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| "The Destruction of Destruction Itself" Reviews/Comments [ 8 ] | Reviewed By: Sekiseishi On: October 26, 2004 12:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
Dude, clue. Summary: a condensed statement, not a place for your rantings and ravings on being unstable Frankly, people don't care. We want to know what the story is about, not your mental health. Otherwise, I would have read it. The more you say you don't like flames, the more people will send them to you to piss you off. Duh.
| Reviewed By: El Chupacabras [MediaMiner Member] On: September 01, 2002 15:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
The story was not bad.
It was rather hard to read, though. Not because of the content, but rather because of the writing style. You put too much (sometimes even unneccessary) information in one sentence. For example:
"She's not bad. More lively than the last few." The broad-shouldered,
blonde angel who had shoved her spoke, a sardonic smile on his thin
lips.
"She's not bad. ..." {= this is the sentence the angel speaks, but before the reader gets to know that he said it you inform him, that this angel is a broad-shouldered, blonde angel and that he is the one who had shoved her back. After that you don't end the sentence, but state that he's smiling sardonically.
That's far too much for just one sentence. Furthermore, don't describe too much when actually somebody is doing something. The reader get's confused about the topic of the sentence. Make a new sentence - they're for free ^_~
I'd put it like that:
The blonde angel who had shoved her look down on her. A sarrdonical smile formed on his thin lips. "She's not bad. More lively than the last few."
With all the discribtion in front of the "She's not bad. ..." the reader already knows how the spoken words are meant and he doesn't have to add the undertone later after he already knows the sentence.
In other words: First things first: to write everything down in a different order than it happens might look fancy, but is much harder to read, and you don't want your reader to give up after the first few paragraphs, ne? ^_~
Another example:
Teasingly, his
fingers trailed along the outermost edges,...
The first piece information the reader gets in this is "teasingly", in ohter words the mind has to keep the teasingly in order to get the sentence right and it's harder to read. Try it yourself: if you read "His fingers trailed along the outmost edges teasingly" isn't that a lot easier to read than "Teasingly, his fingers trailed along the outmost edges"?
On the other hand there re some sentence structures in this, that are really good.
Before he'd spent himself, however, the utterly disturbing sound of a
blade meeting flesh reached her ears. Looking up, she noticed an
expression of shock on Blondie's face.
This is first class tension building via sentence structure and what information is given. We're in a process in which the reader expects "After some time he came" or something like that. "Before he'd spent himself, however" - what? {= that's what the reader asks himself. But the question is not simply answered, you just imply that something with a blade must've happened that wasn't supposed to happen. "Looking up, she noticed" - what did she notice, what happened?{= again reader wants to know what happened, but you're not telling, you're again implying.
That was done very good. Try to get a flow like that throughout your entire stories, it's much easier to read that way and it builds up tension.
Enough dry theory about sentences... let's get down to business, in other words: let's take a look at the content:
To sum the story up: A more detailed and changed version of the scene, in which Alec rescues Kurai.
The idea, that Kurai actually gets raped and is not saved short before that happens, is not the most spectacular idea ever, but not really boring, ether ^_~
It might have been more interesting, if you would have had the blowjob before the actual penetration, because that way the more "harmless" thing would have been first (NOTE: I AM NOT SAYING THAT BEEING FORCED TO GIVE HEAD IS HARMLESS, it's just more harmless than actually beeing penetrated um... you know where). In that version you could have added a psycological development inside Kurai. She'd first think, that it might be the worst thing ever happened to her, but goes along (without biting) because she thinks that they won't take her virginity as long as she cooparates. After that has been done there would be a new shock to her when she finds out they'll take her anyway.
The creation of a character that's helping Alexiel is an interesting idea. Alec is normally the person that works alone. But I like the idea anyway. Especially the way how you described Nanniele before we get to know that she's with Alec.
A detail you might want to change: Which angel is actually helping Kurai in this? 'The Inorganic Angel' (that'd be Rosiel... um ... what's Rosiel dont there?! O.o) or Alexiel (Organic Angel) ? ^_~
On the whole I'd like to say: Take your time, don't hurry, don't put to much information in one sentence. Try to describe the atmosphere and how things are said and how somebody feels by describing what can be seen. (Not "Kurai flushed with embarrassment" maybe something like "Kurai flushed and averted her eyes from her body's obvious reaction to his moves.") .
There's not much "story" in this story. It's just more detailed and slightly changed describtion of something that happens in the OVAs and the Manga.
Speaking about the Manga: If you liked the OVAs (there are only three, sorry), you'll absolutely love the mangas :)
And (since I've written so much already and hardly anybody will read till here anyway) about Rosiel and Katan:
I don't think Rosiel is too obsessed with Alec, but with himself... he has very strong hate/love feelings for Alexiel, but the hate/love (more hate than love I'd say) he feels for himself is stronger.
And if you read the manga, you'll realize that sometimes Rosiel actually knows how much Katan means to him.... these occasions are just a little rare... ^_~
You have potential (I guess, otherwise I wouldn't have writen such a long review). Maybe next time you might want to write a story with some sort of plot and with a little less complcated sentence structure, I'd really like to read that ^_^ | Reviewed By: El Chupacabras [MediaMiner Member] On: September 01, 2002 15:49 CDT
Comment/Review:
My comment again without being cut of (sorry for the inconvenience *bows* gomen ne) *hopes mediaminer will get the job done this time - PLEASE!!!* :
The story was not bad.
It was rather hard to read, though. Not because of the content, but rather because of the writing style. You put too much (sometimes even unneccessary) information in one sentence. For example:
"She's not bad. More lively than the last few." The broad-shouldered,
blonde angel who had shoved her spoke, a sardonic smile on his thin
lips.
"She's not bad. ..." Teasingly, his
fingers trailed along the outermost edges,...
The first piece information the reader gets in this is "teasingly", in ohter words the mind has to keep the teasingly in order to get the sentence right and it's harder to read. Try it yourself: if you read "His fingers trailed along the outmost edges teasingly" isn't that a lot easier to read than "Teasingly, his fingers trailed along the outmost edges"?
On the other hand there re some sentence structures in this, that are really good.
Before he'd spent himself, however, the utterly disturbing sound of a
blade meeting flesh reached her ears. Looking up, she noticed an
expression of shock on Blondie's face.
This is first class tension building via sentence structure and what information is given. We're in a process in which the reader expects "After some time he came" or something like that. "Before he'd spent himself, however" - what? {= that's what the reader asks himself. But the question is not simply answered, you just imply that something with a blade must've happened that wasn't supposed to happen. "Looking up, she noticed" - what did she notice, what happened?{= again reader wants to know what happened, but you're not telling, you're again implying.
That was done very good. Try to get a flow like that throughout your entire stories, it's much easier to read that way and it builds up tension.
Enough dry theory about sentences... let's get down to business, in other words: let's take a look at the content:
To sum the story up: A more detailed and changed version of the scene, in which Alec rescues Kurai.
The idea, that Kurai actually gets raped and is not saved short before that happens, is not the most spectacular idea ever, but not really boring, ether ^_~
It might have been more interesting, if you would have had the blowjob before the actual penetration, because that way the more "harmless" thing would have been first (NOTE: I AM NOT SAYING THAT BEEING FORCED TO GIVE HEAD IS HARMLESS, it's just more harmless than actually beeing penetrated um... you know where). In that version you could have added a psycological development inside Kurai. She'd first think, that it might be the worst thing ever happened to her, but goes along (without biting) because she thinks that they won't take her virginity as long as she cooparates. After that has been done there would be a new shock to her when she finds out they'll take her anyway.
The creation of a character that's helping Alexiel is an interesting idea. Alec is normally the person that works alone. But I like the idea anyway. Especially the way how you described Nanniele before we get to know that she's with Alec.
A detail you might want to change: Which angel is actually helping Kurai in this? 'The Inorganic Angel' (that'd be Rosiel... um ... what's Rosiel dont there?! O.o) or Alexiel (Organic Angel) ? ^_~
On the whole I'd like to say: Take your time, don't hurry, don't put to much information in one sentence. Try to describe the atmosphere and how things are said and how somebody feels by describing what can be seen. (Not "Kurai flushed with embarrassment" maybe something like "Kurai flushed and averted her eyes from her body's obvious reaction to his moves.") .
There's not much "story" in this story. It's just more detailed and slightly changed describtion of something that happens in the OVAs and the Manga.
Speaking about the Manga: If you liked the OVAs (there are only three, sorry), you'll absolutely love the mangas :)
And (since I've written so much already and hardly anybody will read till here anyway) about Rosiel and Katan:
I don't think Rosiel is too obsessed with Alec, but with himself... he has very strong hate/love feelings for Alexiel, but the hate/love (more hate than love I'd say) he feels for himself is stronger.
And if you read the manga, you'll realize that sometimes Rosiel actually knows how much Katan means to him.... these occasions are just a little rare... ^_~
You have potential (I guess, otherwise I wouldn't have writen such a long review). Maybe next time you might want to write a story with some sort of plot and with a little less complcated sentence structure, I'd really like to read that ^_^ | Reviewed By: El Chupacabras [MediaMiner Member] On: September 01, 2002 15:46 CDT
Comment/Review:
My comment again without being cut of (sorry for the inconvenience *bows* gomen ne) *hopes mediaminer will get the job done this time:
The story was not bad.
It was rather hard to read, though. Not because of the content, but rather because of the writing style. You put too much (sometimes even unneccessary) information in one sentence. For example:
"She's not bad. More lively than the last few." The broad-shouldered,
blonde angel who had shoved her spoke, a sardonic smile on his thin
lips.
"She's not bad. ..." Teasingly, his
fingers trailed along the outermost edges,...
The first piece information the reader gets in this is "teasingly", in ohter words the mind has to keep the teasingly in order to get the sentence right and it's harder to read. Try it yourself: if you read "His fingers trailed along the outmost edges teasingly" isn't that a lot easier to read than "Teasingly, his fingers trailed along the outmost edges"?
On the other hand there re some sentence structures in this, that are really good.
Before he'd spent himself, however, the utterly disturbing sound of a
blade meeting flesh reached her ears. Looking up, she noticed an
expression of shock on Blondie's face.
This is first class tension building via sentence structure and what information is given. We're in a process in which the reader expects "After some time he came" or something like that. "Before he'd spent himself, however" - what? {= that's what the reader asks himself. But the question is not simply answered, you just imply that something with a blade must've happened that wasn't supposed to happen. "Looking up, she noticed" - what did she notice, what happened?{= again reader wants to know what happened, but you're not telling, you're again implying.
That was done very good. Try to get a flow like that throughout your entire stories, it's much easier to read that way and it builds up tension.
Enough dry theory about sentences... let's get down to business, in other words: let's take a look at the content:
To sum the story up: A more detailed and changed version of the scene, in which Alec rescues Kurai.
The idea, that Kurai actually gets raped and is not saved short before that happens, is not the most spectacular idea ever, but not really boring, ether ^_~
It might have been more interesting, if you would have had the blowjob before the actual penetration, because that way the more "harmless" thing would have been first (NOTE: I AM NOT SAYING THAT BEEING FORCED TO GIVE HEAD IS HARMLESS, it's just more harmless than actually beeing penetrated um... you know where). In that version you could have added a psycological development inside Kurai. She'd first think, that it might be the worst thing ever happened to her, but goes along (without biting) because she thinks that they won't take her virginity as long as she cooparates. After that has been done there would be a new shock to her when she finds out they'll take her anyway.
The creation of a character that's helping Alexiel is an interesting idea. Alec is normally the person that works alone. But I like the idea anyway. Especially the way how you described Nanniele before we get to know that she's with Alec.
A detail you might want to change: Which angel is actually helping Kurai in this? 'The Inorganic Angel' (that'd be Rosiel... um ... what's Rosiel dont there?! O.o) or Alexiel (Organic Angel) ? ^_~
On the whole I'd like to say: Take your time, don't hurry, don't put to much information in one sentence. Try to describe the atmosphere and how things are said and how somebody feels by describing what can be seen. (Not "Kurai flushed with embarrassment" maybe something like "Kurai flushed and averted her eyes from her body's obvious reaction to his moves.") .
There's not much "story" in this story. It's just more detailed and slightly changed describtion of something that happens in the OVAs and the Manga.
Speaking about the Manga: If you liked the OVAs (there are only three, sorry), you'll absolutely love the mangas :)
And (since I've written so much already and hardly anybody will read till here anyway) about Rosiel and Katan:
I don't think Rosiel is too obsessed with Alec, but with himself... he has very strong hate/love feelings for Alexiel, but the hate/love (more hate than love I'd say) he feels for himself is stronger.
And if you read the manga, you'll realize that sometimes Rosiel actually knows how much Katan means to him.... these occasions are just a little rare... ^_~
You have potential (I guess, otherwise I wouldn't have writen such a long review). Maybe next time you might want to write a story with some sort of plot and with a little less complcated sentence structure, I'd really like to read that ^_^ | Reviewed By: El Chupacabras [MediaMiner Member] On: September 01, 2002 15:44 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
The story was not bad.
It was rather hard to read, though. Not because of the content, but rather because of the writing style. You put too much (sometimes even unneccessary) information in one sentence. For example:
"She's not bad. More lively than the last few." The broad-shouldered,
blonde angel who had shoved her spoke, a sardonic smile on his thin
lips.
"She's not bad. ..." Teasingly, his
fingers trailed along the outermost edges,...
The first piece information the reader gets in this is "teasingly", in ohter words the mind has to keep the teasingly in order to get the sentence right and it's harder to read. Try it yourself: if you read "His fingers trailed along the outmost edges teasingly" isn't that a lot easier to read than "Teasingly, his fingers trailed along the outmost edges"?
On the other hand there re some sentence structures in this, that are really good.
Before he'd spent himself, however, the utterly disturbing sound of a
blade meeting flesh reached her ears. Looking up, she noticed an
expression of shock on Blondie's face.
This is first class tension building via sentence structure and what information is given. We're in a process in which the reader expects "After some time he came" or something like that. "Before he'd spent himself, however" - what? | Reviewed By: Lyle Fitzgerald [MediaMiner Member] On: July 25, 2002 19:23 CDT
Comment/Review:
Deliciously written for a first timer. I can't wait until you've gained even more confidence as a writer, Liriel-chan. Please read my fiction in return under Lyle Fitzgerald. (Forgive the cheapness, but a newbie must do what he must do...) -_- | Reviewed By: Pokepilot [MediaMiner Member] On: January 04, 2002 18:54 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hey, I really liked that. I would greatly enjoy it if you took the time to write up more chapters. Atleast one more. I felt kindof like it left me hanging. I wonder really what happens next. I have never seen Angel Sanctuary and have know idea what its like but still. That was good. If you know of any fansites or 'official' sites of that anime would you please email me a link to them? At UCPatriots@aol.com
Thanx | Reviewed By: Vile [MediaMiner Member] On: December 13, 2001 12:17 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
This as anyone whose read mostly focuses on the rape aspect of when Kurai was finally rescued in Gehenna. Will there be more, is there some underlying plot to this? I thought it was well written, but one mistake Alexiel is the organic angel. Since the central focus was rape, there wasn't much of anything else - I expected to see more thoughts from Kurai more emotion. Knowing the spunky character she is, there wasn't enough life coming from her. And, I commend the author for commenting that Rosiel is to warped over his sister to take notice of Katan! |
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