Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction ❯ Trial By Tenderness ❯ Part 4 - Realization ( Chapter 4 )

Part 4: Realization

 

A fog enshrouded glen stretched behind me as I stood on a wooden pier overlooking a hamlet under the ocean. Each wave danced distortion over the underseas kingdom; dragons lancing the cool water like sentinels. Overhead, the sky was misty blue, dotted with the specks of emerging twilight stars. The earth opened like an erupting egg and I heard the roar of jetfighter sounds as a being clambered out of the ripped ground. A ruddy red hellspawn gargoyle reached out and grabbed me, holding me underwater as breath drained out of me...

I awakened to a huge headache, more like a hangover. Every muscle in my body was throbbing. When I sat up, I noticed that I was in the common living room, covered with sweat.

"How did I get here?" I wondered aloud.

I saw dried blood all over my shirt and right arm. Someone had thoughtfully provided me with a blanket and pillow. No one else was in the living room. There was smashed furniture everywhere; it looked like a homicide crime scene. I looked at the ceiling and noticed that the fan was spinning akimbo. My head was spinning too; I couldn't remember a thing from the previous night. The dawn soundscape played quiet music to my ears.

Standing up, I could swear that I was hungover and dopesick. My inner sense of balance was all out of whack, and my vision was fettered by significant blurriness. Some of the events of last night started to return to me. There was a party with the whole of Keiichi's motor club. I joined in the festivities and had a blast...everything was going well. Then I got into an argument with Urd...and I couldn't remember anything after that. I sat back down on the floor and pulled the blanket around me, trying to rock away the moderate nausea I felt. This whole scene, especially my inner state of being, reminded me of what it was like when I was using drugs. Actually, abusing drugs was the more accurate term. The desolation I felt inside of me was gnawing at my higher spirit, which knew that I hadn't relapsed on anything. I've been clean long enough to feel confident in my personal recovery. There was just too much joy to life to let myself wander back into the morass of active drug addiction.

Skuld cautiously peeked around the corner. When we made eye contact, I saw fear and anger in her eyes.

"Skuld, what happened here? Are you okay?" I asked. But it was too late; she quickly pulled back into the hallway and dashed back to her room, shutting the sliding door firmly. Had I alienated her in some way? I could sense the stain of her immense distrust, as if there was something reptilian and poisonous slithering on the floor by my feet. I thought I heard soft sobbing coming from her room. Urd was nowhere to be seen. The joy I felt on Saturday's shopping trip with Megumi and Skuld was completely gone. The house seemed haunted with some very ugly vibes.

What had happened?

My mind tried to wrap itself around an explanation for Skuld's cold shoulder. More than a cold shoulder, it seemed that Skuld was almost terrified of me. Did I do something to upset her when we were shopping? Did I quip offhandedly about her being 'just a kid'...and strike a raw nerve? Or was it just a mood that she was in? Perhaps she was at an impasse in building her new mecha and just didn't feel like socializing. What about the others? Where is Belldandy? Odd. There was no TV blaring in Urd's room. Where is Urd?

While I was off in my head, trying to piece things together, I felt a strong need to call Hawaii. Maybe that would get me grounded. I definitely needed to check in with my sponsor...especially since I had just woken up feeling the aftereffects of being loaded. Plus I knew people there, and had close friends whose suggestions I valued. I had let a number of people into my life there, and they could read me like a morning paper. I looked around for a working phone, since the remote set in the living room was smashed.

I walked into the dining room and found a phone there, with a cord trailing back into the kitchen area. I called one of my closest friends, who happened to be my sponsor.

"Hey, this is Cevn. I'm in Japan!"

The voice on the other side of the phone was definitely my friend's, but what he said was shocking, to say the least.

"You couldn't be Cevn. He died last Wednesday, and the funeral was today."

"But I am Cevn." I thought he must be playing a joke. "Look, I really need to talk to you about what's been happening in my life..."

Try as I might, I could not convince him that mine was the voice of his close friend. I tried another friend, from the University. She started crying and described to me how she had stopped by on Wednesday and nobody came to the door, then she looked in the window and saw a body, lying on the floor next to a smashed TV. She got one of the neighbors to kick the door in and they discovered that I had died the previous night. She punctuated her story with bouts of sobbing, then yelled at me, "Why are you making me tell you about my friend's death?"

I felt numb...the kind of all-permeating numbness that accompanies major personal tragedy. This was some sort of horrible dream...but she definitely said it was my body that she found! How could this be?

I'm dead?

But I'm here!

I'm here!

I tried another number. This time, I was told that the NA fellowship in Hawaii had come out in full force for my funeral. I called my therapist, my professors at the University, more friends. All claimed that I was dead. I was totally spinning out, feeling preyed upon by a mounting disquiet.

But I had only been in Japan five days! How could I have 'died' the day before I came here? Then I realized that I had 'lost' a day traveling from Hawaii to Japan. The International Date Line. All of a sudden, it hit me. If they think I'm dead, than that means that my entire life...is over. For some reason, I didn't doubt that my friend had found my earthly body when she looked in on my apartment. And I knew that my sponsor and academic mentors wouldn't B.S. me.

But why couldn't they recognize my voice? I had assumed that I came over here as a whole: body and spirit. A morbid curiosity took hold of me; I tried to imagine what my funeral would have been like. I couldn't believe it. Everyone that ever knew me thought I was dead! But if I left my body there...then what could possibly explain my physical presence here? I patted myself on the shoulders and chest and ran my fingers over my face and hair, expecting ethereality. What if this is all an illusion and I am actually dead? With that shocking feeling, I fell into a fetal position and started to cry.

"Crying isn't going to change a thing," I thought, and then I started to scream. I screamed until my voice was hoarse. Then I screamed for somebody, anybody to talk to me.

"Cevn?"

A wave of relief rushed over me as I turned to the hallway to see a tired-looking Belldandy leaning against the doorway, tears misting her eyes. I poured out my situation to her with rapid-fire desperation.

"Belldandy, all my friends, everyone that knows me in Hawaii...everyone who knows me from anywhere...they all think I'm dead! I tried to call them, and they all insisted that I died last week. They didn't recognize my voice over the phone! What's happening? Why is Skuld afraid of me? Who wrecked the house?" Questions streamed out of my mouth as fast as I could discover them and frame them with words.

She looked at me with a saddened expression, apparently at conflict about how to answer my frantic queries.

"I was afraid that this would happen! I wondered how it was that Urd could have brought you back here through the TV. You see, as a Goddess, I can transport anyone...like Keiichi for example, but not through a mode of conveyance such as water or a mirror or a TV. We Goddesses can travel this way, because we continually reconstitute ourselves at the atomic level. But a human body...it cannot stand the stress of that kind of travel."

"So why do I have a body now?" I asked her. Belldandy looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I'm really tired. I need to sit down." She sat down at the dining room table, leaning against the wall.

"It must be that the Ultimate Force gave you a new body, Cevn. How else could it be? If the Relief Office had granted your wish, what sense would it make to have you die right after you made your wish, unless of course you wished to be dead." I shuddered at that thought. I had been suicidal many times, but the reality of her suggestion was...well I just didn't want to go there. Ironically, it seemed that I had gone there, however. I was now dead to the world. Memories of all the wonderful people I had met in recovery, people who had loved me back into health and humanity...these memories now threatened to crush my sanity, because they had awakened my heart to how much love I had just lost!

"So, you think that I was given a new body to replace the old one? What if I went back to Hawaii? If they thought I was dead, and I showed up like this, then there would be a lot of confusion all around. Why can't I just go back the same way I came?"

"But the Ultimate Force has decided that you were to come here. You cannot live two lives at once, Cevn. There is a reason that you are here with us in this moment."

"Belldandy, what are you not telling me!" I shouted, remembering her apparent reluctance when she started her explanation. She sighed resignedly.

"In cases where the Relief Office has granted a new life...which are very rare, mind you...the old life disappears totally within a few days. In other words, all traces of your former life will be gone. Everybody you have ever met...will forget that they ever knew who you were. It's terrible...but it is the way of the Ultimate Force."

So that was it. I had started this new life at the expense of my old one. Every person I had ever known, everyone that I ever cared about, all the successes and failures at kindness, every experience I had ever shared with a fellow human being...each was now only part of a "former life". What was it Buckmaster Fuller said...something about envisioning a new life each day as if one had died the previous night?

I felt my Soul...die.

Part of me wanted to laugh at the whole situation, while another part felt a forceful pathos sink in. I sensed an almost Gothic sort of darkness regarding my situation. My thoughts traveled to my friends. How sad for them! Desperation overwhelmed me as I realized that I was the same old me, but that everything was somehow changed. It was like having to confront the very core of my being with the awareness that everything was now different: the self-identity I relied upon to tell me that it was me when I acknowledged myself...that was all gone. I was even more powerless in the face of these events!

"You must try to quiet your mind and accept what has happened. Everything that occurs in life has a cause and a meaning. There must be meaning to this," Belldandy said in a soothing voice. I looked in her eyes and saw the gentle wisdom of a Goddess. All sorts of philosophical rebuttals flashed through my mind. Heidegger, Derrida and Chuang-zi loomed large in my thoughts.

"Stop it!" my heart cried out to my intellect. I sat with Belldandy, feeling an emotional impasse. She was still teary-eyed. I was too deeply in shock to cry or smile...or feel anything whatsoever.

"That must have been why she and Urd looked downcast for a moment when I mentioned that my friends back home wouldn't be contacting me right away!" I remembered my plan to open a mailbox in town so I could safely apply to N.I.T., and the intensity of Belldandy's pained expression when I hinted at contact from people at my old home.

Home.

I didn't feel like I had one. Did I ever have a home?

With my past buried in some cemetery in O'ahu and my present obscured by the confusion of my new life here, I felt empty. Like a hollowed shell picked clean by ages of erosion. My waking dream came back to me...it was like my old life had been drowned. There was a gaping hole inside of me, demanding to be filled with...something. Then I remembered the principle I had learned in recovery: that I sometimes could only learn about myself by getting outside of myself. I saw the gentle look on Belldandy's face marred by sadness and was reminded that it's not all about me...

"Belldandy, why are you so upset?" She looked at me with surprise.

"Because you are so confused and because of what happened last night." She told me the whole story. Once again, I was confronted with a different version of me. This time it was a version that had been held in check for 11 years. That couldn't have been me, going on a rampage like that.

I was incredulous. It was bad enough that I was dead to the world I had once known. Now it was even worse, because I had pushed away everyone in my 'vita novella' with my wild behavior last night. I felt even more disconnected. Belldandy must have sensed this, because she put a reassuring hand on my arm.

"Keiichi knows that it wasn't your fault. He was really worried about you this morning," she explained. Keiichi! His girlfriend Belldandy was sickened from her probe into my memory last night...this morning she was so tired that she couldn't even conjure up a spell to repair the damages to the house. The motor club guys must be freaked out of their gourds after last night. Scratch any chance to make it up to them.

Urd. Mara.

I didn't know which one I was angrier with. Urd, for forcing me to get drunk against my will. On a selfish whim. To prove some point. Or Mara, for casting Demonic chaos all over the place while aggravating Urd's tampering with my life with her own soul searing attack.

I had worked damn hard to stay clean off of drugs. Unless one has survived the hell of active addiction, they have no idea of the inside work involved in staying clean. Traumatic events triggering the desire to use drugs to escape the pain. Joyful events hearkening the need to 'celebrate' with a legal drug, such as alcohol or cigars. Cravings that would come unexpectedly, with no rhyme or reason. Those were just the initial psychological withdrawals. Then there was the spiritual void that needed to be filled. The constant attacks on self-esteem. Trying to find work without a job history or vocational skills. Being ostracized by society the minute I admitted I was an addict. Entering college with educational deficits. Never feeling that I was 'good enough.' A gnawing sense of separation what would flare into a deeply held loneliness called 'alienation'. I had lived with all of these aftereffects of drug abuse...and had managed to succeed and even excel.

Urd's actions were a sort of spiritual rape. I felt violated all over again; victimized by the 'more powerful'. Same old story...the bigger beats up the smaller. My instinct was to collapse into myself, but I couldn't even do that. I had to go on and establish my life here, irregardless of the shattered heart and will. I had a new life here...not to mention an interview tomorrow at N.I.T. I decided that I would not bother to talk to Urd, and further, to avoid her at all costs. Otherwise, I would just feel like a passenger in my own life...with an invisible "kick me" written across my forehead.

Belldandy remained a little tentative around me. I questioned whether she was giving me the whole story, as she still seemed to be holding something back. I could understand her pain somewhat. It was natural that she would react to me with fear, especially if I was acting last night in the manner she described to me. Something about Mara had really upset her last night as well, beyond the incidentals of my vandalism and foul verbal smolderings.

Skuld came out and sat quietly next to us. She seemed to visibly flinch whenever I would talk. Any progress I had made towards winning her trust had gone down the tubes in one crazy drunken raver last night. It must be hard on her, having two guys in her house, and both of them appearing to be jerks.

"I hate you," Skuld declared in a deadpan voice.

This cut me to the quick. Here was this young Goddess, staying on Earth of her own free will, to 'chaperone' her older sister and Keiichi while learning to deal with growing up. Enter someone like me into the picture and all of a sudden her innocence is besmirched with stark cruel reality. It wasn't fair to her. I wanted to leave, just for Skuld's sake, but I remembered that Urd had said that the Almighty wanted me to be here, for some unknown reason. Urd. I couldn't think of a description bad enough for her. "Bitch" doesn't even come close. I looked at Skuld and tried to say some comforting words that would stretch against the taunt elasticity of her distrust. At least by sharing my regret, I might redeem myself slightly.

"I'm so sorry, Skuld. I didn't mean any of the things I did last night."

"I still hate you!" she said adamantly as she held onto Belldandy for security.

It was a heavy blow as I realized the futility of my attempts to apologize for actions that I had no investment of volition towards, no control over whatsoever. It was as if some other person masquerading as me had created havoc in everyone's lives and had then disappeared totally...leaving me to absorb the brunt of the blame and hurt feelings.

I needed to be alone.

"Well, if you all are so keen on hating me, I might as well go to my room," I said, voicing my bitterness. With this, I walked out, seething with melancholy.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Belldandy looked at her younger sister with concern. Skuld was so delicate in disposition; any little thing could set her off. Skuld had weathered her and Keiichi's love pretty well, except for a few times when she felt overly protective towards her elder sister. Skuld was just beginning to discover her own powers right now, as well. This was an extremely awkward time for any young Goddess. Belldandy remembered how she had felt when she was Skuld's age. Confused and clumsy didn't cover the half of it. It was so frustrating to develop divine skills.

"Skuld's frustration must be manifesting in her being so direct and blunt, but her words really hurt Cevn," Belldandy reflected.

Skuld was reluctant to place all the blame on Urd, where it truly belonged. She definitely didn't trust this newcomer, not after what he had done to Banpei and the attack on Belldandy and Keiichi.

"He even attacked me," Skuld reminded herself. Not that she was always fond of Keiichi, but at least he didn't go around tossing things and hurting people, except when he was possessed. But Cevn-san wasn't possessed last night. He didn't have an excuse for how he acted.

"Or was he possessed? After all, Mara was there," Skuld noted with anger.

Keiichi and Megumi entered the dining room. Keiichi looked like he had been through "exam hell" week three times in a row. Megumi had just arrived back from her aunt and uncle's house. Her cousin, Tomohisa, was looking forward to next weekend's race. She was wide-eyed with shock as she surveyed the damage to the compound. Belldandy braced herself to have to repeat the story of last night's madness to Megumi.

Megumi silently listened. She didn't know what to think, but she felt a twinge of disbelief. She decided to check in on Cevn, and knocked on his door. She didn't believe that Cevn was evil and she knew all too well how much hate Mara could stir up. She felt a sickening feeling inside as she recalled how Mara had possessed her, making her an unwilling 'passenger' in the Demoness's plot to take vengeance on her brother and Belldandy. A captive in her own body.

Sliding the door open just a hair, she saw that Cevn was sound asleep, and then she returned to the dining room. A moment later, Urd finally emerged from her room.

"Well, if you guys are going to chew me out, just get it over with. Because I don't want you all going around thinking I screwed up or something," Urd announced testily. Her totally disheveled look caused Belldandy to pause momentarily with worry before confronting her.

"Urd, you did screw up, and big time, too!" Keiichi seriously countered, pointing towards the devastated living room with a jerk of his thumb.

"I didn't know he would act like that when he got some sake in him!" Urd defended. "Besides, Mara was there, egging things on." She smiled as she remembered all the excitement the night before and snickered under her breath.

"Urd, there is nothing funny about this at all!" Skuld scolded her older sister. "He nearly broke Banpei and he was throwing stuff at Elder Sister and Keiichi. Elder Sister nearly hurt herself dealing with it."

"Mara is to blame, you little twerp! Not me! You guys are full of it! End of discussion!"

"No! Not end of discussion!" Megumi countered. "Cevn-san must have had a reason not to drink any sake. You forced him to, from what Keiichi told me. That was wrong in the first place. People aren't toys for you to play with, Urd!"

She stopped, suddenly aware that she was talking to a Goddess, Surprised at Megumi's confrontational stance, Urd turned crimson and her eyes narrowed. Keiichi looked at his sister with dread concern.

"Don't you try anything, Urd!" Belldandy warned.

"Elder Sister, there is something unusual between you and Cevn-san. That is why the Almighty entrusted you to bring him relief. But Megumi is right; you can't tamper with people, either Gods or mortals. Look what you have put Keiichi through with your love-potions!" Belldandy noted, scowling as she remembered those infamous chapters in her life.

"Yeah, so what? I was only trying to get you two lovebirds together, which is what you both really wanted. All talk, no action, makes a boring romance...so I spiced it up. And it worked too, since you two are always fresh with each other now."

"But that is the point, dear sister. We wanted to be in love, secretly or otherwise. It already has enough 'spice'!" Belldandy challenged. Keiichi and Megumi regarded her with surprised expressions.

"But Cevn is new to our house and he didn't want to drink," Belldandy pointed out.

"What's all the concern about one mortal? It's not like he's someone special or anything!"

"Oh yeah? Then how come the Almighty is directly involved with him. Directly! You know what I think? I think you are in deep sushi, Big Sister!" Skuld shouted.

Urd's less-than-serious attitude towards this 'inquisition' dissolved instantly as she reflected on Skuld's point. She felt a sobering fear for the first time regarding last night's lunacy. Up until this point, she had alternated between being upset at everyone or not caring at all; now she was suddenly faced with the fact that she may be hoist by her own petard, so to speak.

"Okay, so I might have screwed up. Repeat...might have! But you saw how Cevn reacted. He even threw me out of my chair and tried to hit me with a sake bottle! It's his damn fault too! He's a loser and a jerk!" Urd turned on her heel and strode out of the dining room.

"That must be a first for Urd. She openly admitted that she screwed up!" Keiichi noted.

"Well, at least Cevn's being here has brought on one small change for the better," he observed with a grin, trying to lighten things up. The atmosphere remained charged, however. His joke fell flat on deaf ears.

Belldandy assured them that she would be strong enough to repair the damage tomorrow. Skuld announced that she was "80 percent" finished with her project. Megumi decided that she would go check on Cevn again. She softly kicked the wooden base of the sliding shoji with her toes and heard Cevn say "come in". She stood in the doorway and looked at him with concern.

"Cevn, you're up! How are you doing? I heard that you really had a wild time last night..."

Cevn was paging through the mysterious tome again. He put it down and motioned for Megumi to come into the room. She sat down facing him and asked how he was feeling.

"Pissed at Urd and Mara. Upset at myself for losing control. Sad that Skuld distrusts me. Worried that you and the others won't want me around you after last night."

"But it wasn't your fault, according to everyone but Urd."

"Yes, but in a way it is. I should have told you all about why I don't drink."

Megumi leaned closer and told him, "You can trust me...I'm your new little sister, remember?" The fond memories of two days ago gave comfort to Cevn and he started to explain.

"Megumi, I am a recovering addict. I haven't used any drugs or alcohol for eleven years." He watched her face carefully to see how she would react to this. Megumi looked at him impassively, not wanting to betray any sense of the shock she was feeling with his admission.

"I'm not like you and the others, I can't stop at one fix, pill or drink...or whatever." Embarrassed at the implication of his statement, he added, "Not that you guys take pills or shots, of course. There's nothing 'social' about the way that I used to take drugs. And my behavior while I was loaded could not be confined within anything that could be considered 'happy hour socializing'...er, what you guys in Japan call sakaya no kigen. When I get anything in me that'll get me loaded, I become a danger to myself and others." Megumi giggled, noting that the term I used went out with the Meiji Emperor.

"What do you mean, Cevn? You mean to say that you used to used drugs uncontrollably? Why?" she asked.

"Well, it's like...cars. They all use the same gasoline, but some cars run slow, others fast. Fast cars are more prone to get in accidents. It's not the car's fault that it goes fast...it's how the car is made. The car doesn't get to choose how it is made or who gets to drive it. So when an accident occurs, it can't be blamed on the car. I know this isn't making any sense. Hmm, maybe a better way to explain it would be to use the example of people who drive cars. Most people drive within the speed limit, or at least try to drive with an eye out for possible difficulties. Then there's some people...driving the same kinds of cars, mind you...that'll drive insanely. Without regard to risk to themselves or other drivers. I'm not referring to drivers who race competitively like your brother. I'm referring to drivers that drive like dumbasses," Cevn said as he noticed the look of confusion on Megumi's face.

"Look, I didn't choose to be a drug addict. It's not a choice one makes...it just is. Once I started using drugs, I couldn't stop. No matter how bad I wanted to. And I'm not making some kind of excuse for ruining one's life with drugs. It's just that some of us are not able to control it, just like a car can't control who drives it or how fast it goes when it gets some gasoline in it. Not all drivers are like Keiichi."

Megumi nodded. She couldn't understand all of what Cevn was saying, but she could fathom enough of it to add to her resolve that Urd was wrong to force him to be intoxicated. And that he was really a nice guy, regardless of what happened while she was away last night. She felt bad for this young man.

"Are you still going to the interview tomorrow?"

"At this point, it is the only thing I have going for me."

"Oh...I don't know about that! After all, you have all of us pulling for you...hmmm...well maybe, just some of us right now. But the others will soon forgive you, or themselves." Cevn smiled at this veiled reference to Urd.

"Thanks, Megumi. I never had a little sister, so I hope that you'll remember that you are helping me out a lot, too." Megumi flashed him a sweet smile and gave him a hug, then walked out of the room to resume her evening's studies.

Cevn looked at the stack of boxes of musical instruments in his room and sighed a heave of exhaustion.

"Not tonight. I need to get rested for tomorrow's interview." With that, he turned out the light and slept.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Urd was in her "Urd's Castle" room, feeling miserable. Confronted by the others with overwhelming evidence that she had somehow messed things up good, she had beaten a hasty retreat. She felt somewhat ashamed of her behavior the night before. But she was also mystified by it. She could drink a lot of sake, but never before had she been plastered like that since she had come to live on the Earthrealm. The only exception was during the time where she was growing younger because of lack of power, right after the Lord of Chaos disaster. It wasn't her fault that her terrestrial energy-restorer was sake. She recalled how she regressed in age and ended up in a nine year-old's body...with an accompanying loss of tolerance for the stuff.

She let her thoughts return to Cevn. Why did she force him to drink? He was a weird guy, admittedly, but this whole trip about no booze, no women...it almost seemed like a joke. But it was no joke. He went nuts after two bottles! She tried to pierce through her hazy memories of the night before.

"Lord, what did I do to him?" she said to herself as recognition dawned. She remembered how upset he was, and the full force of her folly hit her. I'm a Goddess, not a mortal...I can face the truth, she told herself. She saw Cevn seemingly taken over by some powerful force. She replayed the event in her mind, with new clarity.

"He was completely shattered by it," she thought, "and I did it to him! Or did I?" She suspected that Mara must have slipped her something to make her lose control like that. Urd knew that she often caused more problems when she applied a 'solution', but she never really did anything deadly due to an outburst of intentional malice. Also, Belldandy was usually around to stop her before she did. Urd noted with regret that she was filled with malice that night, especially after Cevn told her off.

"So maybe it wasn't me," she mused. Just then her phone rang.

"Yes?"

"It is I." Urd cringed, as she recognized the voice of the Almighty. Here it comes, she thought.

"Urd, Goddess Second Class Limited, what did you do last night to your charge? Also, I demand that you give Me a progress report!"

"M..my charge?" Urd asked innocently. The Lord wasn't mincing any words with this call, she fearfully admitted.

"Yes. The mortal, Cevn. You did offer him relief. You did arrange for him to have a wish granted. You did bring him to your house. And I especially took interest in his case, did I not."

Urd gulped and meekly answered "Yes."

"Good. Then how is it that he hasn't made a wish yet? Why is he residing at your house?"

"What!!" Urd said with downright shock. "But I...but he...but I did..." she stuttered.

The deep booming voice interrupted her.

"At least you are willing to acknowledge responsibility. But that isn't the same as taking responsibility, Urd. One more thing. Did you do something...wrong last night?" Urd dialed through her mental mede vecum of excuses, fumbling for an answer.

"I...I don't know. I forced something on him that he didn't want, but the Demon Mara was there too. I cannot remember everything clearly.

"But I do feel bad about how things turned out...and I guess I'll have to take responsibility for my actions, won't I?" she added. She heard what sounded like a snorting laugh on the other side of the phone line.

"Be that as it may. I have no choice but to suspend your license. You are restricted to using limited Earth Spirit powers until further notice. Limited in this case means one-fifth Earth Spirit level powers."

"What! But that's hardly anything..." Urd started to complain, then checked herself. She regained her composure slightly, knowing that it was futile to argue with Him. She sighed at this, then bowed.

"Yes, my Lord. August One, before You go, may I venture a question."

"Yes...I will allow it."

"What is the nature of the book that You sent to my mortal charge?"

"Book? I did not send a book."

"But..."

"Goodbye, Urd. Strive for humility in your dealings with mortals. For that matter, in all of your actions."

click

Urd was thunderstruck. License. Suspended. She put the phone down and reeled backwards. License. Suspended. Now Skuld would have the upper hand.

Keiichi and Belldandy were in the study when Urd wordlessly walked in, her eyes staring blankly into space.

"License. Suspended." she muttered before either of them could ask.

"Again?" the young couple exclaimed.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

I got up early, and meditated. Without my meditation books, I could only do a third of my meditation, it seemed. The sun had yet to rise. I wanted to be ready by 10 am. I looked at the alarm clock--it read 4:35. I tiptoed to the bath and soaked, planning all my responses to the interrogation that I knew I would be subjected to. At least the feeling of being hungover was gone. But my apprehension was just beginning.

I looked in the mirror and practiced interview faces. I paced around in my room a bit, then strove to remember my Japanese. With several thousand kanji and verbal fluency under my belt, I could do okay by JET program standards. But this wasn't a JET high school internship. It was a long shot.

Breakfast was quiet. Megumi and Keiichi both gave me a vote of confidence on my choice of dress for the interview, saying that I looked 'professorial'...whatever that was. Urd looked dejected.

"Good for her," I thought. "She deserves it after what she did to me."

Megumi started to tell me what little she knew about the Dean of Faculty and the President of the Institute. I'm sure most of it was hearsay, as faculty at that level rarely interact with students. But I feigned interest, playing along just to make her feel better.

I decided to leave the temple before either Keiichi or Megumi left for school. I planned to walk to N.I.T. The eight-kilometer walk would take about an hour and a half, and I could take in some sights and calm myself along the way. I was hoping that my sojourn would be something like a Zen walk. I had always dreamed of living in Japan: now that I was here, I wanted to 'live and breathe' my new home. I started out of the temple gate and strolled down the streets Keiichi had designated on the hand-drawn map he gave me. On the left about two kilos down the road was a park, with rows of hot tea and coffee machines. Further along was the small old downtown district with some 10 story high-rises and lines of shops getting ready to open. I knew from Keiichi that N.I.T. was bordering the downtown area, on an old W. airstrip. I was surprised how compacted everything was, the houses and shops crowded together in thin rows lining slender streets.

I turned left down a narrow street, and saw a sign that read "Psychiatrist and Therapist. Specializing in Depression and Abuse Issues." I jotted down the address as I passed by, and then walked onto the wide avenue that bordered N.I.T.

The gate to N.I.T. was crowded with students. The whole campus was a bustle of activity, scholarly and otherwise. Most of the students looked well off, as I observed many BMWs, Lexus' and Mazda Miatas in the student parking lot. This gave me a deeper appreciation of Keiichi and Megumi, as neither were "rich kids" and no doubt had to struggle with their affluent schoolmates in the social structure of the college. Not to mention having to earn their way into N.I.T. by excellence of academics, rather than by the "good old boy" network that dominated so many technical colleges.

I went up to the Admin. Building and introduced myself. I didn't have a meishi, so I wrote one out on a paper for the secretary. After a half-hour of waiting, a lean wizened man dressed very formally in a tailored black silk suit came out. He introduced himself as Dr. Kintaro, President of the Institute. After exchanging greetings, he ushered me into a room with four other men. They sat at a long desk, while I sat at a chair in the middle of the room. The room was furnished very elegantly, with a Western flair for boardroom design and tall stacks of leather-bound texts. I felt like I was on trial in a 17th Century 'Star Chamber'. I had been feeling on trial a lot, lately.

"Cevn, if I may call you by your first name, this resume is handwritten. May you explain why you didn't bother to type it?" the Dean of Faculty asked sternly.

"I hand-wrote it so that you would not only be able to appraise my Nihongo, but also so that you would see that my calligraphy is legible. Humanities being a course of study that involves intensive written commentary on the part of the instructor on student papers, I wanted you to know my handwriting could be read and understood by your students." One good thing about being a recovering addict, I can certainly be a good bullshitter when I needed to.

"That's a good excuse for not having a word processor!" Dr. Kintaro said with a chuckle. The others laughed as I dismally noticed how my first impression had just majorly flopped.

"This is true, but please be aware that I just arrived in Japan a few days ago...I haven't even unpacked yet!" I replied.

"How much Japanese do you know?" Dr. Kintaro queried.

I explained to them that I studied 4 years of Japanese at the university level and 2 at the graduate level. Several faces seemed to frown at this, until I added that I was considered also fluent in Chinese, Latin, Greek, Spanish, Italian, and passable in Russian and German. The panel asked me a number of questions about Japan in an effort to determine my level of fluency. After this, Dr. Kintaro pointed out the note board in the corner of the room by inclining his head and invited me to demonstrate my written skills.

I browsed through the shelves of books on the far wall, selecting a passage out of the Nihon Shoki and translated it verbally into several languages. This strained every brain cell I had, as translating it from classical Chinese to Japanese to Greek to English was a difficult task, especially considering the cultural context of the Nihonji. By going to the root text of Japanese culture and history, I was hoping that my historical and psychological skills would curry a favorable impression in the notice of these savants.

Then I wrote the translation in each language I knew. While I was writing the Cyrillic translation, one of the professors asked me, "Is that Greek?"

"No sir, this is modern Russian." Dr. Kintaro shot the professor a sharp glance as I continued.

Dr. Kintaro was nonplussed, but several other faculty members were clearly impressed. He asked about other subjects, and I gave them the lowdown on my scholarships, achievements in Psychology, Philosophy and History, and my published work. Then he asked, "Why don't you have your Ph.D.?"

I stumbled over this answer, but explained that I was almost finished. I told them that I had designed the doctoral program myself, so that it would include influences from several disciplines. As such, I was exploring terra incognito. Then he turned to ethics.

"What do you feel is the role of a humanities faculty at a technical college?" asked the Dean of Student Affairs, a rotund man with a seemingly kindly face otherwise made severe by the interview process.

"I don't know, sir. But I sense that..."

The five men scrutinized me closely. I didn't want to simply offer a derivative answer based on John Dewey or Bertrand Russell. Instead, I went from the gut. I explained that the study of humanities was intended to round out the education of young scientists and engineers so that they could appreciate more deeply their work and themselves. Dr. Kintaro stared at me with an unreadable expression. After this, the committee excused me.

I looked up at the clock: it was 11:40! I had been in there over an hour and a half. At noon, the five men piled out of the room. Dr. Kintaro called me into his office.

"Before I retire for lunch, I felt it necessary to inform you that the opening is closed as of now..." I slumped slightly in on the couch, "...if you desire to take the position. If you accept, you will immediately assume Yamashita-sensei's three classes for the remainder of this term. For the next school year, you will instruct a fourth class in a subject as yet to be determined. In addition, you will also serve in an adjunct capacity as a school counselor, based on your psychology degree. We will require you to teach Greek and Latin starting in the fall for fifth and sixth classes. Not too many Japanese technical institutes of N.I.T.'s stature can offer a course of study in these languages. This would be a feather in our cap, and would demonstrate that N.I.T. is invested in Western classical studies. If you would comply with these extra requirements to your staff duty portfolio, the position is yours."

I had the job!! At least this day was going to be okay. Politely, I assured him that I accepted the position, and that I would be available immediately. He stood up, shook my hand, and welcomed me into the world of N.I.T.

"By the way, I wish to remind you to complete your Ph.D. by the end of this school year. Not in the next few weeks when the school year is over, of course, but by next spring!"

I thought to myself, "How am I going to do this when my entire advisory faculty in Hawaii thinks I'm dead or never even existed?" In consternation over this latest development, I found my mind racing to consider the options, which seemed sadly limited. Oddly enough, I felt confident that my transcripts would find their way to N.I.T., despite the 'disappearance' of many other aspects of my life.

After a short wait, a middle-aged woman dressed in a navy blue kimono arrived in the reception area and I spent the next several hours on a walking tour of the Institute. She turned out to be Dr. Kintaro's niece, a professor of Calculus at the school. While we were walking, she confided to me that her uncle was extremely impressed with my academic credentials and my language skills.

As we strolled through N.I.T., I could distinguish two parts of the campus. A red brick wall surrounded the campus environs, segregating it from the outside. There were two distinctive patterns of architecture, which I termed the 'old campus' and the 'modern campus'. The 'old campus' consisted of a collection of mid-Meiji-era buildings clustered closely together on the north end of the campus. I silently hoped that I would be working among this group of buildings. A large athletics field was located east of these buildings. In the middle of the campus were the campus and student centers, plus a tightly grouped set of buildings and portables. South of these was the 'modern' part of the campus, including the usual impersonally designed large buildings. My guide pointed out with pride the various labs housed in these buildings. The student body seemed to be almost all Japanese; I didn't seem too many exchange students or other gaijin. I attracted a lot of stares in my dress blazer and my combed back long hair.

That afternoon, I visited a flower stall, bought a floral set and vase, and went to the hospital to visit Yamashita-sensei, the man whose position I was replacing. He was in good spirits, happy to have survived his heart attack and responding well to the triple bypass surgery he had.

"If he only knew that he was talking to a dead man, at least dead to people in Hawaii and the US," I thought.

Mr. Yamashita told me of his life in Japan. I sat captivated with his tales of the reconstruction after WW II, the political turmoil of the 1960's and 70's, the economic boom of the 80's, the collapse of the 'bubble economy' in the 90s, and the economic stability of the first few years of the 21st century. He was proud of his two sons and daughter, who were finishing up their graduate schoolwork. As I listened, it was obvious that this man had felt isolated as a humanities professor in a school that stressed science and technology. He warned me about several faculty members and then told me that he was going to retire from teaching and spend more time with his wife as they waited for grandchildren to join his family. He was impressed with my tale of the interview and thanked me for visiting him. I told him it was the least I could do...that I wanted to wish him well in his recuperation and also make sure that I could fill his job at N.I.T. with his blessing. We engaged in some talk about recent events in China, and then his wife came in, which was my signal to return home.

Home.

I was actually considering the little temple compound as home.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Shortly after everyone had left for school, Skuld had engaged herself with the task of repairing Banpei-kun. She disassembled his 'head' and made some modifications to his visual sensors. She still wondered why neither Banpei or mini-Banpei recognized Cevn-san when he first came to the temple. She wanted to make sure that Banpei's sensory apparatus was in top condition...she didn't trust Cevn-san at all at the moment.

"Maybe he is a new kind of Demon, one that Banpei couldn't distinguish," she thought. After this, she pulled out her mallet and softly tapped out the dent in Banpei's face, rounding it out so that it was good as new. She applied a metallic white color to him. She liked her new powers: pasting word's on Urd's face was fun, but being able to manipulate surface colors was very useful. She was more than happy to be relieved of having to paint whatever she created. She just simply thought "metallic white" and Banpei's face turned that color.

"Cool!!" she said out loud.

Belldandy had kept her company while she repaired Banpei. She assisted with the upgrades to his detection circuits. She wanted her younger sister to feel secure again in her own home; Skuld was already uppity enough as it was. After Banpei was operational again, she enlisted Skuld's aid in repair the damages. Bell could have done this herself, but by inviting Skuld to help, she was hoping that this would show Skuld that the recent trauma could be undone...and that Skuld could also have a say in the household stuff. After all, the house was pretty much already established in design and function when Skuld arrived. Belldandy thought that allowing Skuld a little say in the living room design would make her feel more 'at home'.

Skuld made some outlandish suggestions, like an ice cream machine in the corner of the living room, and a quantum gate (for 'decoration' no less! Belldandy noted with astonishment) on one wall of the room. After Belldandy vetoed several initial ideas, Skuld became more practical in her suggestions. She wanted more sunlight and different colored ceiling beams. Belldandy created two sun windows in the ceiling and enlarged the living room windows. Then she created dark brown wood ceiling beams to frame the ceiling. In all, the final effect was an improvement in the atmosphere of the living room. She asked Skuld if she thought Keiichi would notice the subtle changes.

"He better notice!" she replied.

Keiichi arrived late in the afternoon. He and the motor club members had been working on the construction of their solar racer for this weekend's race. He set down his tool kit, pulled off his shoes, and walked into the main room.

"Something looks different here," he noted.

Belldandy bounded up and gathered her kiss and cuddle from Keiichi. She excitedly took him by the hand and sat him down next to her on the couch and told him about Skuld's suggestions.

Skuld scolded her, "You were supposed to wait until he noticed, Big Sister!" Keiichi smiled at the young Goddess.

"She didn't give me time, Skuld, but I noticed right away!" Keiichi loved it when he and Belldandy were seated against each other. She would rest her head on his shoulder and nuzzle up on his neck, sometimes kissing him softly there. Despite Urd's insistent meddling and his own hormones, he still hadn't seen Belldandy nude, except by accident a couple of times.

Keiichi had often imagined what having sex with her would be like. He frequently reminded himself during these flights of fantasy that she was a Goddess, and the experience might be totally different than what he could ever imagine. Having Belldandy nestled next to him felt real enough, perhaps making love with her would feel just as 'normal'. When they kissed, it was just like kissing a human woman. But Keiichi was perpetually concerned that he could somehow alienate things by 'crossing the line' and adding sex to his relationship with Bell. He was a man who respected his partner enough to not allow his lust to blindly rule his senses. As a result, he was unexpectedly rewarded with a deep emotional bond with Belldandy. Instead of feeling horny around her, as he did earlier on in their relationship during moments like this where they were cuddling on the couch, now he felt 'warm' instead. He was so happy to be in love with his Belldandy.

They were still seated, holding hands and leaning back into the soft fabric of the futon-couch when Megumi had come home. She had stayed late with her softball team. Again this year, she had been struggling to organize one, as there was no faculty sponsor or established team. She now had a dozen girls who consistently showed up to practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Once she made it 'official' by getting a faculty sponsor, she could work on setting up games with other technical institutes. It was hard making room for softball in the already-crowded schedule at N.I.T., but her friends on the team were enthusiastic for the most part.

Skuld came up to her and asked if she noticed anything different about the room. Megumi paused, then noted the different ceiling and windows. Skuld proudly told her that the changes were her idea. Megumi looked around approvingly, then went to the kitchen to fix her dinner.

Occasionally, Belldandy didn't cook for the group. She sensed that a break in the routine every once in a while would be good: so every week, she would take a night off. Tonight was such a night; it was especially apropos as she was tired from her exertions to repair the house. She wanted nothing more than to have a good talk with Keiichi and feel his caresses.

The sun was setting as Cevn walked in the temple entrance. He noticed that Banpei had been repaired and that the place looked somehow less daunting than before. He stopped at the doorway to the temple building that served as his new residence, said a silent prayer and caught his breath.

Inside, Skuld was eating some mochi sweets as she surveyed Belldandy's repairs to the living room. She was seated on a couch, stroking Pho' who was seated on her lap, purring with pleasure.

Cevn came in last, looking in better spirits than he had in past days. He went to his room and changed into a tee shirt and jeans, and went back into the living room. Megumi sensed by his happy spirits that his interview went well. Cevn told them that he was now officially an instructor at N.I.T. and he would start in two days. Megumi was happy with this news, while Keiichi seemed to take it with a hint of wariness. Megumi observed that the others were still pretty shook up from last weekend, and that they were obviously nervous around Cevn. She made a mental note to ask Cevn to sponsor her softball team in the next couple of weeks, as school would be breaking for the summer next month.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

I decided to approach Keiichi to elicit any useful suggestions he could offer about my status in the house. I had felt outcast and depressed as soon as I returned home, even though I had good news. I was daunted by his less-than-enthusiastic response to the fact that I was hired at N.I.T. I wondered what was fueling his thoughts. After spending a couple of peaceful hours with Belldandy, Keiichi had gone to his study and was hard at work on his schoolwork.

I knocked on the sliding door.

"Keiichi, you have a few moments?" He assented and I slid the door open, entered, and shut it.

"Thanks for your time. I have been feeling really...tweaked the past couple of days around here."

"Tweaked? What does that mean?"

"It's a term we use to indicate...well in my case, it means that I feel like everyone is walking on eggshells here and it's mostly my fault."

"Well, it's not every weekend that a maniac wrecks my house," he said in a grim low voice.

I winced at this. Keiichi noticed and softened the blow.

"I know that it was not your fault, but you should have seen yourself. We were so freaked out, and you were tossing stuff at us." He shuddered a little at the memory.

"Look, I feel really bad about all this. I come to your house as a guest and then you offer me a chance to live here. Last weekend, I feel like I blew any chance of being accepted in this house. Now I feel like an intruder." Keiichi looked thoughtful for a moment.

"But you aren't an intruder. I guess I've been pretty hard on you since last weekend. It really wasn't your fault! You paid us generously, you've been trying to be nice to us...I could imagine that this is quite different from Hawaii or the US. Hey man, you should relax a little!"

That was an understatement!

"I appreciate your empathy, Keiichi. Being that you're the only other guy here, I'm going to need to rely on you from time to time to deal with all these women!"

"I know what that is like, for sure dude!" Keiichi replied, smiling at my remark.

"I've completely alienated Skuld, and Urd...well, I don't feel like being in the same room as her."

"I don't blame you. I would be seeking revenge right at this moment if she did something to me like she did to you. I know firsthand what it is like to be the target of her mischief!" He related how she had tried to give him a love-potion which only turned out to cause turmoil between Belldandy and he, as he 'fell' for Sayoko by accident. Belldandy was resigned to leave at that point; somehow, the power of his love for her offset the potion and things got back to normal.

"That's messed up, Keiichi. What is it with her?"

"She acts before thinking, and she has this huge sense of pride! A lot of her hair-brained schemes seemed be to hatched by some deviant streak of hers."

"Why does she drink so much sake?" Keiichi rolled his eyes. "Each Goddess has a mundane energy source. Why this is, I don't exactly know. They got power from Yggdrasil, but yet each one has to get some strength from something earthly. Thank God, Bell-chan only has to drink tea. I don't know if I could put up with her drinking sake like Urd does!" We both laughed at this.

"But it's kinda funny in a weird way that she got drunk like that last weekend. I have seen her drink loads of sake and get tipsy, but not raging drunk. She usually just gets quiet and goes to her room. And now that Yggdrasil is online, those three have constant access to power; they don't have to depend hardly at all on their earthly powerup sources. I think that Skuld eats a lot of ice cream because she likes it, just like Belldandy has to have her Darjeeling tea at each meal. But Urd...there's something else about her and booze."

"Yeah, like an addiction," I thought resentfully. But I remembered that Urd was not a 'cute' drunk, even if she was a 'cute' Goddess. If she was a mortal, she would have been dead or locked up, or maybe even standing on some street corner by now, the way she downs the stuff. Not to mention that it waxed very strange that a divinity could be addicted to anything.

"Maybe the Gods are more like us than we could imagine, or the other way around," I reflected out loud.

"I often wonder about that myself," Keiichi replied.

"Hmm, but what can I do to feel accepted by you guys after that nightmare episode last weekend?"

"With Skuld, it'll take time. Just let her be, and she'll work through it. Belldandy has felt a little of what you went through that night, so I have a hunch that she understands. I think the whole Mara thing has shook her up far worse than anything you ever did. Urd...is just Urd. You were lucky Megumi wasn't here. The guys in the club...don't worry about them. I'll think up some half-witted explanation and they'll all buy into it. Besides, I think they like you anyway, I know that a couple of them thought your outburst was rad. At least the ones you didn't toss something at."

Great. They value the maniac in me.

"Keiichi, I need to tell you about the whole trip with me and sake." With that, I explained to him about my recovery and that I was really bad off with drugs in my early teen years until I got clean. He seemed to understand what I was saying, and I awaited his verdict.

He told me that he couldn't judge me harshly because of my past and that he could now see why I didn't want to drink, because of how I ended up the other night. He said that I seemed to be 'unsafe at any speed' if I was loaded.

"I don't know if I should tell you this, but Mara said something about you either killing us, or we'll have to kill you. Bell-chan was very upset by that, and I'm not too comfortable with it either. Skuld heard it too."

"Then I can see why you guys see me as a threat. Let me tell you straight up Keiichi, that I do not wish any harm to come to you or anyone else, and that I will not hurt anyone deliberately. Mara would have to possess me to cause that...I would fight her every inch of the way."

Keiichi looked at me and put a hand on my shoulder and said that he felt better now that we talked. I thanked him and said that I would leave him so he could get back to his homework.