Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Fistful Of Omake ❯ What If Bugs Bunny Raised Ranma? ( Chapter 27 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

The three-eyed being considered. "Worse father than Ranma, eh? How about..."

"STOP! STOP! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BUDDY!"

Everyone present (currently a black cat, Shiva, a minor goddess named Exe, and Sif) all smirked slightly at the person storming up to them.

After the Bet and this current series of simulations, it was easily predictable that sooner or later *he* would show up.

Ranma glared at the pool, then at those present. "This kinda crap is..."

"A divergence among thousands of other possibilities," suggested Toltiir.

Ranma looked everywhere *except* at the c-c-c-c- furry thing. "I just heard about some lame ass simulation: 'What If Ranma's Father Had Been James Bond'? What kinda crap is THAT?"

"You were raised to be a hell-on-wheels martial artist, smart, sophisticated, and with a suite of superspy skills other spies could only envy. What exactly was wrong with that?" Exe looked puzzled. That had been her own contribution and she couldn't understand why the boy was so upset by such a simulation.

"Yeah, and I ended up meeting the Tendos and who did I end up with? None of them! Ukyo? Shampoo? Never even met 'em. I end up with some gal I've never heard of before!" Ranma ranted as if this had been some great crime inflicted upon him.

"And your point is?" asked Toltiir, neutralizing Ranma's fear of cats because it was not currently amusing.

Ranma glared at the feline. "This crap about different fathers is nuts. If me and Akane got a break about..."

Toltiir now looked exactly like Doctor Leonard McCoy from the original Star Trek and was moving a salt shaker up and down the paralyzed Ranma. "Hmmm. I thought so. This one is from one of those universes where he has severe brain damage, ends up married to Akane Tendo, and she kills her baby by shaking it to death when she reverts to pattern. Guilt has Ranma worshipping Akane after she's committed to the Shemp Institute. I have a solution."

"What's that?" Ranma asked after being un-paralyzed.

"Prove you can do better," challenged Toltiir. "Unless, of course, you're afraid."

Ranma hemmed and hawwed and blustered, but the challenge had been made. He picked up a stone and threw it. It didn't have martial arts in front of it, so the stone bounced off one of the Well's rimstones, carommed off a pillar, flipped through the air, and eventually slammed down onto the top of Ranma's head. Then it bounced into the well.

"Oh crap," said Ranma, summing it up quite nicely as he saw the changes taking place.

---------

Genma decided that Nodoka would spoil the boy, her motherly affection would cause Ranma to miss his full potential as a warrior.

Of course, that was hardly the truth or the full story. Genma hated drudgery, hated work, hated a woman telling him what to do or how much he could drink.

Hated seeing a swirling gateway appear and suck Ranma through.

Genma blinked, looked down at his bottle, then back at the empty campsite, then finally back at the bottle again. "Then again, maybe Nodoka has a point."

-------

Ten years, eleven months, three weeks later:

Genma sighed deeply. He'd only been reunited with Ranma for the better part of two days and he was more than dubious about how this would all work out.

"So this is Ranma?" Nabiki looked over the tall lean boy with a practiced eye. "Interesting." What she actually thought was *Yummy!*

"Hmmph!" Akane commented. "Are you sure he's a martial artist?"

"Sure I'm sure," said Ranma by reply, waggling his eyebrows. "I'm a martial artiste, among other things. Here, my card!" (Rapid throw technique.)

"Oh my. 'Ranma Saotome, PhD, DoD, RSVP, COD'?" Kasumi blinked at the business card suddenly in her hands.

"Hmmmm. 'Ranma Saotome, marital artist'? Sounds *very* interesting," purred Nabiki.

Akane glanced down at the business card briefly, then deliberately ripped it in half. "REAL martial artists don't carry business cards. Especially ones that read 'Ranma Saotome, Acme School Of Martial Arts.' What kind of idiot school is that anyway?"

Ranma put on a wounded expression and acted mortally wounded. "Ah. Dear me. The mademoiselle has insulted me and my school of martial artistry. There of course can be no recourse now but ze deul." Ranma took a white glove out of somewhere and slapped Akane in the face with it.

*CLANG!*

Akane dropped.

Ranma looked puzzled, shook the glove, and looked very surprised when a large anvil fell (incidently landing on Akane) out of it. "However did *that* get in there?" (Innocent look.)

"OOoooo," began Akane looking at the little birdies. She shook her head, realized there actually *were* little birdies flying around her, and swung her arms to knock them away. "You won't catch me unawares in the dojo."

"The dojo it is," agreed Ranma, looking solemn and adjusting his samurai armor. "Ah, death is lighter than a banana, duty heavier than an uncute tomboy."

Nabiki blinked. Where had he gotten that armor from?

Akane scowled. "That's 'death is lighter than a feather, duty is heavier than a mountain' you moron!"

"That's right! Give the girl a cigar!" Ranma stuffed a cigar in Akane's mouth and put a little graduation cap on her head. "Tell the girl what she's won!"

*BOOM!*

Akane's face was blackened and her hair smouldering after the cigar exploded. She blinked comically for a moment.

Ranma was wearing a suit and tie now, and speaking into a microphone. "Why our lovely contestant here has won free dance lessons!"

"You! You! You!" Akane wasn't quite sure what to say so she'd let her fingers do the walking. Reaching out and strangling this guy wasn't a martial arts manuever, but it would sure make her feel a lot better.

Ranma batted aside the grasping fingers, spun Akane through a high speed pirouette, and then let her go so that he could set up a stereo in the corner.

Nabiki wondered where the stereo had come from, also Ranma's tuxedo, as well as Akane's Playboy Bunny suit.

"EEEEEK!" Akane had just discovered what she was wearing.

"Non non non," chided Ranma in a thick French accent. "Zis will never do. Zee mademoiselle should try for zomething with a leetle more dignity, oui?"

(SPIN) clown suit (SPIN) leather dominatrix outfit (SPIN) some sort of pink dress with way too many ruffles and bows to be anything but "gag me" cute (SPIN) dressed as a member of the Dirty P... (ahem) Lovely Angels (SPIN) A tight tuxedo that nonetheless managed to look fairly good on her "no, not quite right" (SPIN) catgirl costume (SPIN) sailor senshi seifuku (SPIN) "AH! Perfect, mam'selle is ready."

Dizzy and feeling as if she were going to puke, Akane tried to steady herself against a wall.

Nabiki looked at the pile of discarded clothing and wondered if Akane would mind if she "borrowed" a few outfits.

Akane finally oriented enough to look down and gasped. Motion caught her eye and she noticed the full length mirror Ranma had somehow whipped out of a pocket. She was wearing a high collared yellow silk Chinese dress decorated with delicately embroidered flowers, high heels of the same color, and elegant looking silk gloves that came to just above her elbow. Her makeup had been expertly done to look elegant and sexy, and her hair had been piled up and pinned with an ornamental hairclip. Akane continued to stare, entranced with this vision of herself as beautiful sexy and quite tastefully done. "Hah?!"

Ranma smiled as he inspected her. Then turned his attention to the other two.

Kasumi "oh my"ed a lot as she took in her own burgandy version of Akane's current wear, and Nabiki snapped a Chinese fan open as she crowded Akane away from the mirror to inspect her own outfit in shades of blue. "Hmmm."

"GAK!" Ranma managed as a pair of outraged feminine hands finally found his neck.

"YOU PERVERT!" Akane growled, looking somewhat less elegant as she went into a fury. "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS FIGHT THAT EASY!"

Ranma abruptly slid out of Akane's grip. "Okay, okay. Sheesh! What a grouch!"

(SPIN!) Akane lurched out of this high speed piroutte. "You won't catch me that way... again?!"

Ranma stared comically. This wasn't that noticeable as everyone else was staring as well.

Akane had gotten disrobed but had broken free before the re-robing part had occurred. She was, therefore, naked. "EEEEEEK!" (Zoom!)(Slam!)

"Oh well, I'll be in the dojo waiting for our fight," said Ranma.

Kasumi and Nabiki looked thoughtful, then went to their rooms to change clothes.

-------

WHAT IF BUGS BUNNY HAD RAISED RANMA? an omake by Gregg Sharp

-------

"Well, which of your daughters should we engage to Ranma?" Genma asked.

Ranma passed by doing a Russian step dance. He was juggling Akane in midair with each kick.

"I'm not sure, Saotome," replied Soun.

"Get back here!" Akane yelled, carrying a stone lantern over her head and chasing a terrified (apparently) Ranma.

Genma blinked. Why was Akane wearing a pink tutu? Oh well, best not to dwell on these things.

"What exactly happened anyway?" Soun inquired.

"Stop right there, you jerk!" Akane now had acquired a large mallet and was swinging wildly as she chased Ranma. She was also wearing a leather SS uniform.

"I'm not sure, Tendo," said Genma.

Ranma passed by, Akane slowed to a stop as she realized that the handle of her mallet was red? And why was it sputtering? Slowly she looked up, seeing a fuse disappearing into the shaft.

*BOOM!*

Standing in a blackened circle, the only thing not black and crispy looking on Akane were her wildly blinking eyes and the small patch of her hair that was on fire. She coughed and fell over after holding that pose briefly.

A siren whooping sounded briefly, and the ambulance (about the size of a clown car) ran over Akane before coming to a stop. Out popped Ranma, wearing a Doctor's outfit. "Oh no! A patient! Just a moment!" At high speed he wrapped her up with bandages so that she resembled an extra in "The Mummy Family Reunion."

"Mffff?" Akane woke up. "MFFFF! MMMMM! MMMMMF!"

"Oh no! The patient is agitated. I have to use a sedative!" Ranma rooted around in his pants pockets briefly, pulled out a mallet marked "30t" and slammed it into Akane. Akane stopped moving. "Nurse!"

Nabiki appeared, wearing a very short nurse outfit. Hey, it was better than being a patient! "Yes, doctor?"

"The patient is resting now. She looks to have a serious case of uncute tomboy-itis with a side disorder of temper." Ranma tossed the mallet off to the side where it bonked Genma (accidently?) and pulled a clipboard out of another pocket.

"Oh no, doctor," said Nabiki, playing her part to the hilt. She'd already seen that Akane hadn't been injured by any of this, so a little mischief wasn't too much to ask, was it? "Can she be cured?"

Ranma hugged his nurse, pink light and sakura petals drifting down briefly. "There there, Nurse Nabiki! It's far too early in this skit to give up hope! I prescribe a morphine drip!"

"Doctor, you shouldn't. You may have to operate later."

Ranma sighed and hooked the drip up to the patient instead. "I suppose you're right. We don't have a donor for a cute transplant, that leaves us only one option!"

"MMMrrFF!" Akane protested just before the morphine hit. "Mmmmmmm?! Hmmmm." Oh look at all the pretty colors!

Kasumi, now wearing a similar doctor's outfit and an intern's badge, sidled up next to the ambulance and wondered if she'd get any decent lines. Well, at least she could remove the morphine drip before Akane got stoned out of her mind. "What option is that, Doctor?"

"SURGERY!" Ranma declared, pulling an old handsaw, a set of C-clamps, a Clamp manga, and a sewing kit out of a pocket. "Ve vill perform ze surgery on ze fraulein and remove ze uncuteness."

"MMMFFFF!" Akane preferred the pretty colors. Especially as she saw the saw being applied to her midsection.

"Oh doctor," said Kasumi, noting that the handsaw was actually made of rubber and becoming less alarmed as a result, "do you think there's hope for her?"

Pulling a pair of gastanks and a mask out of the ambulance, Ranma nodded. He quickly fixed the mask over Akane's face and turned the valve. "Never give up Hope, Intern Kasumi! He's one of my favorite comedians."

Akane struggled briefly, especially as the gas feed was inflating her bandages. "HMMMM HMMMM!"

"La de da la da da dee da daa," sang Ranma as he sharpened some steak knives.

"Do you mind if I get a camera?" Nabiki inquired, as Ranma seemed not to notice Akane now puffed out and bobbing at the end of the hose like a balloon.

"Oh my, Akane, you look uncomfortable there," said Kasumi, who helpfully slipped off the end of the hose.

"MMMMFFFFFFF!" Akane protested this action as she began drifting up and away. The yard dwindling rapidly below her.

"Well, I've never lost a patient before," said Ranma, staring up. "And I won't now!"

Kasumi waved at her flying sister. "Akane, don't forget to pick up some milk before dinner!"

Ranma had somehow managed to pull a 50mm anti-aircraft cannon out of his vest. "Don't worry! I'll get her down."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Soun Tendo had at last been jolted from his near catatonia. He leapt into the seat, knocking Ranma sprawling. "You mustn't!" He sighed as he realized that at last his little girl was safe. *BOOM* "oops."

The drifting balloon waved her arms and legs frantically as the shot headed directly for her. *BOING!*

Akane stared in disbelief at the nerf projectile bouncing off her balloon.

*FSSSSTTTTT!*

Akane began waving her arms and legs again frantically as she began leaking gas.

"I'll catch her, I'll catch her," yelled Ranma as he ran beneath the falling girl, holding up a catcher's mitt. "I'll catch her!"

Akane continued to fall, wondering why it was taking so long when she'd only been 1000 feet up.

"I'll catch her, I'll catch her," exclaimed Ranma, holding up a fishtank filled with Rigellian suckerfish.

Akane finished taking off her bandages, still falling.

"I'll catch her, I'll catch her," continued Ranma, running around with a rubber chicken and a jar of vaseline.

Akane drummed her fingers against one cheek, wishing there was an inflight movie.

"I'll catch her, I'll... NOT GONNA GO THERE," Ranma abruptly turned around. "Nope nope nope."

Behind him, Akane fell through the roof of a convention center marked "Busty Lesbian Nymphomaniac Fetish Festival 4."

"EEEAAGGHHHHHHHH!"

Prayer beads in hand, Ranma briefly said a mantra for the soul of the poor girl. "Alas Akane, I knew her well, Hentaio. A person of mediocre jest and poor judgement. May she find happiness in her next life."

"I'm not dead!" A voice protested, wafting from somewhere in the convention center. "NO! THAT IS NOT AN ENTRY POINT! DON'T EVEN THINK OF IT!"

"Ah, Akane, I can almost hear your voice," continued Ranma.

"AAAGHHH!" Sounds of violence commenced.

Ranma shrugged and walked away, finally reaching the Tendo home after a long and arduous trek. "Oh, the horror. To be rejected for the embrace of other girls. The shame of it."

"WHERE'S AKANE?!" Soun went to demon head.

Ranma thought for a moment, snapped his fingers and dashed into a broom closet. Immediately thereafter he jumped back, having changed clothes to a tuxedo and top hat. "OBSERVE! Hey Nabiki, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat," Ranma put the hat on the ground, made a mystic pass over it, reached in, and pulled Akane (again dressed in a bunny costume) out of his hat. "Presto!"

Nabiki and Kasumi politely applauded.

"Who? What? Where? When? Why?" Akane shook her head. "YOU?! Why you... you..."

"For my next trick," Ranma announced, slamming a large rectangular box down over Akane. He pulled a chainsaw out of his hat, sliced the box into three sections, and then bowed. He then spun the pieces around, back again, and opened the front of the box to reveal a very pale Akane.

"YOU INSANE... DO YOU REALIZE..." Akane's voice trailed off. She jumped up. *THUMP* *THUNK* *THUD* Akane tried again with the same results. Her legs came down immediately, her center shortly thereafter, and her head last of all. "Uh oh."

Ranma rubbed his hands together. "Don't worry, I can fix it. Oh, Kasumi, do you have a sewing machine? And about thirty feet of duct tape?"

"Why yes!"

Akane fainted.

-------

"So it's been decided," said Soun solemnly.

"Yes," agreed Genma, locking sides with his old buddy.

"Akane will marry Ranma," the two said in unison.

"WHAT?!" To say Akane was alarmed with this latest development was a gross understatement. "I'd rather marry KUNO!"

(Elsewhere, Tatewaki Kuno had this sudden sneezing fit but also felt much better.)

"WHAT?!" Ranma looked thoughtful. "Hmmm. Well, in that case, there's only one thing to do."

Genma blanched. "No. Not that."

"Yes," said Ranma with an evil gleam, pulling his microphone out again. "A karaoke party!"

(grab) (smash) (twist) (bend) (mutilate)

Akane growled. "I. Hate. You."

"Now now you two, you should kiss and make up," suggested Soun, who it should be noted was a little zoned out from earlier events - not that he was exactly running on all cylinders under the best of circumstances.

Ranma brightened slightly, grabbed Akane's hand, and started kissing his way up her arm. "Ah! Le Belle Le Chere! Ah, Le Moon. Ah, Le June! Ahhhhh!"

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" (Zoom!) Akane was doing her level best to imitate a starship entering warp drive without benefit of either.

"She is the shy one, no?" Ranma said, adopting a pose of declaration as the dust trail from Akane's exit began dissipating. "In which case, eet is the duty of ze fiance to help her overcome zis problem. Oui?"

"Oui!" Nabiki said, now wearing a french beret, striped shirt, and suspenders. "Eet es fate, I think."

Kasumi, similarly attired, smiled a mysterious little smile but nodded.

"Een dat case," concluded Ranma, waggling eyebrows, "I must make haste and meet with her at de casbah." (Zoom!)

Nabiki sipped at the mysterious mug that had appeared when the decor of the sitting room had changed to "French cafe circa 1920" including the little cups of coffee. How predictable. French roast. "What were you saying about younger men being boring, Kasumi?"

Kasumi blinked. "Did I really say that?"

"aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!" (Zoom!) Akane ran by, running so fast that her legs were a blur.

(skip hop skip hop skip hop) Ranma went by a moment later in a lazy-slow looking pursuit that somehow or other managed to keep up with Akane. "Le mew, le meow, le rowrrrrrrr!"

------

At a place called Mimir's Well, another Ranma stared in horror.

Toltiir snickered. "Not bad."

"Well, it's just a simulation," said Ranma as he tried not to look at what had happened.

"Au contraire," said Exe, pointing to the simulation devices sitting a few yards away. "This is Mimir's Well. You just modified a Ranma timeline."

"No..." Ranma whispered, staring at the still continuing horror.

---------

Akane trudged along to school, looking almost like she belonged in "Night Of The Living Dead XIII" or something along those lines.

"Hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm," hmmmed Ranma. "You know, I don't have to attend school. I already graduated from Acme U!"

Akane mumbled something.

"I'm glad you agree," Ranma said, then tried to figure something out. "What does one call a new fiancee? Darling? Honey? Honey-bear-smootchums-pet? Dear? Widdle Akane-chan? My little chickfilet? Hmmmm."

Akane flinched at each of the terms. Finally she saw the school before her and began running forward. "Kuno! Someone! Anyone! I need a rescue!"

The assembled jocks were ready to surge forward and trounce their ravenhaired goddess. Having her turn to them for rescue confused the heck out of their tiny little brains.

Except for Kuno who rushed forward to stand before Akane. "Speak on, fair maid, for the prowess of the mighty Tatewaki Kuno will protect you!"

Akane nearly threw up as she considered what kind of payment Kuno might demand. She might actually have to go out on a *date* with Kuno?! Eccchh. Still, times were desperate. "Kuno-sempai, this pervert is trying to get me to marry him!"

"What?!" Kuno looked alarmed, then practically melted because Akane was hiding behind him and had addressed him with respect. Ah, the maiden has changed her game. "Very well, I shall protect you, fair Akane, by smiting this wretch."

Ranma puzzled that out. "So, you're saying you're giving up on Akane?"

"Nay, that I shall never do!" thundered Kuno.

"It sounded like that's what you said," disagreed Ranma.

"I shall not give up on Akane!"

"Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not"

Steam practically blowing out of his ears, Kuno glared at the boy before him. "I tell you that I SHALL give up on the fair Akane, and on my honor as a samurai I shall smite the first one to disagree with me on that!"

Ranma shrugged. "Okay, doc, you win. You'll give up on Akane."

"Yes, that I shall, that I..." Kuno froze. Hey waitaminute.

Akane grumbled as she sat down at her desk, having just gone ahead and left when it became apparent that a battle of wits was underway and she'd chosen Tatewaki Kuno as her champion. Her luck sucked. What *else* could go wrong?

(ominous rumble)

"THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!" Akane looked embarassed as she realized she'd yelled loud enough to knock away several nearby students.

-------

Nabiki smirked a lot. She made money. She smirked some more. "That's right, our Daddy and Ranma's father decided."

"Impossible! Unthinkable! Uncola!" Kuno paused and wondered where that last one had come from. Oh well.

Nabiki thought back to the meeting of Akane and Ranma and thought it might be amusing to see if Tatewaki Kuno's brain would seize up if she tried putting a little "spin" on the events. "Not only that Kuno-baby, you should hear how Akane tried to get Ranma to play 'Doctor' with him - she really led him on."

"She... seduced... him?!" Kuno was falling into a pit of despair so low it could only be felt not seen.

"Gave it her best shot. She's playing hard to get now, but I expect that when she gets home tonight," Nabiki left that open. Hmmm. Looks like it was working. Kuno was just twitching a lot.

-------

Akane stared.

"Hello, I'm your substitute teacher, Ranma Saotome!" Ranma munched on a carrot and leaned against the blackboard. "Oh and Akane, just because you're my fiancee don't think I'll go easy on you."

"Why would I ever think something like *that*," grumbled Akane. In a louder voice she continued: "How can you be a TEACHER?! You're too young!"

"Au contraire, my pet. And don't think that your little loveplays in the morning will change my mind and you'll be able to get out of homework." Ranma tsked at Akane.

Hiroshi and Daisuke began speculating about the possible meanings of homework.

"WHAT LOVEPLAYS?!" Akane shrieked in horror, just *knowing* what kind of rumors would be spread now. That flushing sound had to be her reputation.

Ranma winked at Akane in conspiratorial fashion. "No need to go into detail, is there?"

Miyu, the tarot-reading girl, cleared her throat. "Uhm, she does have a point. How *can* you be a teacher?"

"I'm glad you asked that," exclaimed Ranma. "That means it's time for:"

Akane placed her nose flush with her desktop and covered her head with both arms. "No. Please not that."

"A musical number!" Ranma flipped a cape up out of nowhere and was suddenly wearing a tuxedo, top hat, and the aforementioned cape. "Da-ta-da-ta-taaa!

"I graduated from Acme U,
In the year of '92,
Top third of my class, of course, of course,
Studying Pratfalls and Ancient Norse,
The courses hard, the teachers worse,
you even had to sing in verse!"

Mass sweatdrops as Ranma swung around a firepole that hadn't been there a moment ago.

"When the registrar asked, what will you do?
I really had to think it through,
and so I said to him: I think!
with a sly grin and little wink,
a sensei's what I want to be,
and no Akane you can't go flee."

Akane slumped and walked back to her desk. She'd thought he wasn't paying attention.

Juggling erasers, chalk, and a few other school supplies, Ranma continued.

"The thing about life as opposed to schools,
Things progress by different rules,
Plans rarely survive their execution,
And the battle often is to the best locution,
Adapt and thrive - that's Biology,
Cause Chaos Happens - that's Philosophy,
You've got to fight the day to day,
the daily grind is here to stay,
so take some time and let humor grow,
or you'll be as uncute as our Miss Tendo."

Akane groaned as the class' attention focussed on her again.

Dressed in Shakespearian clothing, holding a skull carved out of candy up, Ranma was now illumined by a spotlight as the rest of the classroom lights dimmed. "Ah, to teach, perhaps to spam. Aye, there's the rub, for after we have shuffled the deck who knows how we can draw an inside straight against Yosemite Sam."

Miyu sat back. A philosophy teacher eh? That explained a lot.

Hiroshi gasped. "Oh my kami! I understood that! For the first time in my life, I actually understood the lesson! It's so clear now!"

"Oh, shut UP," grumbled Akane.

"Yeah," said Daisuke, gaping in amazement. This guy actually *was* a teacher. He'd just used the song and dance number to tell them all that they had to adapt to changes, that humor allowed them to get through tight circumstances in life, and that fast talking was a survival skill. "I get it! That is so amazing!"

Akane was sure of it now. It was a conspiracy. They were all out to get her.

*BOOM!* The door exploded inward, filled by raging kendoist. "How dare you deny the tidy Akane her seduction. I mean, how dare you try to seduce, that is, DIE INFIDEL!"

Ranma leapt to the side to avoid the sword slash, then announced "Acme School Of Martial Arts Special Manuever!"

"You shall not escape!" Kuno swiveled, rushed forward again to where the cur was heading out the door.

And found a banana peel that had somehow been placed in his path.

"Yiiiiiii!" The Blue Thunder slid out the door, noting that the coward now had a bucket marked "Acme Axel Grease" and a paintbrush?

"Aaaaaaaa," said Tatewaki Kuno as he saw the villainous Saotome leap down the stairs after putting some object at the end of a trail of grease.

The students gathered to watch as Tatewaki Kuno slid into a large glop of superglue on a skateboard, followed by said skateboard going down two flights of stairs punctuated by many an "AaAAaAAaAA!"

"AAAAA!" Tatewaki said upon seeing the ramp, Ranma standing by with a few pieces of wood, hammer, and nails.

*Zoom!* Tatewaki Kuno was briefly airborne, still with skateboard glued to his feet, arms windmilling as he tried to fly above what looked like a six foot wide cream pie.

*SPLURT!*

[7][7.1][8.1][3]

The other students immediately started beating on Hikaru Gosunkugi (the "3") with their numbered signs.

"Nya ha ha," laughed Ranma. "What a maroon. What an ignoramous. What a pustule on the buttocks of humanity. Nya ha ha ha ha hmmm?"

Kuno towered in rage above Ranma, the effect slightly spoiled by the whipped cream and the cherry on top. "You... You..."

Akane thoughtfully handed Tatewaki Kuno a bokken.

Ranma grinned. "Bye bye." (ZOOM!)

"You cannot get away!" Kuno gave chase. "You cannot hide!"

Glancing down, Kuno saw a sign pointing. "Ah hah! 'Ranma tracks!' The vengeance of the heavens is at hand!"

The tracks changed after another twenty yards. Fortunately there was another helpful sign. "'Moose tracks'?! The foul sorcerer has enslaved even innocent animals! I shall find and smite thee!"

After a few more yards, the tracks changed again. "So, 'Railroad Tracks'? Foul Sorcerer, you shall not escape the justice of the righteous!"

Another few yards lead to a tunnel. "Again the Heavens aid me!" Kuno exulted, for the sign did indeed point out "This Way To Foul Sorcerer!"

*Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu*

Kuno looked up from where he was following the tracks and held his bokken high. "I hear you Foul One. Vengeance will not be denied!" Kuno charged forward, ready to strike.

And had a really good look at the front of the bullet train.

Ranma sat at the edge of the classroom window and pointed as a little blue dot climbed towards the heavens. "Now here you see the effect of imparted kinetic energy and how mass affects it. The bullet train is much more massive, so the amount of slowing is miniscule compared to the velocity imparted to the smaller object. You see?"

Many nods. Akane just winced, for once in her life actually sympathetic towards Tatewaki Kuno. Then getting a little ill as she realized this.

--------

Kasumi swept the floor, humming a little tune, losing herself in the Now when something impinged itself on her awareness.

There was a mound of dirt moving through the backyard. When it reached about a quarter of the way from the fence, it abruptly discharged a number of items. Kasumi recognized a beach chair, umbrella, and a cooler among the items. After that something (or should that be someone?) leapt out as well.

"MIAMI BEACH AT LAST! WEEHAAA! YIPPEEE! HOORay..." A tall anthropomorphic rabbit looked around. "This doesn't look like Miami Beach."

"Oh my," said Kasumi, wondering if perhaps Nabiki hadn't been slipping a prescription medicine into her food again.

Munching idly on a carrot, the rabbit started unfolding a map. From hankerchief size it quickly began approaching the size of the entire yard. "Let's see now. Pardon me, miss, can you tell me how to get to Miami Beach in the state of Florida?"

Deciding to take talking English-speaking rabbits in stride now, Kasumi further decided this was a guest and she should respond in the same language. "No, Mr. Rabbit, this is the Tendo Dojo in Nerima Japan."

"JAPAN?!" The rabbit looked startled and immediately went into a warding pose. Then he frowned and started looking over his map again. "I just *knew* I should'a taken that left turn at Albuquerque!"

"Would you like some tea, Mister Rabbit?" Partly this was because it was the polite thing to offer a guest. Partly because Kasumi decided she could use a cup herself right now.

Suprisingly enough, the rabbit switched to heavily accented Kansai-dialect Japanese. "Nah thanks. Oh, and the name is Bunny. Bugs Bunny."

Leaving the anthropomorph to puzzle over the map some more, Kasumi wondered exactly *why* she had ever thought of younger men as boring. Strange yes, but boring appeared to be completely inaccurate. Perhaps she needed more data. And a really good strong cup of tea.

-------

Kuno heard an odd hissing sound from his drawn bokken and wondered when Sasuke had put a sputtering fuse on it. The little ninja was not to take such liberties with

*BA-KOOOM!*

Ranma looked up as the bell rang. "Okay, that's it, class. Don't forget yer homework and with any luck one of my old teacher's at Acme U will be a guest speaker tomorrow."

"Hai, sensei," came the semi-ritualistic response before the group broke up into individual pairings and smaller groups.

Tatewaki Kuno, blackened and smouldering, fell over. Several of the students heeded the strange compulsion to step on him as they wandered out.

Akane actually smiled as she left. Free! Free at last! She had some time before Ranma-baka returned home, and she could try to figure a way to get a Ranma-less future! Fortunately, she had an idea of how to get there! "Bwahahahahahaha!"

"Hmmm," hmmed Ranma at his desk. "That sounds like Evil Laugh #12: 'I've Got A Plan' - favored by supervillains, Elmer Fudd, Daffy, and Wile E Coyote. Akane's coming along pretty well."

Genma snuck up. He had a plan to see if Ranma retained *any* of his old training and perhaps could be reclaimed as the Heir of Anything Goes. Reaching into his sack, he pulled out what he had found. Just a little further.

Ranma ignored Genma. Bugs had always pointed out that you needed to take some things seriously, thereby providing a referent and dramatic impact to the loonier aspects of your life. "Life is not served by humor alone, somebody's got to be the straight man, which is better than being the fall guy." Ah, the Zen of B.Bunny.

"This is for your own good!" Genma pulled the cat out of the bag and started rubbing it into his child's face.

Ranma considered briefly. "Oh no, it's a bad joke. You never completed that training, remember?"

Genma frowned. Ranma wasn't reacting?

"Meow," tiredly sighed Ranma, making a finger-extended gesture in midair.

Genma fell apart in neat little slices. They rejoined immediately thereafter, proving it was an emulated technique and not the true catfist, but it was still fairly impressive.

"Really, oyaji. If *that* worked..." Ranma looked off into the distance and began to smile. "Hmmmm."

Genma didn't really like that smile. The cat had even more sense and took off running.

--------

Nabiki swallowed uncertainly. "I'm not a martial artist, you know."

"True," said Ranma, "you're just helping me demonstrate how ludicrous this catfist thing is to my father."

Nabiki squirmed as much as the ropes would let her. "And where did you learn shibari (Japanese fetish rope tying) anyway?"

"It's a Japanese art, and it deals with martial arts since it started with samurai tying up prisoners. Of course I'd learn the basics.(1)" Ranma shrugged.

"Well, let's get it over with. This *is* extra credit right?" Nabiki tried not to let on how this made her feel, having a fair share of closet kinkiness.

"Yeah. Too bad I couldn't find Akane," said Ranma.

Somewhere, hidden, Akane sneezed and then prayed it had not been heard.

Ranma noted that Akane was hiding in that trashcan over there and decided that a second example might help drive it home. "Now, oyaji, if throwing someone into a pit of starving cats could make them learn some technique called the catfist..."

"HEY! WAITAMINUTE!" Nabiki really started squirming now. "You said there was no danger involved!"

Ranma reached off camera and pulled a scene change into the screen. "Then throwing Nabiki into Scrooge McDuck's money vault (on loan from Disney) would produce..."

Nabiki slammed into something hard, opened her eyes, opened them some more. Opened them a LOT to the point where they came completely out of her head, rolled on the ground and expanded to five times their usual volume. Her tongue also extended briefly. Then eyes and tongue were in their usual spots and some empty ropes drifted to the ground.

*SPLASH!* Gold coins fountained up. Nabiki dove back down with them, now wearing a black almost-not-there bikini. She swam, she acted like a porpoise, she dove, she did the backstroke, she giggled.

"...the unbeatable martial arts technique: the Yenken! As you can see," Ranma assured his chained-to-the-ground father, "she is just enjoying herself."

Nabiki wrapped herself almost bonelessly around a gold statue. "MinemineminemineminemineMINE! It's all mine! I'm rich! I'm fabulously wealthy! I'm a millionaire! I'm a zillionaire! I'm fantastically wealthy! Mine! Because what's mine is mine! And what's yours is mine! MINE! All mine!"

Ranma wondered briefly if Nabiki had met Daffy at some point.

Genma's eyes teared up as he watched one of the Tendo girls boldly go where he wouldn't be allowed. How unfair!

"Now," said Ranma, wearing a welding mask and welding chains around a garbage can, "take my fiancee - please! But seriously, oyaji. She's supposed to be a martial artist, right? Wants to learn special manuevers and that sort of thing, right?"

Akane wondered who had reinforced the garbage can and could she please get out now?

"Well," said Ranma, motioning a crane hook to come in and lift the garbage can out of the lot. "If setting up someone with a phobia and then confronting them with it will cause a secret martial arts technique, let's try *this* shall we?"

*CLANG!* *CLANG!* Someone inside the trashcan pounded on it enough to bend the lid. Two eyes started peering out from inside.

The trashcan was fed into a conveyor belt just below a sign proclaiming "Acme Automated Recycling Center". Jazzy music began to play in the background.

Someone watching could have sworn a giant sweatdrop appeared alongside the trashcan, despite the absolute lack of sweat glands normally found on galvanized aluminum. *WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!*

Akane burst out of the trashcan seconds before it was flattened to paper thinness by several large mallets. She began running, but as she was on a treadmill didn't get anywhere. *WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!*

The youngest Tendo daughter began to gasp for air, trying to run up the ramps with the constant *WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!* going on just behind her.

With one final lunge, Akane fell forward. Of course, the belt was still running so she rolled over in time to see the huge hammers heading downwards, ready to flatten her so that she could recycled into furniture or other useful things. "..."

Ranma pulled the plug. "Hey, I'm not *that* bad. Now, Oyaji, if you were correct she would now have a phobia regarding mallets and when confronted with them sufficiently would escape into thinking she *was* a mallet."

Genma picked up the limp Akane. "Well, she's *only* a girl."

Akane's eyes shot open, she body-slammed the portly martial artist, climbed down, snatched the plug away from Ranma and inserted it into the socket. The large machinery began working again.

Ranma backed away from the glaring girl. "Uhm..."

*WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!* A little can came out of one of the side hoppers.

Nabiki (who had been physically pried away from the money, but still had managed to hide some within her skimpy bikini somehow) picked it up, read it, then held it up as if doing a commercial. "Need a convenient idiot or scapegoat but can't find one? Try 'Moron-in-a-can' - it's convenient, has an excellent shelf life, and a thousand and one uses!"

Kasumi (likewise not wanting to get involved until the end of this skit) stepped up. "Really? A 'thousand and one' uses? Like what?"

"Anchors, practice dummies," began Nabiki, "alibi, fall guy, alternative target, but wait - there's more!"

Akane was chasing Ranma around the machine, then followed Ranma up the ladder and into a dark tunnel. Which immediately led to a shriek as she realized that Ranma wasn't in the tunnel, and she was back where she had been a few minutes ago.

*WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!*

Nabiki picked up the next can. "Hmmm. Try canned 'Uncute Tomboy', she can... I mean, that is, she can..."

Kasumi glanced at Nabiki who seemed to be deep in thought. "Nabiki, you can't sell that to that Kuno boy. It wouldn't be proper."

"No that wasn't it," grumbled Nabiki. "I was just trying to think of what Akane did better than anyone else I knew."

Kasumi shrugged. "I'll get the can opener."

Nabiki continued to ponder as it began to get dark. "Hmmmm."

Predawn began lighting the sky, Nabiki was now in the "Thinker" pose, contemplating the canned Akane. "Hmmm."

"Sibling rivalry," explained Kasumi to nobody in particular as she walked past Nabiki and opened the can. She poured Akane out who grumbled a lot about her clothing being recycled seperately.

"Don't worry, Akane, Ranma can get you something," Kasumi assured her younger sister, somehow completely missing the way Akane started wildly shaking her head 'no'.

"Of course! No trouble for my fiancee!" Ranma appeared out of nowhere, smiling in a friendly fashion.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Ranma and the two other Tendo daughters watched the dust cloud dissipate marking Akane's departure.

Ranma shrugged. "Was it something I said?"

-----------

hi. hope you got a laugh. It's just an omake. Taken seriously meant missing the point.

There was sufficient response to merit sending this out by itself, though i'd have to do some serious research (providing i can *find* old Bugs Bunny cartoons locally - they're hardly PC) before writing a second chapter.

-gregg

Bunny Tale 2: an omake

Black and white scene of Furinkan High School, as seen through the gates. Ranma steps out of the trees. "You are entering a place of sight out of mind. A place where the normal rules seem out of kilter."

Nabiki (wearing a bunny suit and grinning mischieviously) steps out as well. She's in color, in contrast to the rest of the scene. "Furinkan Senior High School. A mere day ago this was just a ridiculously violent education facility of less than high academic standards."

Ranma nodded and looked quite solemn. "But now, Furinkan has taken a few steps into... the Looney Zone."

"Doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo..."

Akane stomps up. "And WHAT are you two doing?"

"Cut!" Ranma throws up his hands and stalks off. "How can I work with thees local talent! She completly ignores her lines and she has no much talent anyway."

"I've got PLENTY OF TALENT!" Akane yelled at the departing Ranma. "I've got more talent than you can guess!"

Nabiki nudges her sister. "Uhm, he was referring to breast size."

"Oh... I thought he was talking about my acting talent! Oh, well that's..." (Ding!) Akane slapped away the little light bulb that had appeared over her head. "He was what?!"

Nabiki walked off to where Kasumi and a small orchestra were waiting. "Hit it!"

Jazzy chase scene music begins to play as Akane runs by with a large mallet, chasing Ranma. Ranma is apparently unconcerned as he is eating a banana while running.

Akane runs by again, still chasing Ranma, and apparently unaware that she is now wearing a Las Vegas showgirl outfit that includes tail feathers. Her mallet now has a sign reading 50t.

Nabiki (now wearing a tuxedo that is cut to her figure and hugs it in all the right places) is waving a baton around as the conductor for the orchestra. Kasumi is playing an electric guitar and apparently getting quite into her role.

Ranma runs past, dropping the banana peel. Akane (whose mallet now reads 100t) is now wearing a lei, grass skirt, and strategically placed flowers. Naturally, her foot finds the banana peel and she goes speeding offscreen with Ranma waving goodbye and throwing flower petals in her direction.

Nabiki speeds up the tempo considerably as the sound of squealing tires, honking horns, screeching cats, and breaking glass can be heard from somewhere nearby. She brings the concert to a close and bows a few times to polite applause.

---------

Akane sulked. She did a lot of this lately and was becoming quite good. She also entertained herself with an elaborate plan to: a) humiliate Ranma, and b) get out of this engagement.

Ranma stood at the head of the class. "Okay, class. We have a special visitor today! From Acme Looniversity in beautiful downtown Burbank, we have the one, the only, Pepe Le Pew!"

Silence.

"Pepe?" Ranma went to the door. "Oh hello. Where's Pepe?"

"Growk ook eek umm akk! Ukk eep growl greef grunt!"

"Oh dear, that does sound like a problem," said Ranma, leading a four and a half foot tall Tazmanian Devil (wearing a nice tweed business suit) into the room.

--------

Shampoo would have faced death with courage and dignity. This situation had a complete lack of the latter and Shampoo had never been good at that particular virtue anyway. As for the former, well, that wasn't in evidence either.

"Come here my little cabbage! I am looking for you!"

In trying to escape Mousse she'd inadvertantly gone to a place called Jusenkyo and found this place called "Spring Of Drowned Black Cat Who Was Cursed To Get A White Stripe On Her Back Through Wildly Improbable Events" - or so she gathered from the effects.

Grab! Hug! Snuggle!

"My little kitten, come wiff me to da casbah and we will make mad passionate..."

Zip! Zoom! Zing! Little black streak of wildly running cat.

"...love?" The French anthropomorphic skunk shrugged. "Zis is fate I suppose."

-------

"Class, this is Taz. A teacher from good old Acme!"

"Ruk ook reek urk! Excuse me." (Hello class. Burp! Excuse me.)

Lots of staring.

"Is he a muppet?" Hiroshi finally asked. (Ru rak muppet erm?)

"Ruuu reek." (No, actually I'm a Tazmanian Devil as Ranma just told you. I would have been here sooner but some crazy duck held up traffic by trying to do a U-turn at San Bernadino.)

Akane blinked. "What'd he say?" (Eep oop akkk ik rroo rree ruf.)

"Read the subtitles, Akane," advised Miyo. (Ruppa, flatchested one.)

"WHAT?!" Akane exclaimed, then rubbed her eyes. There really were subtitles?! (Oop eek oop aa aa bing bang wally wally bing bang.)

"Okay class," said Ranma, putting aside the subtitles for now. "Today our guest speaker will deal with a subject near and dear to all of us."

Taz whipped a pair of glasses out of his suit and managed to carry off a dignified professorial atmosphere briefly. "Uh huh."

CRASH!

"FOUL SORCERER!" Tatewaki Kuno posed in the broken door. "I have just learned of you viewing the glory that is the pure and tidy Akane Tendo!"

"You ought to live in the same house with her before describing her as 'pure and tidy', doc." Ranma tsked and pulled a carrot out of his shirt which he immediately began munching on. "You should see what she keeps in the box under her bed."

"WHAT?! How did you? When did you?!" Akane had leapt out of her seat, looking quite horrified. How had he learned of her recent plans to humiliate him with some carefully planted evidence? Of course, this increased everyone's attention on her. "Uhm, I don't know what you mean?"

Kuno had stopped posing and just gaped. What had the foul sorcerer meant? "What do you mean, foul sorcerer?"

"Look Akane, I don't know how you sleep in leather underwear," pointed out Ranma, "much less what you do with all those weird gadgets and ecchi magazines."

Akane began shrinking for no apparent reason.

"And I know darn well the school wouldn't let you have piercings done there," continued Ranma.

Shrink. shrink.

"And I know that you couldn't even walk on spike heels like that," continued Ranma.

shrink. shrink some more.

"And what that long purple thing with the extra battery packs was. Some kinda torture device?"

shrink. shrink even more.

"Oop rrk," opined Taz.

Two inch tall Akane sputtered little denials at her desk as everyone stared.

Tatewaki Kuno tried to picture the sorts of things referenced, experienced a massive nosebleed, and collapsed in the hallway.

--------

They were courageous Amazons, brave fighters all.

"Wait baybee, wait for you lil' Pepe!"

They were currently heading for the hills. Not because they were frightened of two skunks running all over there village.

Cologne had taken one look at the skunk and had exclaimed. "Le Yikes! Eet ees un polecat de pew!"

At which point everyone who had ever heard of Cologne's stories from when she was a member of the Chinese Underground during WWII, and during Mao's little crusade, had heard of those weird American cartoons. One of the characters of which was a romantically inclined French skunk named Pepe.

Why did they run? Because the odds were that the longer he spent in the village, the more likely it would be that he would inadvertantly defeat an Amazon during that time.

It was one of the few cases where the resident nonconformist Tigar agreed wholeheartedly with the Elders - being defeated by Pepe Le Pew would be a *bad* thing.

Shampoo, currently a black cat with a white stripe down her back, was doing her level best just to get away. Unfortunately she never had seen the cartoon, and therefore had no idea how to get away from Pepe.

Instead there was a well from which a pair of eyes blinked and a sign slowly inched into view. [Can we change scenes now? Please?!]

--------

"Oook eek urk wuk greep!" Taz indicated the attempting-to-hide-at-her-desk girl.

Akane finally overcame her embarrassment as something finally occurred to her. "HEY! What were you doing in my room! You pervert!"

"Actually, it was a terrible moment," indicated Ranma, a spotlight shining down on him from above. "Oh the horror, the terror!"

"Oh dear," said Miyo. "In Akane's room?!"

"DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!" Akane exclaimed.

"Yes, it was in Akane's room, oh... that I, merely wishing to check on my fiancee's health, should be exposed to such things, well, I..." Ranma shuddered and openly wept. "But don't blame Akane! It isn't her fault! We'll get help for her, really we will!"

"LIES! ALL LIES!" Akane tried to make eye contact with several of her friends. Some did. Some didn't.

"It's all right, Akane, WE believe you," said Sayuri after an uncomfortable silence.

"See that!" Akane swung about and pointed at Ranma, not immediately noticing several small objects flying out and scattering about the room. "People know me! People..."

"Receipts signed by Akane Tendo from... The Hentai Boutique?!" Daisuke looked with new respect towards Akane. "Wow."

"How'd those get...?!" Akane checked her sleeve. Several odd objects dropped out. "AAAHHHHHH!"

Yuka stared. "Wow Akane. Last time we had a sleepover you said you'd never done any of that."

"AAAAAA!" (WHAM!) A new Akane-shaped exit appeared on one of the walls.

"I'm, I'm sorry," Ranma said, blowing his nose noisily as punctuation. "We'll help her through this somehow. I'll be a good fiancee and somehow I and her family will help overcome this little problem."

-------

Ranma finally had composed himself enough to continue today's lesson. Just to soothe his ruffled nerves, he was singing it. Currently with guest star Jon Cleese.

"Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.

"Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

"The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth."

Everyone being good students, they were writing all this down. Well, that or staring.

"Uhm, teacher, I thought you were going to teach us about philosophy," brought up Yuka.

"Right you are," said Mister Cleese. "I've got just the thing. Hit it maestro."

Now wearing a tuxedo and sitting a piano, Ranma nodded. Nabiki (glad she was getting a better part in this skit and wearing a black evening gown) cleared her throat and checked the music stand in front of her. Hmmm.

NABIKI:
"I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas.
I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge.
I've got lots of lovely lire.
Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer,
And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge."

NABIKI and TEACHERS:
"There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash.
Some people say it's folly,
But I'd rather have the lolly.
With money you can make quite the splash."

NABIKI:
"There is nothing quite as wonderful as money."

TEACHERS:
"...Money, money, money, money."

NABIKI:
"There is nothing like a newly minted pound."

TEACHERS (joined by more teachers holding up signs that read [underpaid]:
"...Money, money, money, money."

NABIKI and TEACHERS:
"Everyone must hanker
For the butchness of a banker.
It's accountancy that makes the world go 'round."

TEACHERS:
"'Round, 'round, 'round."

NABIKI:
"You can keep your Marxist ways,
For it's only just a phase,
For it's money, money, money makes the world go 'round."

TEACHERS:
"...Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey!"

Yuka stared. "You don't really think that, do you?"

"Honestly? No. Yet it is a prevelant and widespread philosophy here in Japan, is it not?" Ranma shrugged, sending Nabiki back to her class. Nabiki sulked a little as she went, as she could expound quite enthusiastically on the subject and miss dissecting a frog at the same time.

"Well, I was kind of hoping for the Meaning Of Life," suggested Yuka.

"Try a rhubarb tart," suggested Cleese.

"Hmmm," said Ranma, reaching off stage and pulling Kasumi into the picture. He switched sheet music and sat himself back down at the piano.

Cleese noticed that Kasumi was wearing a skimpy nurses outfit and responded appropriately. "Hellooooo nurse!"

Kasumi blinked a few times, shrugged as if to say "well, why the heck not" and began singing.

"Why are we here? What's life all about?
Is God really real, or is there some doubt?
Well, tonight, we're going to sort it all out,
For, tonight, it's 'The Meaning of Life'.

"What's the point of all this hoax?
Is it the chicken and the egg time? Are we just yolks?
Or, perhaps, we're just one of God's little jokes.
Well, ça c'est 'The Meaning of Life'.

"Is life just a game where we make up the rules
While we're searching for something to say,
Or are we just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DN-- nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.

"What is life? What is our fate?
Is there a Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?
Is mankind evolving, or is it too late?
Well, tonight, here's 'The Meaning of Life'.

"For millions, this 'life' is a sad vale of tears,
Sitting 'round with really nothing to say
While the scientists say we're just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DN-- nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.

"So, just why-- why are we here,
And just what-- what-- what-- what do we fear?
Well, ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,
For this is 'The Meaning of Life'. C'est le sens de la vie.
This is 'The Meaning of Life'."

"So you're saying," hesitatingly began Hiroshi, "that there is no single answer to all of life's questions, and we just have to choose the one that works for us individually?"

"That's right, doc," said Ranma munching on a carrot.

"Wow," whispered Yuka to Sayuri. "He taught Hiroshi something."

"Damn he's good," agreed Sayuri.

Kasumi curtsied and left to go bake a cake.

---------

Akane sulked. She was getting very good at it.

This time, she knew her plan would work. She'd carefully considered every possibility, she'd worked out every detail.

This would work, and Ranma would be out of her life. Forever.

"GEORGE!"

Akane looked around wildly. Empty alley in all directions. She didn't recall this furry wall being over here though. Hmmm. (click) Akane slowly tilted her head up. Up. Up. Way Up. Oh dear.

A hand roughly 90% of Akane's total height encircled her and started hauling the uncute tomboy up.

"Erk," said Akane, just knowing that this was Ranma's fault somehow.

"George! I've been looking everywhere for you, George! You shouldn't have wandered off like that, you know how easy you gets losted."

"Erk," said Akane, trying to point out her name was *not* nor had it ever been "George".

"Oh, it's okay, George. I will call you George. And I will pet you and pat you, and squeeze you and love you, and rub your tummy, and... you're not George?!"

"...good work, Einstein..." gasped Akane.

The big ape-being frowned. "You have deceiva... eveced... lied to me. I will have to punish you."

Akane whimpered but managed to hold a sign up from where she was imprisoned by the one hand. [Ranma Saotome! Because of you I have seen HELL!]

-------

The challenger went into a martial arts stance and said something in an unfamiliar language. [At last I have found you! Your martial arts style is pig dung! Now you shall suffer!]

Ranma went into a similar stance and responded in the same language. [You cannot be forgiven. For stealing my dojo's sign, raping my sheep, and saying bad things about my dog - you shall be punished.]

More unintelligible comments. [You fool! Behold the dread power of my martial arts technique: All your base belong to us!]

Ranma watched the rapid martial arts movements of his opponent. [Hah! You forget, unwise flatulance, that your technique is poor copy of my least technique. Now I shall eat you with soy sauce!]

"Why are they just posing and making threatening speeches?" Yuka asked while reaching for Hiroshi's bucket of popcorn.

"Parody of several martial arts movies," explained Hiroshi.

"Who's gonna beat you like a drum,
and send you packing, you stinky bum!
R-A-N-M-A!
And that's all we've gotta say!
RANMA! RANMA!"

"I've never seen a martial arts battle with scantily clad cheerleaders cheering for one of the opponents," confessed Daisuke. "Though I hope this trend continues." (SMACK!) "Hey!"

Sayuri scowled at her erstwhile boyfriend. Hmmmph.

"Bric-a-braca,
Firecracka,
Sis boom bah!
Ranma, Ranma, Rah Rah Rah!"

Ryouga frowned at his opponent. Extreme close up of scowl with fang gleaming. [You play dirty, equine offspring of mixed parentage, yet I shall not fall to your psychological tactics!]

Extreme closeup of Ranma's narrowed eyes. [Unclean mammal of porcine descent! Just because Wile E Coyote and Elmer Fudd have trained you in Martial Arts Cartoon Villainry does not make you more capable.]

Ultra extreme closeup of gleaming white fang. [You cannot hope to win. I have lefteousness on my side!]

Ultra extreme closeup of an eye. It might be Ranma's. [Don't you mean righteousness, Doc?]

Ultra extreme closeup, but you can't be sure *what* it is of. [You know how I am with directions!]

Yuka turned to Sayuri. "Aren't they supposed to be fighting or something?"

Ranma checked his watch. "Oh hell, we've used all the available screentime for our fight."

Ryouga stamped his foot and whined like a little girl. "Awwwwwwww. Darn it. It was just getting to the good part."

"Don't worry, Doc." Ranma thought briefly, reached off camera, then tugged a fairly attractive girl onto the scene. "You meet Akari Unryuu in the next scene, defeat her sumo pig, then settle down to have a nice long romantic scene with her."

Ryouga looked thoughtful. "Ummmm. Okay, that works."

-------

"Meanwhile, back at the ranch."

"What the?!" The bunny rabbit stuck his head out of the hole and started scratching his head with one white-gloved hand. "This place again?! Man, I gotta stop getting these maps from Daffy."

"Oh, Mister Bunny, you're back," said Kasumi, kneeling in the traditional receiving pose. "I had a feeling you'd be back."

"Yeah, well, sorry about this, Miss, I...." (sniff sniff) "Say, what's that enticing aroma?" (sniff sniff sniff)

Kasumi wondered briefly how the humanoid rabbit was supporting his entire body weight through his nose as he began floating along the scent trail. "I was trying out an American recipe. It's called carrot cake. Could you stay for a bite?"

"Well, I wouldn't want to be rude," allowed Bugs. "Lead on, McDuff."

Kasumi blinked. Oh well, she'd correct him about the name later. As it was, she didn't get guests that often.

Besides, he seemed older than her somehow.

Taking a good sniff of the cooling cake, Bugs couldn't help it. "Lady, I think this could be the start of a beauuuuuutiful friendship!"

------

Akane stalked up the halls of Furinkan, though her walking seemed to be *off* somehow.

Those who knew how to interpret such things wondered who would have spanked Akane.

The door to a certain room slammed open.

Yuka was singing something from Schoolhouse Rock, surprised at how effective music was as a memorization tool.

"THAT. WAS. IT." Akane growled. "We're THROUGH! We are NOT engaged!"

"Oh," sniffled Ranma. "Whatever shall I do? Uhm, Nabiki."

Nabiki zipped into the scene, wearing her bunny suit again. "You rang?"

"I guess we're engaged now. So which approach did you favor?"

"Well, the Wile E. Coyote approach was nice," said Nabiki speculatively, "but I'm not sure about the protaganist role. We could always go for the sometimes-ally relationship with frequent guest stars and parodying current events."

"That *might* work," agreed Ranma, "or I could go with Kasumi. She'd make a good 'damsel in distress' running joke where I rush around trying to rescue her and get slapsticked a lot. She's sharper than she generally acts so maybe she could play 'Hello Nurse' or something similar."

Akane twitched. "WHAT are you talking about?!"

Ranma and Nabiki both rolled their eyes.

"AND STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES AT ME!!!"

Ranma shrugged. "Oh well, guess we gotta do it."

"Ya gotta do what ya gotta do," agreed Nabiki.

Ranma did the special manuever scene change again by reaching off camera and pulling a different scene atop the current one.

"Oh my!" Kasumi noticed she was wearing a lovely white evening gown and was standing on a game show set.

"Rrrrr," said Akane, strapped into a seat at the center of the stage.

Yuka and Sayuri shrugged and sipped on their drinks in the studio audience with the rest of the class.

"Hello," said Ranma, now wearing a business suit. "I'm Ranma Saotome, and welcome to 'What's Up, Doc?' The game show where you can really go up up up. This is your hostess today, the lovely and talented Kasumi Tendo. Our contestant today is Akane Tendo."

The lights were slowly brought up to the sides of the raised platform where Akane sat. "Our guests today are:

"Nabiki Tendo" Nabiki smiled and waved, still wearing the bunnysuit.

"Witch Hazel."

"Frankly, at my age, I'm just glad for the work. Heeheeheeheehee!"

"Cobra Commander."

"Well, since my series went bust, I can pretty much sympathize there with you, Hazel."

"Yoiko, known to some as the tarotcard girl."

"After being a one episode wonder, I'm just glad to get speaking lines again."

"Ukyo Kuonji."

"This is one of the most bizarre dream sequences I've ever been in," said the okonomiyaki chef.

"And last but not least, Ryouga Hibiki and Akari Unryuu."

"Where's the stage? Am I on?"

"Ryouga-kun, let me help," Akari helpfully turned the chair around so that Ryouga was facing the correct way.

"First question!" Ranma exclaimed.

"I OBJECT!" Akane roared.

Nabiki nodded, looking impressed. "That's right. The first question was 'How does a lawyer signal a disagreement with the current proceedings.' Very good, Akane!"

Akane's chair moved a few feet up. "How do I go down?"

"Akane, I thought you were too prudish for that sort of thing," said Kasumi. "Well, it's nice that you have an interest in sex though. I was beginning to worry."

Akane blinked a couple of times. (click) "NononononononoNO!" (blush) (stammer) (fidgit)

Ranma waggled his eyebrows. "My my, Akane, no wonder you're so popular with the boys. Next question, Witch Hazel."

Akane pulled a paper bag out of somewhere and put it over her head.

"Oh yes, dearie. Is it time to turn her into a pikachu?"

"Already been done," said Ranma. "Besides I thought you were planning on turning her into a frog. Isn't that kind of traditional?"

Witch Hazel tsked. "Oh heavens, that sort of thing has been overdone. Nowadays cute and fuzzy fighting plush toys are all the rage. You have to go with the times after all. Though maybe capturing her in a trading card would be more current-faddish."

"Well, maybe in the next fic," allowed Ranma. "Your question, however, is this: why do slapstick specifically with Akane as opposed to Nabiki or Kasumi?"

Akane lifted the bag off her head, curious about this herself.

"Oh, child, that's too easy." Witch Hazel made an idle dismissing gesture that somehow changed Nabiki's outfit into a Bubblegum Crisis Knight Sabers hardsuit. "What is Akane's first reaction to a stimulus? Why it's physical! Her appeal is physical, her reactions are physical, she is first and foremost a physical character. Therefore when used in a humorous situation, she's best used in a slapstick or physical humor mode."

"WHAT?!" Akane stared. "LET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR! I'LL SHOW YOU PHYSICAL!"

"You see," said Witch Hazel, blinking innocently. "Whereas neither Kasumi nor Nabiki lend themselves well to slapstick."

(shhhuk) Nabiki finally got the helmet off. "Hey, I've got an idea. Why not me in a Pepe Le Pew kind of role, chasing you about and trying to do all sorts of hentai things to you? Sort of a more friendly version of Coyote vs Roadrunner."

"Oooooooo," said Ranma and a few others, picturing it.

"The end of the episode is where I finally, after all the odds are beaten, the camera goes off screen and you hear wild smooching going on and then Porky does his line." Nabiki thought this had some significant possibilities.

"WHAT?! Ranma, you pervert!"

Everyone stared at Akane.

"Uhm, no, Akane, that would be part of the humor. Nabiki would play the part of a pervert." Kasumi looked thoughtful. "Do you think you could manage it, Nabiki? Oh my!"

Nabiki had changed clothes to "French cabaret wear" and now had an expression on her face that mixed lust and mischief into a very interesting mood.

"I'm scared," said Ranma in a little boy's voice.

The studio audience and the panel all started nodding. Yup. They believed Nabiki could pull it off.

"Oh and since the question was answered correctly," Ranma said, raising Akane's chair an additional three feet.

"I think I need to go down now," mumbled Akane.

Ranma looked embarassed and fanned himself. "AFTER the show Akane."

"Oh my!" Kasumi felt she needed to say something. "Akane! On national TV! It's nice that you're overcoming being a frigid manhater, and even if you *were* a misandric lesbian like Father thinks we'd support you, but don't you think that's a bit much to say on TV?"

"Huh?!" Akane looked around and then saw them. Three large videocameras pointing in her direction. Akane whimpered.

"Akane's looking a bit pale, don't you think?" Ranma asked the audience. "I thought so too. MAKEUP!"

Kodachi Kuno steps up with a blue paint roller and runs it briefly over Akane's face.

Akane spit. "What with this?!"

Kodachi shrugged. Then reached up to her ponytail. (Ziiiiiiipppppppp!)

Akane blinked as the Kodachi disguise came off. "Who the hell are you?!"

"I am Spatgirl!" The girl in the skintight purple bodysuit declared, hoping that no one would notice that Ukyo Kuonji was missing from the panelist line-up. "Defender of justice and avenger of dowry-stealing!"

"Yeah, right, and I'm a bunny rabbit," declared Akane.

Ranma held up a sign. [Rabbit Season]

*BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!*

Akane blinked then spat buckshot out of her mouth. "THIS IS JAPAN! WE HAVE GUN CONTROL!"

"I have control of my gun," declared Sayuri. "I use both hands."

"THAT ISN'T THE POINT!" Akane argued. "What would you do if I had said I was a Dirty Skunk?!"

Ranma shrugged and demonstrated with another sign. [Dirty Skunk Season]

*BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!*

Coughi ng and sending little puffs of smoke out, Akane glared at Ranma. "You... You're despicable!"

Porky Pig steps onto the set and reads from a thick sheaf of papers. "Ahem. TH-th-th-th-that's all folks!"

=============

Well, this was supposed to be just a *little* omake.

Still, I think it turned out fairly interesting for all that.


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