Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 27, 2005 14:39 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting this story to FFARG. It's a solid piece, a good ghost story. The plot (once I figured it out) is very well put together and quite compelling. However, you do occasionally use words incorrectly, as in the third paragraph: "Foolish, what right do you have to question my ideals?" The word ideals typically refers to some mental model of perfection. Or perhaps one's highest values, such as honesty, etc. In this case, it just doesn't fit. Also, you should start a new paragraph when changing speakers in dialogue. Smashing an entire conversation into one paragraph is very confusing. Overall, the it took me a couple readings to piece together how the different pieces of the plot fit together and I'm still not entirely certain of the chronology. Having simultaneous action in separate places (as I assume the fire and Lady Ria's conversation with the old man are) works very well in visual media such as television or comics, but it is just too confusing in prose.
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