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| "Shattered Remains" Reviews/Comments [ 7 ] | Title: FFRG Review Ch 4
Reviewed By: MissMusicality [MediaMiner Member] On: December 08, 2005 00:59 CST
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting this chapter to FFRG! Ok, first, I commend you on making those two as annoying as possible. The way they are constantly tripping over eachother's sentences is priceless. They are exactly like to teenage friends who haven't seen eachother in ages, and their excitement is very well portrayed. Excellent job with that. Now, you say that this is still being beta'd... and I have to admit I'm relieved. It desperately needs it. There are numerous grammatical, and spelling mistakes, as well as punctuation mistakes all throughout the chapter. Be sure your beta is good, and be sure it is checked over a few more times. As far as other suggestions, your characterization of Duo seems good, Heero is pretty good, and the others...I'm sensing annoyance, so that's a good thing, because I'd be annoyed with those two chatterboxes as well. Be very careful about how annoying they get, though, because you don't want the reader to hate the girl. So, all in all, your descriptions and dialogues are going great, just be sure it is beta'd! Get those technical errors fixed! Best of luck with the rest of your fic.
| Title: FFRG Review Chapter 3
Reviewed By: hostilecrayon [MediaMiner Member] On: September 30, 2005 19:29 CDT
Comment/Review:
I'll start off by saying this story is pretty funny. I liked the little ladybug bit. The little sandwich thing was funny, too. Your characterization for Duo is practically dead on. However, with Heero, I think he's a little too forward, joining in on the jokes is not something I'd expect from him. The plot is interesting, though it feels a bit like a Mary Sue. You should also work on your descriptions. Right now, you tell me exactly what is there. But it has no real feeling behind it, and almost seems a little scattered. Some of the diologue feels a bit forced, and I would recommend varying your diction and sentance structure. The use of Japanese is a little random, and most likely should be dropped all together, aside from name endings like -san or -sama. Overall, this story has good possibilities, but I definately recommend watching the series again to get a better handle on the pilots' (Other than Duo) personalities. Thank you for submitting to FFRG.
| Title: FFARG review cont Ch2
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2005 17:30 CDT
Comment/Review:
. They're very well trained and would have been there if she simply asked. Pissing people off is NOT just who Duo is. I'll tell you that Mobil Dolls are not better than regular suits. The reason they were so effective was because they could be destroyed on a massive scale and no one cared. They were more reckless because there was no one inside to be killed. Never, EVER, has Quatre uttered 'By Allah,' nor has Heero uttered 'Ara Kami,' I don't know who's saying Mon Dieu but that's French. Overall, your story isn't *bad* I don't exactly know the plot because I haven't read chapter one but you seem to have a lot of 'fan decided' things that aren't necessarily in the series. Keep writing and thank you for submitting to the FFARG.
| Title: FFARG review
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2005 17:30 CDT
Comment/Review:
Since your story is being betaed, I will go by your wishes and work on characterization, flow and plot. (I can do this because I used to be a rabid fan of Gundam Wing myself.) First off, I'll have you know that perhaps twice - three times in the entire series and Endless waltz were the Gundam pilots together. More often than not they were alone, but Duo and Heero spent some time together, so did Duo and Quatre, and Quatre and Trowa. Wufei spent some time with Sally, Heero and Quatre, Noin, Zechs and Relena spent some time together in the artic. Duo calls his Gundam Deathscythe. (And I'll have you be assured; even in Blind Target the Pilots were doing their own thing for the most part.) Duo *does* know how to be serious, in fact, he's very serious, he's not always goofy and he's got a good sense of what to do at the right time. He rarely makes a situation worse. Save for his circus costume, Trowa *only* wears turtlenecks. How can he be the butt of a joke for wearing a turtleneck? Wufei is actually quite the gentlemen when women are not running around putting themselves in danger, the woman he was married to got herself killed out of passion and love for her colony. Wufei has conflicts with women, but he is by no means a misogynist. All the talk of Kade trying to get them into the maintenance chamber so she can yell at them is very wrong, these boys didn't get where they were by being lazy and wanton.
| Title: just cause!!
Reviewed By: misslady [MediaMiner Member] On: July 29, 2005 01:45 CDT
Comment/Review:
This is a great story!! Please continue!! I look forward to reading the rest!! It has a good start and continues in a nice flow!! Good job so far
| Title: FFRG- review of Chapter 1
Reviewed By: misslady [MediaMiner Member] On: July 28, 2005 12:26 CDT
Comment/Review:
You have a good start going. There are some grammatical errors and incorrect spellings of words that a few changes would make flow better. As I am just learning the characters for this anime I do not fully know the personalities of each. I do feel that you have a good start on the characters. You are developing them well. Overall this is a good start. I would recommend a beta reader to help smooth things out a bit more. Looking forward to reading more of this story on my own time.
| Title: FFRG review (chapter 1)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: July 17, 2005 05:19 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your work to the FFRG. First, I'd like to make a comment on your scene change markings. They take away from the flow of your story; there are several ways to embed them into the story so that they don't seem so obtrusive. Secondly, I noticed a decent number of grammatical errors. I won't point them out specifically, but I did notice many misused words, incorrect punctuation (on dialogue and in other places), and a few typos. I caught a few spelling errors as well. A beta reader will be of great service in helping you find and fix these mistakes. Your descriptions have promise; however, several of them need polishing (fixing awkward or verbose sections) and could use some fleshing out. In terms of characterization, I think you had Duo nailed down quite well, though he seemed to swear excessively (even for him). Heero's relationship with Duo seems very underdeveloped and OOC for Heero. You mention that the war changed him, but you don't explain how or why, and his change lacks development. My final comment is on the plot - I'm sorry to sound harsh, but it's a tad on the cliched side. I've read many GW fanfictions with a similar premise; you may want to add a few plot twists to make it a little more unique than the average story. Otherwise, you have a very promising start here. My main suggestion is to get an excellent beta reader to help you polish and improve upon your story. Keep writing, and best of luck with your future endeavors.
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