Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Fistful Of Omake ❯ Eye Of The Tigar ( Chapter 33 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

DIRECTOR: "Okay. Everybody ready? We have a Metroanime fic going in 3- 2-"

STAGEHAND: "Shampoo's gone."

DIRECTOR: "Excuse me?"

STAGEHAND: "She's appearing with her stunt double in an episode of 'Slayers' and couldn't make it."

DIRECTOR: "Okay. Fine. Get Miss Tsukino, we'll use 'Sash' for the obligatory Chinese Amazon."

STAGEHAND#2: "She's over at a Sailor Moon fanfic written by Shades."

DIRECTOR: "Hmmmm. Anyone else?"

STAGEHAND#1: "Well, the usual Akane Tendo is appearing in a Pokemon fanfic as a member of Team Rocket."

DIRECTOR: (blinks) "She's playing Jessie?"

STAGEHAND #1: (consults clipboard) "Nope. James."

DIRECTOR: (shrugs) "Figures. Least we've got her stunt double. That still leaves us with who to replace Shampoo with."

CUTE LITTLE GIRL: (bouncing) "Uhm, excuse me, Mister Director Sir?!"

DIRECTOR: "How about Frost?"

STAGEHAND #1: (consults clipboard again) "Since that's DB Sommers invention, we can't use her without permission."

(Sound of swearing from offstage.)

CUTE LITTLE GIRL: (still bouncing and looking somewhat feline) "Yoo hoo!"

DIRECTOR: "Well, it's got to bnde someone who's been used by at least one other author. Any other candidates?"

CUTE LITTLE GIRL: (points to a chapter of Mirrors Multiplied) "Well lookee here!"

DIRECTOR: "Waitaminute. Sugar and Spice were used by Ed Becerra once. What about them?"

"rrrrrrrRYAAAUUUU TIGARCLAW!" (SLASH!)

DIRECTOR: "Hey, what about Tigar?" (collapses, clothes shredded)

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RANMA 1/2: Eye Of The Tigar, an omake

"ooo. Tigar like that title. Cue music."

---------

Beginning normal Ranma 1st season opening animation:

"Ya pai pai ya pai pai "(zhuuuuuuuup!) (this being the sound of a record needle being yanked off a record.)

CUTE LITTLE GIRL from earlier sequence sticks her head slowly out of the corner of the screen. GIRL then leaps out to center stage with an old fashioned guitar.

"She loves you nyau nyau nyau! She loves you nyau nyau nyau! She loves you nyau nyau nyau nyau nyau! With a love like that, you know you should be glaaaaaad! Mewwwwwwwww!"

Four guys who look drawn by Peter Max step out from one side. "Uhm, no you can't use that song here, you know. It's a Beatles song, not a catgirl song."

Tigar thinks briefly before grinning and trying again. As she plays, she bounces around like a hyperactive ultra-cute catgirl. At one point she's doing a handstand and playing the guitar with her feet.

"Way out in China near Jusenkyo,
Just beyond them there evergreens,
stands a little village called Nichieju,
where a girl grew up named Tigar ooo!
Who never heeded Elders very well,
but she could play guitar like ringing a bell!

"Go go go,
Go Tigar go go go,
Go Tigar go go go!

"Tigar Be Good!

"She used to hide guitar in a gunny sack,
And sit beneath the trees out by dirt track,
Then while she be sitting out in that shade,
her airen she met - what a mess that made.
Elders she upset as usual way,
But Tigar not care she just want to play!

"She had to go,
Go Tigar go go go,
Go Tigar go go go!

"Tigar Be Good!"

Tigar catches Ranma trying to sneak away and pounces on him.

-------

Episode 3: Here's Tendos?!

-------

"He should be here any moment," exclaimed the Tendo patriarch.

"Where's that music coming from?" Nabiki asked as guitar music seemed to approach the house at ludicrous speed.

(Hop) (Skip) (Tumble) (Bounce)

A form landed in the backyard. "Excuse please. This Tendo dojo is-nyau? "

The Tendo household assembled at the doorway and stared.

"She's a," began Kasumi.

"catgirl in bike shorts and a loose top," continued Nabiki, raising her camera.

"with a guitar," added Akane.

"Oh my," said Soun.

Tigar repeated her question. "You know where find Tendo Dojo-nyau?"

"This *is* the Tendo Dojo," admitted Kasumi.

"Oh!" The strange girl did a cartwheel. "Tigar come ahead, tell Tendo have hot water ready. You fix, yes! Ranma-airen and Genma-oyaji need when catch up-nyau!"

"You know Saotome?!" Soun immediately began weeping. Soon the houses would be joined!

"Yah!" Tigar nodded happily. "Ranma airen! Genma stupid oyaji! Tigar go on long adventure with! They here soon be! Nyaa!"

"Oh happy day! Oh joyous time!" Soun began celebrating early.

Nabiki blinked at the sight of her father, wondering again if somehow she'd been adopted into this family. "Okay, so how do you know the Saotomes, anyway?"

Tigar quickly encapsulated the two previous episodes. How she had broken a bootlace and so was lagging on her patrol when this boy ran over her. Due to the laws of her tribe, she then gave chase. After finding out that her new beloved had been cursed at Jusenkyo, Tigar stopped trying to give the interloper a knuckle sandwich and instead pursued him for an engagement.

"Wait one moment. You mean to say that..." Soun went from elated to livid.

"Ah, was too too romantic," happily sighed Tigar. She then went on to how the three of them went to a place where curses could be broken. Unfortunately the curses broken were not the ones they'd originally intended to have cured. Tigar hadn't wanted to actually get involved herself, as she didn't have any curses but her father had. "Romantic but dangerous! Nyaow!"

"Curses?" Nabiki sounded slightly skeptical.

"Tigar father was mountain cat who fall into cursed spring Jusenkyo. He turn human and defeat mother. So naturally Tigar know Jusenkyo - is family history. Nyaa?" Tigar grinned at the shorthaired girl, revealing little fangs. "Tigar affected by Curse Cure Fountain, get more catlike and less humanlike as result. Tigar say 'stupid Oyaji' for anger spirits. Nyarrrr."

Nabiki, confronted with further evidence that the girl in front of them was not quite human, quieted down.

"Ranma get cure from stupid oyaji who make scared cats." Tigar nodded. "Stupid Oyaji no say what get cured, but Tigar think she know. His scent change - think maybe he cursed have no more kids. Nyuuu"

"Put me down!"

Tigar jumped up and clapped hands. "That them! Nyaa."

Soun eyed the enthusiastic little obstacle. Perhaps...

--------

EYECATCH:

Tigar with an electric guitar playing a riff.

Scene expands outward to show other cast members with prominent earplugs.

--------

EYECATCH #2:

Tigar playing an electric guitar.

Scene expands to show other cast members with other instruments.

--------

"So hot water restores you, well, your problem isn't so bad," suggested Soun.

"Tigar agree. Ranma takes own problem too serious. Need to lighten up. Mrow."

Soun twitched a little. "So these are my three daughters. Kasumi, she's 19. Nabiki, she's 17. Akane, she's 16. Pick anyone you like, she'll be your new fiancee."

"Say what?" Ranma inquired, wondering if he'd misheard something.

"Say what-nyaa?" echoed Tigar.

"Yes, this predates your claim, Tigar. You'll have to give up on Ranma and return to your village," agreed Genma. Even if she *was* a good cook. Besides, Genma wasn't sure he could put up with all that perkiness much longer.

"Hmmmm. Tigar not sure she believe stupid panda man. Nyam."

"Oyaji. If not for trying to help *us* out, Tigar wouldn't have gotten all catty. Remember - she *used* to look just a *little* catty." Ranma had been treated nicely by a perky devoted girl. If a little weird. Okay, a *lot* weird. Still, he had kind of gotten used to her.

"Is this because Tigar younger than Ranma?" Tigar, as was her tendency, approached this problem from some different angles. Because she was twelve, four years younger than Ranma - she might be dismissed from consideration here. Though she was also considering what approach she could take that wouldn't actually break any rules but still annoy the Elders. Not that she'd admit to her real age - she told everyone she was fourteen. "Tigar old enough by standards of village but understand if airen want to wait until Ranma old enough by his law. Nyaa?"

"Out of the question... what *are* you doing?!" Soun was a little concerned at how the girl was sniffing at each of his daughters.

Tigar made a point of visibly examining each of the three girls. "Airen? Which one you like? Mya!"

"You're not gonna do that 'Kiss Of Death' thing, are you?"

Tigar pointed to Kasumi. "She smell like too too good cook (sniff sniff) also pine? She smell like nice girl. Myea?"

"Oh my," Kasumi wasn't sure what else she could say. That had sounded like a compliment though the comment about her smelling was uncertain at best.

Tigar pointed to Nabiki. "She smell like paper and ink and other thing Tigar not know word for. Also wear lavender scent. She have very sexy look, nyaaa?"

Nabiki opened her mouth and shut it a few times as she tried to figure out what to say.

Tigar now pointed at Akane. "She smell like fighter. Need bathe more often. Myau?"

"HEY!" Akane didn't like this. "I was just working out!"

"Well, Akane, you do get a bit whiffy after practice," pointed out Nabiki.

"'Kiss Of Death'?" Soun inquired.

"Would be promise to track to ends of Earth and kill, obstacle is for killing, that sort of crap," said Tigar, looking over the three. "Mew?"

"HEY! I accept your challenge!" Akane made a muscle gesture.

"You does?" Tigar blinked. "You sure? Nyam?"

"No problem," replied the confident Akane.

Tigar shrugged and put her gloves on. "Okay. Would have chosen Katsumi if was up to Tigar. Nyaa."

"Oh dear!" Kasumi said.

"What's with the gloves?" Nabiki wanted to know.

Tigar held up a hand. "You see what happen to Tigar hands when magic alter? Nails like claw. Mew."

Akane thought about this while going to the dojo. Probably use claw swipe attacks.

Tigar whistled a happy tune.

The two took positions.

"Last chance. You want back out now. Tigar tell Ranma choose good cook. She very..." Tigar tried to find a word in her limited Japanese vocabulary. "erekant? Nya?"

"Elegant," supplied Nabiki, suspicions forming that the catgirl was having a different conversation from the rest of them.

"?!" Kasumi began to wonder the same thing herself.

"Go!" Akane launched herself, pivoting so as to throw a kick.

Tigar ducked, rolled, sprang. "Special Amazon Manuever: Wedgie From Hell!Myaa." (TWANG!)

Having her panties snagged and the leg straps pulled up around her ears, Akane did the most logical thing. "EEEEEEK!"

As Akane tried to free herself, Tigar moved in and wrapped herself limberly around her opponent. "You give up now, okay? Nya!"

"NO WAY!" Akane broke the hold and sent a mule kick back.

Tigar grabbed the leg, then began spinning around faster and faster. Akane went from one legged hopping to screeching and feeling centrifigul force. Tigar let go. "Ooo. That make Tigar little dizzy."

Akane went shooting out the dojo door, slamming into the wall of her own house.

Seeing the girl was dazed, Tigar leapt.

"No! Don't..." Ranma's voice trailed off as he realized that was *not* the Kiss Of Death. "That's the Kiss Of Marriage."

Akane woke up to feel someone's tongue in her mouth. She was being kissed? By a good kisser. Hey! Waitaminute! She was being bent backwards, being given a very passionate smooch by... another girl?!

"Oh my!" Kasumi crossed herself. Seeing her little sister turn red and apparently faint while being kissed, with an odd smile on her face, it did seem to confirm something Kasumi had begun suspecting about Akane.

"Now everything fine. Ranma can have too too cute Amazon bride and, what is word?" Tigar took out her little dictionary, dropping the stunned Akane. "Ah! Mistress! Nyuuu!"

Akane twitched a little, her fingers slowly coming up to her mouth.

"Now everyone can be happy, nya?" Tigar nodded.

Akane went immediately from stunned to running. From the sound of it she went directly to her room.

"Was it something Tigar said, myaa?"

--------

"Didn't stupid oyaji say that it Ranma who make choice, mya?"

"I ain't choosin' *nobody*!"

"I am *not* marrying you!" Akane being forcibly dragged from her room by her sisters ("you are *not* leaving us to deal with this, Akane") back into this situation was not happy.

"No, mya?"

"NO!!!"

"Okay. Tigar have Ranma all to self!^_^ nyaa!"

Stupid oyaji/Genma was really sorry about a lot of this. "RANMA! YOU MUST MARRY A TENDO!"

"That's right, honor demands this!" Soun was quick to back Genma up. Even though Tigar's habit of calling Genma 'stupid oyaji' (due to Ranma introducing Genma as such when they'd first met) was beginning to catch on.

"Is Chinese honor less important than Japanese honor? Nyu?" Tigar voicing this concern.

"Yes!" Soun declared unwisely.

*WHAM!*

Tigar might have been a cute and cuddly catgirl nonconformist, but she was still an Amazon.

Soun began hopping around on one leg after Tigar had bashed the other knee pretty hard.

Genma decided to save his knees and merely looked sympathetically towards Soun. "Now *that* he had coming."

Tigar paused thoughtfully. "So is important honor Ranma marry Tendo, mya?"

"Yes," agreed Soun with tears running down his face.

*SMMOOOOOOOCHHHHH!*

Everyone stared as Nabiki's arms flailed wildly around as she was being kissed by Tigar.

Kasumi especially stared when Nabiki was lowered gently to the ground. Nabiki was not available for comment as she was staring at absolutely nothing in particular. So she merely sat stunned while Nabiki was kissed by Tigar. Which was unfortunate as Kasumi then found herself sharing lipspace with the Amazon. "Mmmmmffff?!"

"There, now all set. Ranma can now marry Tendo. Finish ceremony soon! nyaa!"

"I don't think she gets it," observed Ranma.

"What did you do, exactly?" Soun asked of the little girl.

Tigar licked her lips. That Kasumi girl tasted of cherry lipstick. Yum! "Simple. Ranma married to Tigar in eyes of tribe, nya? Tigar give kiss of marriage to all three Tendo. Now Tigar married to Ranma and Tendo, therefore Ranma married to Tendo, nya!"

Akane had turned her back and had been ignoring all of them when this penetrated. "WHAT?!"

"Though Akane need learn be better kisser. She no fun at all. Kasumi tasty. Nabiki very nice too. Tigar like thems better." Tigar looked to Ranma. "What with you, airen? nya?"

Ranma simply covered his head and hoped he would wake up soon.

Genma got a thoughtful expression. The important thing was to marry Ranma to a Tendo, retire, lie around and play shogi, get drunk, fall down, not have to worry about meals because Ranma would be supporting him. What the little Amazon girl had just done indicated that she would *not* be acting as an obstacle, but actively playing mediator between Ranma and all three of Soun's daughters. Which meant that he must have somehow resolved the problem and found a solution that everyone could be happy with.

Soun stopped in mid rant as Genma started whispering to him. The little Amazon girl had decided that all three of Soun's daughters were co-wives? Then let her have her fantasy! In the meantime, she'd be trying to match one or the other of the daughters with Ranma - they could let *her* play matchmaker while they decided what to do at their leisure.

Tigar knew stupid oyaji and funny-cries-a-lot man were doing something strange. Hopefully she'd be able to figure it out later.

"You... you... you..." Akane commenced slow burn.

"Now, Tigar welcome three new members of Amazon tribe!" Tigar backflipped three times to come down in the back yard. "Since no of you good fighter, use something other than fighter ceremony, nya!"

"We're now members of your tribe?" asked Nabiki, trying to ignore the odd feelings of having been kissed and hugged by an affectionate Amazon catgirl.

"Yah!" Tigar dodged Akane's attack. "Nyah! Nyah! Akane too too slow. Tigar see Japanese wedding on TV. Tigar know what happen now! Nyaaaa!"

Kasumi twitched.

"Hold still so I can mmmmfffff!" Akane went back to being shocked as her mouth was stuffed full by an apple. "MMmmF?!"

"Wedding feast, nya!"

"MMMMFFFF!" Akane tried to get a Size B apple out of a Size A mouth.

(STUFF!) (STUFF!) (STUFF!)

Tigar dusted off her hands. Even though his mouth was full of riceball, training with Genma had equipped Ranma for such situations and he was able to overcome this difficulty. Nabiki and Kasumi, neither being stubborn, helped each other dislodge their gags.

"Now for final of Japanese wedding! Tigar favorite part! Nyeah!"

Ranma groaned. Akane stopped trying to dislodge the apple. Genma and Soun hid. Kasumi looked vaguely alarmed and took a bite of her peach. Nabiki looked concerned and nibbled on her rice ball. Would this be a lemon scene involving all three Tendo girls, Ranma, and Tigar?!

Tigar produced her guitar. "Karaoke! Nyeah nyeah!"

Three daughters Tendo facefaulted. Nabiki felt a twinge of disappointment.

"One two three o'clock,
four o'clock rock,
five six seven o'clock,
eight o'clock rock,
nine ten eleven o'clock,
twelve o'clock rock,
we gonna rock around the clock tonight!"

Akane went back to trying to dislodge the apple.

Kasumi and Nabiki exchanged a glance. Nabiki raised an eyebrow and mouthed "she's actually pretty good." Kasumi nodded, surprised herself. Especially as the girl had thickly accented and poorly structured Japanese, but apparently English (or at least their songs) was another story.

"We gonna rock around the clock tonight,
got to rock rock rock to the broad daylight,
gonna rock gonna rock around the clock tonight!"

Tigar was in her favored element. She was the best tracker of the Nichieju. She wasn't as fast or as strong as some of the other fighters. On the other hand she *loved* American and British rock and roll. (And as it really annoyed the Elders, she had gotten even more enthusiastic about this little hobby.)

Tigar danced and played the guitar, showing every sign of having feline flexibility and agility.

Genma and Soun straightened up from their hiding places. It was a pity but they'd hoped that Ranma and at least one daughter could be found enjoying each other's company and could then be rushed to the altar. Oh well, the night was still young.

Tigar finished "rock around the clock" and immediately went into a completely different song.

"Love love love!
Love love love!
Love love love!
myow myow myow-me-myow!"

Akane stopped trying to free the apple from her mouth as it penetrated that this subhuman animal was singing. She wasn't half bad either. Not that *she* couldn't do better, of course!

"All you need is love!
All together now!
All you need is love!
Everybody!
All you need is love, love,
Love is all you need!"

Flushed and happy, Tigar grabbed the apple from Akane's mouth and handed her sister-wife her favorite guitar. "Akane turn nyow! Something happy, nyaaa?"

*KA-BONG!*

Turning her back on the flattened catgirl and the remains of the guitar, Akane hmmmphed. "Honestly!"

"Akane?" Nabiki asked of her departing sister.

"WHAT?! Don't tell me you *want* to be part of this pervert's harem!"

Nabiki colored slightly. "That wasn't my point. How old do you think she is?"

"How should I know?!" Akane glared at her sisters for keeping her here when she *could* be gargling an entire bottle of Scope.

Ranma spoke, a little concerned about what would happen when Tigar got back up. "Twelve. She says she's fourteen, but slipped once and admitted she was twelve."

"Congratulations, Akane. You just beat up a twelve year old girl." Nabiki golf-clapped her younger sister.

Soun was quick to act. Little girl went into a box, which was chained shut and addressed to Antarctica. Let Genma hatch his schemes when it wasn't *his* little girls being dragged into some incestuous mass lemon scene!

"myew?! Hssssssssssssssss"

Soun continued running for the post office. Only a few more yards.

(SHRED!) (GRAB!) (STUF!)

"Hello, need send package to Antarctica, nyau!"

--------

KASUMI'S VOICE: "Oh my. Next week on Ranma 1/2!"

TIGAR'S VOICE: "Why can Tigar no go to Ranma-airen's school! Not fair! Tigar sneak in anyway. Mya!"

AKANE'S VOICE: "What do you mean 'Bridal Training'?!"

NABIKI'S VOICE: "Akane. Those are *not* melons, you can't squeeze them, and they are not for sale. Go fondle someone else."

SOUN'S VOICE: "S-s-s-s-s-so c-c-c-c-cold!"

GENMA'S VOICE: "On the other hand, two of them can cook, and this *would* prove Ranma was a 'man among men' curse or not. Hmmmmm."

RANMA'S VOICE: "Uhm. No, I've still got the catfist. I'm just not scared of cats no more."

SOMEONE ELSE: "FOUL SORCERER! I SHALL SMITE THEE AND THY FOUL FAMILIAR!"

TIGAR'S VOICE: "You heading for major ka-powie, Blue Fart. Nya."

SOMEONE ELSE AGAIN: "THAT'S BLUE THUNDER!!!"

TIGAR'S VOICE: "Sound more like Blue Fart. Akane agree - Nya?"

AKANE'S VOICE: "You know, that's kind of catchy."

RYONAMI'S VOICE: "Nabiki?! Is there something you're not telling us?"

NABIKI'S VOICE: "I AM NOT 'THAT WAY'!!! Akane's the lesbian in the family. NOT me."

AKANE'S VOICE: "I'm WHAT?!?!"

KASUMI'S VOICE: "You'll have to forgive my sister. She's very nice, it's just that she's a violent maniac."

TIGAR'S VOICE: "You know. We have girl just like that in village. Nye-ha-ha"

SHAMPOO'S VOICE: "Aaa-chooooo!"

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Ending animation:

Tigar puts her WWI aviator goggles on. An engine roars.

With a screech of rubber, Tigar gets a motorcycle going with Ranma clinging for dear life behind her. Behind *him* is the rest of the cast. End credits roll overhead as the chase goes on (though in slow motion).

"Just an old fashioned love song
Playing on the radio,
And wrapped around the music,
is the sound of someone
saying they'll never go.

Just an old fashioned love song,
one I'm sure they wrote for you and me.
Just an old fashioned love song,
coming down in Neriman cacophany!"

As the end credits finish, you hear Tigar's voice going "Is time for lemon scene yet?"

Ranma's voice replied. "W-w-w-what?! NO! No it isn't!"

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Tigar (bounces around): "Well, is it good?! Good yes!"

Producer: "Don't call us. We'll call you."

Tigar: "Tigar no have phone. How you call?"

Producer: "It means you've been rejected. You're not original enough. We've got some catlady saying you're a blatant Mary Jane."

Tigar: "Tigar want recount. Well, at least can maybe appear as minor supporting character in other fanfics?"

Producer: "Don't count on it."