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| "I Was Once Yours" Reviews/Comments [ 9 ] | Reviewed By: unistar [MediaMiner Member] On: March 29, 2008 06:52 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
really like it so far... update when you can... please and thank you...
| Reviewed By: angelofhaiti [MediaMiner Member] On: November 08, 2007 17:14 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
wait a minute, you can't be done with this story already!!!!!!!! Its just getting good. please write more.
| Reviewed By: unistar [MediaMiner Member] On: July 17, 2007 17:07 CDT
Comment/Review:
interesting story... really like it so far... wonder what happens... update soon... please and thank you!
| Reviewed By: Nami_wave_101 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 23, 2006 13:58 CDT
Comment/Review:
OMG!!! I LUV IT!!! please update soon!!!!
| Title: cool
Reviewed By: jmm13 [MediaMiner Member] On: February 05, 2006 14:05 CST
Comment/Review:
i think your story iz realllly cool!! can't wait to see what happens.
| Title: cold night
Reviewed By: LonelyAngel *not logged in* On: July 01, 2005 00:29 CDT
Comment/Review:
I've taken everyone's advice this will be a premise for a story. I'm in the process of writing it and editing this. I want the characters too be OOC because of the story coming after. Thank you for all the reviews and critique! Can't any better without them!
| Title: FFRG review
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: June 30, 2005 21:20 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting your story to the FFRG. I'll be adding onto the previous reviewer's notes, as I have a few other comments. ^^; First off, it might be nice to note (as Kellen said) that this takes place further down the line in the IY story. This is an incredibly short story, and rather underdeveloped, but that could easily be fixed if you added to the story with further details and emotions, and possibly Kagome's own thoughts. I noticed a number of grammatical and spelling errors as well - these could easily be fixed with a beta reader. My final comment is on the fact that not only Kagome is OOC, but InuYasha and Kikyou are as well. From my own understanding of the series, I doubt that once InuYasha makes a decision on who he will choose between Kagome and Kikyou, he would never go back on that choice. Although he seems fairly fickle as the series stands, he doesn't strike me as the type who would fully commit one way and then remain half-way between the two. Maybe that's just IMHO. ^^; At any rate, with development and polishing, you could have a very touching one-shot on your hands. Best of luck with all future endeavors, and thanks again for submitting to the FFRG. ^^
| Title: FFARG continued...
Reviewed By: Kellen [MediaMiner Member] On: June 13, 2005 12:59 CDT
Comment/Review:
...oops.. I didn't realize I had gone over the limit. My apologies! "...run it by someone who's strong in grammar skills. I recommend the "I need a beta" thread in the forums. Again, you've a good start, and I would love to see it filled out. cheers,Kellen
| Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: Kellen [MediaMiner Member] On: June 13, 2005 12:55 CDT
Comment/Review:
First of all, what a premise! If it were filled out a little, this could be quite the gut-wrenching story. My own biased opinion, though, is that Kagome is out of character, but that could be explained away in a bit of an author's note, or a little elaboration in the beginning on the fact that she is married. You have a very good rough start; it does need filled out. More detail, more happening. Perhaps you could start out with Kagome rolling over in her sleep and not finding InuYasha where he usually was beside her. First, worry, then realization, then anger. You really need to delve into Kagome's emotion to make the last lines believable. Why would she, in anger, take her own life instead of Kikyo's? Maybe a few lines where she realizes how happy InuYasha looks when with Kikyo would make that "I hope you're happy" line that much more heart-wrenching. You also have some grammar problems; I would suggest going to the "I need a beta" thread in the forums and asking after a beta who is good with run-on sentences and sentence fragments. For example, your first sentence illustrates a problem that is prevalent in your fic: "All started on a cold night, Inuyasha was missing, and Kagome knew exactly where he was." It should read more along the lines of "It all started on a cold night. Inuyasha was missing, and Kagome knew exactly where he was." It's a good start, and I think this could be a great one-shot if you took some time to fill out the details, and to run it by someone who's |
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