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| "Gentle Dawn" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG review part II
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: May 12, 2005 18:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
(Continued from previous review) Overall, I think you have a great base, and with some guidance from a decent beta reader, you'll have a decent piece of work. My main suggestion would be to avoid over-describing the scenes (or just "de-clunkify" your current descriptions), cut back on the imagery a bit so it's not quite so overwhelming, and cut out the ellipses a bit. (Hehe, ellipses are my BANE. XD) If you would like help in finding a beta reader, look up the "Beta/Pre-Readers and Writing Help" thread at the MMorg forums. At any rate, keep writing! You've definitely got great potential, so don't let a bit of critique get you. ^^ Thanks again for submitting to the FFARG, and best of luck with all your future writing endeavors.
| Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: May 12, 2005 18:41 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to the FFARG. First off, I'd like to let you know that I have zero knowledge of the Suikoden series, and thus my assessment of characterization and accuracy (canon-wise) will essentially be nonexistent. Okay, on to the critique. You have a great grasp on spelling, but your grammar (in terms of symbol usage) could use quite a bit of tightening. The first half of your story had an excess of misused ellipses (which, by the way, should only be "..." instead of "....") - some of these should be replaced by ";", "-", or "," where applicable. I can tell you're working hard to paint a picture in the reader's mind with your descriptions, and although you have an excellent base to work off of, some of the descriptions were too verbose, somewhat repetitive, and often "clunky" (as in too many words in the sentence, making it sound awkward). Streamlining your sentences would help some, as would working with different syntax patterns. At times, I felt like you were trying too hard to paint the picture, when in actuality a more concise and compact description would have been far more effective. A really good beta reader would be priceless for all the issues I mentioned. As for characters, I was a little lost since you introduced so many of them; of course, my problem tracking them could very well be a result of my lack of knowledge with the series. I had trouble picturing them in my mind. (Continued briefly in next review - I ran out of space! ^^;)
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