Cowboy Bebop Fan Fiction ❯ Stew ❯ Heartbroken ( Chapter 14 )

Disclaimer: I do not own "If Only" by Hanson. That belongs to them. Bleh.

Early A/N: WHOO! The first chapter to be name with one word since the first! This is an occassion to celebrate! *throws hands up and blows confetti around at everyone*

*gets weird looks*

What?? o.o;;;

*runs away before can be thrown*

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Faye sat self-consciously against Jordan, oddly comfortable, but feeling somewhat....out of place. Well, it wasn't her....it was....Jordan. He felt....weird.

I guess it's just because he isn't Spike. Not that I care...I mean, he just threw me aside like some rag doll he could play with whenever he wanted. I'm a strong, independent woman, I handled it. Sort of. But that doesn't matter anyway, he's never coming back. I guess the only thing left to do now is go for second best.

She sighed and closed her eyes, unable to resist the temptation to imagine, if even for a moment, that Jordan was Spike. She could *almost* feel his fluffy green hair, *almost* smell his cologne, *almost* taste his lips...

Until she heard it. It wasn't loud at all, as a matter of fact, it was barely audible. The sound of a boot on metal.

She struggled to her feet and cautiously made her way toward where it came from.

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Spike suddenly became alarmed when he heard someone padding over to where he had just placed his first weak step. He tried to hurry away but realized after a few seconds of dashing towards his room that he was making a lot of noise. He didn't care. He had to get out of there.

When he got to his room, he quickly flipped on the light switch, closed the door behind him, and locked it.

Damn. And I was really stupid enough to think she'd come back to me so easily.

He dragged himself over to his bed and sprawled out on it.

Uncomfortable son of a bitch.

Something sharply pressed into his hip. He reached into his pocket and drew out his gun. Something else slipped out and he grumbled as he reached down to the floor to pick it up.

It was the picture of Faye.

Damn. Still haven't gotten a frame for this thing....probably the only evidence I have of anything good between us. Probably....the last time I'll see that look on her face.

His thoughts were interrupted by a rap on his door.

"Spike? Is that...you?"

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As she approached, she heard footsteps coming more rapidly - but moving farther away. She silently followed, curious, until she found where they led to.

No. It can't be. He....left, right? Right. He left - permanently. It CAN'T be.

She listened at the door. Nothing. But the light was on....

She knocked after a few more tense moments.

"Spike? Is that...you?"

She waited for what seemed like forever. Complete silence. She could almost hear her loneliness mocking her, cackling at her foolish hope that the person behind that door could be the only man she'd ever loved - the same man who had left her in the dust conveniently just after she had decided for herself that he wasn't going to hurt her like the others.

She swallowed hard and blinked away a tear as she turned slowly and walked the other way.

She had just reached the end of the hall when yellow light spilled across the floor.

Her heart leaped into her throat.

"....Faye."

The voice was a little husky, somewhat timid, a little out of character. But she knew who it was. The lanky shadow that was topped with a rug of unruly gray further assured her of his identity.

She willed her body to turn her around, but she was frozen in place.

I don't want to. What if...why should I...when he left....without a word...

She ran...the other way.

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He woke up to her shivering body pressed close against his.

"Faye? Faye, are you alright?"

Jordan's blue eyes were clouded over with concern.

"I-I-I'm fine! What m-makes you think something's wrong?"

"Well, you're as cold as ice, Faye. Not to mention you're shaking all over. Did...something happen? I thought you were getting better."

"I....thought I was too. Don't worry about me, thought. I f-f-feel just fine....really."

She attempted a smile but it wasn't very convincing.

"Faye...I care about you. I want you to be in good health....and I want you to be happy. You're all tense...."

He almost timidly placed his hands on her shoulders and gently massaged them.

Faye momentarily stopped shaking and tried to relax.

No big deal....he doesn't know who it is....and I don't think Spike will -

But she knew what conflict was coming, and understood that one of these two men would be leaving brokenhearted.

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Spike gathered his strength wearily before he closed the door, lingering at his doorway after he had seen the woman he cared for so much run away from him.

She couldn't even look at me. I hurt her so much she couldn't even look at my face, couldn't look into the eyes of the man who managed to open her heart, then break it.

If only I had thought about her before I just flew off. But I always have to do that, don't I? I always have to screw things up just when they're about to get really good. I guess that's just the way I am. I wonder if that's my destiny, my fate - to never be happy. How can I be when the things I want are chased away just when they're in my reach? And when I'm the chaser?

He let his thoughts wander and plopped back down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling.

Maybe I should go out there.

All he could remember was the last time he saw her face - the day after the camera escapades, when she had followed him outside on his way to pick up the pictures the old man had promised to develop. She had been so worried, so confused - and if he had looked harder, he would have seen that her heart had been breaking, too.

I did it. I'm that bad of a person. I hurt someone who cared about me, someone like HER, who rarely opens herself up to ANYONE. I can't believe it. But it's the truth. And there's no changing the truth. I learned that with Julia, too.

But no matter how hard I fight it, I can't stop thinking about Faye. It's not that she's all that smart, or talented at any one thing, or good in bed -

He chuckled to himself.

Not that I would know....yet. It's just that...well, for some inexplicable reason, I'm drawn to her. It's completely involuntary, too, unwillful, even. I don't want to be in love again. I don't want to lose every thing I care about again. I don't want the unbearable pain again. I don't want anything to do with it.

Too bad I can't escape from it.



@]---,---'---,---
Every single time I see you
I start to feel this way
It makes me wonder if I'm ever
Gonna feel this way again
There's a picture
That's hanging in the back of my head
I see it over and over


I'm gonna hold you and love you
In my arms and then
I wanna need you

'Cause I need to
Be with you 'til the end
Then I hear myself reply,
"You've got to hold it in."
This time, tonight.
@]---,---'---,---





She doesn't even know what she does to me. ME, the cool, composed Spike Spiegel. She probably thinks I'm a selfish jerk who never in his life gave a crap about anybody else.

But she couldn't be more far off.

I think....I think I might have fallen for her. I told Julia I had left before I had the chance to, but I think....I think I had already fallen in love with Faye Valentine.

Maybe they make some miracle potion I can drink or something to reverse this.

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What a selfish jerk! I bet he never gave a crap about anyone in his life.

He thinks he can just come back here and....I don't know what goes through his screwed-up mind. Maybe he just wants to make me feel like a complete fool. Or maybe he wants to try to sucker me again. Or maybe....he wants me back.

No chance. He's Spike Spiegel, the most arrogant, senseless, stupid, annoying, frustrating, idiotic, funny, handsome, wonderful....HEY! Where'd that come from?!?

Well it's too bad. My heart has been shut off forever. I don't exactly like the feeling of having my heart ripped out - once was enough for me. I feel bad about Jordan - I know I'll never love him, but I can be happy with him. I just don't know if he'll be happy with me if he knows I'm not in love with him.

She looked up at the blonde man and ran a hand through his soft, silky hair.

"Jordan?"

"Yeah?"

"You know....I really do care about you. But I....I can never....I mean, after Spike, I can't-"

He looked at her with such disappointment and sorrow in his eyes that she regretted opening her mouth. Broken hearts aren't easily healed, as she had learned not too long ago. And his sapphire eyes were so vivid, so enchanting, so blatantly honest, so breath-takingly beautiful....too bad she could never look into them the same way she had looked into Spike's.

I'll never give in again. As tempting as it is to love him again, I don't think I could EVER take that risk knowing what I do now...

That the deepest hurt springs from love unsatisfied.



@]---,---'---,---
If only I had the guts to feel this way
If only you'd look at me and want to stay
If only I'd take you in my arms and say,
"I won't go 'cause I need you."
@]---,---'---,---

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Spike now had the picture of Faye propped up against one of his bedposts. He stared at it in a daze, trying to remember what it was like to hold her, to kiss her, to make her laugh.

Everything would have been perfect by now. And maybe even forever, but....now it's all messed up.

Damn reality.



@]---,---'---,---
I sit here, waiting, wondering, hoping
That I'll make this right
'Cause all I think about
Is your hands, your face, and all these lonely nights
There's a feeling
That's screaming in the back of my head
Saying over and over,


"I wanna hold you and love you
In my arms and then
I wanna need you
'Cause I need to be with you 'til the end."
But then I hear myself reply,
"She'll never let you in."
This time, tonight

If only I had the guts to feel this way
If only you'd look at me and want to stay
If only I'd take you in my arms and say,
"I won't go 'cause I need you.
Please don't go
'Cause I need you now."
@]---,---'---,---



He rolled over and rubbed his sore eyes. Slowly, mercilessly, sleep began to take over.

No....can't fall....asleep....must stay...awake....

His door opened, and he sat up, stunned.

"Spike?" Faye ventured sheepishly.

"Can I - can I talk to you?"

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A/N: Sorry, not very eventful, but I wanted to focus on how the characters were feeling. I HAVE A QUESTION! Did *ANYONE* feel even a *LITTLE* sorry for Julia or Jordan? Hm? Do any of you have a little compassion in those tiny little hearts in which are etched "Spike and Faye FOREVER!"? Hmm? I'd just like to know. ^_- Please review!!! ^_^