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| "A Man and a Woman and Why" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: May 17, 2005 18:10 CDT
Comment/Review:
I might suggest you reupload so that the paragraphs have a blank space between them. As it is, they look almost like blocks and, as such, are a little intimidating. When you do this, you will have to do scene breaks ( *** or some other symbol) where you already have blank spaces. Also, when using acronyms, you should always spell out what it stands for at the first use; do not assume all readers know what SIDS, NYC, or NYU mean, even if most should. You do not need to say "quote-unquote" since the quote itself is held within quotes. "Quote-unquote" is only said by people because quotation marks do not show in speech. Your story's flow seems a little off, probably due to the strange way you present it. Personally, I find such an outright statement of facts to be a rush of information that can be uncomfortable to some; the speaking directly to the readers also seems a little odd, to me. When you get to dialogue, you don't use verbs to tell who is speaking. Though you can skip out on the verbs sometimes, never do it all the time. You need to state "he said" or "he replied quickly" and such things. You have some grammatical problem, namely with sentence fragments. I would suggest getting a betareader (or another one if you already have one) to bounce ideas off of because the flow is really awkward at some points. The concept seems to get across well, but the story itself has an awkward pace and seems to be a puzzle incorrectly put together. Thank you for submitting to FFRG :-)
| Reviewed By: Tenshi Shi Rachiru NLI On: May 09, 2005 13:38 CDT
Comment/Review:
First point I would like to make is that I like your style of story telling. The history and detail behind even minor characters brings the whole thing to life and makes it a lot easier to follow. The characters are identifiable and the psychology behind their actions is fascinationg, (Particularly to me, I study Health and Social care) There's not too much time wasted on physical appearance, but enough to form a mental image, and so the story is well paced. Well written, as per usual of your work.
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