Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ What I Didn't Know ❯ Mourning ( Chapter 3 )

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 3-Mourning

Somehow, I made it. I didn't know how, and, frankly, I didn't much care. I was only able to pay attention in half of my classes, but at this point in the school year, it didn't really matter. I had already passed my university exams, so being in class was just a formality.

I wasn't the only one feeling that way. All of us seniors were finishing out the year on fumes, and I noticed several other students spending class time sleeping or working on other projects. The teachers didn't seem to put any extra effort into regaining our attentions. They knew we were done. February was almost over. It was all downhill from here.

Then it was on to Akizuki's house to finish our movie. That was harder. I tried to concentrate, but she had to keep prompting me with my lines. It was just that one scene, but it was so crucial to the story that we couldn't leave it out. I know. I asked. Twice.

She was more reserved than usual as we worked, but I certainly didn't mind. It made things a little easier, not having to worry about her anymore. She was still bossy, of course, and the job of director had obviously gone to her head. But she knew what she was doing. I had a feeling that she was used to pulling people's strings, or at least had carefully observed a master string-puller.

And speaking of reserved, Yuki was still quiet as we worked. I didn't know if I should bring everything up again or not. He'd talk about it when he was ready.

But I didn't know what to think about that. He was shutting me out. I could feel it. And even though I didn't want to deal with all this right now, I still wanted to help him. It was only natural.

Maybe I was afraid. I'd told him before that there would be a time when he'd need me, and then a time when he wouldn't. Was this it? Did he not need me anymore? What was going to happen now?

I hated the uncertainty of it all. I think that's what bothered me the most. I'd never been comfortable with the unknown. But I did know one thing. It wasn't over yet.

We finally finished the scene, and Akizuki invited us to stay for dinner. I saw that boy she lived with again. He'd been hovering in the background while we worked, but now, even as he came forward to second her invitation, I saw him shoot her a look of disapproval. She bowed her head subtly as a sign of contrition for acting without his permission.

I never liked him. His power was strong, stronger than anything I'd ever come across. Everything about him was suspicious. He'd been hiding, too, just like she had. But his aura was so powerful that I'd picked up on it anyway. There was a hole in his shield, and even though I could see through it, I didn't know exactly what was on the other side.

But that feeling was gone, too. Now they were both just two blank walls, like everyone else. But that didn't mean that I trusted them.

Yuki and I both declined to stay, which actually made Akizuki look relieved. "Then I'll see you guys at school tomorrow," she said as she waved good-bye, annoyingly chipper once again. "Take care!"

So it was just me and Yuki, alone for the first time since all this happened. Well, for the first time with both of us conscious. We walked down the street in silence, heading toward his house. My pace was slower than usual, every step requiring effort, but I made sure to keep up with him. I had to keep going.

"Do you mind?" he asked suddenly.

I used to know what he was thinking. I couldn't tell now. And it had nothing to do with my lost power. "Mind what?"

"I'd like to be alone for a while."

There was no hostility or irritation in his tone, just a sort of distracted melancholy. I couldn't stand seeing him like this. "You know," I began, "if you want me to, I can-"

"No." His answer was quiet but firm.

There was so much going on in his head. I could see it in his eyes. Even his eyes seemed different now. They were still the same clear hazel, but they were sharper, somehow. I knew that Yue was watching through those eyes, taking everything in and passing judgment. That was his role, after all.

I desperately wanted to know what was going on. How did that work? Did they talk to each other? When one of them thought, did the other hear it? Where were they the same, and where were they different? Would I ever see Yue again? Did I want to? What did he think about me? Why was I making this about me?

God, what a mess.

I nodded, but I refused to leave it like that. "If you need me...."

"I know," he said, and he smiled. For a second, he looked like his old self again. "Thanks."

And then I was alone.

I started for home, but my feet didn't take me there. I had someplace else to go first. Maybe it was subconscious. Maybe I'd meant to go there all along. I always did when I didn't know where else to turn.

The large cherry tree of Tsukimine Shrine was still dormant as it waited for spring. Its imposing shadow was cast on the ground in front of me as the sun continued to set. I stood there, several feet away, not daring to move any closer.

Because then I would be forced to accept everything that had happened.

It was hard to explain what having my power was like. The closest thing I'd ever been able to compare it to was a crowded room. When you first step inside, all the sounds and voices come at you, a jumble of chaos. So much going on that at first it seems deafening. But you slowly get used to it, and then you don't even notice it. Until it all just suddenly stops. Until it's quiet again. And the silence is somehow worse than the noise.

Never having a sense is one thing. But to have it and then lose it....

Why did I keep using that word? I didn't lose it. It wasn't misplaced. I wasn't going to be cleaning out my closet one day and say, "Oh, so that's where it was." And it wasn't stolen, although it felt like it. Like it had been taken from me. But, no, I didn't lose it. I gave it away.

I remained rooted to my spot at the entrance to the shrine, looking at the tree. Intellectually, logically, I knew that my power was gone. But there was a part of me that still didn't believe it. So this was how I would know. This would make it real like nothing else had. And yet, I hesitated.

Maybe this was all a nightmare, and I would soon wake up, and none of it would have happened. None of it.

Maybe I would wake up, and I would be nine years old again. Before 'kaa-san got sick. Maybe this time, she wouldn't get sick. Maybe she'd be there to hold me and soothe me as I told her about my dream, reassuring me that everything was all right.

Maybe everything would turn out differently.

Or maybe I was just an idiot.

I slowly approached the tree and reached out to lay my palm against the rough bark of the old, sturdy trunk. I closed my eyes and waited for that warm glow to infuse my spirit with hope and comfort.

I felt nothing.

Now I had to accept it.

If I couldn't feel anything from the most powerful source of magic energy in town, then I'd never feel anything again.

I wouldn't be able to protect my sister.

I wouldn't be able to see my mother. It was like losing her all over again.

I'd said that I understood. I'd said that it was all right. It wasn't fair that no one else could see her. I meant that. And I didn't see her often, just when she had something she needed to do or say. It wasn't like she was always around. But she was. I knew that, somehow, she was always there for me. And so how did I show her how much I loved her?

I chose Yuki over her.

I'm sorry, 'kaa-san. I had to do it. Please understand.

I thought I heard someone coming, but it was only the early evening breeze, gently rustling the leaves. I half-expected to turn around and see Kaho standing there, that frustratingly enigmatic smile on her face. Have you come to worship? she'd ask, like the first time we met.

I bowed my head and closed my eyes again. "No," I whispered into the cool night air. "I've come to mourn."

***

After dinner, I felt a little better. I didn't know how much that had to do with eating my weight in fried shrimp, but it did help. Then I wanted nothing more than to go to my room and sleep like the dead for a good eighteen hours or so, but I had an appointment to keep.

I knocked on Sakura's door and poked my head in before she had a chance to answer. "Onii-chan!" she scolded as she shoved something in her desk drawer. "You can't just barge in here! What if I was doing something?"

"Like what?" I asked, raising a curious eyebrow at her. Then my eyes focused on the little yellow plush toy sitting on her desk. Its arms were outstretched in what was supposed to be a natural position, but I could see it straining to appear as inanimate as possible. I tried not to smirk, but one corner of my mouth was definitely twitching.

"What if I was getting undressed? Or talking on the phone with Tomoyo-chan?" Sakura was still ranting. It was kind of cute. "You have to stop treating me like a little kid. I deserve some privacy."

Oh, no. My kaijuu was growing up. When did this happen? She was just four years old yesterday, wasn't she, and tripping over her clumsily tied shoelaces? "I'll try to remember that," I grumbled as I stepped into her room, shutting the door behind me. At least she was acting normal again. She forgot that she wasn't fighting with me. That didn't last long, did it?

"Well, just come right on in," she grumbled back. "What do you want, anyway?"

Boy, everyone was in a mood today. Had I interrupted something? "I said we needed to have a talk, remember?"

I saw the memory of our morning conversation pass through her eyes, and she nodded. "But you said the three of us, and Otou-san isn't home yet." Her mood changed so fast that for a second I wondered if I had nodded off momentarily. Stranger things had happened. Hell, around here, strange had become the standard.

"I wasn't talking about 'tou-san." Her mouth opened, but I didn't give her a chance to speak. "No, not Yuki, either."

It was time to lay everything out on the table. I walked over to her desk, and I could have sworn that the stuffed animal was sweating from the strain of remaining still. I stopped right in front of it and held out my hand. "Hi, I'm Touya. Nice to meet you."

And then I saw it do something it never had before. It blinked. Then its little black eyes darted toward Sakura, as if asking her what to do. She must have motioned for it to respond to me, because it reached out a yellow paw and shook my hand as best as it could. See, that was something that should have been strange.

"I am Kerberos, the Guardian Beast of the Seal," this tiny, squeaky voice imparted proudly.

I should have been prepared for that, but apparently, I wasn't, because I did something I shouldn't have. I snickered. I couldn't help it. A talking stuffed animal with an Osaka accent. Add that to the other magical being residing in the body and consciousness of my best friend, and my life was officially weird. Anyone would laugh in order to keep a tenuous grasp on their last bit of sanity.

The great guardian plushie looked offended. I coughed and pretended to clear my throat. "I think you know why I'm here," I said, putting on my best serious expression.

Kerberos nodded. It-he-knew I meant business. In some odd way, we'd understood each other all along. Once I could get past the whole stuffed animal thing, we'd probably get along swimmingly. "Get the book, Sakura."

"But, Kero-chan-"

"It's time. Show him the book."

She opened her desk drawer, and I sat down on her bed, preparing for the long story to come. I hoped I'd stay awake long enough to hear it all.

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