Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: April 16, 2005 16:20 CDT
Comment/Review:
I would suggest you read up on punctuation again. You have a good number of mistakes, especially with commas. For example, the comma after dialogue goes before the end quotation, not after. You also do not need a comma if you have another punctuation mark in place. Might I also suggest that you not insert Author's Notes into the middle of the story? It is distracting and pulls readers out of the fiction. You have several nice descriptions, so that's good. One of the things that bothers me most is the lyrics inserted in the middle of the story every couple paragraphs. It's just my opinion, but that is distracting as well. Another thing I see that I don't find appealing is the use of Japanese. For example, Kagome speaks English almost the whole time, but she uses "gomen" (which I do not know the meaning of). You should stick to one language if the character would only speak one language. In this case, all Japanese would be translated to English since she is really a Japanese speaker. Also, avoid using numbers unless it's and address, year, or something similar. Use "three" for 3, "twenty-seven" for 27, etc. And lastly, though it's not terribly important, it would be "P.P.S"... Post Post Scriptum (after the Post Scriptum, which is what P.S stands for). Thank you for submitting to FFARG. Have a lovely day. :)
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