He staggered around groaning, holding his chin.' This could have been skimmed down to two sentences, and some of the information I didn't really want to know. As far as puncuation(did i spell that right?) and grammar goes, I saw some places where commans should of went or where quotations could have gone. Overall, this is a good story. Just shave off some of the descriptions and find a good beta to revise it.
| Reviewed By: DarkKrystalFairy [MediaMiner Member] On: April 09, 2005 12:11 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
I liked this, I really did. It's so very original...not like much I've seen on here. Good job on that =D And...in reference to my story...It really isn't going to be like how you think it is O_o I'm a slow updater...but if you continue reading, I'm sure you won't be disappointed ^_^;;
| Reviewed By: Naomitinuveil [MediaMiner Member] On: April 07, 2005 09:06 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
wow . . . awesome. I absolutely *love* your style of writing. The storyline is superb (and it really wasn't all that slow to start off with) As a fellow writer I must say I do admire your work. Keep up the wonderful work and I hope you update soon ^_~ -Naomitinuveil
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