Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Negative Space ❯ Trust Issues ( Chapter 16 )

"Isa…"

Calling…

The bond was calling to me, dragging me back from unconsciousness. I started to turn to roll over, but a hand was pressing my shoulder down, keeping me from moving. I was on my stomach, a position I normally didn't sleep in. Keeping my back to danger was stupid, so why was I lying like this?

"Don't move too much, Isa."

That voice… I opened my eyes, finding that I was lying in a bed of some sort with no pillow under my head. I could see the stretch of wooden floors like I was only a few inches off the ground, and quickly realized that I was on a japanese style bed and not the raised ones that we mostly maintained in Hueco Mundo. That wasn't a good sign...

"Grimmjow," I murmured as I coaxed my head to turn so I could see him. My hair fell in front of my face as I shifted and I started to move to push it out of the way only to be instantly reminded of my spine. I stopped moving and wrenched my eyes closed in an effort to contain the pained groan I wanted to emit.

"I told you not to move," Grimmjow murmured. Fingers brushed over my forehead, pushing aside the hair I couldn't move myself. I met Grimmjow's azure gaze as he secured my hair behind my ear, gently caressing the sensitive bone that tipped it. He was sitting beside where I was lying in a lazy sort of position that had him half on the edge of the futon and half on the floor.

"You woke me," I said hesitantly. "You woke me with the bond?"

"Despite what you may think, I do listen to your advice."

"And promptly disregard it," I grumbled. "It's like I shouldn't even bother trying to 'advise' you unless there's absolutely nothing else going on."

His face lit up with amusement, but it was short lived as his gaze darted to something that was on my other side then returned to me. "I need you to release your resurreccion."

"What?" I asked, positive that I had misheard him. Releasing my true form when I was so damaged would make me completely helpless. I hadn't even been able to move more than my hand when I had been trying to reach for my zanpakuto.

"Your resurreccion, Isa. I need you to release it."

I furrowed my brow in confusion. "Why?"

"I need to know how badly damaged your mask is."

"No," I said sharply. I moved then, pulling my arms under me so I could push myself up. I got about two inches off the futon before Grimmjow's hand was on my ass, holding me down in a way that I couldn't fight him. He was avoiding touching my back, but really? My ass? Then I realized that I was naked. Again. There was fabric between his hand and my skin, but it felt thin like it was just a sheet. "What is with you and stripping me while I'm unconscious? Goddamn creeper."

"Isa," his tone was warning, but I didn't care.

"No. Being like this in my rock is one thing, and being broken in your territory is another, but here I am in unfamiliar territory. I do not trust Soul Reapers, even if you do. I won't accept being helpless like this here."

"Well at least we know where she stands."

My mouth snapped shut with a click of my teeth and I turned my head around to see Kisuke sitting opposite to Grimmjow and on the other side of me. He was a bit further back from the futon, but still plenty close enough for me to have lashed out at him if I was in better shape.

"You idiot, that's not a good thing," Yoruichi in her black cat body snipped from where she sat beside him.

I frowned at them and turned my head back around, letting myself settle flat on the futon once more. "I'm not calling my true form."

"We need to see-"

"No, you don't." I snapped, glaring at the wall I was facing. "What I need to do is leave and get to my rock where I can sleep, not let them poke and prod at my damaged mask."

"Kisuke-"

"I don't give a shit," I snapped. Yeah, it was in a bad mood. Being hurt, exposed and pretty much defenseless would do that to a girl. "My mask will heal. I just need to sleep, and I'm not doing that here."

My voice oozed with a finality that would have stopped any argument I had ever been in. I wasn't going to release my true form. It wasn't going to happen. I didn't care what Grimmjow wanted. The pain had been too great, and these damn Soul Reapers couldn't know such weakness in me. I wouldn't allow it.

I pushed up off the futon with that thought, fighting against Grimmjow as he pushed harder on my butt to keep me where I was. It hurt to resist him, and it made my strength wane until I had no choice by to stop.

"You're not going back to Hueco Mundo in your condition," he said firmly.

"Like hell I'm not," I snapped as I turned a fierce glare on him. "I can make it back just fine."

"And what if Arnau finds you like this?" He asked, anger sparking in his words. "He will kill you, or worse he might even break the bond if he can. I won't let you be in that position, not when you're mine."

Not when you're mine. He sounded so possessive. Part of me was offended that he thought that way of me, but the bigger part suddenly saw him in a new light. He thought I was his, but he also wanted to protect me. Me. Of all people. I didn't need protecting. Before him I hadn't needed someone to protect me, but since I had met him I had been getting myself into some pretty bad situations and every time he may have in some way been the cause, but he ended up saving the day in the end.

It was stupid, but in this moment I was actually a bit happy that Luien had stumbled across me. Sure, I'd been hurt, ruined some of my favorite clothes, Raacharg had almost been killed, and now my mask was broken. But, what had I been doing for the last few years? Yes, living, but why? What had been my purpose? I couldn't think of any defining moments outside raising Raacharg. Grimmjow, as much of a child as he was, was giving me a purpose again.

But, that realization didn't mean I was going to be staying here.

"He can't break the bond," I said shaking my head. Then I froze mid motion and blinked. "Did you… did you tell them about the bond?"

My voice may have come out a bit squeaky with my shock. His eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Was I not supposed to?"

I blinked a few more times then dropped my head in exasperation. "No, no you weren't."

The weight of his hand eased for a moment, and I took the opportunity to get my knees under me so he couldn't shove me back down so easily. The movement made my back scream in pain, but I shoved the sensation back. I wasn't going to stay here. I needed to get to my damn rock where I could relax and heal and stew over how much of an idiot Grimmjow was. He told a damn Soul Reaper about the bond, something that was sacred to us. It was a secret that all Arrancar and those that served them knew, or most of them anyway. But now? Now no one knew about the damned bond that should have.

I felt Grimmjow's spiritual pressure rise through the bond and I flicked my head up to glare at him. "I dare you to try and order me around right now. Lets see how that turns out for you when I'm actually pissed off."

There was a spark of challenge in his eyes and I knew he was going to try. Of course he would. Go fucking figure.

I was prepared to resist an order, but what I wasn't prepared to do was resist the sensation he pushed through the bond. A wave of weariness washed over me, taking away my anger and replacing it with the need to collapse back onto the futon. I let out a long breath as I struggled to stay on my hands and knees, but ended up sliding back so my butt was resting on my heels. Sweet baby Jesus, he was fighting dirty. This was so not fair.

"Isa," Grimmjow murmured my name as I felt the cool metal of my zanpakuto slide into my hand. "Release your resurreccion."

"No," I managed to groan. He hadn't made his words an order, but I was almost positive that was just a test.

"Are you really going to make me order you when you could just do it?" He growled.

"If I do, I'll probably just pass out before it does any good. Being like this, it makes the pain less. I could barely even move in my true form, and weakened like this I doubt I could even maintain it for more than a minute."

I heard fabric slide before I felt Grimmjow's hand close over mine, holding my hand to my zanpakuto. When he spoke his voice was soft in my ear, his breath ghosting over my skin. "I need to know, Isa. I need to know what I did to you."

"No," I growled.

"Why are you fighting me?" He asked as his grip around my hand strengthening.

"I won't show such weakness in front of them," I snapped as I turned my head to gesture at the two Soul Reapers. I blinked when all I saw was the empty space they had been occupying. I hadn't heard them leave, but they were certainly gone. How hadn't I noticed?

"It's just me," Grimmjow murmured, like he was trying to sooth me with his voice. "Do you trust me?"

Trust him? Why did he have to ask something like that now? I did trust him, I had to in order to allow him such control over me, but admitting it now was hard. Like really, really hard. I had told him as much before, but saying it again like this was just too much.

Slowly I turned my head until I was able to meet his azure gaze. His free hand pushed my hair that had fallen like a curtain between us out of the way, but instead of removing his hand he gently covered the back of my neck, warming my exposed spine with his touch. The movement was so purposeful that he had to know what it meant for me to let him touch my spine like he was. I wasn't sure if he really knew, but I didn't pull away from his hand. I liked it there. I liked feeling the warmth of his skin seeping into my bone and his fingers lightly digging into my skin.

Letting out a rough sigh I let my head drop in resignation. I turned my hand under his, moving my zanpakuto so as it extended it wouldn't hit him. He released my hand as I pulled my zanpakuto toward me so I could reach it's blade. I hesitated as I stared down at the metal, wondering if this was really a good idea. Grimmjow had already seen me at my weakest, but in the world of the living I wasn't safe. I wasn't safe in,Hueco Mundo either, but I knew what sort of monsters lurked there. Here, there were so many things that could go wrong that I couldn't defend myself from. Then again, with or without releasing my zanpakuto I was still crippled. What difference would it make if I was conscious or not?

Hoping that I wasn't making a mistake by giving into him, I flicked the blade of my zanpakuto, making the metal ring. "Pacify, Amechania."

Pain took me from my hands and knees to the mattress as a gasp dragged through my throat. Gods, it hurt. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. Jesus cheeseballs it hurt. Lightning was shooting through my veins, burning everything from my back down to my toes. I couldn't seem to think as I tried to curl into a ball, but only my arms would listen to me and even they were too difficult to control. My armor had formed the instant the pain started, the girdle cinching my waist and making me want to scream. I would have given into that urge to scream, but I couldn't breathe. It felt so much worse than it had at the shrine, and deep down I knew I had made it worse by using my sonido earlier. Damn me and my pride. Damn, damn, damn!

I felt Grimmjow's hands grip my arms, but he jerked away like touching me had hurt him. He had felt my pain through his bond, but I couldn't seem to comprehend much more than that.

"Fucking hell," I heard him grimace. I wanted to laugh, but the only laughter I heard was from my own thoughts as I passed into unconsciousness.

The next time I woke it was of my own volition. I was lying on my side with my arms cradled against my chest and my legs curled just enough to keep me where I was. My armor was gone like I had never released my resurreccion, and I knew I was still naked even though I was covered by sheets, but it didn't seem to really bother me. I didn't feel any pain coming from my back, which was more than just a little shocking. Had they managed to heal my mask, or just make me numb?

I started to move to feel for my back, but when a responding movement that wasn't my own came from under my neck, I froze. I opened my eyes, finding it easy to see in the darkened room. Only, I couldn't see anything except for Grimmjow's bared chest. It took me several moments to wrap my brain around the fact that I was lying in the curve of Grimmjow's body. I almost didn't believe it and tried to convince myself that I was still dreaming, but it felt right. I was so warm, but not uncomfortably so. His bicep was under my neck, supporting my head in a way that just seemed to fit like it was supposed to be there. My knees were pressed into his thigh with our close proximity, probably keeping me upright just as much as making me feel comfortable in my position.

Facing him like this felt like it was too intimate, and I had to spare a thought to wonder how he had gotten me like this without waking me up. Sure, I had passed out, but keeping me that way? He must have been getting better at using the bond. If he had been my subordinate, I would have been proud of him, but since he was my master it made me feel like I should be wary instead.

Doing my best not to disturb him, I tilted my head back so I could look up at his face. My stirring must have not woken him because his eyes were closed and his face looked so relaxed compared to how he normally looked. I had thought his brows were just naturally scowling, but in his sleep they were relaxed into a neutral line. His eyes were normally intense, even when he looked bored, but asleep the angry lines were gone. His lashes were thicker than I had expected, making a delicate line of blue where they joined. His cheeks were the same chiseled cheeks he always had, but without his intense expressions, the face I saw was gentle. When he had been a living Human, had he been a kind person? Gazing up at him, I wanted to believe the he had been.

Knowing I shouldn't but doing it anyway, I turned my hand away from covering my own chest and pressed my palm to his. When he didn't seem to wake, I drew my gaze down to his chest to watch as I ghosted my fingers over the scar that marred his skin, memorizing the feeling of it under my fingers.

"Go back to sleep," he murmured. I hadn't felt him wake, but it wasn't surprising. I had been trying to coax him awake after all.

"The God Maker was covered in scars like these," I said so softly it was almost like I was whispering. "He was a warrior, like you are, but he didn't have the ability to heal as well as even the average Arrancar did. His heiro was so great that only the strongest foes could damage him. It was how he had survived so long, taking very few blows, and those that he did take were diminished in force. When I became his, I became his healer before anything else, and eventually he let me reopen some of his scars and heal them so they were no longer there."

I ran my hand up the rest of his chest, finding his skin smooth all the way up his neck and to his mask. I trailed one finger over the sharp points of the teeth, enjoying the scraping sensation that was just on the verge of pain. I had enjoyed seeing him without his mask, but I prefered this Grimmjow. This Grimmjow was real, where that one had just been an illusion. "Do you want me to be your healer as well? I can fix the scars, be the darkness of your shadow, just like I was then."

Grimmjow's hand covered my own, gently guiding my finger away from his teeth so they wouldn't pierce my skin. He took my hand to the mattress between us and squeezed it before he released it.

"I don't want what you were, Isa." I watched his hand as it came toward my face, but closed my eyes as his fingers brushed my chin. Delicately he caressed his fingers over my cheek until he was cupping my face in his large hand, his thumb slowly rubbing over my cheek bone. "I want what you are. The knowledge you possess, the experience that you share, the attitude that you give me all the time. That's the Isa I want."

I smiled at his words as a small laugh bubbled up. "It would be easier if you did want the old me, you know. That Isa was compliant and would just do what you wanted. What I am now is too set in her ways to change."

"It's what makes you, you." His thumb rose, ghosting over my eyelashes to find my brow where he ran his thumb repeatedly over it like he was petting me. For some reason, I didn't mind the sensation and found myself turning my head ever so slightly to make the angle easier on him.

"It's frustrating, you know. I used to be one of the strongest beings in the land. I couldn't be beaten down like this. Stepping in front of your gran rey cero was supposed to be painful, but not actually hurt me. I just don't know what to do with you fakes. I know in my head that I am nothing in comparison, but in my reactions and in my gut I am still the Espada I was, an equal to you and even stronger when I release my true form. But clearly, that's not the case." I let out a slow sigh and turned my face into his bicep, trying to hide myself from him despite being so close. "This is why I avoided interacting with you and the other fakes even after I was capable of doing so again. The part of me that thinks like the Espada I was doesn't understand how the world works now, and I don't know how to make it, how to make me, understand."

His hand moved, turning until his fingers were under my chin. He pushed against my chin, turning my head up. I opened my eyes with an almost shy slowness until I was met with his relaxed azure gaze. His nose was only inches from mine like this, making his face the only thing I could see.

"I can share my memories with you to fill the gap in time you are missing," he offered, his voice slow and soft.

"No," I murmured with a slight shake of my head. "That's something you certainly shouldn't try until you know how to mentally shield yourself from the bond. But, thank you for offering."

"I think I'm getting pretty good at it," he mused as his thumb stroked over my chin in an almost tender gesture. I really liked that stupid thumb of his.

"You're taking my pain, aren't you?" I asked, just now understanding why I wasn't feeling any pain.

"I'm sparing you from it."

"But you don't feel it yourself?" I asked with a raised brow. It wasn't because I was worried he felt my pain, but worried for what he had done with it. It had to go somewhere, it didn't just vanish.

"I did at first, but not now."

I gave him a chastising frown and closed my eyes as I felt for his bond. The first thing to come to mind was my broken part of the bond and it slapped me before I could pull back. I physically jerked, but otherwise kept myself from reacting. I'd have to do something about that sooner rather than later. My instincts always told me to use my own bond, which was clearly inoperable. And for good reason. We would have had a wedded bond if I hadn't torn mine.

Finding his bond like I had meant to do in the first place, I found the pain he had taken from me, looking like a knot in the rope of his bond. He was getting better at manipulating the bond, but he clearly didn't know right from wrong.

"You can't do that with the bond," I murmured as I pulled at the knot. It wasn't tight, he probably didn't have the skill to mess up that badly.

Yet.

It gave with a small pop, and instantly the pain from my spine returned. I shifted with it, moving my hips and shoulders to straighten my back better before I gave up and settled. It wasn't going to get any better with a new position. It was like a constant ache that turned into a stabbing sensation when I moved.

As I opened my eyes I found Grimmjow's expression was back to how it normally looked, all tense and smug at the same time. It was like he had fully woken up and put his emotional mask on. Seeing it made me frown, but I quickly schooled it away. I couldn't hide my expressions from him when we were so close.

He didn't look like he wanted to be the first one to speak again, so I decided that I had to. "Think of the bond as a conduit that connects two people. Whether that be a pipe or wire, the concept is the same. They can be bent to a certain extent, but if you put a kink in it, it weakens it. Taking my pain, then knotting the bond so it couldn't return to me, would have damaged it if you were more skilled at manipulating it. If it breaks that way, you'll be just like me and damn near knock yourself silly every time you try to reach for it, and end up having to remake it, which is a damn painful process."

"Speaking from experience?" He asked.

"Not directly. I tore mine with you on purpose, but one of my people did what I just explained, and in my effort to guide them I felt their suffering as if it were my own. The God Maker was a better teacher than I am, and made certain I was fully aware of what I could and could not do before he allowed me to claim my own adjuchas. But, no matter how well you teach someone, there is always a learning curve."

"I thought you released your people once they were Arrancar?"

"Not right away. They need to learn to be masters in their own rights, but once they are ready most chose to leave. Those who chose to stay were my Fracciones. But for the War Games to become one of ten Espada, I had almost twenty Arrancar bound to me. Most of them had come to me as Arrancar. They knew who I was, who I used to be, and what they wanted. Gantenbainne was the only one of them that I had actually raised and survived. After it was all said and done, I released him so he could be an Espada in his own rights." I made certain to give him no hints towards the rest of the story as I spoke. He didn't need to know what we had been, nor did he need to that I had wanted to wed my bond with Ganten.

His expression relaxed at my explanation, but it wasn't quite back to the lazy half lidded expression it had been. For some reason I wanted to make his face go back to how it had been, but I had no idea how. I wasn't emotionally intelligent like that, even with the emotions that Grimmjow had given me.

"Are you actually tired, or were you just telling me to go back to sleep so I would keep healing?"

"Both," he said softly.

"Then are you-" I looked away from his face as nervousness tickled my stomach. Or were those what people called butterflies? Damn it. I was just asking this because I didn't want to be helpless like this in those Soul Reaper's presence. It was buisness… sorta. "Are you going to stay?"

"Do you want me to?" He asked smoothly. Gods, why was this making me feel so weird?

"Yes," I answered before I could stop myself. I did want him to stay. I wasn't sure what had driven him to lay with me in the first place, but I appreciated that he had. It made something in my warm knowing that he was here for me, watching over me when I could not.

"Then I will."

His arm under me flexed and he gently drew me closer to him. I pressed my hand to his chest, stopping him mid motion as I lifted my gaze to meet his and held it for a long moment. Staring into his azure eyes I gently took hold of the bond in my mind and let him feel my gratitude. I didn't want to say it aloud because admitting it was too hard for me, but I felt like he needed to know. I hadn't allowed myself to trust someone to protect me like this since Raacharg had when he had dragged me out of the hole I'd been imprisoned in.

I held his gaze for a moment more before I rolled to my stomach, shifting as I did it so I wouldn't run into him. It hurt moving like this, feeling like my bones were grinding against each other in my back. Other than flinching, I didn't let the pain stop me as I continued rolling until my back was toward him. I let out a shaking breath once I was done rolling, and settled back down with my eyes screwed shut in an attempt to force the pain back.

Grimmjow hadn't moved while I had been, leaving his body in the same position so I could shift without worrying about him doing something stupid. Once I was mostly settled with several inches between us and my head still resting on the muscle of his arm I felt him move. His hand rested on my hip, his fingers digging into my bare flesh as he gripped my hip. Gently he pulled me back, making my body lean instead of actually moving me. Knowing what he wanted, and somewhere deep inside I knew that I wanted it too, I slid myself back against him. It hurt to move like I was, the small movements seemed to hurt more than the bigger ones did, but I knew it was worth it when my body fit into the curve of his.

Grimmjow was a fair bit taller than me, but held against the curve of his body it seemed to be the perfect difference. With my back injured I kept from actually pressing to his abdomen, but my legs were nestled snugly against his. He was still wearing his pants by the feeling of the different fabric that was sliding across my skin, which I was only a little thankful for.

He curled himself tighter around me and instinctively I slipped my foot between his while my other went over so I could curl my feet almost posessively around one of his calves. A deep growl resonated through him as his hand slid up from my hip to wrap around my waist. I didn't like where he had stopped his touch, feeling like it just wasn't enough, so I covered his hand with my own and pulled it higher until it was between my breasts. My arm covered his, my hand curling around his so I could hold him securely where I wanted him.

I let out the most contented sigh I think had ever passed my lips and let my entire body relax. I opened my eyes, intending to check to make sure the door to the room was closed, when instead of seeing wooden doors I saw vines. Lots of vines. I blinked a few times as I tried to decide if I was actually seeing vines, or some sort of trick of the light.

"We're in Los Noches?" I asked as my eyes moved to look around, but I kept the rest of myself still with unsurity.

His chest shook with a quiet laugh. "Yes."

"I… I thought we were still at Kisuke's," I said hesitantly.

"No. You've been here for a few days now," he said softly as he curled down so he could press his cheek into my hair. "I couldn't afford to be away from Los Noches while you healed and I figured after the way you reacted to Kisuke and Yoruichi, you'd prefer to not be in their presence in this state."

I heard Grimmjow's words, and as much as I appreciated his intent, my thoughts turned to Raacharg. I hadn't thought he was near so I hadn't even bothered trying to feel him through our bond, but sure enough his presence was clear in my mind. He was alright, happy even if I was feeling him correctly. Was he actually enjoying his time here in Espada central? He was more of an intellectual than me, so I shouldn't have been surprised. Where I was abrasive and unforgiving, he was likeable and easy to talk to.

"You know, I wouldn't have been so keen to lay with you had I known earlier that we were here."

"Why do you think I didn't tell you where we were?" He murmured, his nose brushing the boney tip of my ear as he brought his mouth to my ear so he could murmur, "I know you've been betrayed before. As old as you are, I'd expect nothing less. Even so, you've got some serious trust issues. You want control over everyone you have to interact with because its what you know, but I don't. I am the king, but kings don't have nor do they expect to have absolute control over their people. That's what a dictator expects to have, but rarely ever does."

"Is that why you didn't kill Luien?" I asked.

"Yes. He thought I had been bewitched by you, and decided that your death was the only positive outcome for me. I cannot kill him for disagreeing with me, but I did maim him a bit for going against my orders."

"You need him," I said as I turned my head to look back at him. He was so close that as I turned, his cheek brushed mine, then our noses. My lips were a breath away from his, but I kept myself from closing that distance through sheer force of will.

"I do," he agreed as he met my eyes. It felt like he was seeing more than my face as we held each other's gaze. I bit my lip as I tried to think of something else to say, but words seemed to elude me. I wanted to close that small distance, but somehow I didn't feel like I should. This just wasn't the time.

"When I fall asleep again, I'm not sure how long it will be before I wake up. Are you really willing to let me stay in your bed until I heal?"

"I would prefer it," he answered. "Keeping you where I know you're safe will make my life easier."

I gave him a small smile and closed my eyes as I let my head roll back to the pillow.

Snuggling my cheek into his arm, I silently hoped that he understood what I was really doing. I normally didn't trust someone to guard me like this. I was proud, a force all my own. I didn't let someone watch out for me like this, protecting my back. I should have been able to do this on my own, and accepting that I couldn't was hard. But as his chin pressed to the top of my head, I knew it would be alright. I didn't need the bond to give me this sense of trust. He was trying to win me over, but the way he was doing it didn't seem like a show. It was genuine. He wanted me to want him, just like Raacharg had said. It was what he truly wanted from me, someone who wanted to be with him in return. This was something I could give him, even if it was a battle to make him understand our ways. He was a good person, even if he was destruction.

Thoughts of the past eased through my mind as my body relaxed into the heat of Grimmjow's body. My eyes slid closed and I felt the edges of sleep pull over my mind like a blanket. Just on the verge of passing into a blissful darkness, I heard Grimmjow's voice.

"I'm sorry, Isa."

An apology was something I never thought I would hear come from his mouth. I couldn't tell if it was a dream or real, but his voice was the last thing I heard before the darkness took me.