Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Sisi(not signed in) On: June 12, 2005 18:10 CDT
Comment/Review:
First off, you seem to be having problems separating first person narration "I did this, I did that" in which your character knows that the dog-like Digimon's name is Retrimom, and regular third person narration in which the narrator tells what's going on. This makes the story rather confusing and you can't just alternate between "I did" and "They did" without marking it clearly. You could describe more how or what the Digimon look like because not everyone has seen season four or you could have created that Digimon, regardless the more description you put in the better people will be able to understand. What is a spike? Is it something to eat? You need to keep in mind that the reader doesn't know what you're thinking. Wended… What does this mean? Do you mean waded? If you define this clearer it won't confuse readers. If Darren was told about the others by his D-Scanner you should put what the D-scanner said into the story. It just provides more for you to work with. If you describe more how these new people are you have lots to work with when you look at these people, they can seem overconfident or cautious, you could describe them more fully. And the battle goes on way too fast. Just keep in mind that your readers aren't psychic and they don't know what you're thinking so you have to be more clear with them.
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