Artemis Fowl Fan Fiction ❯ Employee of the Month ❯ Alcoholics Anonymous Worker ( Chapter 9 )

Artemis tapped his fingers impatiently against his desk, and waited for the phone to ring. It did, and he picked it up, sighing mournfully, before arranging his face and tone into a suitably sympathetic expression. “Hello, Alcoholics Anonymous. How may I help you?” He heard sniffling on the other side. “Is… Is this Artemis Fowl?” Slightly shocked, he nodded. His fame had grown in the last few years, but he was still slightly surprised that he was internationally recognized. Realizing the she couldn't hear a nod, he vocalized it for her, “Yes, this is I.”

 

She sniffled again, “Oh good, I though I would never be able to get you!” He hid a sigh of disappointment - he was nearly always sitting right in front of this phone. “I kept picking up the phone, dialing your number, and just hanging up! I couldn't stand it!” Artemis nearly growled. He had recently been having a slight problem with those horrible prank callers, who, apparently, had been this very woman. Sounding as polite as he could force himself to, he replied, “Well, what seems to be the problem?”

 

Apparently, that was the wrong question to ask, in her delicate state. She broke down, and choked out, between sobs, “I… My husband… He has been having slight issues, and… I think he's drinking….” Artemis gaped at the phone, “You think? You mean you don't know?” The woman replied nervously, “I've never seen anyone drunk before, so it's hard to tell…” She trailed off, dazed.

 

He took up a harder tone, “Well, this is a site called `Alcoholics Anonymous.' Generally, it is meant for the drunkards themselves, not their wives. If you truly wish for help, then please call another number, or just ask your husband to call me himself.” He heard a slight gasp, then silence, and closed his eyes in satisfaction. “Please feel free to call again anytime if you have anything more to ask of us here at Alcoholics Anonymous. We are truly thankful for you call!” Without further ado, he quietly hung up on her, and tossed the phone at the wall. Thankfully, it didn't break.

 

Across the hall, Juliet glared at him. “You do realize that we are supposed to be helping the poor people?” Artemis stretched, and then glared right back. “You do realize that we are supposed to be robbing them, yet are stuck here sweet talking until we can get enough information?” Juliet rolled her eyes, and then picked up one of the dozens of phones sitting on her desk, “Yes… This is I… Oh, how sad! Come, please tell me about it!” Artemis glared at her lack of conscientiousness, but then blew out a lengthy sigh. After all, he was no better. The bright green phone was ringing again…