Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ What I Didn't Know ❯ Breakdown ( Chapter 7 )

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 7-Breakdown

Our high school classes were out the next day, but poor Sakura still had to go to school. I got up early anyway to make breakfast and see her and 'tou-san off. I didn't quite know what to do with myself. For once, I didn't feel like sleeping, and there wasn't much exciting to do around the house. Kerberos was dealing with any trauma he might have been suffering after yesterday's events by getting wrapped up in some new video game, which was just as well, because couldn't I at least come up with something better to do than hanging out with a stuffed animal? I thought about going to see Yuki, but I didn't think that would be a good idea.

It's over, he'd said. But was it really? Maybe Sakura's tests were over, but Yuki had withdrawn back into himself again. After everything we'd talked about recently, there could only be one reason for his emotional retreat: Hiiragizawa... or, rather, Clow Reed. Yue was understandably shocked by the revelation that Clow had returned, and there was nothing I could possibly say, so unless Yuki wanted to talk about it, I was going to leave them alone for the time being. If I'd accurately read between the lines during all the conversations I'd had with Yuki and Kerberos, then Yue's devotion to Clow went beyond that of a servant for his master. No wonder he felt so betrayed to discover that his beloved master had been reborn and created new guardians to serve him.

I still couldn't believe that annoying kid was the reincarnation of such a powerful sorcerer, although I probably should have known. I'd always gotten a weird vibe from him. And that explained a lot about Akizuki as well. With her moon energy, she was Yuki's counterpart-a magical being disguised as human. Maybe she was even... Yue's replacement. No, that couldn't be right. She'd told me herself that nothing was going on between them, and, for once, I didn't think she'd been lying. Then what was it that still bugged me about that kid?

I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I went out for a morning walk, intending to look for a new part-time job, but inevitably found myself at the shrine again. I seemed to end up there a lot lately. It wasn't that I meant to go there, but somehow, my instinct told me I had to. Now that I was drawing on basic human intuition rather than magic, I wondered what I was going to find when I got there. Probably nothing.

I almost couldn't believe my eyes. I resisted the temptation to rub them, as if a little bit of dream dust was influencing what I was seeing. I wasn't normally so incredulous, and considering everything that had happened these past few weeks, I didn't think I could be surprised by anything. Boy, was I wrong.

She was standing near the old cherry tree, and she saw me without even looking my way. "I knew you'd come," she said.

I was still staring in disbelief. "Kaho."

Why did she keep coming back into my life like this?

She turned to me then, and she looked just the same as she always had. I'd never forgotten how beautiful she was, even when I'd tried to hate her. That long, fox-red hair hanging straight down her back. That mysterious smile. That knowing gaze. A thousand secrets in her eyes and none on her lips. "You're looking well, Touya," she said conversationally.

I assumed she knew what I'd been through. And my suspicions were correct, because I could tell she was feeling me out without much success. If she was calling me, I couldn't hear her. I couldn't sense her. I didn't expect to, of course, but it was still odd, considering everything we'd once shared.

I stood there stupidly, not knowing how to respond. I had dozens of questions. Why was she back? Okay, so I only had one question. But it kept echoing in my mind. She smiled again, knowing what I was thinking, and I frowned at her. She'd always had the advantage.

We'll be friends when I return, she'd said that night. Well, she'd been wrong about that. It was the first time I'd ever known her to be wrong about anything, but I couldn't even take a twisted sort of pleasure from that. I didn't want to be friends. It was impossible. You couldn't be friends with someone you'd once....

And it wasn't like we'd spent much time together then, anyway. She hadn't come back for me. She came back for Sakura, and then she left again without so much as a goodbye. So why was she here now?

I could tell she sensed the chaos of emotions in me, even though I kept my expression neutral. This must have been how Yue felt upon discovering that Clow had returned: upset, elated, confused, hopeful. But I could only guess at that. Besides, as far as I knew, Yue wasn't capable of any emotion other than mild irritation. That's all I'd ever seen him exhibit, although maybe that was just how he felt around me.

"How are you?" Kaho asked unnecessarily.

"Fine," I replied tersely. That's what I said when anyone asked me how I was these days. It was that simple, vague answer people wanted, and their obligation to you was fulfilled because they had inquired as to your well-being. And it was better that way. If I told people I was fine, then they wouldn't worry about me. I would still appear strong, solid, and unflinching, as was expected of me. Besides, constantly saying that I was fine made it easier to convince myself that I was.

But she knew me too well, and such an answer wouldn't be good enough for her. She waited for me to elaborate instead of offering me any information about herself. God, I'd always been so annoyed by that. She never gave anything away. I never knew what she was thinking or feeling. I'd once thought I did, but I'd just been fooling myself.

So when I refused to say more, she sighed. I'd never seen a sign of frustration from her before. Maybe she was human after all. "I heard about what you did," she said softly as she walked toward me. "That's so like you, Touya. Always putting the people you care about ahead of yourself."

Well, one of us had to. I had no idea that I was still so bitter about how things had ended between us. I'd accepted it, but a part of me had refused to move on. Maybe it was because I'd still loved her. Or maybe it was because I was so damn stubborn. My reaction to being hurt was to make sure it never happened again. After she left, I'd stayed away from even the possibility of any relationship, summarily turning down any girl who expressed the slightest bit of interest in me, not willing to put myself out there like that.

But I was out there, wasn't I?

"So, I'll ask you again," Kaho continued, pulling me out of my thoughts before I could fully digest the significance of what I'd been about to realize. "How are you, Touya?" Her question was not a polite, conversational courtesy. Her gentle tone reflected a deeper concern for my mental and emotional state. She cared about me. She always had.

Something inside of me snapped at that moment. I'd been so focused on everyone around me that I'd diminished the importance of my own healing process. I'll adjust, I'd told myself. It will get better. I made the right decision. And during all of this, I'd never discussed what I was going through with anyone else. I had to be strong for them. I had to help them. They needed me. I couldn't need anyone.

But I did. I needed someone. And, of course, who else would it be but the woman who knew me better than I knew myself?

"I don't know," I finally answered, and it was the most painfully honest answer I could give. I closed my eyes tightly, trying not to let my exhaustion, my mental exhaustion from keeping everything inside, cause me to break down in front of her. "I just don't know." It was useless. I started shaking then, and I sank down onto the ground. My strength had finally given out. I had been pushed to my limit, and I couldn't deal with this on my own anymore.

She sat down beside me, not even caring that she was getting dirt and grass on her pink dress. She was like that. I immediately took back every horrible thought I'd ever had about her. She cared about me, maybe not the way I'd wanted her to at one time, but she did.

She put her arms around me and held me until I stopped shaking. I was only peripherally aware of the way it felt to be held by her again, and how it didn't quite live up to my memories of her. And then she just listened as everything came pouring out. My resentment, my weariness, my confusion. It had all been bottled up while I focused on helping Yuki deal with his true identity. And somehow, I'd resented it. I'd do anything for him, but that didn't change the fact that I was only human. I forgot that sometimes. I wasn't perfect. I couldn't always be okay with everything. It was all right to be sad or angry or weary. I'd refused to bother anyone with my problems, but that didn't make them disappear.

She was so patient, sitting beside me, letting me ramble on. That was all I'd needed. I didn't need platitudes or solutions. I didn't need pity. I needed someone to listen. She'd always been so good at that.

When I finished, my throat sore from talking for what must have been an hour, I thought I would feel better. But maybe I'd been wrong. Maybe I did need a solution. Because I didn't know what to do now. My life had been changed forever, and that wasn't something that could be easily dismissed. It was something I'd told myself that I'd accepted, but had I really?

"I feel so empty," I admitted quietly. "I've given everything I have to everyone else, and there's nothing left for me. I don't know who I am anymore."

There. I'd said it. I wouldn't let myself even think it, but it was the truth. And she understood. She didn't say a word, but I saw it in her eyes. Kaho had always understood me, even when I didn't understand myself.

"God, I hate this," I muttered, shoving my hands through my hair. "I wish I knew what to do."

"You'll figure it out," she answered, cryptic as ever. "You always do."

I looked at her then, remembering everything we'd been through together-that is, everything I'd been through that she'd helped me with. And it had always been like this. She never told me what to do; she knew it was more important for me to find my own way. She could be so annoying like that. So I just shrugged and asked her the question that was still unanswered. "Why did you come back?" It wasn't for me; I knew that much.

"To see everyone," she replied. "Eriol asked me to come." A fond little smile curved her lips, and it was the kind of smile she used to give me, back then.

Eriol? "You mean...." I tried to put it together. "You knew," I said, almost accusatory. "You knew this whole time what was going on, didn't you?"

She nodded. "It had to be this way. That's what he wanted."

Something wasn't clicking. "Eriol," I repeated, a little slow to catch on. "He's the one you met in England?" She nodded again. Put it together, Kinomoto. "Then, that means...." Oh, my God. "Oh, my God."

"You sound surprised."

I sure as hell did. She'd said that when she came back, she'd have someone new that she loved. I hadn't asked her about it the last time she was here, because I didn't figure it was any of my business. And it had hurt me to think that maybe she'd moved on while I hadn't. But him? "How old is he, anyway?"

She laughed at the incredulity in my voice. "That's a very good question," she said evasively. "He's not as young as you might think."

I didn't want to know. It sounded awfully damn complicated. "You haven't changed."

"Yes, I have. So have you. But that's life, isn't it?"

"I guess."

We walked around the grounds then, silently for several minutes, until she said, "There's something else you want to ask me, isn't there?"

There was. Something I hadn't been able to ask anyone else, because I knew that no one had the answer. "Will I get my power back?" That had been at the back of my mind all this time. It was a selfish, selfish thought that I wouldn't even let myself acknowledge.

"Do you want it back?"

She really hadn't changed, no matter what she said. "Do you always have to answer my questions with a question?"

"Do I do that?" she joked, her eyes sparkling before she turned serious again. "It's a legitimate question, Touya. Do you want your power back?"

I didn't know. I'd made that sacrifice to save Yuki's life, not considering that I'd get my power back. But maybe, once Sakura's magic was strong enough, Yue wouldn't need my energy to sustain him anymore, and he could return it to me. If I'd known that I would get my power back, I wouldn't have hesitated to give it to him. But I hadn't hesitated anyway. That wasn't why I did it. I gave it away thinking that I'd never have it back. That was the choice I'd made.

"No," I finally answered. "I don't."

She nodded. "I don't know that you will."

"Oh, so there's something you don't know?" I asked, raising an eyebrow in her direction. "Let me write down the date, because I don't want to forget when the great Kaho Mizuki admitted that she didn't know everything after all."

I'd meant it as a joke, but as with any joke, there was some truth in it. I saw a hurt expression cross her face before she looked away. "I never claimed to know everything," she said quietly.

I didn't know how to feel, knowing that something I'd said had affected her like that. I'd never seen anything upset her before. I'd always thought that she was immune to having her feelings hurt, but maybe she was just good at hiding them, like I was. "I'm sorry," I said, disrupting the silence that had settled between us as we continued walking. "I didn't mean-"

"I know you didn't."

And I knew she did. It was surprisingly comfortable to be with her again, so much like the way things used to be that I almost started to believe that we truly could be friends. She'd been my best friend at one time, the one I went to for everything. It was so easy to slip back into that, much easier than I thought it would be.

But everything had changed.

I just wanted this, though. Just for a few more minutes.

And as if she'd read my mind, she said, "I have to go soon. I have someplace to be."

We stopped near the cherry tree again, the place where we'd met. The place where my gawky fourteen-year-old self had first kissed her. The place where I nervously told her I loved her, holding my breath until she said the same. The place where, a year later, she unceremoniously broke my heart. And I felt dread settle over me. Was it because of the memories, or because, somewhere inside, I knew what was coming?

"Will you wait here? I have something for you." When I nodded, she went into one of the buildings and retrieved a small package. "Consider it a birthday gift. I'm either three years late or one year early."

I tried to laugh at her joke, but I couldn't. "Can I open it now?"

"If you want. I won't tell."

I carefully tore the paper away from the rectangular object. It should have been obvious what it was, had I taken the time to consider it. Everyone knows a book when they see one. "Truth, Life, and the Self," I read. The title sounded like some sort of ridiculous self-help guide, but upon closer inspection, I saw that its content was philosophical rather than psychological.

"I hope it will help you find the answers you're looking for," Kaho said quietly as I thumbed through the pages. "I think it will lead you to what you want."

It couldn't be a coincidence that she'd chosen something like this before she'd even talked to me. "Are you sure you don't know everything?" I asked skeptically.

"Well," she said with her enigmatic smile, "not everything." Then she laughed when I rolled my eyes at her.

It really would be easy to go back to the way things used to be. "Kaho," I began uncertainly, "can we-"

"No," she answered, and her tone was almost wistful. "I thought we could, but we can't."

She was right again. Dammit.

But that didn't stop her from kissing me. It took me by surprise, and I stood there, still and unresponsive as her lips brushed softly against mine, because she didn't want anything from me. Once her kiss would have made my heart race, and just the thought of it would have been enough to sustain me until I saw her again, but now I knew that I didn't feel that way anymore. And neither did she. Because her kiss wasn't meant to be romantic or passionate.

She was saying goodbye.

"You're not coming back." I didn't have to ask. I knew.

"My home is with him now," she replied.

It was over. It had been over for a long time. "So, that's it? I'm never going to see you again?" God, this just got harder every time. Why was that?

"When the time is right, we'll meet again," she answered in that same patronizing tone that she'd used before, when she'd promised we'd be friends. I didn't know whether to believe her or not. "Maybe you can come visit us someday."

I really didn't want to do that. Not anytime soon, anyway. "Can I at least write to you?" I blurted out. Where did this sudden desperation come from? Was it all a part of feeling so disconnected from everything? That I needed to grab onto something-anything-to keep from drowning in my confusion? She'd pulled me from it once before.

She seemed to be considering my request. "Write to Nakuru-chan. I know she'd like that." She placed her hand against my cheek, and it felt cool instead of warm, like I'd remembered. Maybe it was because I didn't sense the magic in her anymore. Maybe that was why, as good as I thought things felt with her, it just wasn't the same. "It will be all right, Touya," she said softly. "I promise you that."

If only I could be sure. But I nodded, brave little soldier that I was, and she gave me a comforting, motherly smile.

God, maybe I did have mother issues after all. No, forget I said that.

She had to go, she reminded me, and I walked with her to the street. Before she turned away, she said, "You should tell him." And there was that knowing look of hers again.

I blinked like some sort of idiot. "Tell who what?" I didn't know if I was playing dumb or if I really was that clueless. Denial is a powerful thing like that.

She started to answer, but then she just shook her head. I looked at her, taking in every detail of her appearance, from the shade of her pink dress to the way her long bangs fell in her eyes to the almost sad smile on her ruby lips. I'd never feel about anyone the way I'd felt about her. Whether it was because of the magic or something deeper, I'd loved her.

"Goodbye, Touya."

A part of me always would.

"Goodbye, Kaho."

~~-~~