Cowboy Bebop Fan Fiction ❯ Stew ❯ Uncertainties ( Chapter 15 )

Disclaimer: "If You're Gone" belongs to Matchbox 20 and the part that I triple starred (***) is from "Ocean's Eleven," which I recently saw. ^_^ Hackneyed, but fitting, nonetheless. BTW, thanks to ALL of my readers, your reviews are not only interesting and inspiring, but they serve as a serious motivation for me to get my butt in gear and not let this fic die. ^_- Enjoy!



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He got up and opened the door, taking a sharp intake of breath at the sight of her pale skin and weak frame.

"Nothing I can do to stop you."

He dragged his feet over to his bed and sat down. He felt like he had a hangover.

Faye sat down cross-legged on his floor and twisted her hands awkwardly.

"Well?"

She looked up at him, willing herself to remain cold and cruel. It'd be the best for both of them, anyway.

"Spike....what are you doing here?"

He scoffed bitterly and rolled his eyes.

"What do you *think* I'm doing here?"

"The possibilities are endless. To screw me over again, to humiliate me, to -"

"You're so full of it!" Spike stood up and pointed a finger at her angrily.

"Here you are, feeling SORRY for yourself, telling ME that I'M here to make you miserable! I guess you've got it all figured out, huh? I'm just *that* simple. Well, I'm sorry, but the man you've got in front of you is a thousand times harder to solve than a Rubix cube."

"What the *HELL* are you talking about? Of *COURSE* you're here to make me miserable! Have you forgotten already?! YOU left over a month ago! You just LEFT - no GOOD-BYE, no NOTE, no NOTHING! What in the *world* am I SUPPOSED to think?!?"

Uncomfortable silence followed, both of them steaming. Spike just shook his head and took out a cigarette. After lighting up, he said quietly, "You know, you assume way too much. Ever heard the expression, 'Things aren't always as they seem?' Well, the truth is that things are *rarely* as they seem."

He started to walk out of the room, bumping into her roughly as he passed her.

He hesitated with his hand on the door knob.

"Maybe you should look harder before you judge."

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Jordan sat on the couch, cold, now that Faye had gone somewhere. He looked down at the metal floor, watching the reflections of the T.V. screen change its tiles different colors. A terrible ache had already settled into his bones, he could feel it resonating in his marrow.



@]---,---'---,---
I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak
But I think you're wrong...
@]---,---'---,---



Why did I let myself fall for her? I knew....I knew I'd never find it. That's what happened with the ones before her....so why should it be any different? The next one will be the same, too. And the next, and the next. Just like some vicious blood-sucking cycle that will eventually bring my demise.

I guess it's a small price to pay.

I wonder why it's like this. I can't help it. It's just that it's happened so many times, and yet, every time I'm hopeful - that's why it always hurts so much.

But with Faye, I thought it would be different. She's so unique - not the regular baloney-on-white-go-to-church-every-Sunday type. It's definitely not the longest relationship I've had....but the hurt is new. It's a fresh open wound that for some reason hurts more than ones before.

Ones that were deeper.

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Faye stood there, stunned, but still fuming as Spike paused, letting his room's light illluminate half his face. His stance was tense, something she'd seen rarely, and his tone of voice was a new level of melancholy. She looked at those long, thin fingers resting so coldly on his door knob and willed them with her mind to stay there.

Don't go. Please....even though I know we can't be together, I....I still love you.



@]---,---'---,---
I think you're already leaving
Feels like you're hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
Now I'm relaxed
I can't be sure
@]---,---'---,---



He knows....doesn't he? This is the way it has to be. It took *so* long for me to....to be vulnerable the first time, but I did it. I wasn't just *vulnerable*, I was Goddamn weak. I just wanted his love. Not for the sake of having someone care about me, but because it came from him. Because it came from Spike.

The little worm wriggled his way into my veins pretty quickly.

But now he's leaving. I guess I can't blame him. I know I'll be fine, I can get over him, I *CAN* stop loving him. It's too bad that it didn't work out though. But it's better this way. Jordan...can take care of me and love me steadily. He won't hurt me like Spike did.

I know I'll never give him the chance.

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A big confrontation was inevitable. I just decided to get it over with. I mean, she doesn't want me, that's fine. But did she *have* to go for Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes-boy-next-door-watch-out-for-my-poodle? I mean, the guy's obviously less than equipped to handle a woman like Faye.

She's got the worst temper I've ever seen, she's annoying as hell, can't keep her nose out of other peoples' business, she eats a lot, she's a glutton with everything, she's greedy, self-centered, egotistical -

There's no way he could ever escape with his sanity.

It's not like I actually *CARE* about Faye or anything. I mean....I know I *said* I did, but I must've been high or something. How could I love her? I mean, come on. I've hated her for so long that it must've just been some horrible mistake...there's no way....

But Mao used to say that the difference between love and hate was the width of a sheet of rice paper.

I wouldn't know. I never let anyone get that close, or that far. I've never felt passion in either direction. I've always let on to be aloof, to be cool, to be....uncaring. Because - well, because....that's who I am. I'm not good with good-byes.

It's probably a good thing all the people I care about end up dying.

Spike made his way to the bridge and looked out at the stars.

I remember that first night when she found me. I think that's when this whole pile of bullshit started. Why can't she just let me in? Doesn't she trust me?

.....

Well, she obviously doesn't love me, and I guess she wants nothing to do with me anymore...

I wish I could just let go. It shouldn't be this hard.



@]---,---'---,---
I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
And I think I'm scared
I think too much
I know it's wrong
It's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone...maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone...baby you need to come home
There's a little bit of something me
In everything in you....
@]---,---'---,---



Why do I do this to myself? I don't understand...maybe I *do* love her. I've never felt a pain like this....it's kind of interesting. It's pulling all my muscles and skin towards the center of my being. It's trying to make me collapse into a pile of nothing. I wonder why....

Maybe this is it. Maybe I *am* meant to be with her. Maybe that's why it hurts like this. But wait...I don't believe in destiny.

There goes another theory out the window.

I wonder what I'll do now. She doesn't want me, but I can't leave....but I won't be able to stand seeing her with...him. Maybe I should just snap one day, you know, scare him out of his skin. Maybe then he'll leave, and I'll be all she has.

It's better than the alternative....

God, I hate being weak.



@]---,---'---,---
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need
This in my life
I think I'm just scared -
Do I talk too much?
I know it's wrong
It's a problem I'm dealing...
@]---,---'---,---


Well, if I've already lost my chances, there's no harm in getting my money's worth, so to speak.

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Faye stomped out of Spike's room and hunted him down, finally spotting him on the bridge.

"Spike, I'm not done with you yet," she spitted venomously. She shot him a glare that would've stopped many men within seconds, but Spike merely grinned at her.

{He likes doing this to me.}

"Maybe...I did assume. Maybe I pushed it a little. But why did you go? Will you just tell me that? And why did you come back?"

".....I went....because...."

Last chance.

".....because I was afraid."

"....Of?"

"Of....you know....again." He gestured by rolling his open palm towards his body, hinting for her to guess.

"Spike, for God's sake, just TELL me!"

Something inside him snapped.

How can she not know? Is she trying to wrench this out of me like torture? How can the woman *NOT* fucking KNOW by now that I...

"Alright, you know what?!" He raised his voice to a threatening level. "I....I opened up to you, just like you opened up to me. And I - couldn't take the same risks you took. I just couldn't. I was afraid of another 'Julia' scenario, as crazy as it seems. You're not in the Red Dragons, and that's behind me, but something inside just went crazy every time I thought of you that way. It was giving me a feeling that maybe....that probably, things wouldn't work out. And maybe you'd get hurt. I don't know!"

He flung his hands up in the air frustratingly.

"It sounds really stupid, I know. But I couldn't shake it away. I couldn't get rid of the fear that I'd get another piece of my soul ripped away. And why I came back? Isn't it obvious?! If you need me to tell you *that,* you have something seriously wrong with you. If you couldn't see it in my eyes, couldn't hear it in my voice, couldn't feel it in the air I breathed....well, here it is."



@]---,---'---,---

I think I could need
This in my life
I think I'm just scared
That I know too much
I can't relate
And that's a problem I'm feeling
If you're gone...maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone...baby you need to come home
There's a little bit of something me
In everything in you....
Something me (everything in)
Something me (in)
In you.....
@]---,---'---,---



Faye's heart leapt into her throat.

I can't be hearing this. Not now...not now!! I had *everything* so perfect!! Why does he *ALWAYS* mess things up?!?

"I....really care....I mean, I l-l-lii....I think you know. But here, I have to say it. I think...."

He got closer to her, and with each step she took one away from him until they were up against a wall.

He leaned in, smelled her perfume, and smiled, in a daze.

Hey, it's all a dream, right?

"I think I love you."

Her eyes widened, although it had been somewhat suspected. It hadn't been easily believed.

"What are you going to do about it? Nothing, that's what. Your little lover boy is sitting in the next room, wondering where you went, but here you are, with me, all alone. And I just told you I love you. You know what? I don't think I even care anymore whether you love me or not, I just needed you to know that. I just...needed you..."

His face got closer, his breath warmer. Finally, after a few awkward moments, he pressed his lips onto hers.

"...and maybe that'll give you an ego boost, knowing I feel that strongly. I don't care, go do whatever the hell you wanna do with it. I don't give a damn. I don't need your love at all. I never have needed it....it only brought be trouble, and nearly got me killed. Sorry if you don't think I'm *good* enough for you, or if you don't understand me. Maybe you never will. You won't even give it a chance."

She grabbed his arm as he started to turn away.

"Yeah? Well, I love you too, but I love Jordan more," she lied. "He's wonderful, he'd never even think of leaving me in the dust. You ran away! What the hell was that? That doesn't solve any problems, it only brings more."

"Oh? Unless it's creditors you're running from, right?"

Faye slapped him across his left cheek.

"Just because I'm with someone else now doesn't mean you have to treat me like shit. Dammit, just DROP it Spike! I don't...I can't....WE can't be together, okay?!?!"

"Why not?" he looked her square in the eyes, arresting them.

"Because! Because...we're too much alike. We're both proud, arrogant, private, we both push people away, we both could scatter away at any moment."

Her posture started to slack and her eyes darkened.

"It would never work anyway. I'm too much of a coward now that I know how it feels to....and that was just the tip of the ice burg!"

Spike wiped a tear away from her eye with his thumb, then lifted her chin so she would look at him.

***"Does he make you laugh?"

"He doesn't make me cry."***

".....I see."

His eyes went dead. She could see it now. Like lights fading out, batteries exhausted. They just lost their light.

"I'm sorry Spike, but it's for the best."

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A/N: Again, not too eventful, but it's necessary! Was it OOC? Please review to tell me! Suggestions and creative criticism are appreciated. ^_^ In the next chapter, a character will leave permanently (for this fic, anyway). Can you guess who it is? *rolls eyes* But that doesn't mean all will be well. Torment will be a wonderful tool in chapter 16. I know, I'm evil. X_X Ah well. Also, Spike will reveal what he did with Julia. *gets ready for Faye's wrath* I hope everyone had a great Christmas/Channuka/Kwanzaa, and get ready for 2002! Woo! And has everyone seen the enormous jump in CB fics? ^________^ When I got on FF.Net there were only 163, and now we're up to 230! YAY! *does happy dance*