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| "Stepping on my Foot" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG review
Reviewed By: Sidhe (Sisi) On: July 21, 2005 16:17 CDT
Comment/Review:
Well one thing I can say is that Dumas is right about 'something' being a little off about Luna. I can't really tell what it is but you could probably fix it with putting more of her quirky body movements in there. Things that you might know she does differently. You have a lot of dialogue in this story, which is good, but to make it more balanced you could put in what they're doing while they talk. (No one just stands there and talks through a big conversation like that. They fiddle with things and fidget at least, or touch each other assuming they're in love) " "It's safer there; keeping it in your pocket you risk loosing a buttock. And my mother made me the necklace right before she died; wearing it is how I remember her." Luna defended almost absent mindedly." You put their names after most of what they say and you don't need to. Simply he or she would suffice sometimes. Over all, your grammar is good and your style is a-ok, and it's a good story. I *despise* the Ginny/Harry pairings. Luna I like. Very much so. Keep it up!
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 14, 2005 14:56 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting to FFARG. You've picked an interesting pairing for this fic, I don't think this one's used often. I think Luna's just a bit out of character; she doesn't talk quite the way I remember her talking in whichever novel she showed up in. This is nonetheless a charming bit of fluff, I just don't think you have Luna nailed down quite right. You have some trouble with similar words, like 'or' and 'of' and 'lose' and 'loose.'
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