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| "Forgotten Love" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: InusDemoness (not signed in) On: July 01, 2006 13:15 CDT
Comment/Review:
Please don't think I'm just picking on you or anything. I just found both of your stories and decided to read them. I leave my honest opinions on stories because if no one pointed out what's wrong we authors would never get better. This story was confusing because there were no page breaks to tell the reader when the scene was changing. One minute Naraku was talking Kagome and then the scene changed to Inuyasha looking for her. Since there was nothing there to separate the two scenes I thought Inuyasha was in Naraku's castle, it's very confusing. You should put something to separate scenes so that it's less confusing. You could simply space down a couple of time and put a good bit of room between the two scene or some authors put lines between them with little designs you can make of letters and other symbols on your keyboard. Like just repeating something like this: %%%%%%%%%% could be used as a line to separate scenes. Also It's hard to tell who is talking some of the time. Most times you put something at the end of what they say that helps to tell who's talking but other times you'll leave it off and there's no way to tell. Also Kagome's personality is a little off. Kagome is a brave girl but she doesn't understand her powers. She's never been trained as a priestess the only thing she able to do is shoot her purifying arrows. She doesn't have those with her so her saying that she's so powerful and that she could kill Naraku if she wanted isn't right. Plus she would be scared. He was able to steal her from under Inuyasha's nose, she's in his castle with no way out. She would be scared. Plus she has Rin to worry about and no idea what Naraku will do to her. Not to mention Naraku's castle are usually full miasma that kills all the humans in there so he could kill her very easily. Kagome is smart, she knows how powerful Naraku is because he has an almost complete Shikon Jewel, she would be scared. So the way you portray her is a little wrong. And you're using the Archaic speech again and Kagome doesn't talk like that. I have to say that Sesshoumaru and Jaken are off too. Sesshoumaru just ignores Jaken when he babbles or glares at him which scares Jaken enough. Also even though Rin gets on his nerves Jaken has grown attached to her also and he is extremely loyal to Sesshoumaru. So Naraku kidnapping Rin wouldn't make him happy, he would see it as an insult to his lord and be angry. Your sentences need work also, you put periods where commas should be. And rule of writing is that if the number is below one hundred then you should write it out not just put the number. It will honestly make your writing look better. Also Kikyou's hair has never been in a bun, it's either down or in a pony tail. And I don't think Sango and Miroku would just stand there and let Kikyou take Inuyasha against his will. I also doubt she would kill them. You should get a good beta reader or an editor to help you out. Also you should do a little more research on the personalities of these characters. It might even help to read some really good stories to help you understanding writing better. I know your writing would improve if you tried these things. If you want some more advice or links to stories that I think would help you. Then just do a search with my username and find my e-mail address and e-mail me, I'll be glad to help. But don't give up on your writing.
| Reviewed By: Rassberry Lemonade On: April 24, 2005 09:15 CDT
Comment/Review:
I like your story so far! And im surprised that you haven't gotten any reviews yet keep up the good work!
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