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| "Human puppet" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG review (ee, forgot something)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: May 11, 2005 23:03 CDT
Comment/Review:
Ack, I totally forgot to add something I didn't notice until after I submitted that first review - the chapter title should be "My Life", not "My live"... another grammatical nit-picky thing, but I hope it helps. ^^; Thanks again for submitting this to the FFARG.
| Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: May 11, 2005 22:53 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to FFARG. ^^ Overall, I thought this was a very sweet story. I'm personally not a Rin/Sesshoumaru fan, but you've done a very nice job with the pairing. You have a decent grasp of imagery, which is quite impressive considering English is your second language. However, there were a few spelling errors, quite a number of grammatical mistakes, and some awkward sentences. (For example, you wrote "I had grown a woman" when I think you meant something more like "I had become a grown woman", and you referred to Sesshoumaru's fluff as his "tale" [which, in that spelling, means a story] when it should be "tail" [as in the appendage].) I'm guessing most of these have to do with the fact that English isn't your first language. These could very easily be fixed with a good beta reader - I would recommend checking out the "Beta/Pre-Readers and Writing Help" thread at the MMorg forums. I think you have a great base to start with here, and with some polishing, this could be a very decent piece of writing. Keep writing, and best of luck with all your future stories. ^^
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