Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ What I Didn't Know ❯ Surprise ( Chapter 8 )

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 8-Surprise

"Mizuki-sensei came back."

Amazingly, I didn't even miss a beat. "Yeah, I saw her yesterday," I answered. But I couldn't look at Yuki when I confessed to meeting Kaho. Somehow, I felt like I'd betrayed him by talking to her, and, moreover, by talking to her about him, and how my life had been changed because of him. I kept my eyes on the skillet, careful not to let our dinner burn. "Apparently, Kaho knew everything after all. That Clow Reed was behind all this trouble." With a quick flick of my wrist, a technique I'd picked up working in various restaurants, I flipped the sauce in the pan. If it looked like I was concentrating on mastering my one culinary trick, then it would explain why I couldn't meet his eyes.

When did everything get so mixed up? Talking with Kaho had helped me sort through some things, but there was one issue I hadn't been able to confide to her. It was this realization that my feelings for Yuki ran deeper than friendship. Whether I'd still been in denial or I just wasn't ready to say the words out loud, I couldn't tell her. And yet, I think she knew anyway. That damn woman. She really did know everything.

"But, I'm grateful," he said quietly. Now I looked at him, but his eyes were focused on the table he'd just set. "Because he created me, the true me, I was able to meet you and Sakura-chan."

I should say something, I thought. But what the hell should I say? That I knew how he felt? That I was grateful to Clow, too, despite everything he'd put us all through? That I-

Sakura came home then, and rather than greeting us, she ran straight upstairs. Something had clearly upset her. I'd never known her not to come say hello to Yuki, or, well, to me, even at her pesky-little-sister best. Not to come see what was for dinner and take a taste from the pot so I could tease her about leaving some for the rest of us.

"Sakura-chan?" Yuki mused, more to himself than to me. "Did something happen?"

I wondered, too.

I had to stop myself from going upstairs to see what was wrong. She hadn't come to me after confessing her feelings to Yuki, and that had made me realize that she was growing up, and away from me. Why wasn't she confiding in me anymore? I knew I should have been used to it. These past two years had been filled with secrets, after all. But that didn't change the fact that it still hurt to be on the outside.

Instead I returned my attention to the stove. If she didn't come down when I called her for dinner, then I would poke my nose into her business, if only to hear her tell me to butt the hell out. That would convince me that she was okay.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Yuki take a step toward the stairs, but he stopped himself, too. He had those same brotherly instincts I did when I came to her. We wanted to know what was wrong and what we could do to make it better. But we also knew that if she needed us, she'd let us know when she was ready.

He sighed and fiddled with the plates on the table, making them perfectly straight for no apparent reason, before he looked over at me. "Do you need me to do anything else?" he asked now.

"Can you get the tea?"

"Sure."

He knew where everything was in our kitchen and didn't hesitate when it came to getting something he needed. That whole "part of the family" thing nagged at me again, and I pushed those troubling words away. "Yuki?"

"Yeah?"

I really didn't have anything planned to say after that. I cursed myself for starting something in the first place. "Do you want to stay over tonight?" Well, God, that was brilliant. Where the hell did that come from?

I saw a startled look pass through his hazel eyes before he smiled. "Yeah. I'll have to go home for a few things."

When he smiled at me, I remembered why I'd gone through all of this. Why I'd given away something so important to me. Because he was more important. And I needed him to stay. It made things easier now, instead of harder, like it was before.

At least, that's what I was hoping for.

Dinner was on the table, and I went to the base of the stairs to call for my little sister and her other guardian, since 'tou-san wouldn't be home until later. There was no answer, so I tried again. "Sakura? Don't let it get cold, kaijuu."

"I am not a kaijuu!" she yelled back as her thudding footsteps echoed through the ceiling. Her tone wasn't quite angry enough to convince me that she was all right, but she was obviously determined not to think about whatever was bothering her. That was a good sign, right? It couldn't be that serious. Maybe she'd just found out her math grade or something.

It was quite a bizarre meal, to say the least. I watched in rapt silence as the two powerful guardians talked to each other in their alternate forms. There really wasn't a good way to say that. I hated to use the word "false," because Yuki was real, as real as I was. And "temporary" left me with the horrible feeling that he might start to fade away again, and next time, it would be for good. "Alternate" was the best I could come up with.

As far as I knew, Kerberos had never talked to Yuki like this, and he seemed a bit flustered about it. Whereas Sakura and I saw Yuki and Yue as two separate people, no matter how alike they were, Kerberos was having some difficulty making that distinction. He soon gave up and instead focused on trying to out-eat Yuki, as if it were a matter of pride. He wouldn't let Yue best him in any form, which was most likely a rivalry that went back further than I could possibly imagine. If they only needed magic to sustain them, why on earth did they eat so much? Not just why, but... how? My stomach ached just thinking about shoveling down that much. Apparently I'd forgotten how voracious my own appetite had been during the first few weeks following my power drain. But then, I'd been making up for something I'd lost.

Sakura was quiet for the most part, too, but I suspected that she had her own reasons. She would jump in once in a while to respond to Yuki's teasing or to chastise Kerberos, and even though she was wearing a carefree smile, it didn't reach her green eyes. God, what had happened? She wasn't upset with any of us, that I could tell, and she never fought with Tomoyo, so... it must have been that gaki. What did he do this time? I was going to kill him. Really and truly. And I'd bet that Kerberos would help me.

Except that after eating, his next priority was to go finish his new video game. I'd never known anyone to be so obsessed with making it to the end of a game the same day he'd started. Even 'tou-san appreciated the challenge of a game and discovering the intricacies and strategy involved to defeat it. But I'd bet that if he could spend an entire day playing, he'd get as caught up in winning as Kerberos did.

The yellow plushie didn't even say goodbye as he grabbed a pudding cup from the refrigerator and flew off toward the stairs. We all stared after him for a second before shrugging in unison, and when we saw each other making the exact same gesture, we laughed.

Since I had cooked, it was Sakura's job to clean up, and she began clearing the table without a single complaint. Yuki and I exchanged a concerned glance before he stood up to help her. "Thanks for dinner, again, as usual."

"You don't have to do that," I said, indicating the plate in his hand. "Go home and get your stuff."

If anything could brighten Sakura's mood, that would do it. "You're staying over, Yukito-san?" she asked hopefully with a smile more sincere than the plastic one she'd shown us earlier.

We exchanged another look, but this time it was one of amusement, before he turned his own bright smile to her. "Yes. Is that all right?"

She nodded happily, and I almost hated that he was going, because I knew her newfound good mood would disappear when he did. But that was going to be my fault. "When you get back, maybe we can have some cake?" she suggested.

Yuki crouched down to her level, and I noticed she still blushed like she used to. Some things never change. "I'll bring you a surprise," he promised with a little wink, and she giggled. His hazel eyes met mine again, and he repeated the gesture for my benefit.

That did it for me right there. If I had been an eleven-year-old girl, I probably would have blushed and giggled, too. But at nineteen, all I could do was swallow, hard, and grip the silverware in my hand so that it didn't clatter to the ground. He had to get out of this house now before I did or said something really stupid. "Come on, kaijuu," I said, bonking her on the head on my way to the sink. "Quit flirting and help me with this." I didn't want to think about that any more than I had to.

"Onii-chan!" Sakura fumed in that entirely unthreatening way of hers. I smirked, knowing that turning the situation around on her would take the attention off my own embarrassment. She grumbled something about squashing a bug as she collected the plates.

Yuki just laughed the way he always did at our sibling antics. "I'll be back soon."

"Okay," I answered, waving at him over my shoulder so that I wouldn't have to turn away from the sink. This was absolutely insane. Why did such little things, a smile and a wink and a laugh, suddenly make all of my blood rush to my head? Was it a sign of acceptance?

It was. It was that last puzzle piece which should have made the image clear. Only in my mind, it was fuzzier than ever. Because acknowledging something didn't mean that you knew what to do about it. I could let myself feel these things, but, then what?

So, rather than fine-tune that fuzzy picture with obsessive analysis at this particular point in time, I aggressively scrubbed the skillet before handing it to Sakura to dry. Her mind had wandered, and it took her a second to take the pan from me. "How was school today?" I asked casually, hoping to discover the source of her earlier distraction, and to drive away mine in the bargain.

"Fine," she replied immediately.

Okay. She'd obviously been taking lessons from me in the vague answer department. "Anything interesting happen?" I prodded.

This time, she paused just briefly before answering. "Not really."

"Final grades come out next week. Want me to help you hide your report card from 'tou-san until you can come up with a good excuse for failing math?"

"I didn't fail math." She shot me an annoyed look before lowering her eyes to the cup in her hand. "At least, I don't think I did," she said softly.

There went that theory. I wiped my wet hands on a towel and turned to her. "Sakura."

She didn't look at me. "What?"

I sighed and raked my hand through my hair as I tried to find the fine line between brotherly concern and downright meddling. "You know that if something's wrong, you can tell me, right?"

Now she looked up, and her green eyes shimmered as she considered confiding whatever sordid details she was hiding to me. Her mouth opened slightly, and she hesitated as if she were about to spill her guts, but then she waved her hands in front of her and shook her head in denial. "It's nothing, really," she said shakily as she presented me with another forced smile. "I guess I'm just a little sad that Eriol-kun is going back to England."

I sure as hell wasn't. Because that meant no more Akizuki. My prayers had finally been answered. Maybe 'kaa-san had put in a good word for me. He's normally a very nice boy, and he's been through so much lately....

I still didn't quite believe Sakura, but all I could do was take her answer at face value. "Okay," I said, dropping the subject for now. Since I knew any attempt at hugging her would be shrugged away as intrusive, I instead ruffled her honey hair, mussing it just enough to annoy her.

We finished cleaning up the kitchen in silence.

***

While Yuki was saying good night to Sakura, I gave my room a quick tidying up. It wasn't so much that I was sloppy. I generally kept things neat and in order. I just wanted to make sure everything that needed to be put away was.

Like the book Kaho had given me. I didn't want to keep secrets from Yuki; there had been enough of that over the last couple of years. But I didn't want him to see it.

I'd stayed up late last night reading. At first, nothing really jumped out at me. It was a typical, long-winded philosophy text, almost pretentious in its presentation. The author shamelessly exhibited an unnecessarily complicated vocabulary, which in itself wasn't so bad. But then he packed in as much theory with those carefully chosen words as possible, which made for dense, intricate passages that couldn't be read with just a cursory glance.

After the first two chapters, I was intrigued. I had to know if he really knew what he was talking about. The little bit of philosophy I'd studied in high school didn't make me an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I recognized bullshit when I heard it. Again, that was something I'd had enough of these past two years.

But then there was the main reason for stashing this book away from Yuki's curious eyes. Just as Kaho had said, this was something I needed. It was all about identity. On who we are, and why we are. It was about discovering your reason for being. And that was exactly what I'd been struggling with. I was determined to keep this to myself, because I didn't want Yuki worrying about me.

By the dim light of my reading lamp, I'd scribbled away in the margins of the book, finding the passages where the author was spot on or else completely full of it. I began outlining my own concerns, putting things I'd only barely thought about into words for the first time. Either because of the late hour or the speed at which my mind raced, I knew the fragmented thoughts I was writing probably wouldn't make any sense in the light of day, but if I didn't write them down, I would forget them, and the whole point of the exercise would be lost.

I stashed the book under my bed and cast a final glance around the room to make sure it looked presentable. Yuki hadn't stayed over since before... well, since before. And I supposed my sudden desire for immaculate living quarters was because, subconsciously, I didn't want Yue thinking I was a total slob. If he didn't like me on my own merits, that was one thing. I didn't need to give him any ammunition.

There was a knock on my door, but before I answered, Yuki came in. He had already changed into pajamas and was carrying our spare futon. "Ready for me?" he asked.

What the hell did that mean? But then he gestured to a spot on the floor where we usually laid out the mattress, and I cursed myself for looking for subtext where there was only text. "Need some help?" I asked as casually as possible. God, this was weird. Part of me wanted to go back to that blissfully ignorant state I'd lived in just a couple of short months ago.

"I think I'm set," he answered, dumping a blanket on top of the mattress. But as he did so, something fell out of the blanket, making a distinctive rattling sound before landing on the rug with a soft thud.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," he answered quickly, bending down to scoop up the item.

Well, that wasn't very convincing. "Yuki," I said, accenting each syllable of his name with a touch of exasperation.

"To-ya," he retorted, mimicking my tone perfectly. I rolled my eyes at him, and he sighed in resignation. "Fine," he said, and he held out his hand to show me what he was hiding.

It looked like a prescription bottle. "What's that?"

"Sleeping pills."

Sleeping pills? "I didn't know you'd been having trouble sleeping."

"I'm not, really. They just help me sometimes." He shrugged as if this weren't a big deal. But it was. Couldn't he see that?

"How long have you been taking them?"

He shrugged again. "A few weeks," he guessed. "Ever since... well, you know." I shook my head, forcing him to elaborate. "Since I found out who I really am."

"Yuki." My voice was gentler this time, filled with quiet concern.

He smiled a little and sat down on the mattress. "I'm okay. It's just that my mind doesn't always shut down at night. There's so much to think about, to remember, to deal with. And I need a break from it, or else I can't get any rest."

I sat down next to him. "Why didn't you tell me?" Wait. So, I could keep secrets, but he couldn't? How very me of me.

"I didn't want you to worry," he answered softly. He looked at me with his big, round hazel eyes. "I've already caused you enough trouble. I'm always leaning on you, and it doesn't seem fair." His eyes clouded over, and he tried to lower them before I could see.

I placed my hand against his cheek and forced him to look at me. "That's what I'm here for," I joked. I'd thought we were past all of this melancholy, but, apparently, neither of us really was.

His eyes had widened when I touched him, and I wondered if he felt the same thing I did. I didn't take my hand away, even though I probably should have. I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing, but I needed the connection that I'd been missing lately. We'd always had it, from the first day we'd met, and it was what kept me sane. Reminding me that everything I did, everything I was, was for my family, and for him.

There are many reasons why certain things happen. Sometimes you plan them meticulously, bring about events the exact way you wish them to occur.

And then there are those things that are completely out of the blue. The things that take you by surprise. The things you don't even know you want. These things are usually accompanied by a sudden rush of excitement and fear, and when faced with them, you can either bravely act on the impulse or crawl into a hole until the moment passes.

I wasn't usually a very impulsive person. Okay, almost never. I tended to overthink everything, to be absolutely sure about any decision I had to make before going through with the action. But maybe that wasn't the way to live life. Maybe you should just take each moment as it comes and go with it. Otherwise, you spend your time planning for something that may never come about while your one chance is sitting right in front of you.

And right now I was faced with the person most important to me in the entire world. The one I would do anything for. The one I had done anything for.

The moment was hanging there as we silently looked at each other. Moments never last. Even though it felt like time had stopped, it would soon start up again. What would I do? Would I let it pass, or would I take a chance?

I'll never know who moved first.

Because I didn't think that I kissed him or he kissed me. We met somewhere in the middle.

His lips were softer than I'd thought they would be, not that I'd spent a lot of time thinking about such things. And they were cool, as if they'd been touched by the night air. He tasted like peppermint toothpaste, which probably accounted for the coolness.

It should have been weird. It should have made me panic. But it just felt so natural, like I'd been waiting for this.

His hand was on my shoulder now, and I could feel its warmth through the thin cotton of my t-shirt. Other than that, he didn't move, and neither did I. Not the slightest bit. Our lips were simply touching with all the passion and intimacy of a formal handshake. But it was a gesture of comfort and understanding. Maybe even of... love.

Oh, God.

The picture suddenly came into razor-sharp focus.

For the second time in my life, apparently not learning anything the first time around, I had fallen in love with my best friend.

"Oh, God."

I didn't realize I'd said the words aloud until Yuki pulled away. He looked positively shaken, and I saw a shadow of silver pass through his round eyes before it skittered away like a frightened rabbit.

It had only lasted a few short seconds, but in that brief amount of time, everything had changed yet again. Now, I panicked. And I started backpedaling as fast as I could. "Yuki," I began, not knowing where I was going with this, "I didn't-"

It didn't matter that I didn't know what I was going to say, because he wasn't going to let me say it anyway. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I just...." He seemed to be lost for words as well, and he looked away. I tried to get my thoughts in order, to figure out if I should tell him what I was feeling, but I didn't get a chance. He let out an exaggerated yawn. "It's the pills," he offered feebly, even though I doubted that they would kick in so quickly. "They have some strange side effects." He acted as if that magically explained everything away. Then he yawned again, but it seemed genuine this time.

"Yuki."

"Can it wait?" The words were rude, but his tone was a forced kind of polite. "I'll probably be asleep in about two seconds." There wasn't anything I could do but stand up and helplessly shove a hand through my hair as he stretched out and pulled the blanket all the way up to his nose. He didn't even take his glasses off. "Good night," he mumbled.

"Yuki." I was beginning to sound like a broken record, but my lame attempt to instigate some sort of illuminating conversation between us was only met with silence.

And with him there, I couldn't let out my frustration by kicking something or cursing a blue streak, so I sighed in defeat and turned out the light before climbing into bed. I desperately wished for some sleeping pills of my own. I already knew that my mind was going to be spinning, rethinking and reliving and regretting, for the next several hours, and I wanted to be able to knock myself out as easily as he could.

But, in all honesty, I didn't think he got much sleep that night, either.

~~-~~

*Any episode 70 dialogue was paraphrased based on different translations, so it may differ from what you see elsewhere.