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| "Hating Fate" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: May 09, 2005 17:50 CDT
Comment/Review:
Immediately, I must tell you to reformat the story so the the paragraphs have a blank line between them. Without tabs, that is the only way to denote a new paragraph. I've noticed the use of commas outside quotation marks; this is incorrect as punctuation goes inside the quotes in most cases. You also need to start using entirely new paragraphs for dialogue. You do have some solid descriptions, but there are some things that we don't need to know, such as the color of the pipe. Too, and this is really a pet peeve of mine, you use numerals for numbers. It should not be "15 minutes," it should be "fifteen minutes." Time, though not wholly incorrect as numbers, should be written out, too. "Quarter past one o'clock" or something like that. Another peeve is the use of contractions in the narration. This is a bad habit of many authors. Use the full "do not," "cannot," etc. The dialogue, though fitting the situation (especially when they're talking about smoking) could be written better, in my opinion. Indeed, it does fit the scene, but I feel as though it is too fake at times. Now, on to the better parts. The character interaction is fairly good, I must say, and some descriptions, as previously mentioned, are well-written. I would seriously suggest you go through and reformat the chapter, though. This looks a little too close to block format, which is bad. Thank you for submitting to FFARG. :-)
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: xfiledino [MediaMiner Member] On: May 04, 2005 00:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
Good start. There were a few spelling mistakes, but it didn't take away from the story line. Is there a reason why most of it is in italics? At first I thought it might be an accident, but after reading the entire thing I only have one question, was it all a dream? I can say that I learned a few new words, of course I have never smoked pot before, so that language is fairly new to me. I am curious to know what happened to Jesse to make her so fearful of guys. I mean, I can guess as to what happened, but then again, my imagination has a tendency to run away with me. You have captured my interest with this story, and I do wish to see more. Overall I think you have a very good idea here, and think you should continue with it. Thanks for submitting your story to the FFFARG!!!
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