Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Forgiven ❯ Bring Me to Life ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter 4:

Bring Me to Life

It must be dawn.

She could tell by the chirping of the birds even though she was not fully awake. Her mind was totally blank. Rukia had no idea how she ended asleep. The last things she remembered were a bit hazy. They were like a dream. Her current state did not feel like reality at all, either. She was not totally awake, nor asleep.

Her mind tried to put together the remnant fragments of last night's events. She was upset, that she could remember clearly. She stormed into a bar, and got herself drunk which was very typical of her for she always dealt with her depression that way. Then there was something that she was angry about. Something that infuriated her…or rather someone…

Rukia jolted out of bed in fear. It could not be. Not again!

Her eyes moved slowly to the other side of the bed, afraid of confirming whatever conclusion that just crossed her mind.

He was not next her.

She closed her eyes, and blew a sigh of relief. She swung her legs over the bed, preparing to leave, but the moment she stood up, pain shot through her head. She immediately sat down, whimpering in pain, and buried her head in her hands. No matter how many times she got through this, she could never get used to those annoying headaches. Her eyes scanned her surroundings. Weird! she was in her own room. Normally, she would throw herself on the couch since her feet would not seem to drag her all the way to her room. She looked at her hands, and found that her arm was bandaged well.

Rukia managed to get up after a few minuets. Right now she was in need of a warm bath. Then she would think on what to do to distract herself. she could always go back to sleep after that. It had always been this way.

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She turned the lights to her room on. The room was a total mess! Her shoes were on the floor, her coat lying next to them, a few books and magazines which she never finished reading were scattered here and there, and the tea cup she would usually bring to her room was still on the bedside table. She really needed to tidy things up before her room turned into a real mess. But, she was not in the mood for that. Her head was pounding too much to tolerate moving around. She felt like drinking some herbal tea at the moment. With that in mind, she walked out of her messy room.

Her apartment was cast in darkness. she left it as it was, and went to the kitchen. she turned the lights to the kitchen on, and proceeded to look in the cupboards for some herbal tea. There should be some left.

" So you're finally awake?"

Rukia nearly jumped at hearing that. She turned around and found the owner of that familiar voice leaning against the kitchen counter, and eying her with curiosity. It took her a few seconds to react. It was then that she remembered wearing nothing but a flimsy robe that was tied loosely, and which barely covered her knees. She backed against the cupboard and asked in shock: " What in the world…?" but she never got to finish. Her mind suddenly started thinking of a possibility she was glad for a moment that it did not happen. However, with his presence here, doubts started flooding her mind one more time.

He saw confusion on her face, and sought to give an explanation since she did not seem to remember why he was here. But he immediately changed his mind upon seeing her pulling her robe tighter around her: " No, I can assure you that we did not have sex…again."

The (again) word he uttered, delivered after a second of thought, struck a cord. she could not help frowning as she asked: " What happened?"

" Lets see…You got yourself drunk, refused to let me take a look at your injury; told me to fuck off and to stop following you; and then ended up falling asleep at a bar. Of course, I couldn't leave you there, so I brought you back home." He answered, crossing his arms over his chest in a calm manner.

Rukia held her head with one hand, trying to figure out what to say now. True! He was there the whole time and he was the one who stopped her from crossing the road to hell. He was going to bring it up, her unreasonable attempt to put an end to everything. She spoke in a small voice, her hand massaging her temples in obvious discomfort: " You didn't have to stay here"

" After your attempted suicide? I don't think so. I had to make sure you were okay."

Attempted suicide? She did not think of it this way. It was true that whatever she tried to do was utterly stupid, but she was not in her right mind. She tried to defend herself without even knowing how. The only thing she thought of was to deny whatever he just said: " It wasn't a suicide attempt. I was merely…" Rukia never got to finish for she did not why she actually did it. It happened subconsciously.

Why did she have to explain herself to him? Honestly, Hinamori was enough. She did not need him to interfere as well. He had been popping a lot lately, and quite unexpectedly too. She could define the first time as a pure coincidence; the second time as something following up to the first; the third time as planned meeting since he had something to say, but last night did not seem to quite fit with the previous encounters. She turned back, crossed her arms over her chest, then asked suspiciously: " How come you were there?"

" I was doing my job." He answered with a hint of guilt in his voice.

She understood quite well what he meant by doing his job. He told her so. She was a suspect after all. It made her feel troubled whenever she thought about it. Talking about that matter again with him would do her no good. It would only upset her. Right now, she needed to explain herself for last night. She had a feeling that he would stick around longer if she did not tell him that it was utterly stupid of her to do what she did, and that she was feeling better now. She cast a nervous look down, trying to avoid looking at him as she spoke: " Look, I wasn't thinking clearly then. I must've gotten distracted, and ended up crossing the street when I shouldn't."

He did not say anything. she could not tell what he was thinking about for she could not look at him yet, then she heard him ask with a tone full of concern after a moment of silence: " Are you feeling better now?"

For now, she was definitely better than before, but she did not know whether she would be able to endure it again. She answered him with a broken voice, still avoiding looking at him: " I'm fine…"

Ichigo studied her expression. He knew exactly what she meant by distraction, and he knew too well how she felt, and knew that after what she went through, she would not be able to put up with anymore pressure. Her answer was not the one he was looking for, and hearing it did not make him feel less worried. It was impossible to know for certain what she would do next. He cleared his throat, trying to make her look at him, but she didn't. she kept looking at the jar of herbal tea she was holding in her hand. The only way he could ask about that for now, was to use her own words: " What will you do if you got… distracted…again?"

She did not miss it. using the same word she used told her that he understood too well the hidden meaning beneath it. she was not happy about it. And how was she supposed to know what to do if she were to fall back into that dark depressing mood again? It robbed her of every last bit of sanity she had left. The last thing she wanted to do was to think about it now.

Rukia frowned and spoke in a firm tone, shunning any further effort on his part to know what she was going through: " I appreciate the concern Kurosaki-san, but I don't think that's any of your business."

He took a step forward: " I know how you feel."

Rukia could not help but snort after hearing what he said: " It's been a while since I last heard someone say that."

He chose to ignore the sarcasm in her tone. He had been there before, and he hated it whenever people spoke to him about the ordeal he went through as if they truly knew how he felt. It must have been the same for her. But he was not one of those people. He truly understood the depth of sorrow gripping at her heart: " I know what it feels like to lose someone."

" I'm sure everyone had their share of losses Kurosaki-san, including you, but they are not all the same. So please, don't talk to me as if you know exactly how I feel."

He paid her words no heed and carried on. His steps leading him closer to her with every word he spoke: " I lost my mother ten years ago. She died trying to save my life. "

The moment she heard him say that, her eyes sought his immediately. She found him smiling sadly at her. Then he carried on: " It took me so long to get over it."

Upon hearing nothing from her, he took slow steps forward, his hands shoved in his pockets. He stood right in front of her, then took a deep breath, trying to recount his own painful experience. He did not know why he chose to share it with her. No one knew how he felt after his mother passed away, even the closest to him. She did not fall into that category, yet, he felt compelled to tell her about it: " I've been in your shoes before, torn between living and ending my life. I couldn't move on because it would seem as if I was betraying her; that I haven't mourned her enough; that her sacrifice meant nothing to me. I couldn't end my life because she was the one who gave it to me. I felt that I didn't own myself anymore. That I'm living against my well."

He could see the effect of his words on her. she was shaken. Her eyes were getting teary. But, she refused to let go of them. she did not say anything, she could not even tear her eyes away from his. He could see her breathing getting quicker, as if trying to seal the erupting emotions his words invoked. It was all the same as before. Last night, though she was terribly shaken, she pushed everything back within, and resorted to escaping reality again. He knew why. He had thought of it before; he had gone through it before.

He tried to urge her to talk, to tell him at least how she felt, but he got no response. If she were to talk, she was surely going to cry. It was the only reason why she refused to say anything. He wanted to help her admit it. He wanted her to admit that she was miserable, not only because of Kaien's death, but also because she was lost, and did not know how to deal with it. He spoke the next words, knowing full well that they would totally wreck her, but it was the only way he could think of to help her: " You can't cry because you don't want to show yourself and other people around you that that person's sacrifice was in vain. That his past presence in your life is making you miserable rather than happy. You can't be happy cause you feel that you don't deserve it. In the end, you become nothing more than an empty shell, not allowed to feel or express even the most basic of emotions."

Rukia could not tolerate being around him any longer. One more second, and her resolve would eventually break. She was afraid of admitting something she was not ready to handle yet. That fact was blocked, denied, she refused to even think about it. All what he told her just now were things she forbid herself to mention to anyone. Admitting those things would lead her to total loss. Admitting them would mean her love for Kaien was not that deep; that he sacrificed herself to her and all she could think of was her own well-being. It was more than she could handle. She had gone through enough already.

Though her gaze was fixed on the person in front of her, she could not see him clearly. Her mind was so muddled that she could not quite see anything. Even putting her mind to the task did not help. Her vision was already blurry with unshed tears. She had to leave his presence before he said anything else. The last thing she wanted was to break down and admit her selfishness. Rukia was about to leave when she heard him ask: " Kuchiki…Am I right?"

What he sought with that question was not a simple conformation. He knew too well that he was right. His question was meant to goad her into talking, into confessing that she wanted to be out of this course she got herself into at all costs.

It was hard. Just thinking about it made her feel guilty. The look she carried in her eyes turned into one of total despair and loss. The urge to cry, to weep, to express the depth of sorrow grew stronger. She had to stop listening to him. with that in mind, she tore her eyes away from his, and walked past him: " I think this little talk is heading no where."

Ichigo held her arm immediately, and tried to force her to look at him, but she didn't. she did not jerk her arm away either. She just stood there, looking away rather than meeting his gaze.

He knew she was still in denial, and knew perfectly well why. His grip on her arm intensified as he gently brought her closer to him, then he spoke: " Do you think that he wanted you to live like this? Do you think he'd be happy knowing that you're torturing yourself?"

It was all too much. It was all an inner turmoil, a conflict she couldn't break free from for three years. she was torn between what she wanted to do, and what she should do. In the end, she chose to block her happiness, and to live selfless so as not to feel guilty. What he was saying made all her conflicts rush back at the same time. He was not helping her one bit. All what he did was remind her of a time where she did not feel so restrained. It was the sole reason why she avoided talking about it to anyone. Kaien would never approve of what she was doing to herself, but she felt it was wrong to live happily after he died for her.

She broke free from his hold on her arm, then buried her hands in her head, trying to hide her tears away from him. she wanted to leave his presence, but her legs did not support her. she was afraid that taking any step would cause her to fall.

There was only one tie that connected him to her, but the more he spent time around her, the more complex it became. Until now, not a single person out there truly delved into the very depth of his heart, yet he felt that the woman in front of him had done so without intending it. The experience he shared with her was probably the reason.

He had never told anyone about how he felt about his mother's death. Everyone could see that he was deeply affected, yet no one knew why he found it so difficult. He knew it must have been the same for her. He was the one who caused her to be drawn into the same inner conflict he endured years ago. It made him feel terrible whenever he thought about that. The experience he had gone through was so painful, and he never thought he would cause anyone to suffer the same hell he went through. sharing his experience with her was the only way he could help her out. She had pushed everyone away, and withdrew herself into her own sorrow. He would have done the same had it not been for the support of his family. He felt it was up to him to stand by her side now.

Seeing her trembling in front of him told him that she was close to breaking down. It had happened last night. She fought the urge to cry with every ounce of will power she had, but it did her no good. Right now he needed her to admit that she was miserable, that whatever she was doing to herself would never make her feel better no matter what.

He reached for the hand that was covering her face, and saw that her will power was already dissolving. Her eyes where over brimmed with tears which soon rolled down her cheeks. He reached for those tears, and wiped them gently with his thumb, whispering: " It's okay to cry."

Ichigo gently drew her into his embrace, trying without words to urge her to finally release her long bottled misery. The minuet she was folded into his arms, she started sobbing. Her hands unconsciously reached for his shirt for support. He could feel her clinging to him weakly before she slid down. His arms brought her closer to him as he kneeled on the floor with her.

He just sat there, holding her to his chest as she cried off everything she had kept within for the past three years. She hated herself for her weakness. She hated herself for crying in front of a person she had only known for a few days. Yet, the way he talked to her made her feel as if she had known him more than anyone else. She hated it whenever people gave her those sympathetic looks, telling her all the time that they knew how she felt. He was different. The look on his face was more of understanding than sympathetic. she had given up talking about it as a way of relieving her pain. Whatever she was told in response to her loss was never reasonable. Her situation was different. It was so complicated that she doubted anyone would understand. She did not know if Kurosaki had endured the same circumstances she went through, she did not even knew wither he knew how complicated her relationship with Kaien was, yet, there was one thing they had in common. The people they lost died for their sake.

She tried to stop herself from crying, but the more kindness he showed, the harder it was to stop. She felt him rocking her form back and forth, telling her the whole time to just let go of everything within. Her hands held on to him, afraid for some reason that whatever relief that had finally flooded her chest would soon disappear if he were to let go. She finally admitted that she would never be able to make it through this without a help. She spoke to him in between sobs: " I don't know what to do."

Ichigo smiled sadly at that. His hand reached for her head, and caressed her hair as he said: " Take what he has given you and move on. I'm sure that's what he would've wanted you to do."

" It's not easy. "

" I know. Take your time. just don't bottle everything within you. you'll begin to feel better afterwards."

She felt his arms sliding up and down her back, urging her the whole time to cry everything out. She couldn't stop even if she wanted to. she continued sobbing and hiccuping on his chest, feeling relief finally seeping through to her burdened soul. She never thought she would find comfort in the sole thing she had been denying herself the whole time.

long minuets went by, as he continued cradling her trembling form against his. Her sobs quite down, but her hands were still clutching his shirt desperately. He was glad she let him into her weary soul. He only hoped that his words reached out to her, and that she would not fall back to her old self again.

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Ichigo flipped his cell phone closed once he finished telling his partner that he would be a few minuets late. He was not sure he could leave the raven haired woman like that. He looked at her, and found her still sitting on the couch, her eyes cast down, as her hands held a cup of herbal tea he made for her earlier. she seemed to have calmed down, but he was still a bit concerned.

She looked up at him, and found him studying her. she tried assuring him that she was feeling better:" Kurosaki-san, you'll be late for work if you don't leave now."

She watched him as he walked towards the armchair where he folded his coat, then he picked it up, and walked back towards her. without saying anything, he leaned down, and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, asking her as he scribbled something down: " Feeling better?"

" yes."

" sure?"

" uh-huh."

she stood up to walk him towards the door, but then he held her hand, and gave her whatever he had scribbled: " Here's my number. Call me if you need anything."

"Okay."

He noticed her hesitation as she looked at the small piece of paper in her hand, and thought to assure her that he would help her if she would just ask. He lifted her chin up to have her look at him as he said: " I'll be there if you ever needed someone to talk to."

" Thanks."

His hand slipped up to her cheek, thinking the whole time how he could ever make amends for what he caused her to go through. He only intended to show his willingness to share her burden a little, but he never realized that this gesture would turn into something more than he could handle.

He leaned down, pressed a kiss to her forehead, then took his leave.

He was dead sure that given her nature, it was unlikely that she would seek him out for help. But for some reason, he had a strong feeling that coincidence would lead him right back to her again. He only hoped that if he were to see her again, she would be in much better spirits than now.

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Author's Notes:

allow me to explain myself. First things first, this chapter was the most difficult one I had to write ever. and I'm still not satisfied with it, but I thought I couldn't do anymore to polish it. thus,I got bored and got myself busy trying to write a new chapter for change of heart.

second of all, I went cold turky for a few weeks. believe me, I tried everything to bring the emotional me back, but nothing worked. I even watched my old fav romantic movies, and all I got was a big question mark over my head on how I considered that crap my favorite! (I get real mean when I go into cold turky mode)

so, anyways, this will be the last depressing chapter.

Next chapter: Another fateful meeting! Ichigo catches glipms of the real Rukia.