Reviewed By: Sueric [MediaMiner Member] On: June 20, 2005 14:31 CDT
Comment/Review:
Interesting! I enjoyed reading your oneshot, and I think that you show a great amount of potential! There were a few spots that I found a little rough, but really smooth overall and a solid read. The only things I really noticed were the slightly stilted way of naming and introducing all the characters in the first paragraph, and while I realize why you wanted them to all be introduced, perhahs there would be a more fluid way to do it? Conversation and/or action lends itself to this. Through movement, we can get a more precise feel for a character, and you can still slip in names etc, but try to change up the way it is done. There were also a few sentences that seemed either redundant or just a little off-kilter here and there, but the attention you've paid to grammar as well as the overall feel of the story are very ambient. Great job, and good luck with this! With a little polish for flow and smoothness, I think your oneshot will really shine! Best of luck, Sueric
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