Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ The Ones They Take For Granted ❯ Little More Than A Shadow ( Chapter 10 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

The Ones They Take For Granted

By Pareathe

A/N: Wow...I can't believe it's almost over...though not as over as I'd thought I'd be with this update. One of my friends took issue with my chapter lengths-said reading twenty-plus pages each time was too much-so I've shortened this one up a little, just in case anyone else felt this way. Of course, if you guys tell me you want the long ones back, I'll be happy to oblige. ^_^ And keep in mind, shortening the chapters won't have much effect on how often I update, as I've got so much stuff going on right now, it's absolute madness, fanfiction-wise (I've started writing InuYasha fanfics, and I'm nursing a severe Fruits Basket addiction-having a real hard time not starting a fic for that series too, LOL) and otherwise. Gomen ne, minna!

Alright, on that note...

Special thanks to the one who makes every chapter the best it can be, BluEydMnstr. I couldn't do it without you!

Chapter Nine: Little More Than A Shadow

~All day, staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on the wall~

He's leaving.

It's been two days since I heard those words-I saw him admit his intentions with my own eyes!-but...I can't believe it. It's not that I don't want to, although it'd be true. I wish it were as simple as denial. I could deal with that, I think. But this...

I really cannot believe he's leaving me.

Everything I've done since then has been like existing inside an impenetrable fog. And it's not just this one thing which seems so unreal. It's...everything. Every thing around me, every person I encounter, every aspect of my life now...it's all part of some kind of dream I can't wake up from.

No, not a dream. A lie, that's what it is. Just one big, fucking lie.

There's only one thing keeping me even remotely sane: Pan. It's frightening, how insightful my ten-year-old daughter is; she must get it from her ojiichan, because it definitely doesn't come from her father or me. She's the one who's kept me from giving in completely to this hopelessness. She needs me, and I refuse to sink so deep into self-pity that I'm incapable of taking care of her.

~All night, I'm hearing voices telling me I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something~

She doesn't know her grandfather's going anywhere. Then again, I'm not supposed to know either, and as cowardly as it is, I haven't led anyone to believe any different. It's scary how well I've learned to go through the motions of my duties as the good little housewife. Gohan has no idea of what I've been thinking or feeling, or if he does, he's not willing to acknowledge it.

But Pan...oh yeah, Pan knows something's wrong. She may not know the specifics, but she knows things aren't the way they used to be, or the way they should be.

This is the second night she's come downstairs after Gohan's already gone to bed while I busy myself with whatever I can find to stay occupied, and curled up in my lap on the couch. I know he wouldn't be happy about it since it's always well after her bedtime when she does it, but I don't have the heart to send her away. Especially not now, when so much has changed so fast.

So here we are, lying on the sofa together. I know she wants to say something-I can almost see the gears turning in her head-and even though I have no clue how I'll respond when she does start talking, I want to know what she'll say...what she's thinking. Then again, maybe I don't. With everything that's happened over the past months, it's not my husband or my mother-in-law I've wronged the most. It's Pan.

How will I explain what's happening to our family? I don't even have a grip on it myself.

~Hold on, I'm feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

I don't know why~

"Mama? Can I ask you something?"

Oh gods, I don't know if I can do this... "Hai, of course, baby. What is it?" I can't believe I sounded so calm...so normal, but I guess I should count my blessings.

She shifts in the crook of my arm so her face isn't buried in the fabric of my robe, although she seems content to keep her head against my shoulder rather than looking at me, for which I'm eternally thankful. Kami knows my face would probably give away what my voice didn't.

And there it is again-that pause, telling me she's unsure of how to continue. But, as is always the case with Pan-chan, she seems to come to some sort of decision on how to proceed, and she tenses slightly.

"Are you mad at me?"

What? Am I...mad...at... It feels like a thousand little needles are attacking my lungs as I take a sharp breath. "No!" I answer forcefully-moreso than I'd intended, because she jumps slightly. "No," I repeat, more gently this time. "Why would you think that?"

~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile, and maybe then you'll see a different side of me~

"It's just..." She sounds so small right now, so unlike the confident young woman she's becoming. "You...you and Papa both...you stopped talking, and you don't smile anymore. You always used to smile all the time. Did...did I do something wrong, Mama?"

I can't breathe...

"No, baby," I manage to croak out, and my arms tighten instinctively around her as I clench my jaw and fight back a sudden flood of tears gathering in my eyes and throat. "You...oh Pan-chan, you haven't done anything wrong," I assure her vehemently.

"Really?"

"Really," I reply into her hair. "You've done nothing but make me proud, baby. You mean more to me than anything in this world, and" -how do I say this?- "no matter what happens, I want you to remember how much I love you. Nothing will ever change that. Promise me won't ever forget it, okay?"

She nods against my shoulder. "There's something really wrong though, isn't there...something big. Something you're scared to tell me about."

~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be~

It's a statement, not a question, and I wince at her flat, matter-of-fact tone. Is it really that obvious, that I'm so close to falling apart? Damn it, she should never have to be in a position like this! What's wrong with me? How could I fail her like this...especially now!

"It...it's complicated," I begin, forcing my own voice to remain calm.

She sits up and finally looks me in the eye, her own gaze steady and showing determination well beyond her ten years. "You can tell me, Mama! I'm not a kid anymore! I promise, whatever it is...I can handle it! I want to help you, Mama, just like you and Papa and Ojiichan are always doing for me!"

Despite the panic welling in my chest and the tears forming in my eyes, I can't help but smile. She really has no idea how proud she makes me...how much I admire her spirit and fearlessness. I don't ever want anything to hinder those qualities.

"I'll tell you what you can do for me," I whisper, cupping her cheek. "Just keeping being yourself, Pan-chan. That's all I want."

~See me, talking to myself in public

And dodging glances on the train~

"Your mom's right, you know."

We both jump, and Pan spins around. "Papa!"

I don't know how long he's been standing there or what he heard, and I curse myself silently for not paying attention. Then he walks toward us, throwing me an unreadable glance before turning a gentler look on Pan. "Gomen ne, Pan-chan, I didn't mean to startle you." Once he reaches the couch, he crouches down in front of her. "Don't worry yourself anymore. I know things have been strange lately, between moving and everything, but it's alright now. Pretty soon, everything's gonna be back to the way it was."

I clench my jaw shut and close my eyes. If he really believes that, he's living in a dreamworld, and the idea of him trying to drag Pan into it really, really pisses me off.

Then again, there's little I can do right now, except sit here as he gives her a hug and sends her back to bed. She stops halfway, turns, and runs back, wrapping her arms around my neck and leaning so her mouth is next to my ear.

"I know it's not true," she whispers, making my breath catch in my throat, but before I can recover from the shock at such an incredible display of intuitiveness, she pulls away. "I love you, Mama, and I promise to do what you said."

Absolutely amazing...she's so much stronger than I could ever be.

~I know they've all been talking 'bout me; I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me~

"Goodnight, baby," I call after her as she traipses around the corner and goes into her room down the hall.

As soon as I hear her door close, Gohan sighs and sits down on the other end of the couch. He turns to me, rubbing the bridge of his nose, which means he just took off his glasses before coming down here...and that means he's been awake this whole time when I assumed he was asleep.

"We should go to bed too."

There he goes, trying to act as though nothing's wrong. Rather than calling him on it, I get up instead. "I need to fold the laundry," I reply. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted, but I haven't been sleeping well, and I really don't have the energy to get into all that with him right now. Luckily, I happen to know there's a load of clothes in the dryer, so taking care of that's as good an excuse as any.

Apparently he doesn't get it, because he follows me through the closet-size kitchen and props himself against the wall next to the little area where the washer and dryer sit.

"You should've told me," he states softly.

I keep my back to him and continue piling the clothes into the laundry basket. "Told you what, exactly?"

"About Pan," he explains. "We should be working together to help her through this..."

~Out of all the hours, thinking

Somehow I've lost my mind~

Oh, really? Working together, huh? Just like when we decided to move out of the house she spent her whole life in, or when we chose to keep Goku's departure a secret so she won't even get the chance to say goodbye?

On second thought, I think I'm in the mood to have a little chat after all.

"And how do we do that, Gohan?" I turn around and lean against the washer, folding my arms tightly over my chest. "I think we better figure that out first."

He stiffens and frowns. "I don't understand what you-"

"Do you want me to pretend everything's okay so she won't suspect something's wrong? Or am I supposed to keep my mouth shut again, and let you do whatever you want, even if it'll hurt her even more in the end? Is that what you want from me, to go along with the bullshit you just fed her?"

"I meant what I said," he replies vehemently, taking a step forward and resting his hand on my arm. "Everything's going to be okay, Videl. We've started over, haven't we?"

"You've got to be kidding," I whisper more to myself than to him, though he jerks slightly in response. "You call this starting over? Just because we don't live next door to him anymore? Not that it'll matter after tomorrow...will it?"

~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile, and maybe then you'll see a different side of me~

Oh yeah, that got his attention. I see a series of emotions pass over his features, one more prominent than the rest: suspicious anger.

"Yes, I know Goku's planning to go into space," I continue, "and no, I didn't find out from him."

He relaxes, but only a little. "If that's the case, then you should understand why Pan will need us even more now."

"I know she'll need somebody," I seethe, "but it won't be us. Not after lying to her like this."

It looks like I struck a nerve. "For the last time, I haven't lied to her like y-" His eyes widen slightly, and he takes a deep breath. "I...what I mean is..."

Liar. "Oh, I know what you meant, and you're right. I'm just as guilty as you are. The only difference is I'm willing to admit it, while you're still trying to make yourself believe you can ignore what happened and it'll just go away."

"That's just it. I'm not ignoring anything; I'm trying! I'm trying to help us get back to where we were before...before all this." His hand moves from my shoulder to my cheek, and his eyes meet mine in a silent plea. "Isn't that what you want?"

"You really don't understand, do you?" He jerks back, his face showing his confusion. "Even now...after everything that's happened..."

~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be~

He honestly doesn't realize, does he? How could I ever want things to be the way they were before? Is that why I've felt like he's ignoring what's happened? Because this is the way he wants it to be?

When I really think about it, things aren't much different now from how they were before. We're back to living two separate lives under the same roof, with as little contact as possible in our new, closer quarters. The only change is, rather than crying myself to sleep, wishing Gohan would pay attention to me, I catch myself daydreaming about what would happen if I tossed all reason aside and went to Goku.

But that's all it is: a dream.

I've always liked to tell myself I had guts, but not this time. It's not just Gohan either-he's the least of my concerns. No, if I told Goku I wanted to leave Gohan to be with him, how would it make him feel? He loves his son...he could never hurt him more than we already have. I could never put him in such a position...not when I've already seen how much he's suffering now.

And what about Chichi? I know she doesn't qualify for wife of the year, but I'm sure she loves Goku in her own way. How would she handle it if she knew her husband had an affair with her own daughter-in-law? I know we've all joked about her never getting sick because she's too stubborn to let anything stop her from cooking, cleaning, and chasing people with her pan, but if anything could give her a heart attack, that'd probably be it.

~I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me, they'll be taking me away~

Then there's Pan. She loves them both so much...if I were to leave one for the other, it wouldn't just confuse her, it'd tear her apart. And...she would probably end up hating me, maybe even more than I already despise myself.

Out of all the possibilities, that's the most frightening prospect of all.

The only thing being accomplished with this conversation is confusion for Gohan and utter hopelessness for me. Nothing's ever going to change between us; I might as well accept it.

"Forget it," I say, pushing the laundry basket into the corner before walking past him. "I'm going to bed."

I don't have to look to know he's only a few steps behind me as I enter our bedroom. Without even bothering to undress, I get into bed and turn off the lamp next to my side of the bed, the only light left in the room coming from the matching one on his side. With my face toward the wall, I hear the door close with a soft 'click', and I feel the bed sink slightly under his weight a moment later. Even with my eyes closed, I can tell the difference once he turns off the last of the light.

Then I feel him shuffle closer, and I stiffen as an arm wraps around my waist, pulling my back against him.

~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile, and maybe then you'll see a different side of me~

"Videl...I'm sorry. I guess...I haven't been handling this very well, have I?" He presses himself against me in a sort of backwards hug, and I feel his breath on the back of my neck. "But I meant what I said. I love you, and I want us to be happy again. That's all that matters to me right now, but I can't do that unless you tell me what you want me to do. Please...whatever it is, I'll do it. All you have to do is tell me."

You know, it wasn't too long ago when hearing this would've made me happier than I'd been in years, but now...

It's not that I doubt his sincerity; I don't. There's no doubt in my mind, at this moment at least, he wholeheartedly wants to try to make our marriage work. The question is, how long will it last this time? A day? A week? How long will it take him to get comfortable with us again, to get lulled back into apathy? The longer this goes on, the more I believe he can't really help it. It's the way he is. Even when he was running around as Saiyaman, he was a protector, not a fighter. He's never been a warrior at heart, not for as long as I've known him. The only time he's ever serious in battle is when his back's against the wall, leaving him absolutely no other choice but to fight with his all or lose everything. And even then, he does it reluctantly.

Even though he doesn't realize it, that's exactly what he's doing now...what he's always done.

~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be~

He doesn't understand there are different kinds of battles: career, marriage, parenthood...and all of them require nothing less than one hundred percent all the time to avoid failure. Of course, when it comes to working and raising children, it's possible, though not preferable, to be successful on your own.

I guess that's why they say love is the ultimate battlefield. Without both people giving it all they've got, sure, you may survive, but it's impossible to actually win, and eventually, you wonder what you're fighting for in the first place.

It's a pipe dream, to expect him to act any other way. It's as I feared: it's not something he does, but part of who he is.

Then there's me. I can't ignore the fact that, though he'll always be the same, I've changed more than he could possibly fathom. The woman he married, the girl who believed she could face any challenge and overcome it, the one who was so sure of what she wanted...she's gone now. All that's left is a shell of my former self, little more than the shadow I make on the wall.

Is there any chance for us at all? Is there any way for him to keep his promise to Pan, and to me? He said all I have to do is tell him what I want, but how do I do that? The things I need now-confidence...trust...hope-are the few things he's unable to give me. But there is one thing he can do...

"Let Pan stay home from school tomorrow. You have to tell her...so she can say goodbye to her grandfather."

He tenses, but only for a moment. Then he nods against my shoulder. "If that's what you want, I'll talk to Pan first thing in the morning."

Yes, that's what I want. At this point, it's all I think I can do.

*~*~*~*~*

Lyrics: Unwell by Matchbox Twenty

A/N#2: Yep, not only did it end up shorter, but I think I'm gonna stick with one POV until the last chapter, since I've already got it played out in my head... Wow, this chapter is about half as long as normal, if even that...I feel like such a slacker, LOL! Ah well, at this rate, there'll be three more chapters rather than one, so...gomen ne, minna! Looks like you may be waiting a little longer after all, but it'll end eventually, I promise!

As always, if you're not on it, and you want to know when I update this fic, send a blank email to pareathe-subscribe@topica.com, and that'll get you on my mailing list.

Until next time, ja!