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| "Karam Coma Part One" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG (Part Two)
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: October 30, 2005 17:58 CST
Comment/Review:
Now, I will take the time to point out non-structural issues. I suggest you vary the names you use. "Shasta" is in everything I've seen you write. It would not be hard to vary the name so the reader doesn't just feel like he's in your fantasy. They will indentify with characters better if they don't just assume you're self-inserting. Strongbad is quite obviously from Homestarr Runner (or whatever, I don't remember the name well) and it is not something a person would just normally think up themselves. The use of it places a set view of that character in the reader's mind and anything you say will conflict. If you want it to be that character, then it's theft. Also, your descriptions of the narrator are repetitive and many are unnecessary or exaggerated. The more you emphasize "flab" the bigger the person will image the character (which means you move from simply overweight into morbidly obese). Also, do not use foreign languages for no reason. Most people do not understand whatever language you'll be using and repeating it in English is just redundant. Say what you want to say in English. Showing off knowledge of Japanese (or any other language) is annoying to most people. Also, I'm going to repeat not using bold. It is very annoying. Book titles, etc. are italicized in prose. Thank you for submitting and for using my critique and suggestions.
| Title: FFRG (Part One)
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: October 30, 2005 17:45 CST
Comment/Review:
Firstly, make sure the formatting uploads correctly. Paragraphs jammed together are bad. Now, you really need to use a spellcheck option before posting. I see many errors just in the first page or so of this. For example, it's "regimes," "ridiculous," "torturous," and "Inediquette" I feel you meant "inadequate." You should have a betareader to catch these things. Second issue, abuse of ellipses. You use them way too often and incorrectly in most cases (especially the cases where you only have ".." instead of "..." in the middle of a sentence, or "...." at the end of a sentence). Almost every ellipse you have shouldn't be there. Use commas or periods more often, as they fit into the sentence. "No-one" is two words, not hypenated. Do not use caps for emphasis or yelling. Italics are for emphasis, exclamation points and "he yelled" are for yelling. "Is this heaven?" is a tense switch. Do not change tenses in the middle of a story. Another thing, learn the proper use of contractions. The apostrophe ( ' ) goes between the n and the t. For example, "can't," "wasn't," shouldn't." You use "was'nt," "should'nt," "did'nt," etc, which are all incorrect. Next point, DO NOT ALLITERATE; "short, sharp shriek of shock" is alliteration and it sounds bad in prose. Use words with different beginning sounds whenever possible.
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