Azumanga Daioh Fan Fiction ❯ The Tao of Osaka-sensei ❯ Start the Year Right! ( Chapter 1 )

THE TAO OF OSAKA-SENSEI

An Azumanga Daioh Fanfiction

by Michael Hopcroft

 

Episode 1: Start the Year Right

 

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Azumanga Daioh. That is owned by Kiyohiko Azuma and his representatives, ADV Manga and ADV Films. ittle

 

1. Driving

 

Minamo Kurosawa knocked on the door of the Tanizaki residence yet again. “Yukari! What's keeping you? If you don't come over here right now I will leave without you!”

 

Yukari opened the door, looking a mess. Minamo recognized the slightly disheveled clothes, the hair slightly out of place, and the redness in the eyes as signs that her fellow teacher was battling a severe hangover. “Nyamo, don't threaten me like that, OK? And what gives you the right to look so composed on a day like this?”

 

“Consuming about a third of the amount of beer you did. Now come on, it's a staff day. I'm just glad you don't have to face the new class looking like that.”

 

“I look fine!” Yukari stumbled over to Nyamo's car and opened the driver's side door. Nyamo immediately rushed her over to the passenger side. “What did you do that for?”

 

“Reason 1: it's my car. Reason 2: I usually prefer to show up for work alive. Honestly!” Fortunately it was a short drive to the school. “I wonder who they got for the new art teacher?” Nyamo asked.

 

“Riki-sensei's leaving?”

 

“Don't you remember? After the graduation ceremony she told us she was leaving to have her baby and become a housewife after her husband got that promotion. Don't you remember?”

 

“I never used to hang around with her. All she talked about was how wonderful her husband was. Still, if some gorgeous young guy takes over for her I'll be happy.”

 

After they pulled into the school parking lot, Nyamo shook her head. “We don't have that kind of luck.”

 

2. The new teacher

 

The headmaster greeted Nyamo and Yukari as they entered the building. “Yukari, I thought I'd let you know about the new art teacher. I thought you in particular would like to know about her.”

 

Yukari shrugged her shoulders. “If she's a woman, you've just told me all I needed to know.”

 

“We were lucky to get her. She's just graduated and gotten her license, and she's one of your former students.”

 

“MY students?”

 

“Yes. From your graduating class of four years ago. Ayumu Kasuga.”

 

“I don't remember any Ayumu Kasuga in my class. There must be a mistake.”

 

Nyamo placed her chin her her hand thoughtfully. “Kasuga. The name rings a bell.”

 

“You must be thinking of Kagura, that swimmer.” Yukari said, trying to be helpful. “I must admit that was a coup, getting her into my class.”

 

“Is she already here?” Nyamo asked. “I'd like to see her again.”

 

“Of course, she's right over here.” The headmaster motioned into the distance. “Kasuga-kun! You remember Yukari-sensei and Kurosawa-sensei, don't you?”

 

A voice with a slight hint of kansai and and wisp of distance could heard. “You mean Nyamo? Of course.”

 

Nyamo smiled. “That voice.”

 

Yukari blanched visibly. “No. It' can't be. It can't possibly be...”

 

A young woman walked up to the group, smiling vacantly. “It has been a long time. I hope you'll be nice senpais for me.” she said, bowing politely. Yukari suddenly grasped the horrible truth of her situation.

 

“OSAKA! You're Osaka!”

 

“Students calling me that is going to be a bit odd. Do you mind, Headmaster?”

 

Yukari reached for the headmaster, and Nyamo was able to catch her before she could reach the lapel she was grabbing for. “Yukari, are you all right?”

 

'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR EVER LOVING BLUE-EYED MIND?” Yukari cried. “How could you do this to me, Headmaster? Is this some kind of a sick joke? How could you hire OSAKA?”

 

Osaka said “Well, first I sent in the application, and then I did the interview. Isn't that how you were hired?”

 

“Miss Kasuga get very good marks in teaching college and displayed a sound knowledge of her subject matter. Besides, I seem to distinctly recall giving a chance to a certain English teacher whose own high school performance was, shall we say, less than stellar.” the headmaster added. “Do you understand me?”

 

Nyamo extended her right hand, still restraining Yukari with her left arm. “Welcome back, Osaka. I hope everything works out for you here.”

 

“I hope so too. And before the meeting, I wanted to thank you so much, Yukari-senpai. Without you I wouldn't be here. Thanks.”

 

“No good deed goes unpunished.” Yukari muttered under her breath.

 

3. Doodles

 

The staff meeting was long and, even by staff meeting standards, dull. After Osaka and the other new teachers (there were two others, a veteran history teacher and a math teacher who looked like she had stepped out of a Victorian novel) had introduced themselves, the headmaster had gone into a long lecture and briefing. Nyamo knew that everything he was saying was covered in the employee manual, so she didn't think too much about it. She noticed that Yukari was trying her best to look attentive and alert despite being at least half asleep.

 

She looked over to where Osaka was sitting. She had half expected her to also be asleep, but Osaka had a notepad in front of her and a pencil that was moving constantly. Nyamo thought back to her first staff meeting, where Kimura-senpai had told her she would have to take careful notes and that there would be a test later. It had been a hazing, of course, but she hadn't known that at the time.

 

After an hour the headmaster finally stopped talking and began meeting with the various teachers individually. Yukari jarred herself into wakefulness and looked over at Osaka. She then turned to Nyamo. “She was taking notes?”

 

“I thought I told Kimura not to do that to the rookies.” Nyamo said.

 

Yukari walked over to Osaka's desk. “Can I see your notes?” she said, suppressing a giggle very badly.;

 

“What notes?” Osaka asked. “Nobody told me to take notes. Should I have? That could be awkward.”

 

“Then what were you doing?” Nyamo asked.

 

“Well, the Headmaster was talking about all this stuff, but I seemed to recall having read it before. So I guess I started doodling.”

 

Yukari cried “Doodling? You never doodled in my class!”

“I'm sorry. If you'd let me know you wanted me to.....”

 

Nyamo looked at the drawing over Osaka's shoulder. “Not bad. That's Link, isn't it?”

 

“Yep. The adult Link from the new game.”

 

Yukari looked startled. “You mean the one that came out a few months back? Great game! Don't you think?”

 

“I liked it. This is from the Zelda game that's coming out next year, though.”

 

“Next year? Ther4e's a new Zelda game coming out next year - and wait a minute, how the hell would a rookie teacher know about it?”

 

Osaka smiled. “I have connections.”

 

“Connections?” Yukari looked at Osaka oddly. “Do i really want to know?” A wicked grin spread across her face. “Hell yeah, I want to know! Tell me! Who do you know at Nintendo?”

 

Osaka smiled. “Well, you know how expensive apartments are in this part of town?”

 

“I don't know what that has to do with it, but yeah.”

 

“Well, I'm making a rookie teacher's salary. No way could I afford it without a roommate. Good thing I have Taka. Taka lives in my apartment and pays a share of the rent, the utilities, the food, everything. And Taka works as a CGI animator in the video game industry, and makes a lot more than I do. It's really swell.”

 

“And what's in it for Taka? I mean, having to live with you?”

 

“Taka likes having me around. Says I'm a great source of ideas.”

 

Nyamo smiled. “Sounds like a good arrangement then.”

 

“And I wouldn't be here if Taka hadn't tutored me so much in college, teaching me how to draw properly and everything.”

 

“Sounds like a really nice girl, Osaka.” Nyamo said. “I bet you guys much have a lot of fun.”

 

“We do and - wait a minute. When did I say Taka was a girl?”

 

Nyamo began to stammer. “Well, Taka has to be a nickname, so i figured it was Takako or something.”

 

“Takako would be a silly name. It's really Takashi.”

 

“Takashi's a guy's name, Osaka. You mean.....”

 

“And it really suits him.”

 

Yukari slammed her fist on Osaka's desk. “Wait a minute - your roommate is a guy?!? You live with a guy?!?”

 

“Either that or Taka had a really good surgeon. He sure looks like a guy to me.”

 

“And they hired you? What is this world coming to?”

 

Nyamo grabbed Yukari by the shoulder. “Calm down! They don't have that kind of a morals clause in our contracts at this school. Have you forgotten about Kitokura in 2-4?”

 

“What about him?”

 

“Don't you remember him coming out two years ago? If this school won't fire a teacher for being gay, they certainly won't fire one for cohabiting.”

 

Osaka looked puzzled. “Cohabiting? Is that what it's called?”

 

“And what do you call it?”

 

“Saving money. Otherwise we'd have to keep two apartments and commute back and forth, and that'd be expensive.”

 

“So you have a boyfriend? You are so lucky.” Nyamo said.

 

“Yeah. Really lucky. I couldn't afford an apartment in walking distance without one.”

 

Afters

 

The day was over. “Just think,” Nyamo told Osaka, “in three days you get a real class. Are you excited?”

“Yeah. It'll be good.”

 

Yukari shrugged her shoulders. “I feel sorry for Class 1-4 this year.”

 

“That's my class.' Osaka said.

 

“For once she catches on.” Suddenly Yukari got a wicked twinkle in her eye. “Nyamo, we need to take care of afters.”

 

“Afters?” Nyamo looked puzzled for a moment, and then recognition dawned. Terrible, horrifying recognition. “Yukari, no! Absolutely not!”

 

“Why not? Don't you see, this is the perfect opportunity to show Osaka the ways of the world!”

 

“We are not taking Osaka out on a drinking party! Honestly, what are you thinking?”

 

“What kind of a grownup could she possibly be if she won't drink with her co-workers?”

 

“Uh...” a small voice piped in, ignored.

 

“You have some sort of a scheme in mind, don't you? You're planning to haze her, aren't you? So have some trick in store for Osaka, don't you?”

 

“No trick. Besides, would I play a joke on a co-worker?”

 

“In a heartbeat!”

 

“Guys, I'm right here, you know.”

 

Yukari grabbed Osaka's hands. “You will go out with us, won't you? Celebrate your ascension to the working world and all that?”

 

“Sure. Taka's not expecting me home for a while. And I'll call him to let me know where I'll be.”

 

Nyamo shouted out “Don't do it! It's a trick!”

 

“It's all right, Nyamo-senpai. What's the use of a trap if you don't walk in?”

 

“I thought the idea was to not walk into traps.”

 

“What's the fun in that?”

 

Choice of Beverages

 

Yukari led Osaka into the bar with a wicked smile on her face. Nyamo followed, her look a bit more worried.

 

“So this is one of your favorite bars,” Osaka said.

 

Yukari took a seat. “OK, here's the deal. We are here to do some serious drinking. And I don't think you can handle it, Osaka, so I'm going to make a little wager.”

 

“Wager?”

 

“Sure. First one to pass out pays the whole bill. Drinks, food, everything. And pays all our cab fare home.”

 

“But how can someone pay for all that if they're passed out?”

 

“we each have 10,000-yen notes from the ATM in our handbags, right? The loser gets the cash taken out of her handbag, and the winner returns what isn't spent. You'll take that bet, won't you, Osaka?”

 

Nyamo sputtered “Yukari, you are out of your mind! There's no way Osaka can take a bet like that! She's eight years younger than we are!”

 

“I can do it,” Osaka said. “Sounds like a nice chance to get some free drinks.”

 

Yukari smiled. “You won't be so confident when you're on your third beer!”

 

“Oh, I don't drink beer. Can't stand the taste. I'll be drinking something else.”

 

“Nothing non-alcoholic counts!”

 

“Oh, that's not a problem. I think I'll he having tequila.”

 

Nyamo stared at Osaka in shock. “Tequila? Osaka, that's about the strongest liquor there is! There's no way you can handle it! Yukari, call this stupid bet off this instant, or so help me....”

 

“It's OK,” Osaka said. “besides, cab rides are part of the deal, right?”

 

“You're on!' Yukari cried. “barkeep, two tequilas!”

 

Nyamo sputtered. “You're drinking tequila too?”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because a shot of tequila costs about four times as much as a beer! You can't afford it!”

 

“No way am I paying for these drinks, Nyamo, so don't worry about it. Look at this slip of a girl! How much liquor could she possibly hold?”

 

Forty-five minutes and five shots of tequila later, Yukari was quietly snoring with her head on the table. Nyamo, who was drinking beer, looked across the table with her head slightly wobbling. “You hokay, Hosaka?”

 

Osaka knocked back her seventh shot of tequila. “Yeah, but I feel a little fuzzy. Sort of like I'm watching myself from a distance. How's Yukari?”

 

“Out cold. I don't think you could wake her up with a cannon. Serves her right too.”

 

Osaka woozily reached into her handbag and took out her cell phone. “Better call the cab,” she said, “and get us home. I've had all the drinking I want, what about you?”

 

“Sounds good to me,” Nyamo replied. She then opened Yukari's handbag and took out two 10,000-yen bills. “This'll be a good lesson for Yukari.”

 

“But who would have taken out the money if I'd lost?” Osaka asked.

 

“Yukari, probably. I wouldn't have touched it.”

 

The next morning Nyamo's phone rang at about four in the morning. “Moshi-moshi?” Nyamo asked sleepily.

 

“Nyamo,” came Yukari's voice on the other end of the phone connection, “could you please tell me how the hell I got home last night? And why my head feels like a pair of elephants are playing tug-of-war with my brain? And why there's only 7,200 yen in my bag instead of 20,000?”

 

“You're the one who made the stupid bet and tried to match Osaka shot for shot. I told you it was a bad idea.”

 

“You mean I LOST? I LOST? How the Hell is that possible?”

 

“Ow! Don't shout, Yukari, my head isn't exactly a little slice of paradise right now either. You just have to face the fact that Osaka has a decent capacity for alcohol. And that we both have to show up at work this morning with hangovers.”

 

“Yeah, well I bet she's going to have the worst hangover of any of us. She's going to be utterly miserable this morning, and that will be my one consolation.”

 

A few hours later Yukari and Nyamo had arrived in the teachers' lounge for their staff day each holding their heads. “Did Osaka drink more than I did?” Yukari asked. “You can tell me.”

 

“I think she had two more shots.”

 

“Ha! Her hangover is going to be really epic! I can't wait to see it.”

 

A chipper voice chimed in from the door. “Good morning! What a great day!” Osaka walked in and gave her tow senpais a good look over. “You two don't look so good.”

 

“Wait a minute? You drank more than we did, Osaka. You have to be miserable! It's required!”

 

“I don't like to do stuff that'll make me miserable,” Osaka said. “Why would you want me to?”

 

Nyamo gaped. “You mean you don't have a hangover after drinking seven shots of tequila?”

 

“No, I don't have a hangover right now. I don't get them often.”

 

Yukari moaned and staggered to her desk. “This is going to be a long, long year.” she said.

 

TO BE CONTINUED