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| "Forgotten Past of a Dreamer" Reviews/Comments [ 8 ] | Reviewed By: hackie On: March 01, 2002 18:19 CST
Rating(s):Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I only rate what I pay attention to :)
Where is the rest... ha? You lazy slow writer you... work work!!!! | Reviewed By: Troy Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: December 14, 2001 18:51 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hi,
My name is Troy Thomas, but you already knew that. ^_^
The comments I am about to make are strictly my opinion. Take what you like, and ignore the rest.
***
>Yes, this was their meadow. She and her friends had always hung out here even when they were kids. It wasn’t very big, and there were a few small trees scattered around it, but it was a place they could call their own. And they loved this place, even though they were sophomores in high school.
The last sentence can be cut. You've already, in the lines preceeding it, described the love the group has for the place.
>Ariel felt something wet on her soft, pale skin, causing her to wake up. It was Cherry, her chocolate lab. Cherry often accompanied her and her friends into the meadow. There were after all, dangerous animals living here - here being northern Wisconsin. There were wolves and even a few bears in this reserve, but Cherry was a great watchdog and protector, so no one was ever worried. She was getting old, however, and if she got in a fight, she’d probably be useless. But that didn’t matter; she was still a good companion.
lab should be labador. Avoid using initials where ever possible, because it looks a little sloppy.
Also, how dangerous are wolves? My impression is they are very shy of humans, and avoid us whenever possible. I understand they're hunters of livestock, but do they ever attack humans?
>Ariel sat up and looked at Cherry, who was sitting next to her and wagging her tail with a goofy grin on her face. “I see you want petted!” Ariel smiled. “Oh, okay.” She stroked her dog lovingly for a few minutes then stopped to look at her watch. “They are fifteen minutes late!”
Cut and from the first sentence, so it'll flow a little quicker and smoother:
Ariel sat up and looked at Cherry, who was sitting next to her wagging her tail with a goofy grin on her face.
>“I see you want petted!”
You forgot, to be
>“They are fifteen minutes late!”
This is only a matter of opinion, but most people use contractions: they are -> they're. Is a character trait of Ariel to always speak properly?
>She had loved Blaine ever since they were kids, but was always too afraid to say anything. So here she was fifteen years old and still afraid to tell him the truth.
This is a case of showing versus telling. My suggestion is to cut this out, and instead show Ariel's love for Blaine through actions throughout the chapter: Ariel suppressed a blush when seeing Blaine, Her heart skipped a beat, ex cetera.
Actually, after reading through the chapter, I feel you've done a fine job of showing Ariel's love.
>six-teen
sixteen
SoW:
Your story is written in a Terry Pratchett style, except without the off-the-wall humour, I notice.
Usually, this style is hit or miss. You've hit bull's eye! ^_^ Even better, I've never seen this style used outside of humour, which is incredible.
Is the Holy Angel quietly narrorating the story?
S&G:
Nothing too distracting, but there were a few nitpicks, which I hopefully pointed out. I hope they're useful. ^_^
O/C:
A wonderful imaginative world.
EF&OR:
What a quaint feeling you've mixed into the story. Of course, I know this won't last.
Anyway, this is good. I look forward to the next chapter.
Troy Thomas, Cheese Master ^_^ | Reviewed By: Troy Thomas [MediaMiner Member] On: December 13, 2001 18:10 CST
Comment/Review:
Well, this is good. This is very, very good.
My greatest strength in c&cing is grammar and spelling. I can spot a confusing and incorrect phrase or paragraph from a mile away.
I found only
some-how, which should be somehow
I especially the descriptions. Here's my favorite passage:
“No! I will not be taken down like this.” The boy raised his hands and the missiles turned back and struck the plane, causing it to explode. All three were thrown off their feet and fell to the ground. The boy was already unconscious from using so much power, but the girl and the man weren’t.
It's like seeing the image in my mind.
A great read. I'll try to get to the next part tommorow with some comments.
Troy Thomas, a toe tapping fiend when them Led Zepplins is on, by gosh! ^_^ | Reviewed By: zosocrowe [MediaMiner Member] On: December 04, 2001 11:02 CST
Comment/Review:
Okay, so where's the rest? ;-) This is a great story and it flows really well. I had no problem following th prolog, though I have to agree with the others that the word Holy Angel was used alot, but it didn't really take away from the chapter too much. I look forward to reading the rest of this story! | Reviewed By: Umi-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: November 27, 2001 17:10 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Okay, I'm torn. I liked the idea, but am utterly confused! This Prologue will obviously be explained when you get to the meat and potatoes of the fic, so this may be premature. As someone said, you use "Holy Angel" a lot. It may be for some special "author-y" reason, so I won't nitpick. I just have two sort of rhetorical questions, which I'll be looking for answers when I read more:
Will we meet the Holy Angel?
I'm really confused on the Nomacian thing. Are they just an oppresed species? Like the Jews or something? Not to call Jews a sepereate species, but just an example.
Who is this girl and will she ever remember what happened?
And...most important of all: When can we expect Chapter 1? | Reviewed By: Golden Shadow [MediaMiner Member] On: November 27, 2001 16:10 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
This story is intriguing. I really want to see where you take this. The Holy Angel's thoughts were a little... confusing, but I suppose one can't blame her for having so much on her mind! Give us a little more description in the scenes. It might--spice it up a little! For instance, when the girl is crying, you might describe tears running down her cheeks, or something of the like. It's just a suggestion. ^^ A very nice prologue here. It sets the mood nicely, and has an immense amount of creativity and thought. The pilot's indecisiveness was a nice effect, by the way. I am interested in the shape-shifting characteristics. I AM interested in this story. It sounds like it could be turned into an anime! LOL! Keep it up! I want some more of this story!
GS-over and out! Peace!! ^^ | Reviewed By: Sasha L. On: November 26, 2001 23:13 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Over all, I liked the Prologue. I'll come back when you have some more.
Style:
I liked the way you wrote the prologue in first person. Though, you used "Holy Angel" a lot.
Grammar:
I only caught a few mistakes. They were small though - no biggies.
Originality:
From your summary, you have quite some imaginative plot ahead of you.
Enjoyment:
I loved how you had the reader go inside a memory. It was cute.
Overall:
I gave you a ten, hoping something good will come out of this. I'll be back, though to read more and review. | Reviewed By: Miyu [MediaMiner Member] On: November 26, 2001 20:30 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
very cool.....next chptr betta come out soon! lol |
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