Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Fistful Of Omake ❯ Shampoo's New Plan ( Chapter 53 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE

from an idea by Kender_Sci and Thrythlind


"...and that's why today is special," said Cologne as she set the book of law to the side. "For her first infraction, the Jusenkyo Curse. For the failures so far. Exile at best. Death is likely. There are worse penalties and those depend mainly on how the other Elders judge her."

"It's your own STUPID laws," said Akane hotly. "I don't see how this has any bearing on anyone not stuck in the Stone Age?"

"Such as marriage arrangements made by parents prior to having children, or seppuku pledges made by one of those same parents?" Cologne asked.

"Well..." allowed Akane, hating to concede the point but having privately to note that her own life had its share of stupidity imposed from without.

"Chinese honor is no less sacred than the Japanese variety, nor is our blood any less red," pointed out Cologne. "So I have spoken with Shampoo and she has found an alternative even though she isn't happy about it. Not completely."

"What kind of alternative?" Nabiki asked, wondering how to set odds.

"I pointed out that getting a piece of the pie is a better alternative than skipping dessert entirely," said Cologne with a hint or two of amusement.

Akane was about to ask what that meant when she was interrupted.

*Ding Ding* "AIREN!" (GLOMP!)

Kasumi caught the bicycle before it could crash into the wall and regarded the scene before her.

Nabiki stared for a moment before a giggle escaped her. The giggle became a snort which proceeded full blown laughter.

Akane twitched a lot. "Shampoo? Ranma's over there!"

"Shampoo know that. Hello Ranma! Shampoo spending time with new wife!"

Akane started struggling, but as she was caught in the Amazon Glomp was having trouble getting loose.

"Wife?" Ranma asked, puzzled. He was also torn between being concerned for Akane and want to laugh about how now Akane was discovering it wasn't as easy to get out of as she'd always insisted.

"Yes, Shampoo decided to declare that Akane has fighting potential and spirit - therefore nominated her for Amazon Tribal Adoption under the case of Rinse Vs Council 1874." Cologne watched Shampoo give a very passionate kiss of marriage to Akane. "Normally Shampoo isn't into other girls, but in order to have a chance at Ranma she's decided to include Akane in the marriage. Mazeltov! I have some special sake I acquired for the occasion."

Akane realized this was some kind of martial arts fight! Shampoo's fingers were digging into shiatsu points and the girl's tongue seemed to be probing for the same in her mouth. Well, Akane Tendo doesn't lose! Much at least.

"Whoa!" Nabiki said as the two seemed to start grappling in earnest. One glance at Ranma showed that he was staring and fairly pale. With one finger she reached out and knocked him over.

Soun frowned. "Uhm. You were saying something about sake?"

---------

Ranma opened his mouth to say something then closed it. There was an odd familiarity about this scene that had occurred on the way to school.

*ding ding* "AIREN!" (Glomp!)

Ranma checked himself. Decidedly devoid of Amazonian cling-on accessories.

"You know, when she did this to you," Akane said to the pavement as she was currently pinned underneath a bike tire, "it was obvious that it was because you were flirting with her."

"Actually," said Nabiki, her nose in a borrowed book of Amazon Law & Cultures, "the whole glomp and bicycle thing is due to a rule of engagement. What you're supposed to do is take the initiative in the relationship and prove your strength by fending her off. THAT would constitute flirting in the Amazon culture."

"Hmmmm hmmmmmm," agreed Shampoo as she looked down on the pinned Akane. "Can't wait for school be over so Shampoo can give advanced training to Airen!"

"What kind of training is that?!" Akane said through gritted teeth as she attempted to force the Amazon and bicycle off her back.

"Martial arts training, silly airen. Unless you want be housekeeper/maid type," said Shampoo cheerfully. "Shampoo have to train you to high standards."

Ranma had finally figured out what to say in this situation when arrows started landing all around them. Three went through Shampoo's bicycle to her considerable annoyance.

"RANMA! YOU LOWLIFE LOSER!" Mousse leapt down and addressed a streetpost. "Because of you being less than a man, Shampoo has had to turn to Akane and now she's a lesbian! Ranma Saotome this is all your fault!"

Ranma had a ready reply to that, but a question was asked instead. "What's a 'lesbian'?"

Nabiki blinked a couple of times. "Excuse me. I'll just go over here in the corner and laugh my dimpled butt off... don't mind me."

"Grrrrrr," growled Akane as her sister began laughing.

"So, Mousse, since Shampoo's after Akane now, I suppose that means you'll be trying to marry Akane so you can marry Shampoo?" Ranma asked, still not entirely clear on what was going on.

Akane froze. Shampoo froze. Nabiki stopped to stare incredulously but then started laughing again.

Mousse considered briefly then nodded. "It's a sacrifice, but I suppose it is one that I must take. Akane Tendo! Prepare to be defeated!" Mousse, it should be noted, also had no real clue as to what was going on.

"RANMA YOU IDIOT!" Akane declared as she got up in order to fall upon Mousse and begin pummelling him.

"SHAMPOO HELP STUDENT DEAL WITH DISTRACTION!" Shampoo declared as she also began beating on Mousse.

Ranma opened his mouth to say something, stopped, blinked, and wandered off mumbling about this odd deja vu.

-----------

Ranma wasn't concerned at first. Not at all. Just ask him.

When Akane didn't show up for roll call of the first class, well, he responded as he thought appropriate. Which was to say how Akane would have reacted.

"Oh, she's off flirting with Shampoo," said Ranma to the teacher's inquiry. "I think. I'm still not sure what's going on in that regard."

And with that comment the well oiled machinery of Furinkan's gossip network set to work.

Tomoyo stated that she'd thought Akane was like that but hadn't wanted to say anything.

Sakura exclaimed that she wasn't, earning a hurt look from Tomoyo.

Hiroshi wondered if Ranma ever got his Jusenkyo curse cured, would Akane dump him?

Daisuke speculated about Akane in the girl's shower.

Daisuke got a schoolbook upside the head. Hiroshi silently gave thanks that he hadn't said that.

Ukyo was quiet and speculative.

Hikaru proclaimed that it was Ranma's fault for not being much of a man. Nobody paid any attention, it was Gosunkugi after all.

Yuka declared that Akane wasn't like that. Sayuri proclaimed her own support of Akane.

Daisuke speculated about Yuka, Sayuri, and Akane. Daisuke got two schoolbooks upside the head.

-----------

Akane woke up. Where was she?! An unfamiliar ceiling?!

And why was she wearing a Chinese dress?!!

"Oh, airen, you is awake," said a familiar voice.

There was Shampoo working on something.

"AAAAAAAAAA!" Akane exclaimed, putting 1 and 2 and 3 together and coming up with the cosign of 55.

"Not so loud, Akane-airen."

"AAAAAAAAAA!" Akane exclaimed again, realizing she was lying in Shampoo's bed in Shampoo's room.

"Almost done here, please not to scream like that." Shampoo said as she finished sewing up a rip in Akane's school uniform.

"AAAAAAAAAA!" Akane repeated as she realized she smelled like Shampoo.

"There, all done! Akane-airen uniform get ripped up, much messy, when Mousse use explosives in attack. Shampoo fix!" Shampoo displayed the uniform. "Can barely see rip now."

"AAAAAA - oh," said Akane as she realized the answer to the previous equation might not be what she thought it was. "Then you... I... we didn't..."

"Shampoo still not quite ready for that, if Akane insist on it," Shampoo lowered her head and blushed. "Shampoo like boys, not so much like girls. Shampoo thank Akane for not insisting we do."

"Nononononononono!" Akane shook her head so fast that sweatdrops flew in all directions. "Don't put yourself out on my account!"

Shampoo turned a happy smile on Akane. "Shampoo thank. You needs go school now. Shampoo meet you after for begin training."

---------

Mousse was listening. The only reason he wasn't intervening was that he was currently a duck and in a cage.

"AAAAAAAAA!"

Akane's voice?!

"AAAAAAAAA!"

It couldn't be, could it?

"AAAAAAAAA!"

It was! Oh, poor Shampoo. If only Ranma had been a proper man and ravished Shampoo!

"AAAAAA -oh!"

Mousse wept. It was too late now. A consummated kiss of marriage between Akane and Shampoo. The little duck in a cage pulled a little paper bag out of somewhere and put it over his head. Oh, the shame of it.

---------

"You're late... Miss... Tendo..." the teacher's voice trailed off to nothing and he stared.

"AKANE?!" The rest of the class exclaimed and also stared.

Akane moved thoughtfully to her desk and carefully sat down. She still hurt in a lot of places. Damn duck. "Teacher, I'm sorry I'm late. I was... delayed by a martial arts fight."

"Is that what they call it now?" The teacher asked, feeling a bit faint. He was so startled that all thought of punishment was wiped from his mind.

Everyone else looked at how mussed up, even tousled, Akane looked. Was that Shampoo's scent clinging to her? Well, that and muscle rub? Her uniform though - looked freshly cleaned and pressed.

"Not so easy to escape the Amazon Glomp, is it?" Ranma asked finally.

"No, I have to agree on that," said Akane. "Not nearly so easy... Hey you jerk! You left me to fend... for myself... never mind."

Ranma scratched his head. Wasn't she always telling him not to butt in on her fights? Girls! Who could figure them?

----------

Akane was confused. Her pigeonhole of Shampoo had been that Shampoo was a stupid bimbo from a backwards village.

"Shampoo think Akane relax and loosen up first, be much better for first lesson."

That Shampoo was apparently taking the role of sensei seriously flew completely in the face of what she had thought she had known about the Amazon. Apparently she had been moved from "Rival/Obstacle" to some other category altogether.

"Violent perv... Akane way too tight in shoulders. Need loosen up, movements must flow." Shampoo's hands found the knots of muscles and quickly began the work of massaging them down.

Nabiki, who'd been paid by Akane to watch just in case something perverted was going to happen, craned her neck over. "Interesting. That isn't a pressure point, was it?"

"This pressure point right here," explained Shampoo. "Is one for make relaxed."

"MMmmmmm," protested Akane.

"Wouldn't it be better if she were lying down?" Nabiki asked.

"Would be easier," admitted Shampoo. "Shampoo get strange feeling Akane might be harder to relax though."

"True," admitted Nabiki. "How about lying her out on the floor of the dojo here?"

"Is good idea," agreed Shampoo.

"What?! NABIKI!" Akane protested as she was flipped over. "Hey!"

Shampoo hit another pressure point. "Shampoo still not that happy with idea of co-wife. Akane stop try get Shampoo to prove what she say."

"Gkkk!" Akane said as her muscles went limp.

Nabiki came back with a blanket as Shampoo began massaging Akane from the soles of her feet on up. She waited until Shampoo was about halfway up before clearing her throat. "You have to massage there too?"

"Is muscle group there, feel very tight," said Shampoo. "Akane have very muscular butt."

"Just checking," said Nabiki.

"Oooooooooooo," managed Akane, who was making a note that maybe Nabiki wasn't the best one to watch over her. On the other hand this was feeling very very good.

"Do Akane get frequent headaches? Muscles of neck feel very tense, is usually sign."

"Akane? Gee, does she ever get worked up and upset about things? Let me see if I can remember such an instance," pondered Nabiki with a thick layer of sarcasm.

"oooooooooOOOOOO," said Akane, her eyes rolling up in her head. That felt *so* good.

"Relaxation point wear off soon," said Shampoo. "You might want stand away. Akane have little temper problem."

"You think?" Nabiki asked. "Ever consider doing massages like that for relatives of your 'airen'? I've been known to get stressed out too."

"Shampoo think about it."

Akane tried flexing her fingers then her toes. Everything was working. She was still alive. "Okay. Do we start sparring now?"

Shampoo grinned. "First lesson. Shampoo have much show Akane."

Nabiki snorted. "Yeah, I'll bet."

"Like Shampoo was saying. Will wait on Amazon secrets until Akane-airen feel she no longer need chaperone."

Akane gaped at the interpretation, though technically it was fairly accurate. Nabiki merely chuckled.

"Shampoo first work on fixing holes in Akane-airen's defense. You is ready?"

----------

Ranma winced and groaned and sweated. He couldn't stand it. Girls getting hurt was just so wrong.

Akane kept throwing punches and the occasional kick. Shampoo kept slapping stickers on Akane marked with the kanji for "Failure."

"Akane-airen stop leaving openings! You wants me get great grandmother? She use bamboo strike stick, leave welts so student remember!"

"Grrrrrr!"

"Extend too far! Keep center!"

"Rrrr!"

"Too slow. If make move, make fast!"

"All right this time for real!"

*Crunch* *thud* *smash* *bash* *wham!*

"Okay. That is end of spar session today! Akane show much promise!"

"Mfffff!"

Nabiki blinked. "You hogtied her and gagged her in her own gi. Exactly how is that 'promise'?"

"She has nowhere go but up, yes? We works on blocks tomorrow. Take bath with airen now. Sneaky girl come too?"

Nabiki shook her head. "No. You two go right ahead."

"MFFFFF!" Akane protested.

"Akane must really want do wild thing with Shampoo. Shampoo is flattered but still is not ready for that. Shampoo apologize."

"MFFFF!" protested Akane as she was slung over a shoulder and carried off.

Ranma watched and was again torn by indecision. To protest or not. To spy or not. Hmmm. Actually if he showed up, most likely Shampoo would be "too too happy" about it and try to do something. Maybe he should just stay where he was.

---------

One week later:

Akane stepped out of her front door and started looking around for the attack. She knew it was coming. Somehow, somewhere, there was an Amazon Glomp with her name on it.

Ranma, more relaxed than he'd been in quite some time, watched as a little black pig wandered in.

"P-chan!" Akane started forward.

(ding ding) *thud!* "Airen!"

"Bwee?" P-chan blinked. Akane had been flattened under Shampoo's bicycle?

"Akane make this too too easy," said Shampoo. "Why for you drop guard?"

"Mmffff," said Akane as she was kissing pavement. "Mmfff p-chmmm!"

"Oh. Hello, pig-boy," said Shampoo. "You no allowed to sleep with Akane or watches her undress no more. She now Shampoo wife."

"BWEEEEE?!" P-chan asked, a dribble of blood coming out of his nose.

"Shampoo. Get off," said Akane, still mashed to the pavement.

"Shampoo not ready to get off with Akane. Shampoo apologize about be so slow but just really not too sure about do co-wife like thats."

Ranma wondered what Shampoo meant.

"BWEEE?!" P-chan also wondered what Shampoo meant, but thought he had the general idea.

"Huh?" Akane asked, the innuendo going right past her.

"Akane Tendo! For turning Shampoo into a lesbian, DIE!"

"Bweeee?" P-chan asked, wondering what a 'lesbian' was. Oh. Wait a minute. Didn't that mean?! "BWEEEEE!" *spurt!*

"I wonder what that means," said Ranma who still had no clue even after seeing P-chan nosebleed with such force that he shot across the yard.

"Mousse go AWAY!" Akane flung Shampoo and bicycle off and proceeded to kick Mousse over the property wall of a nearby house.

"Akane finally show improvement!" Shampoo clapped her hands, grabbed Akane, and started bouncing around. "You finally not overextend! Shampoo happy!"

"GAkkkk!" Akane wasn't sure how to take an enthusiastically bouncy Shampoo.

"C'mon, Ranma," said Nabiki as she started walking off. "Let's give the lovebirds some privacy."

"Ah yeah," said Ranma, wishing that someone would explain what all was going on.

--------

Ryoga wandered around in a daze. Akane was married to Shampoo?

You leave for a couple of weeks and they change everything!

"Damn you, Ranma! This must be your fault too!" Ryoga paused with his fist still raised to the heavens. "Somehow."

----------

One more week later/Two weeks after Shampoo's announcement.

Akane didn't react, other than to block the ambushed attack. "Hello Shampoo."

"Akane show much much improvement," approved Shampoo.

"Yeah, I guess I have," grudgingly agreed Akane.

"Very soon start Akane on special manuevers! She want try Breaking Point?"

Akane thought back to Ryoga training in that manuever and getting boulders smashed into him. "Not just now."

Ranma swallowed nervously. Akane seemed to be getting along with Shampoo. What now?

"Ohohohohohoho!" announced a bouncing girl in leotard as she leapt towards Ranma.

*WHAM!* Akane and Shampoo simultaneously punched the Black Rose into next week.

Ukyo saw that and put her own plans of ambush to the side. She had to do something though - or she would lose out for sure!

-----------

Nabiki frowned at her sister. "Why do you want me to do this?"

"Because I can't handle being married to another girl!" Akane practically yelled. "Dad's going along with it now. Kasumi's been won over. Ranma's no help at all. Ever since the word got out that it was her personal honor and only way to avoid death, most of the school's in favor of it! SOME of them even admire Shampoo's initiative in taking an 'official mistress' position to salvage her honor!"

Nabiki let out a deep breath. "So, even though it is a choice between your pride and her life, and even if you are improving in the martial arts, you want me to find a way to break this arrangement?"

"Yes!" Akane said.

"There is one way," said Nabiki, holding out her book of Amazon Law. "The Ceremony Of Broken Flesh."

"So I just do this and she'll go away?" Akane asked eagerly.

"Not quite," admitted Nabiki. "You basically proclaim she's not worth marrying, followed by a duel. If you kill her, then you have respected her as a warrior and proclaimed her worthless as a woman. Her personal honor is lost, but her family's honor remains. If you don't kill her, well, things get worse."

"Worse?" Akane asked.

"If you don't kill her, then you are proclaiming her worthless as a warrior *and* as a woman. Her entire family is disgraced, her personal honor is gone, her family declares a Blood Feud and has to kill not only you but every member of your family that they can find." Nabiki looked off into the distance. "I personally think that qualifies as worse."

"Can't we just contact Immigration and have them deported?" Akane suggested.

"If you really think I have control of the Japanese government and can avoid opening a whole can of worms, and have a way of keeping this from becoming an escalation of violence with the potential for assassins to the destruction of an entire village to keep you safe?" Nabiki shrugged. "Personally, I think you should sit back and enjoy it. Shampoo doesn't want to bed you, just be Ranma's wife in HER laws with you as the mistress while in Japanese society she's the Mistress and you're the wife. You're getting what you want, which is martial arts training and respect from martial artists. She's getting what she wants - her shot at Ranma. Cologne's getting a future where she doesn't bury her great granddaughter in an unmarked grave. Mrs Saotome gets twice the chance for grandkids and proof of Ranma's 'manliness' so she's happy. Daddy gets one less obstacle to his plans - so he's happy."

"But *I* am not happy," protested Akane.

----------

Shampoo considered. Ukyo was still an obstacle. She hated to do this, but if she killed Ukyo it would simply upset Ranma and everyone involved.

----------

"Well, Ukyo-sama," pointed out Konatsu, "it isn't that different from your plan to seduce Akane and take the role of mistress so that you could still salvage your honor and have Ranma."

"It's different, Konatsu!" Ukyo insisted.

"How is it different?" Konatsu asked.

"It just IS," said Ukyo, not wanting to admit she'd been outmanuevered. "Here comes the lunch rush."

Discussions of mistresses and Amazons was put to the side while the work increased until Ukyo heard the sound of dropping silverware all over the restaurant. "Huh?" Her eyes flicked to the door. "WHAT?!"

Shampoo stood there, dressed in a single ribbon. It was one inch wide and covered everything but Mister Kawada at table #6 had to immediately check his pacemaker and Mister Boshi at table #4 had to take one of his Nitro pills.

It started as a choker on the neck, wound around her chest, and somehow terminated in bows at both ankles and both wrists. Everything important may have been covered but it was still enough that if Ryoga had been present he might have hemorraghed to death on the spot.

"They say is your birthday," said Shampoo with a sultry smile and half-lidded look. "Shampoo bring you present."

Mister Kawada signalled that he was choking, requiring Konatsu's help. Konatsu watched as Shampoo walked her slinky best to where Ukyo was slowly backing away. It looked like Ukyo was still gaping and staring. Oh dear.

Shampoo's smile never wavered as she backed Ukyo up to the wall, and planted a light hungry kiss on the chef's mouth. Breaking it, she looked into the eyes of her target. "Wo ai ni. Now you is not obstacle. Does Spatula girl want to unwrap present?" Shampoo was hoping to get this over with before her nerve failed.

Ukyo didn't know that. "EEEEEEEK!" (ZOOOM!)

----------

Akane was dazed and confused. She had just been reamed a new one by BOTH sisters. It had been so shocking that even P-chan had fainted!

Well, she'd just get a hot soak in the tub and clean P-chan off while she was at it. She just had to figure out how to get out of this without people getting killed left and right. Right?

Akane eased herself into the tub, not rinsing off in cold water for once. She had a lot on her mind. Then the weight change registered and she turned blank eyes to slowly register the weight in her lap.

"Errr. Uhh. Hi, Akane! Heh heh," tried Ryoga.

Akane had a habit of putting things in pigeonholes and keeping them there. Ranma was a pervert - evidence to the contrary - because when they met it was her first impression. She also tended to turn a blind eye to things that would make her uncomfortable. Ryoga being P-chan was a primary example of this. Since her mind refused to accept that P-chan had changed into Ryoga, it latched on to the next convenient explanation.

Ryoga was a friend. However, friends did not sit on your lap with their... touching your...

Therefore Ryoga was doing something perverted.

P-chan had been present. Ryoga was now there. Therefore Ryoga had done something to P-chan.

"EEEEEEEEEEK!"

"Hah?" Ryoga offered as he prepared to flee.

"PERVERT!"

Ryoga grabbed a towel as he prepared to run.

The water of the furo fountained up as Akane practically went incandescent. How dare Ryoga act like a friend but then do THAT and do something to P-chan!

Besides, she really needed to vent.

----------

Nabiki heard the shriek and cry of pervert and so picked up her camera and stood in a doorway facing the hall. She figured it would be Shampoo going too fast. Oh well.

Ryoga in a towel ran by. "RANMA! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Nabiki clicked the picture. Hmmm. Well, not exactly the picture she was aiming for.

Akane in glorious flesh tones ran by. "RYOGA! YOU GET BACK HERE!"

Nabiki clicked that picture too. Hmmm. Day was looking up.

The stomping around on the floors allowed her to keep track of the progress. Up the stairs. Kasumi's room. Oh, that sounded breakable. Hallway. HER room?! Akane would pay for that. Akane's room. Somehow without going through the hallway. Guest room. Hallway. Happosai's room.

"AH! MY PANTIES!" (CRASH, BANG, CRACK!) "YOU PHILLISTINES! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!"

Down the stairs. Around the hallway. Into the kitchen.

"Oh!"

"Sweet!"

Nabiki quickly made a guess and moved to the side near the patio.

"RANMA! BECAUSE OF YOU I'VE SEEN HELL!" There went Ryouga, wearing a towel and a pair of green panties?! (click whirr) Nice 8x10 of that.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY I LOOK LIKE HELL!" Akane ran out, currently wearing a nice yellow bra and panty set with a moon-and-stars print design, and with a number of other panties and bras draped over her. She also seemed to have found a mallet that bore the legend "300kg" on the side.

"AHHHHH! THOSE ARE MY SECOND MOST PRECIOUS SET!" Happosai came bouncing behind.

Kasumi came staggering out. "Oh dear."

"Uh huh," agreed Nabiki as she finished off the roll of film and snapped in another.

Around the koi pond. "RANMA!" "PERVERT!" "MY PANTIES!"

Mousse appeared. "AKANE TENDO! FOR YOUR CRIMES-" (WHAM!) (BANG!) (SMASH!)

Nabiki got a picture as the three ran over Mousse, and another after a pair of panties from Akane's stack landed on his face.

(sniff sniff) "Shampoo? A pair of Shampoo's panties. What bliss! What... Waitaminute. Akane had one of Shampoo's panties? She's keeping trophies?! AKANE TENDO, YOU'RE A WORSE CASANOVA THAN RANMA!"

Around the dojo. "IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" "WHAT DID YOU DO TO P-CHAN?!" "SWEET!" "DIE, AKANE!"

(CRASH) Through a new hole in the property wall.

"RANMA!" "COME BACK HERE AND BE PUNISHED!" "AW, C'MON, TAKE 'EM OFF!" "CASANOVA!"

--------

Tatewaki Kuno strode towards the Tendo house. Today he had heard a rumor about Akane deciding to accept a mistress. No doubt she had heard of his wrestling with his desires for herself and the pigtailed girl, and had come to this accomodation. How could he stay away?

A nearly naked boy ran past him. "AHHH! WHERE'S MY BACKPACK?"

Kuno shook his head. The lower classes and their petty concerns.

"RYOGA! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME THERE?!"

"Gak!" Now *that* comment got the Blue Thunder's attention. Some boy had taken liberties with Akane?!

"Shake it baby!"

Kuno thought back as Happosai bounded past. Akane hadn't been wearing a whole lot, had she? No doubt she'd been preparing herself for his arrival when...

"AKANE YOU LESBIAN TRAMP! PREPARE TO DIE!"

Kuno turned and gave chase. "HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE FAIR AKANE'S REPUTATION! PREPARE TO BE SMITED!"

-------

The Horde Of Hentai (and a few others) were debating what to do. Nerima was so boring if you weren't a martial artist and since the Akane Fights were cancelled.

"ARGHHH!" Ryoga ran by.

"DIE!" Akane ran by.

"PANTIES!" Happosai bounced by.

"PERVERT!" Mousse ran by.

"KNAVE!" Kuno ran by.

Hiroshi blinked. "Was Akane wearing a pair of french cut lace panel panties with matching bra?"

Daisuke noddded. "Yup. Sure was."

Shinju of the Sumo Club cleared his throat. "Hey, it beats sitting around here being bored."

"Got a point," admitted Hiroshi. "AFTER THEM!"

---------

Principal Kuno looked out. Was that two of his students? Streaking?! "Hey that be fine Hawaiian tradition, but you no do that here!"

And another body was added to the chase scene.

---------

"EEEEEEE!" Ukyo shrieked as a glance back showed that Shampoo was in hot pursuit.

"AIREN!" Shampoo declared, somehow not bouncing out of her ribbon.

"UKYO-SAMA!" Konatsu called out.

Naturally they were on one street, Akane's chase scene on another. Naturally the streets merged.

--------

Yuka watched them go by. "You know, we've never gotten involved in these."

Sayuri nodded. "Well I'm curious." She rang her bicycle bell a couple of times before starting to peddle.

(Ding ding) Yuka aimed her own bicycle that way. (ding ding)

---------

Ranma sat down at Akie's and motioned to get the waitress.

He didn't have much money, the tuna melt was cheap, and there were no fiancees/rivals to interrupt the meal. He could eat relatively slowly and actually taste the food.

Sure he could scam free food from Ucchan's or the Cat Cafe. How often could he actually enjoy the meal?

"AIIEEEE!" Ryoga ran by with an expression of fear on his face.

Ranma hid his face.

"RYOGA! COME BACK HERE AND ACCEPT YOUR PUNISHMENT!"

"I'M NOT THAT WAY!"

"UKYO-AIREN! AKANE-AIREN!"

"MARTENE! MARTENE!"

"LET GO OF ME, YOU STUPID WENCH!"

(Bounce, bounce, bounce.)

"AKANE, YOU PERVERT! HOW DARE YOU LEAD SHAMPOO ON LIKE THAT!"

"UKYO-SAMA!"

"KNAVE, PREPARE TO BE SMITED FOR SPEAKING THUS OF THE BEAUTEOUS AKANE!"

"Akane! Let us view your near naked splendor!"

"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Keikei stop streaking! At least wear'a da grass skirt!"

(ding ding)

"Delinquents!"

"Woof woof woof!"

Ranma slowly slid back up from where he'd slumped down out of sight. "A dog? I don't recognize it. Huh. That's new."

"So here's your tuna melt!" said the perky waitress. "I like the tuna melt too!"

"Uhm, about what I was doing?" Ranma began, but then he looked past the waitress and stopped. People were putting aside trenchcoats, floppy hats, newspapers, and others were coming out from where they'd dove under the table.

"We get a lotta people here that do that," exclaimed the waitress before skipping off to her next table.

-------

Sailor Pluto stepped out of an alley, put the boom box style radio on the folding table, curtseyed, and then sat down to sip a cup of tea.

"Yakety sax" (Benny Hill chase music) began playing.

"WHY CAN'T I GET LOST *NOW*?!" Ryoga demanded as he ran past.

"COME BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT!" Akane demanded as she ran past, carrying an ogre's studded club because she felt the mallet was too cliche.

"WAAAH! WHERE'D MY TOP GO?!"

"RIGHT HERE SPATula- I mean AIREN!"

"UKYO-SAMA!"

"Akane! Let us get photos!"

"FIENDS! HOW DARE YOU OBTAIN LINGERIE PHOTOS OF AKANE TENDO WITHOUT MAKING ME COPIES! I SHALL SMITE THEE!"

"Keikei - I finda da nice grass skirt for you!"

"OHOHOHOHO oh to heck with it."

"Woof wooof woof!"

"MARTENE! LASSIE! JEAN LUC!"

"RYOGA, FOR DEFILING MY COLLECTION YOU MUST PAY!"

"AKANE, YOU CASANOVA!"

"Delinquents!"

"LADIES OF THE 'WOMEN AGAINST PUBLIC VIOLENCE' - CHARGE!"

(ding ding) (ding ding)

"HAPPOSAI! YOU WILL CHANGE MY NAME THIS TIME!"

The group ran into a costume store. When they came out, it was out the drug store on the other side.

Ryoga was wearing a French maid outfit. "RANMA! BECAUSE OF YOU I HAVE SEEN PARIS!"

Akane was wearing a Playboy bunny costume and carrying a large halibut. "Ryoga! Prepare to get fish-slapped!"

"THAT JACKASS! HEY, why am I wearing a cheerleader costume?"

"Looks very goods on airen! Matches Shampoo's outfit!"

"UKYO-SAMA?! This isn't my color."

"AKANE! YOU CASANOVA! HOW DARE YOU DRESS ME UP AS LITTLE BO PEEP!"

"SWEET! ACK! MOUSSE! YOU'LL GIVE ME NIGHTMARES FOR A WEEK! HAPPODAIKAREN!"

"Most Ominous!"

(ding ding) "Say, Yuka, that catgirl suit looks cute on you!"

(ding ding) "Thanks Sayuri. That chainmail bikini doesn't really seem 'you' somehow."

"What happened to my dragonscale vest and why am I wearing a pink tutu?"

"CHARGE!"

Zoom, they went into a second store. Out they came from a third store. Now Ryoga was wearing Taro's normal clothes, Akane was wearing Ryoga's outfit, Ukyo was wearing a French maid outfit, Shampoo was wearing a Playboy bunny costume, Tatewaki Kuno was wearing the silver ribbon, Konatsu was wearing the Little Bo Peep outfit, Happosai was dressed as a nun, Mousse was wearing the pink tutu, Yuka and Sayuri were wearing cheerleader costumes, Azusa was wearing nothing at all, and Mikado was wearing a chainmail bikini.

Zoom, they blurred into "Shiro's Ramen Hut." Zoom, out of "Joe's Mirror Shop" with the accompanying sounds of glass breaking and a practitioner of Martial Arts Waitressing in pursuit. Zoom into "Bull's China Shop" only to emerge a moment later from the "Spells R Us" shop with an upset wizard joining the chase.

Zoom!

A little pushcart from Jaki's Gumball Machines had Jaki Ohara (the personable owner, been in the business since The War) looking up just before he was run over by a guy in a bandana (currently wearing a chainmail bikini) and a little over a thousand gumballs sprung loose from his now-ruptured pushcart. (A late effect of this incident would be Jaki railing against transvestites and retiring from the business.) While Jaki tried to find his dislodged glasses, others were leaping or trying to dodge around the kneeling fellow and ended up coming down on the aforementioned gumballs.

"WAHHH!" Akane (cavegirl costume with club) windmilled her arms as her balance went to pot and she noticed the next mile or so was downhill.

"EEEK!" Ukyo exclaimed as things got worse. At least she was wearing a catgirl costume now.

"AIREN! You come back before get injured." (SMASH!) Shampoo covered herself right before going through the pane of window glass being carried by two guys. "Good thing Shampoo wearing nun's robes. Not so good for costume."

"UKYO SAMAHHHHHHHHGH!" Konatsu managed before he hit the vegetable cart.

"AKANE MY LOVE!" (CRASH!) "WHAT FOUL CRETIN PUT THESE CRATES OF CHICKENS IN THE VENERABLE BLUE THUNDER'S PATH! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!" (Smash!) "AWAY IGNOBLE FOWL! STOP PECKING THE NOBLE SON OF HOUSE KUNO!"

(ding ding) "Oh my how unfortunate, Yuka."

(ding ding) "Glad we've got wide tires, Sayuri."

"SWEET ARRGGHHHH! WHY ARE YOU WEARING A TUTU?!"

"THE PERVERSITY OF AKANE TENDO KNOWS NO BOUNDS!" Mousse exclaimed, not realizing that the magic costumes changed to fit whoever was wearing them and had some potential mental effects.

"The Black Rose of Saint Hebereke... say, this outfit may be pedestrian, but it really looks good on my noble self."

-------

The small crowd of people stopped at the intersection.

A guy in a chainmail bikini ran past, followed by a cavegirl swinging a club, followed by a catgirl, followed by a nun in tattered robes, followed by a girl in a waitress outfit with pieces of vegetable sticking to her, followed by a longhaired guy in glasses wearing a pink tutu, being berated by a short old man in a schoolgirl costume, who was being whapped over the head with a halibut wielded by some guy wearing a fig leaf and yelling about the righteousness of the heavens while being pecked at by about a dozen chickens, followed by two French maids on bicycles...

(ding ding)

...followed by a guy and a girl in cheerleader costumes, who were being chased by a half dozen middleaged women yelling about perverts (and wearing in order in the pack: a clown suit, a Playboy Bunny costume, a feather boa and red sequined dress, a chicken costume, some strategically placed bandaids, and a football player's uniform).

There was some blinking about the small crowd that had stopped.

Lagging slightly behind was someone calling herself the Black Bun-bun of Saint Hebereke and wearing another Playboy Bunny costume, a trashcan complaining about everyone borrowing *his* trick, a small group of teenage boys wearing seifuku, some guy in a bathrobe, a sort of winged minotaur, a middleaged guy with a palm tree in his hair who was wearing a sheep suit, and some girl in a spacesuit.

Just when they thought that was it, a middleaged guy in a gi and a panda dashed past on the trail of the others.

As one, the small stopped group turned and looked at one in their midst. "Mihoshi?!"

"It wasn't me! Honest!"

----------

Nabiki twitched as she watched things develop on the TV.

"This is Yuriko Tanaka, the chase scene chaser for Channel 5 Eyewitless News! We have a chase scene in progress in Nerima ward in Tokyo and OH! They've just crossed into Shinjuku! It looks to be quite the chase scene here today folks! Wait a minute. What's a panda doing in a chase scene?"

"That's it," said Nabiki, grabbing a camcorder.

"Oh my, Nabiki, are you getting involved?"

"Yes, Kasumi. I can sell this to the newspeople now that it's made the news. Let's go!"

Kasumi blinked. "Me?"

"Weren't you just complaining that you never go anywhere? Besides, we can go shopping on the way back."

Kasumi considered. "That does sound like fun, but how will we keep up?"

"I've got it covered," Nabiki assured her sister.

---------

Sailor Pluto finished dusting off a large "X" in the street, then stepped back while checking a watch.

Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune ran out of an alley and stood on the red "X" without apparently noticing. "Where's the yoma? Sailor Pluto?!"

"Uranus, do you remember after Galaxia when I told you that I forgave you for causing my death once through poor planning and directly killed me later by a really poorly thought out plan to surprise Galaxia?" Sailor Pluto asked as she began playing chase scene music on her boom box.

"Uhm, yeah?" answered the puzzled Uranus.

Pluto leaned back against the building. "I lied."

(WHAM!) "Ahhhh! I'm so sorry!" A boy in a chainmail bikini said as he got all tangled up with Sailor Uranus.

"GOT YOU!" (THWAM!) "Oops! Sorry!" Akane declared as her club flattened some girl in a skating outfit as Ryoga fled again.

"Uranus!" Neptune declared on seeing her lover practically become one with the pavement.

"SWEET!" (GLOMP!)

This was so thoroughly unelegant that Sailor Neptune wasn't sure what to do. There was a shriveled little man rubbing his face against her cleavage. "URK!"

The buildings began to shake, pebbles danced along the street. "DEATH TO PERVERTS!" (WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM!) "MISSED HIM!"

(ding ding) "Oops. More skating martial artists?"

(ding ding) "I don't know, Yuka, there's something about the blonde that reminds me of Happosai."

(TRAMPLE, CRUSH, GROPE)

Now with many footprints, disheveled clothing, and other marks of this experience, the two Outers slowly raised themselves up off the pavement. Sailor Pluto was nowhere to be seen, but some guy with a wooden stick and wearing a blue kendo outfit, was apparently finishing changing clothes.

"What fire, what spirit, what beauty," said Tatewaki Kuno as beheld the somewhat smooshed beauty before him.

"Huh?!" Sailor Uranus said as her Sailor transformation cut out.

Michiru was the first to put clues together. "Haruka! Someone in that crowd must have grabbed our transformation pens!"

(GRAB GROPE FONDLE!) "Fair Amazon! I shall date with thee!"

"ACCCCKKKKKK!" said Haruka before punching and beating on the boy.

Said boy got back up. "Zounds! Thy ferocity and passion exceed even the pigtailed one!"

"AAHHHHHHHHH!" Haruka screamed, giving chase to the crowd so that she could get her transformation pen back.

"AHHHHHHH!" Michiru screamed as she wasn't about to be left alone with this pest.

After all three had left, Setsuna shut off the camcorder and moved to the next spot.

----------

Genma looked back behind him.

"Clear the streets! Escaped panda!" The loudspeaker from the Tokyo Zoo van was fairly clear in its opinion of what should happen to the panda.

"No! Return it to the wild!" was the cry of the Greenpeace crowd chasing after it.

"GROWF!" Genma exclaimed as he dodged someone pouncing. [I'm just a cute little panda!]

----------

Everything, even outrageous chase scenes like this must come to an end.

"HE'S WHAT?"

Not just yet though.

Kuno listened avidly.

"I'm Sailor Pluto, the Senshi of Time who waits by the Gates Of Time, right?"

Haruka and Michiru nodded while running.

Pluto drove along on her skateboard as if she'd spent years mastering the skill. "I've been to the future, right?"

Haruka and Michiru nodded while running, again.

"So... it wasn't revenge to tell you that you were going to meet your mutual future husband there, was it?"

"URK!" Haruka didn't look at all happy.

"His name is Tatewaki Kuno and he stops chasing his 'pigtailed girl' and a girl named Akane Tendo because he realizes that they were childhood infatuations and that you two are his true loves. Originally he starts out trying to end your 'unnatural fascination' for each other but just joins both of you soon enough."

"URK!" Michiru didn't look happy either.

"After you have the seventh baby," said Pluto, "I'd expect you begin to get along better with him."

"URK!" Haruka and Michiru looked most unhappy.

"So it is my glorious destiny to save these two maidens from their relationship?" Kuno cut in.

"That sounds right," admitted Pluto.

"FEAR NOT, FAIR MAIDENS! I SHALL DELIVER YOU!" Kuno proclaimed.

"Ahhhhhhh!" declared the two Outer Senshi as they attained a new level of speed.

Pluto just guided her skateboard to the side.

"Setsuna-san, wasn't that..." Ami cleared her throat.

Minako and Makoto merely stared as if seeing Pluto in an entirely new light.

"It was one of a number of possible futures, and it assures a reasonable chance of their being heirs to the posts of Uranus and Neptune, does it not?" Pluto asked.

"Yes, but..." Ami shuddered. "Possible futures might have anything occur."

"Yes," admitted Pluto, "but not all of them are this amusing. Now are you coming or not?"

-------------

"This is Yuriko Tanaka, the chase scene chaser for Channel 5 Eyewitless News! It looks like a record for chase scenes today! Over four hundred people involved and it has just passed into Juuban! What do you say, Chet?"

"It truly is a record, Yuriko. I've never seen a chase scene with so many crossdressers, with a winged minotaur and a panda involved as well!"

"Oh no! They've just gone into the Dark Kingdom Pie Factory! Their grand opening was scheduled for tomorrow and the proprietor - a Mister Jedite Phoenix - was supposed to be giving a discount to Sailor Senshi lookalikes with a contest for the best lookalike group! I was looking forward to covering that!"

"We had an interview with his three employees, Lar-E, Curl-E, and Mo-E, earlier. Can we roll tape?"

----------

Ryoga entered the warehouse and realized this was his big chance. He'd dive behind this wooden bench and (Thud)

Akane stopped at the door to the warehouse when she realized that she was providing a target when (SPLUT! THWUP! SPLAT!) three pies struck her! One in the face, one in her cleavage, and one lower than that. Her mad had been slowly ebbing away, but this served to reignite it. "Y-y-you PERVERT!"

----------

"I don't understand, how can Jedite have returned?" Mercury asked Pluto.

"My fault. Well, Haruka's fault. If not for her tactics I would not have needed to use 'Time Stop'," said Pluto.

"'Time Stop'?" Mercury asked.

"During the assault on Mughen Gakuen? I used a forbidden power - 'Time Stop' which instantly killed me until I was resurrected by Princess Serenity," said Pluto with a sigh. It seemed her only vacation time was when she got killed and *that* was no fun at all. "Jedite was encased in crystal 'until the end of time.'"

Mercury ahhed. "When you stopped time, that counted as an end of time, and he was freed. So he's spent this time gathering up resources to strike back at us?"

"Except that now his plans are getting ruined," agreed Pluto.

---------

Akane was slammed forward where she fell into a pie display. She came up, covered with cream and bits of flaky crust, and armed for the battle ahead.

The crowd quickly began entering, each briefly silhoutted against the door to become an "easy target".

Pies flew. It was not a case of choosing one's target carefully and only responding in kind. For one thing, after the first volley or so, it was difficult to tell WHO one was aiming at with a few notable exceptions.

Happosai, who was the short mound of meringue bouncing madly all over the place.

Taro-minotaur, but he had decided to leave and take station outside the door and bash anyone trying to leave.

Genma-panda, who was the large pile of pudding and cream who had decided he'd died and gone to heaven. After the twelfth "gut-buster" "Death By Chocolate" cream pie was swallowed whole, he was more apt to leave off the "gone to heaven" part.

Nabiki had run in with her camcorder and promptly been deluged from all sides with pies, then clonked on the head when someone threw a brick of frozen custard. Nabiki had fallen back into the promotional cream lemon pie and was considered MIA.

"Oh pie!"

Oh, and Kasumi discovered that she was having fun with this and had managed to tag everyone at least once.

"Delinquents!" (Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat!)

Pies continued to fly. Most were perfectly normal and splatted in gooey satisfactory manner. Apple and various fruit pies, chocolate and vanilla pies, cream pies of nearly any variety imaginable, custard pies and even cheesecakes flew through the air on their paths of destruction.

Of course, because it *was* a Dark Kingdom Pie Factory, some of the pies were considerably less normal than others.

Being flung around by the tentacles of a cream lemon pie, Nabiki would have attested to that if she could breathe regularly.

A number of pies had been carefully prepared to negate magical transformations. The effect on people that were not transformed - none. Which meant that Genma transformed back, but no one else was paying attention.

Everyone else was consumed with the battles at hand! No quarter asked for or given! Anything moving was fair game!

"All of you! This is the police! Come out with your hands up!" (Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat!)

-----------

Three girls nervously sat at one end of the room. One girl sat at the other.

"Why everyone sit over there?"

Forced to spend time in a jail cell with Shampoo, the three eyed their "wife" nervously.

"Shampoo think this idea working out," said Shampoo happily. "Shampoo can be patient."

Akane, Ukyo, and Kodachi all wondered how long they'd spend in the same cell with Shampoo.



==========