Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Forgiven ❯ My Immortal ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter 3

(My Immortal)

Rukia Kuchiki stood in the middle of the road, wondering what this stranger wanted now. she was in a foul mood ever since their visit this morning, and she was not going to go through another questioning session again, specially with this person. Without thinking twice, she turned her back to him and walked away:" There's nothing to talk about. I already told you everything I know."

She heard his footsteps following behind her, but did not care. Then she heard him speak with a tone of urgency: " It's not about that."

" I don't wanna talk about last night either.", she answered as she continued walking without sparing him a single glance.

" Kuchiki-san, if you'd just listen for a minuet. How about I give you a ride? we can talk on the way there." It was when he walked past her and stood in front of her, blocking her way, that she looked at him. " I have something to tell you."

Whatever he wanted to say, it seemed to matter a lot to him. she stared into his amber eyes, hoping to get a clue to whatever he wanted to say, but she found nothing. The way he was looking at her was strange. She clearly remembered that he did not have that look when she first met him. Then again, her memory of that day was a bit hazy for she was not sober enough. There was something about that look that made her want to know. she wanted to avoid talking to him at all costs for it felt awkward. However, she seemed to have a strange habit of giving away whatever occupied her mind whenever she got drunk. She was afraid that she might have told him something. If that was the case, then it would be hard to keep on avoiding him forever for he would have to bring it up sooner or later. She might give him the chance to say whatever he wanted to say now. After all, she might be able to fix her mistake now while she still could.

Rukia muttered an okay to him, and followed him to his car. Her home was not far away from here. Even if talking to him proved to be extremely uncomfortable, she would not have to endure it for long. The moment they got into the car, she asked: "What is it?"

It took him a while to say what he wanted to say. If the people in his department got wind of what he was about to do, he would lose his job in no time. But he wanted to do it at all costs. He was the one who got her into this mess in the first place and he felt responsible for getting her out of it. After he went back with Renji this morning, he was told that Kuchiki Rukia might be involved along with Kaien in Ichimaru Gin's activities and that her movements should be monitored. Ichigo thought the only reason why Rukia refused to share with them what she knew was definitely not for Gin's sake. She had something to hide; he could see that, but she did not refuse to give it away to save herself or Gin.

He owed her. He had to tell her everything. He had to warn her against any further unwanted involvement with Gin. He was at the bar earlier, and saw the way she looked at Gin as he carried his little talk with her. she loathed his presence as much as she loathed his and Renji this morning. There was no way the theory the police came up with was true. If there was one thing he could do for now, it was to save her any more troubles. It was the only thing he could do to feel peace again. Otherwise, his guilt would torment him non-stop, not only for killing Kaien, but for complicating her already complicated life.

He tried to think of a proper way to tell her, but nothing came to his mind. It was when he felt her urging gaze on him that he decided to speak: " You should be careful from now on. The police decided to reopen the case, and they are considering you as…"

" A suspect?" Rukia asked when she saw that he could not continue.

" Yes."

Rukia could not help but smile sadly at the conformation. She figured it would come down to this sooner or later. She was actually ready for it. Life was a bitch indeed. Not only was she deprived from seeing the single person she loved with all her heart, she was blamed for his mistake as well.

Ichigo looked at her and found the same sad smile plastered to her face. He could see that she already expected what he just told her, and that she was close to giving up on everything. Her eyes were fixed on the road to hide the erupting emotions that flooded her chest, and which were showing now in her eyes.

He tried to assure her, but failed. There was nothing he could say now that would make her feel any better. Still, he wanted to say something, anything, just to lighten her burden a little : " I know it's unfair. And I wish I could do something about it, but I can't. "

She did not say anything in response. He thought for a moment that the hard part was over and done with, but then came her question: " Why are you telling me this?"

He averted his gaze to the road, unable to look her in the eyes for fear she might see the truth lying in their very depth. What could he say? That he killed Kaien? That the reason why she had to endure so many hardships at such a young age was his doing? That these simple words of caution were his way of making up for everything he had caused her?

He could never tell her the truth. Part of the reason was that he could not face her with his sin yet. The other part was that he did not want her to push him away when she needed an ally the most. His grip on the steering wheel intensified as he struggled for the words. He could not lie; he could not tell the truth either. The only thing he could do for now was to give an answer shrouded with vagueness: " …I…was there when Shiba was shot. I'm sorry."

He saw her heaving one long breath, but nothing came after that. She spoke no word after asking him that question, but kept her silence through the whole ride. He decided not to say anything as well for fear that he would cause her further discomfort.

When they finally reached her home, he saw how eager she was for finally being relieved from the suffocating atmosphere. She probably needed some time to think on her own after what he just told her, but there was one more thing he needed to do. The moment her hand reached to open the door, he stopped her. Then he gave her something that belonged to her: " You forgot this last night. I found it in the motel room this morning."

Rukia looked at whatever he was holding, and found that it was an old bracelet she bought months ago. It was not something of importance to her. The fact that she did not notice it was missing was evident enough. She bought it on a whim just to help the old woman who was selling them in the streets make a living. Her hand reached for it, only to give away the fact that whatever he told her made her terribly shaken. Her hand was trembling uncontrollably, and she knew that with whatever he just told her, added to her old burdens, the few coming days would be the hardest ever. Afraid of giving him any sign of her current state, she took her bracelet, muttered a thank you, and left the car immediately.

The moment she got into the house, she turned the lights on, took her coat and shoes off, and threw herself on the couch. Tonight was going to be a long agonizing night. Her problems seemed to be multiplying day after day, and there was no way she could put up with any single one of them anymore. She doubted she would be able to push those death tempting thoughts again. It was always like this whenever her days were only hours away from the cursed night in which Kaien died. Right now, she wished for nothing more than for eternal sleep to put her out of her misery. Gone was her resolve to live, replaced by her one and only weakness. She had to put an end to those thoughts, and she could only hope that a few hours of sleep and rest would bring back her resolve again though she doubted it would work this time.

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Rukia woke up the next day on the sound of the door being gently shut. Her eyes fluttered open slowly, trying to know where she was exactly. She sat up, and tried to adjust her eyes to the light. Her hand reached out for the clock, and she almost fell to the floor. It was then that she realized that she had fallen asleep on the couch rather than her room.

She sat up, and noticed that there were a few changes in the living room. She was covered with a blanket, the room was tidier than usual, and there was a large envelop laying on the table in front of her. Momo must have been here earlier. She was the only person who had an extra key to her apartment after all.

Rukia reached for her cell phone, and found that Momo had called her more than once. That explained why she came here. She must have been worried about her again. Hinamori would call endlessly every time the day Kaien died approached. Momo was afraid that Rukia's dark mood would lead her to do something drastic, and judging by the countless thoughts of death that crossed her mind last night, there was a high possibility that she would succumb to them this time.

Rukia's eyes wandered to that envelop laying on her table. She knew exactly what was in it, and she knew that Hinamori would not drop the matter that easily. The girl had the strangest idea that an omiai would pluck her out of her depression. It had been forever since Hinamori kept on insisting that Rukia should meet someone else and move on with her life. And if Rukia refused to meet anyone on her own, then she would resolve to the ancient traditional way of introducing someone to her. First Byakuya wanted to set her up for an omiai, and now Hinamori!

Rukia tore her eyes from the cursed envelop, and thought that the only thing that could get her through today was tea, and lots of it. She stood up, and found a small note lying next to the envelop. She reached for it, and read:

Would it kill you to look at it?

Yes, it would kill her. There was only one person in her life, and that person was Kaien. Once was enough for her. If she were to go through the same hardships again, she doubted she would make it this time. She knew that Hinamori had only her best interest at heart, but it was high time that she gave up, and left her to live her life the way she wanted. No one understood why she never broke out of this tedious depressing routine. Even if she were to explain, she doubted anyone would understand. Thus, she decided to keep everything to herself

Rukia wobbled towards the kitchen, still unable to clear her head from all the sleep she had. She filled a pot with water, and waited for it to boil. The note and the envelop she just saw ruined her already dark mood. And later, she would have to put up with Gin at work as well.

She released a heavy imprisoned sigh, then averted her gaze to the window. The sun was sitting now. soon, she would have to leave for work, and to suffer Gin's creepy looks again. She was at her limits, and no one had the slightest hint about what she had to endure every single day. It was an endless circle. Waking up everyday, and putting up with the same depressing reality till night fall, and till sleep consumed her thoughts. When would it ever end? When could she finally break free?

She was planning to stay that way for awhile. She already got used to the new reality. Having so much free time on her hands did not help much. Her thoughts would always wander through the forbidden road whenever she was left to them.

She never managed to get over the trauma of loosing him. And now, she felt closer than ever to falling apart. She always felt guilty whenever she thought of moving on. It was difficult to come to terms with grief and loss.
Her eyes darted to the pot, now boiling with water. still occupied with her depressing thoughts, she reached for it with a weakened grip, and it accidentally slipped off her grip and spilled over her other arm. The pot fell to the floor with a loud crash.

She did not feel anything at first. It was the loud crash that brought her back from her thoughts. When she looked at her arm, she found her skin turning scarlet. It was then that she felt excruciating pain shooting through her arm. Her knees hit the ground a scant second later, as she gripped her arm with her hand, whimpering.

Rukia looked at the pot loathingly, then she picked herself up, and muttered: " Great!"

Rather than looking for some soothing salve or anything, she just took a clean bandage out, and wrapped it loosely around her arm. She did not want to numb the pain she was feeling. Her life had been so numb lately that she could not feel anything. Right now she was in desperate need for anything to distract her thoughts from the direction they were taking. Whatever happened the last two days starting from sleeping with a total stranger, to what he told her last night, was weighing too much on her chest. If she were to stay home any longer, she would surrender to the one single solution that had been crossing her mind for the past three years.

Rukia took her coat, and decided to leave her solitude before that idea became even more tempting. The moment she got out of the house, she decided to take the long way to the bar. It was still early after all. Right now, a walk was her only option. She tried to shove her hands in her pockets to protect them from the cold, but failed miserably. Her arm was still throbbing with pain. She knew that simply wrapping her arm would never work, but she kind of welcomed the pain right now.

Her long walk took hours, but the pain in her arm never went away. Her thoughts went through the same forbidden road, goading her to put an end to her misery, and unlike her usual self, she did not push them away this time. She knew she could never execute them, not because she was afraid, but because her life was not hers in the first place.

During those times, she would silently contemplate on things she could have done. Other times she would sense a feeling of anger over his leaving her alone to continue life without him. she doubted her heart would ever heal. People expected her to move on, let go, get over it - even though grief is the natural emotional response to losing a loved one. No one understood what she was going through. She could not describe or even begin to comprehend the all-consuming depth of emotion that is the natural response to great loss. It felt like falling down a black hole. It was not easy to get over that in just days, months or even years.

Her life held no meaning anymore, and she did not know how to keep on living. She managed to put up with it for three years, the grief, the loss, and seeing the sole person responsible for his death, breathing the same air she breathed, every single day. And now, she had to put more effort into protecting his memory. It was draining every last bit of strength within her. she had tried her hardest and failed. There was nothing more she could do. It was time to give up.

Those thoughts! All the things they promised seemed so real now. she stood at the side of the street, contemplating them and the joyous outcome they would bring. They were beckoning her to give everything up. Her eyes were fixed on the crowded street in front of her as if it would put the end she always wanted for this tedious long agony. Her arm, stinging with pain did not help matters much. It reminded her that there were much more agonizing wounds that lay too deep for time to heal.

Her eyes over brimmed with tears, but she stubbornly refused to let go. She promised herself that she would never suffer the humiliation again. She was a Kuchiki, and Kuchikies were never this weak. If she gave in to the strong urge to cry now, she would lose her resolve. Her heart screamed for her to release at least a small portion of the long imprisoned sorrow, but she ignored those devastated cries.

Without realizing, she took a step forward into the street, throwing all those cautions her mind tossed, only to be gripped and pulled away from the street to safety, and back to reality rather painfully.

" Are you crazy?"

The first thing Rukia felt was excruciating pain shooting through the same arm that was gripped by the person in front of her. she could not think or say anything. The only protest she thought of against being gripped by her scalded arm was a whimper, which was soon followed by a treacherous tear. She tried to speak again, but the only thing that escaped her mouth was a loud sob, as she lifted her eyes to meet those of the person in front of her. Then she said after struggling with all the bottled sobs: " It hurts!"

Ichigo noticed her current shaken state. His eyes followed hers, and descended on the loosely bandaged arm in his painful gripped. He immediately, let go of her, and said apologetically: " Sorry. I didn't realize…"

But he did not get to finish his apology. Her shaken state made her unaware of anything, even his presence. He tried to talk to her again, but the moment she fell to her knees, he realized that nothing he could say now would reach to her no matter what.

He watched her as she gripped her chest with her hand, inhaling deep breathes, trying to calm the erupting pain within her. she spoke with a shaky voice, as she tried to hold on to her tears: " I can't take it anymore."

Ichigo was at loss of words. He knew far too well that what she was referring to were far more excruciating pains, wounds he had caused himself, and doubted that he could ever help her overcome them.

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Author's Notes:

I know I promised a chapter with some romance, but believe me, I had to delay it so as not to make the plot seem rushed. I've cracked my head open trying to finish this on time as promised. And I really needed lots of stream of consciousness to build up the events.

The word( Omiai) means a Japanese custom whereby unattached individuals are introduced to each other to consider the possibility of marriage. check wikipedia for more info on this custom.

The story is going to be a fast paced, short one. Meaning, romance will kick in real hard starting next chapter, and I mean it this time.

Next chapter: Meet the bitchy Rukia as she confronts a person who can read her like an open book. How will she react?

If you give me enough reviews, I'll post the next chapter tomorrow.

Hope you like it people. Take care