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| "Complications" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: May 25, 2005 04:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting this to the FFARG. I read the first chapter and a half - as I don't read hentai, I didn't go beyond where I noticed that there was any citrus content. However, I will comment on what I read. Although you classify this as an AU, the characters are highly OOC. Some authors may not care, but honestly, it is important to have them in character (at least to some extent). In addition, the dialogue feels a little forced and rushed, and your shifts in point of view are dizzying, even if you did mark them. I would avoid switching PoVs in the middle of the chapter (1). There are a large number of spelling, grammar, and descriptive issues as well. The descriptions are rushed, the story line is also rushed, and InuYasha seems way out of character allowing himself to be so easily seduced, especially by a married woman. You may want to change a few things around, develop the plot further, and get a decent beta reader to help you with grammatical and spelling issues. At any rate, don't let this review get you down - keep writing, and with some polishing, you'll have a decent piece of work here (at least for people who like reading hentai XP). Thanks again for submitting to FFARG.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: xfiledino [MediaMiner Member] On: May 14, 2005 23:07 CDT
Comment/Review:
Ok, first off I was confused during the entire chapter. I'm assuming that (*) means that part is InuYasha's thoughts. Everything went by so fast. One sentence has InuYasha at his father's house the next has him in front of that lady's house. If your going to skip around, use some sort of seperator to make it less confusing. Also, give some more details, I don't think that you described Mrs. Kurosaki at all. Also, InuYasha would have known his brother was there, unless of course he is a full human in this story and not a hanyou, but that was never defined so I'm not sure. In InuYasha's description you said: long silver and golden eyes I think you meant long silver hair and golden eyes. There were a couple more places that could use some revision. A good Beta would help with that. Another thing, I just can't see InuYasha giving in so easily to Mrs. Kurosaki, it's not in his nature to just let things go. If he wanted to go home, then he would have left her. However, I also know that this does not fit in with your story line, but then it becomes difficult to figure out a way to get him into the situation, but mainly because his personality won't allow for certain things to happen. I think you have a good idea, but it just needs to be polished up a little. Thanks for submitting this to the FFARG!!
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